50 Shades of Kink (2 page)

When some people think of activities like flogging, caning, or spanking, they often think of pain. And no one gets turned on by or enjoys pain, right? Actually, some people do. When people experience pain, adrenaline, endorphins, and natural painkillers flood their nervous system. Some people get off on this chemical rush, which many describe as feeling energized, high, or transcendent. Pain is not just a physical event; like many things in our culture, it is also socially constructed and reinforced. When we see a person slap someone's face, we think, “That hurt, that was unpleasant.” But, in the context of a sexually charged scene, when some people are aroused (and their pain tolerance is much higher), they process a face slap in a different way: it feels
good
. They like how their flesh responds and their pulse quickens. It may feel shocking, intimate, stinging; add the taboo
of dominance, punishment, humiliation—whatever that slap signifies for those two people—and you've got a recipe for an intense, pleasurable experience. In certain contexts, one person's pain can be another person's pleasure. Or, as Patrick Califia writes in
The Ultimate Guide to Kink
, “Euphoria and agony are next-door neighbors.”

 

We have to stop thinking of kink as something abnormal or perverse and instead recognize it as part of a broad spectrum of desires. We should not put moral judgments on people who like certain kinds of sex. Imagine if we did that with nonkinky sex. Why does he like the doggie-style position so much? Why doesn't she enjoy receiving oral sex more? Questions like those sound ridiculous, because we accept that some people like this, other people like that, and plenty of people like both. If it turns you on, you're doing it with consenting adults, you're not breaking laws or ruining your own life or someone else's, just stop worrying and go for it. Life's too short to second-guess your desires and what they might
mean
about you.

 

Myth: Kinky people were abused as children, and they are acting out their abuse.
There is actually no research which supports this myth, yet it persists. Do some kinky people engage in very emotionally and/or physically intense practices? Yes. Do some people get off on being pushed to their limit, seeing how much pain they can take, enduring an intense experience, or exploring dark
psychological territory? Yes. In fact, some people do create and enact scenes that echo past traumas in their lives, but there is a major difference between simply repeating past abuse and purposefully crafting an erotic scenario in order to experience catharsis and healing. In real trauma, you feel powerless. In the latter, you write the script, you control the scene, and you have the power.

The truth behind these myths is an important piece in your own journey of self-discovery and can help you embrace your newfound kinky fantasies. Once you get more comfortable with them, you may begin to imagine some scenes you've read about or watched in a film become a part of your real sex life. You think about what it might be like to spank your partner or be someone's sex slave, but how do you begin? First, you need to share your fantasies with your partner, which I realize is sometimes easier said than done. But the only way you will have the opportunity to explore these desires is if you put yourself out there and tell your partner what you really want. Communication is a crucial component of an empowered and fulfilling sex life. There are a number of different ways you can do it, and it all depends on your communication style.

Be direct.
The success of the
Fifty Shades of Grey
trilogy has inspired a new open dialogue about kink among many different kinds of people, and the books are a great way to start the conversation. “So, I read this book, and it turned me on, and I'd like to try some of the stuff with you,” is about as direct as you can get. While you're being so direct, you can also get specific; you can say,
“One of the things in the book that really got me going was [fill in your favorite: bondage, role play, blindfolds, candles, etc.].” You can also talk about how you might like something different: “In the book, Christian uses a riding crop on Anastasia's vulva, but I think I'd like you to try using it on my butt cheeks instead.” Give your partner the space to listen, and tell him he does not have to respond right away if he doesn't want to. If beginning that directly scares you, try the following techniques first and work your way up to a more explicit discussion.

Write it down.
If talking about your desires face-to-face with your partner makes you feel shy, intimidated, or overwhelmed, you could write her a note. Handwritten notes are a rarity these days, so it should get his attention. You can use the same direct approach, but put it on paper, then slip the note to her. Or you can email him a note (as long as it's not to a work email account!). Sending a handwritten or emailed note gives you a chance to compose your thoughts and takes any pressure off the situation; it gives her the opportunity to digest the new information and respond when she's ready. As a bonus, it could spark a series of erotic notes you write back and forth to each other about exactly what you want to do together.

Use the book.
If you're not quite sure how to express your desires, let the book that inspired you do it for you. Select some of your favorite passages and print out or photocopy those pages, highlight the particularly incendiary sections, and include them with your note. Bonus points for underlining, color coding certain activities, writing in the margins, or creating your own footnotes.

Chat in cyberspace.
Sometimes you feel a little bolder if you aren't sitting in the same room with your partner, so try chatting online with instant messages. Unlike email, this gives you the chance to have a real-time dialogue, but there is still a little distance, which may increase your bravery. You can begin the conversation the same way, “I read this book…” and take it from there. This will give your partner a chance to ask questions and you a chance to be specific. Chatting online can also be a way to start the discussion that can then continue in person later.

Go shopping.
Take a trip to your local sex toy store and head to the fantasy role play or bondage section. You both can point out toys that interest you, talk about who wants to do what with them. You don't actually have to buy anything; you can simply use the selection of implements to start the conversation, give you ideas, and point out your preferences. Or you can make a purchase that becomes the spark for your new erotic adventure.

