3 Breaths (4 page)

He lunges towards me, and with the bottle gripped by the neck, I strike it over his head. The glass shatters with a loud, satisfying pop, and he falls to the ground, his two friends standing there frozen, looking at me. “Come on, bring it, you pussies!” I yell with adrenaline pumping, but they back away and then his girlfriend comes running out panicked when she sees him on the ground. If he wasn’t knocked out cold, I’d lay into him, but looking at his face…he’s taking a nap, poor guy must have been tired.

I walk away and give Hazel a wave on the way back to my apartment as she stands at the entrance to the bar. She looks at me dumbfounded and just shakes her head. It’s time for me to get home. I don’t feel like dealing with the cops over this shit.

“Krane, you really need to be eating more,” my mom says as she fills my plate with a bountiful helping of eggs.

I look down at the yellow slimy mess and know she’s right. But I lose my appetite when the reason why I haven’t been eating much hits me.

“I’ve been eating, Mom, I promise.”

She puts the pan in the sink and looks at me, leaning over the breakfast bar. “Your dad told me you guys got into it. We’re both worried about you, baby.” I set my fork on the ceramic plate and look her in the eye. “You need to talk about what happened,” she pleads.

“What do you want me to say, Mom?” I ask her completely frustrated. “Zoë died in my arms and I couldn’t do a damn thing to save her. Without her, I don’t care about my life, bottom-fucking-line. I can’t just get over that like everyone else wants me to. Every time I close my eyes, I’m haunted by those visions.”

Tears gloss over my mom’s eyes. I haven’t spoken about what happened to Zoë except to the cops on the night that she passed. Revisiting the events breaks me and I’m about to lose control. Leaning into my mom, I kiss her forehead holding on to the back of her head and then flee her house.

I can’t do this.

She sobs as I leave her and I feel terrible, but there’s nothing more that can be said. I’m tired of other people telling me how to be, how to move on. This is my life and I’ll fuckin’ handle it the way that I need to. Driving home, I’m agitated, lost. My mind is haunted with horrific images of the worst day of my life, and somehow I end up at Ivy’s work.

Staring out the window, I’m not sure why I am here, or how she can help. But I know she won’t judge me. The feelings inside of me right now are fucked up and she’s the only one that gets my pain. Sending her a text I ask,
Can you take a quick break and come outside?

She doesn’t respond and I feel like it’s wrong of me to burden her with my problems when she’s working. This has all been so hard on her as well. It’s been tough for her to even come back to work. Putting my truck in reverse, I look around me before backing out and she is walking out of the building. I stop right away, putting the vehicle in park and unlock the doors.

She hops in and looks exhausted. “You okay?” she asks, worrying about me immediately.

I run my hands over my face and let out a deep, frustrated sigh. “Just breathe,” she says using my own words.

I stop what I’m doing and look at her out of the corner of my eye. I give her a small smile and say, “I don’t know what to do anymore, Ivy. I get up every day and try to find a purpose for why I am here, but…” I trail off, anguished with the current mental state that I am in.

“Krane, it’s not your job to figure out why you’re here and Zoë isn’t. You have to believe that it was her time.” She rests her head back, her soft hair blowing from the air conditioner.

God, she is so strong. “How do you keep going on like you do?”

“I don’t have much of a choice. I stayed in bed for over a month and was about to lose my job. Work keeps me busy, a good distraction, I guess. Have you thought about going back to the city and training with Logan?” she asks me.

I shake my head. “Without Zoë, I don’t think that I can go back to my old life.”

She reaches for my hand and grabs it, resting both of our hands on my thigh. “You need to start healing, for Zoë. She wouldn’t want you to be like this.”

I nod, acknowledging her words, but not having a clue how to do that. “Let’s work out tonight. We can go to the gym at my apartment and just do a light workout. Maybe it’ll help clear your mind.”

I agree, for some God unknown reason. A social workout is the last thing I want. Oblivion is the only thing calling my name. But maybe being around Ivy reminds me of Zoë in a good way. Or maybe I’m just too fucked up to make a decision on my own right now.

“Good, I’m off at seven. Now, go home and nap; you look exhausted,” she says.

I nod my head and hug her as she leans over, the warmth of her body so soothing. “I’ll text you,” she says and I watch her get out of my car. She’s wearing tight pants and my eyes follow her ass as she’s walking away.

Heading home, I’m shredded by guilt from staring at Ivy’s ass, defiling her memory for noticing any ass not Zoë’s, knowing she’d have my head on a fucking platter for checking out another chick, and probably take my head off that platter and run it through a meat grinder for it being her sister’s. And then a bolt of agony shoots through me…all I want is Zoë. So much. So I stop to pick up a bottle of tequila to numb the pain and the shame. It’s not the right thing to do…but right now, nothing that I’m doing is right.

Getting back to my car, I hear my name being called from behind me. “Krane, wait up, man.”

I turn to see Rod, an old friend of mine that I partied with a ton before things with Zoë got serious and haven’t really seen much since, but he knows all of what went down. “How the fuck are you?” he asks. “You holding up okay?” There is a genuine smile on his face, which is unlike Rod’s egotistical self.

Looking down at the pavement, I kick the gravel frustrated, knowing it’s better to just lie to him and tell him that I’m fine than to tell him how I really am. “You good, bro?”

“Yeah,” I feign, not able to bring myself to look at him.

