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Authors: Colin White,Laurie Boucke

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BOOK: 1995 - The UnDutchables
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If you choose to write instead of read, their curiosity will double.

Behaviour

Rules of behaviour on public transport are deeply ingrained in the Dutch. If you do not want to offend them, please observe the following:

  1. If you are one of the first to enter the vehicle, spread your belongings out across the adjoining seat(s). Then stretch your legs out to block access to vacant seats. The rule is to sit in the aisle seat whenever the window seat is not occupied. If someone comes along looking for a place to sit, ignore him/her by looking away, reading a newspaper or pretending to be asleep.
    It is allowed to vacate seats for elderly/handicapped/pregnant people, but only to the extent that it remains the exception to the rule.
  2. If the vehicle is full, you must stand inside the compartment where you are sure to block traffic when others want to pass through.
  3. As the train approaches your destination, you must begin to fidget. If possible, stand up and fidget with your belongings.
  4. Those in the back of the compartment must push, shove and/or stampede to the front of the car. (It is tempting to say ‘queue’ since the way in which they stand vaguely resembles a queue; this is only because you must stand single file in the narrow compartment.)
  5. Upon arrival at glorious Amsterdam CS (Central Station), don’t look anyone in the eye or you’ll risk being hustled—for hashish, heroin, cocaine, a cheap hotel or botel (boat-hotel behind station), ‘sleep-in,’ petition signing, left-wing newspaper, right-wing newspaper, non-affiliated newspaper, shoe shine, joining in a demonstration or riot, recruiting squatters (
    krakers
    ), women’s ‘lib’ or gay ‘lib.’ In any case, staring at the floor/ground is good practice from the moment you exit the station and encounter the heaps of dog
    shit
    which decorate the streets of Amsterdam.

(Take no offence to our use of the word
shit
. The Dutch have adopted it as an everyday word in their vocabulary.)

Dutch law of motion:


Exit time is inversely proportional to distance from door.’In other words, those who sit nearest the door leave last. If you are in a hurry to get off the train, you must sit as far from the door as possible
.

Taxi’s

Dutch cities support an abundance of taxis. The cars are predominantly Mercedes-Benz and Opel vehicles. Their drivers are highly skilled in manoeuvring through narrow side streets, ranks of pedestrians and other hazards. They are impervious to rules and masters of the spoken obscenity—an instant introduction to local colour.

City taxis have their busiest moments at night. Taxis are dispatched to callers through a co-ordinating centre for local operations (
taxicentrale
). On a wet, cold winter’s night, when public transport has stopped and you are stranded far from home, dial the
taxicentrale
and expect the following relief:

  • A recorded message advising, ‘
    Er zijn nog vijftien wachtenden voor U
    ’ (15 calls ahead of you).
  • Allow the recording to count down to one call ahead of you.
  • When you are greeted by a human operator (usually with a curt ‘
    TAXI!
    ’), tell him/her where you are and where you want to go.
  • The operator recites the number of the local
    centrale
    for your district.
  • Dial the local
    centrale
    and expect no answer.
  • Redial the original
    taxicentrale
    number and start again.

There is no guarantee that a repeat effort will be more successful, but at least it stops you from falling asleep.

A new type of taxi was introduced in the
Randstad
(cities of western Holland) in 1990: the train taxi (
treintaxi
). Travelers with a VALID train ticket can take a special taxi from any location in town to the train station (and, upon return, from the station to any location in town) for a mere
HFL
6-. Don’t forget, you must go to the station to buy your ticket, then return home to call the
treintaxi
to take you back to the station in order to cash in on the
HFL
6- deal!

The instigation of this mode of transport produced prodigious protesting among ‘regular’ taxi drivers since the
treintaxis
are subsidized by the Government. The solution to this upset was for the Government to announce that the
treintaxis
have not caused any losses to taxi companies, but have stimulated overall taxi travel to train stations.