Watch a movie.
Pick an adult film with similar themes to a book you like;
O: The Power of Submission
directed by Ernest Greene, for example, is a modern-day retelling of Pauline Réage's book
The Story of O
(see sidebar for more recommendations). As you watch it together, chime in about what interests you, what turns you off, and what you find intriguing but you're not sure you're ready to try. A movie will give you a visual encyclopedia of different activities, power dynamics, and scenarios—use that information to begin to talk about what you want to do.

All of these approaches should eventually lead to a frank conversation, one you come to with an open mind, patience, and some information. If your partner has questions, be prepared with answers. Be ready to counteract myths,
stereotypes, and misinformation (with assistance from the first part of this chapter).

Sex can be very strongly connected to our egos and our core sense of self; it often makes us feel more vulnerable than anything else we do. It's difficult, especially if you are in a long-term relationship, to reveal that you have a new desire, especially one that's different than what you've expressed in the past. If you realize that going in to the conversation, you will be better prepared for different reactions from your partner which could range from surprise, confusion, and curiosity to shock, hurt, and even anger—or some combination of these. Don't get defensive. Be ready to reassure your partner that this new information doesn't change how you feel about him. Emphasize that these fantasies excite and arouse you, and you want to share that excitement and arousal with him. If you're the one who's hearing this new information, be open. Don't rush to judgment, get defensive, or shut down. Listen to your partner, ask questions, give yourself time to digest the information, and don't feel like you have to respond immediately. Ideally, talking about your fantasies will spark new adventures in bed and bring you closer together.

When someone expresses an interest in kink, I always give the same advice: find your local community. You can begin online by joining one of the largest kinky social networking sites,
FetLife.com
, and from there find other online groups and lists that are tailored to your specific interests, identities, experience level, or
geographic area. Want to know where the kinksters are in your neighborhood? Google BDSM and your town, city, or county, and you'll likely come up with social events, workshops, support groups, conferences, and, for lucky folks, play parties, dungeons, and clubs. There are hundreds of gatherings of kinksters throughout North America and the world—whether a regional organization's annual conference, a camping event for pervy people, or a BDSM retreat—and the majority of them have a strong educational component. On any given weekend, you can learn how to safely set someone on fire, be a good Daddy, plan the perfect orgy, or do bondage without rope.

Once you've talked about your kinky desires with your partner, there are a few more aspects to discuss including different roles, activities, and limits. In the spirit of direct communication and clarity, I'd first like to define some terms you will read throughout this book.

Kink
is an umbrella term for BDSM, kinky sex, dominance and submission, erotic role play, fantasy, and fetish.

 

BDSM
is an acronym and an umbrella term that was first used in the late 80s and early 90s in Internet discussion groups and was more widely adopted in the 2000s.
BDSM
is a combination of several shorter acronyms that reflect the history of our kinky vocabulary and the wide variety of practices that it incorporates:

 

B & D
(also
B/D
) stands for bondage and discipline. It is an older term that first appeared in personals and magazines in the 1970s and became widely used by kinky folks in the 1980s to describe their interest in kink. It wasn't necessarily meant to denote
only
bondage and discipline, but rather a range of activities that
revolved around power exchange. Today
B & D
is much less frequently used as a term on its own.

 

SM
(also
S & M
,
S/M
,
S/m
) is the common abbreviation for sadism and masochism or sadomasochism. (See below for definitions of these and related words.) These terms were coined by Richard von Krafft-Ebing in 1886 and have appeared frequently since then in psychoanalytic literature to describe sexual pathologies; however, kinky people reclaimed them beginning around the 1970s, and
SM
was the most popular term for kink activities until
BDSM
gained widespread use by the 2000s.

 

Sadomasochism
is the enjoyment of giving or receiving pain or discomfort.

 

A
sadist
derives pleasure from inflicting pain, intense sensations, and discomfort on someone else. That pain or discomfort can be physical (like during a spanking), emotional and psychological (as in an interrogation scene), or both.

 

A
masochist
is someone who enjoys receiving pain or intense sensations, being made uncomfortable, or being “forced” to do something they don't want to do. Remember that sadists and masochists experience these desires and pleasures in the context of consensual BDSM scenes.

 

D/s
(also
DS
or
d/s
) stands for dominance and submission or
dominant/submissive. The terms dominant, submissive, and dominance/submission have been around for a long time; people began using them in the context of kink in the 1980s to describe the power dynamic within a SM scene or relationship, or to communicate their interest in roles like master/slave or daddy/boy. In a D/s relationship today, the power exchange may exist without other elements of BDSM.

When a D/s power exchange is always or very often present, partners inhabit their roles and reinforce the dynamic through various rituals, protocols, and behaviors all the time; these relationships may be referred to as
24/7 D/s
(as in 24 hours a day, 7 days a week),
lifestyle D/s
,
TPE
(total power exchange), or
APE
(absolute power exchange). (Read more about dominants and submissive in the next section on roles.)