“Good! I’m glad I ran into you. I know you’re going through a lot, but I wanted to invite you to a little get together at my place tonight. I’d love to hang out again and catch up. Like the old days.”

I nod my head, picturing the nights that ended in blackout and nothingness we used to have together. “Yeah, man, for sure.”

“Great, six o’clock?”

I agree and watch him jog back to his Mercedes. It’s been years since we’ve hung out. Zoë hated Rod. He was a bad influence on me for sure. He always had sick ass parties and there was sure to be more than just booze there. Looking down at the handle of tequila I’m holding, something more might be just what I need right now.

Do you want to grab a quick bite to eat before we work out?
Ivy texts me.

Fuck! I completely forgot that I’d made plans with her tonight. Running my fingers through my hair, I think about how to handle things. Checking the clock, I figure the best thing to do is just ignore her, especially with the thoughts that I had earlier. She’s Zoë’s sister – her ass needs to be fucking nonexistent to me. But she is the only one who understands me, so I’ll handle dealing with the repercussions tomorrow.

Sitting out front of Rod’s familiar oceanfront house, my mind is flooded with so many memories of past times being here and none of them were with Zoë. That’s strange to me, but also kind of a relief, because all of my memories lately have been consumed by the times we shared. Looking at my empty passenger seat, it hurts to not have her with me, though she sure as fuck wouldn’t want to be here. Taking another swig of liquid brain eraser, I make myself one promise – tonight I will not think of Zoë and everything I lost…only the future, as dismal as it may seem currently.

Getting out of my car, I cross the barren street, music from his house pumping through the air. Walking up the front walk, the door is open and there are a ton of people scattered across the front. I head in and look for Rod, but instead spot a keg in the corner of the room. I fill myself a cup and plan to spend a lot of my night right here.

“What’s up, man?” Rod says, coming in from outside.

I smile and raise my cup to him. “Not much, just got here.”

“Don’t drink that shit, let me get something for you,” he says.

I finish the beer because for me any booze is good. Rod opens the freezer and pulls out a bottle of Patrón. It’s not only my favorite, but his too. Pouring us each a glass of the chilled liquid he says, “I’m glad you made it tonight.”

We head to the outdoor fire pit that is surrounded by a group of people, fortunately all strangers to me. As we each take a chair, I make an effort at small talk, when all I want to do is down my entire glass and let the booze take over. “What’s the celebration for?” I ask.

“Nothing really, you know me, I just wanted to get some friends together and party.”

Yup, that sounds just like Rod, always partying for no good reason. “You still fighting?”

“A little…” But I lose track of my words as my thoughts are interrupted. My eyes are glued to the door where an ex-girlfriend and her punk ass boyfriend she cheated on me with walk through.

Rod looks at me, catching sight of why I stopped talking and says, “Ahhh, fuck, man. I had no idea they were gonna be here.”

“It’s cool,” I tell him, not giving a shit really. What she and I went through was so many years ago I couldn’t care less. But for some reason, I can’t take my eyes off of them. She doesn’t look happy like I remember her, and he’s not even acknowledging her, busy on his phone, completely oblivious to the world.

“Is it cool?” Rod asks me.

“For sure, brother. I wouldn’t cause problems at your house. Plus, that’s old news.”

“Good. So when’s your next fight?” he asks me, trying to pull me away from my death stare.

“Fuck, I don’t know, it could be tonight. I’m doing more of the underground stuff right now.” Taking a drink I sit back and look him in the eye. “I haven’t really got back into taking it very serious since I lost Zoë. Nothing seems to motivate me anymore.”

“I’m sorry, bro, I really am. But getting signed and fighting for a title was always what you were after. I’m surprised you aren’t leaning on that now, going all out.”

I shake my head, “I’m not doing much anymore but making it through each day.”

He raises his drink to me. “I hear ya, but I can see it in you, man; you need to get back in it.”

“Nah, if I don’t have her to enjoy it with, it doesn’t seem worth it.”

“Well, some pussy then, something’s gotta give to get you out of this fucked up rut.”

I laugh and blow Rod off, like I have so many times through the years. He always thinks he knows what’s best for other people.

He heads inside and I can’t help my eyes as they wander back to Jenn. She’s looking at me, and her asshat of a boyfriend still has his nose in his phone.

Is that what she really wanted?

She smiles, but I can’t do the same. Jenn really fucked me up and put me through a world of hurt. Now she has the audacity to smile sitting there with the asshole that she played me with, while I did nothing but love her. Looking at the two of them, I guess she got what she deserved.

What she did jacked with me, and Zoë was the only girl that could pull me out of the craziness that I was living in afterwards. Taking the last chug of my tequila, I head inside. The party is rowdy. Music fills the air and there are cheers around the keg. A girl is high in the air and everyone is chanting, “Drink, drink, drink, drink.”

Filling up my glass with more Patrón, I lean back and watch these stupid people, knowing these guys are getting these girls drunk so they can get some pussy at the end of the night. My mind drifts to Jenn and I look outside to see her boyfriend finally paying her some attention. I can remember the night that I caught those two together, I wanted to beat the shit out of him, but she wouldn’t let me. Looking at her now, I can’t forget what she did to me. As I take a mouthful of alcohol, I catch sight of a familiar blonde. Zoning in on who it is, I’m shocked to see Jenn’s little sister, Casey, and she’s definitely not little anymore.

Damn, she’s fucking hot.