Although we have attempted to confine the Dutch Drug Dilemma to one chapter of this book (see Chapter 18), it must be mentioned here that taxi companies in Eindhoven, The Hague, Rotterdam, Tilburg and other cities are legally permitted to deliver soft drugs (marijuana, hashish) door-to-door throughout surrounding districts using hash taxis (
hasjtaxis
). The following conditions apply:

  • No advertising to school children
  • No sales to minors
  • No nuisance or disturbance to local residents
  • NO BUSINESS FOR PURE PROFIT-SEEKING.

As a reward for his/her services to the community, the Eindhoven
hasjtaxi
operator is subsidized to the tune of
HFL
30,000 per year (1992). For more on the wonderful world of subsidies, see Chapter 9.

Chapter 4

A DUTCH HOME

Ask a Dutch person about HOME and you will be told that it is
gezellig
, a word that they claim has no English equivalent. The dictionary translates it as ‘
cosy
. ‘And, in this case, for ‘cosy’ read ‘
cramped
.’

The soul of the place is reflected through its living inhabitants—plants, pets and people—and the atmosphere (
sfeer
) is created by a widespread proliferation of inanimate objects. All these elements constitute
thuis
(home).

Urban Architecture

The classic Dutch look is the responsibility of 17
th
-century architects whose desire it was to maximize the impression of the height of a house. This, in conjunction with the then-as-now overcrowding in cities, led to the introduction of highly characteristic design elements (many of which survive to this day). The convention that the depth of a house should be greater than its widttf is a prime example, no doubt popularized by a housing tax which rated a dwelling on its breadth. The tall aspect of the famous canal buildings in Amsterdam is enhanced by the height of the windows being progressively reduced from bottom floor to top (but more about windows later). Given the
cloggy
passion to deny riches, prosperous locals generally insist on lesser external features:

The narrowness of the nest negates the wanton width of the wealthy
.

A typical old, urban house now provides four separate accommodation units, or
flats
. There are two front entrances to the building, commonly one for the ground floor owner and one for the elevated tenants. The very long and narrow staircase is found in the section leading to the upper floors. Inevitably, one or more Bicycles and a few thick, winter coats hang from the wall above the banister.

This efficient design provides:

  • maximum inconvenience to those entering the building a dutch home 25
  • maximum disturbance to a resident hearing chattering, giggling, stomping locals enter or exit the building
  • maximum inconvenience and disturbance to all concerned, by the uninitiated attempting self-disentanglement from The Bicycles (or trying to remove pedals, handlebars, etc., from an ear).

A curious architectural characteristic is located just below, or as part of the design of, the famous Dutch gable. A rusty old meat-hook hangs from a wooden or metal arm which extends from the front of the building. This is not a symbolic carry-over from the pacifist nation’s barbarous past. The hook supports a pulley which allows large, heavy items of furniture, and other bulky possessions, to be hoisted up from ground level. The windows and their frames are constructed for easy removal, thus allowing the load enough space for entry into the house on any floor. Many a Dutchman fears the public disgrace suffered if the load is allowed to adopt a pendulous motion, entering the building through a neighbouring window.

Other notable exterior features (optional) include:

  • a short metal tube, extending from the front wall at a 45-degree angle. This is, in fact, a flagpole holder used to support the national flag on patriotic holidays. The ground floor installations are also used as litter bins and cigarette butt containers by urban youths.
  • the spy mirror (
    spionnetje
    ), mounted on or close to a window frame. It resembles a large automobile ‘wing mirror’ (probably stolen from a heavy goods vehicle) which older couples use to study street life, unobserved.
  • a collection of old household junk, typically -gardening implements, toilet seat, wash basin etc., to add character to the abode.
  • a series of tree trunks extending from the nearest kerb to the upper-front wall of the building. These wooden megaliths serve to provide neighbourhood dogs with a natural toilet place, and to inconvenience pedestrians, cyclists and motorists alike. A secondary function is to stop the house from falling down.
  • a human window cleaner, present and working at approximately four-weekly intervals -irrespective of weather, time-of-year or window conditions.
Stairs

This marvelous invention—the Dutch staircase—is called a
trap
, and it is not uncommon to feel trapped when you climb the staircase. The
trap
will be steep and narrow, of meager depth, and will probably accommodate less than half your foot. In older houses, the staircase closely resembles a warped ladder.

Indeed, you must climb the stairs in the same way you climb a ladder, clinging precariously to the upper steps with your hands or to the banister (if there is one), with one dangerous difference: There is no room for your foot to extend over the steps for balance, as with a ladder. The lofty Dutch accept this ridiculous arrangement as a fact of life; it provides that essential exercise that other nations obtain from climbing hills.

Following the path of the stairs, a rope or heavy cord passes through a series of loops and runs from attic to ground floor, terminating in a series of indescribable knots attaching it to the street door latch. This high-tech device allows residents of all floors to open the street door to visitors without the necessity of negotiating the stairs, which would entail more exercise than is good for a
cloggy
(too much stair-exercise causes untold wear on shoes and floor/stair covering, resulting in premature replacement of both). Whatever you do, DO NOT use the rope as a banister when ascending the staircase. You will trip the door mechanism and will be obliged to return to the front door again to close it. Continued misuse will draw you into an almost perpetual-motion situation, cycling between climbing up the stairs, climbing down the stairs, closing the door, climbing up the stairs…

Furnishings

The favourite furniture styles are either pseudo-futuristic (Scandinavian influence) or imitation classical/antique (German influence), including
stijl meubelen
(imitation Italian/Spanish renaissance pieces).

Rooms are literally cluttered with the stuff, adding to the sense of claustrophobia already caused by the:

  • lack-of-size of the dwelling
  • regulation Dutch colour scheme, consisting of insipid shades of curdled cream and excreta brown
  • over-abundance of house plants (see Chapter 5).

One area must be dominated by a desk and cumbersome bookshelves. With these two items present, certain tax advantages can be gained. The content of the bookshelves displays the image the owner wants to project.

Window Pains

Windows are a focus for Dutch technology. In some respects, the character of a Dutch home is defined by the style of window installed. They are as much a conversation piece as the remainder of the place. The Dutch invest a large portion of their income in embellishing the interiors of their homes—they need to show them off through large windows, yet are obliged to clutter the things up as much as possible to avoid accusations of egotism.

In contemporary homes, panes must be as large as possible and as technologically-advanced as possible.

When modernizing a house, strive to get the maximum number of ‘doubles’ into your replacement windows:

  • double size
  • double glazing
  • double opening
  • double locking
  • double impressive (style)
  • double curtains (see below).

Be sure not to neglect your windows. They need plenty of cleaning (make sure your neighbours see this happening regularly) and protection (take out adequate window insurance). For the ultimate impression, have your windows professionally cleaned while it is raining.

Curtains are important in Dutch life. Almost every home has a double set of curtains: net curtains (
vitrage
) and heavier, full-length curtains. It is customary to leave the front-room curtains open day and night so everyone can look in and admire the possessions. Even the poorest of the Dutch get their hands on enough money to make their front room a showpiece, to give it their special
cloggy
atmosphere they feel is worth displaying to all passers-by. By true Dutch standards (see Chapter 8), the concept of paying for curtains by the metre and only enjoying a quarter of them is heresy. Upon further reflection, it seems highly likely that the ‘unused’ width is in fact used to mask the emptiness from thieves, vagabonds and squatters (
krakers
) when the official dwellers are on vacation, or otherwise not
thuis
.

Some claim that the open-curtain convention stems from an old Calvinistic tradition indicating to passers-by that nothing ‘sinful’ is happening. It is debatable in this current era of relaxed sexual preferences that such a pious principle presently persists.

Given that the average
cloggy
(having no control over the size of his/her windows) likes to have as many of the things as possible in order to afford maximum light into the dwelling, is it not paradoxical that much of this (free) light is blocked by the plethora of plants parked proximate the panes?

BOOK: 1995 - The UnDutchables
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