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Authors: Tristan Taormino

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BOOK: 50 Shades of Kink
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—Kylie
 
A pink handprint on a pale ass cheek. A fistful of hair. A string of gooey spit dripping down your chin. Nails dragged across flesh. A slap across the face. An order barked with cool confidence. A guttural groan or a high-pitched squeal. These are some of the sights and sounds of rough sex. Although it is obviously intensely physical, there are also strong psychological elements in rough sex. Rough sex tops get turned on by taking control of a partner's body, using physical force, and breaking taboos. Bottoms like to explore feelings of being scared, overwhelmed, and out of control.
In my work as a sex educator, I've talked to thousands of people over the years, and some are big fans of playing rough but don't associate it with kink at all. It doesn't really matter what you call it. Rough sex is another kind of dominant/submissive role play where you can explore power, control, and surrender, and use intense physicality to push limits and break taboos. Rough sex can include BDSM activities like spanking, blindfolds, or bondage as well
smacking, pushing, grabbing, hair pulling, spitting, scratching, being held down, and face slapping. If these things sound fun to you, read on.
Although some folks distinguish between rough sex and BDSM and others don't, what's most important is that the basic principles of kink should always be in play: consent, communication, negotiation, education, safety and risk reduction, and aftercare. Telling your partner, “I want it rough,” just isn't specific enough. You need to negotiate, talk about what activities are off limits, and constantly check in about the degree of roughness that works for you. For example, some people love to be slapped in various places on their body, but being slapped in the face is too much for them. But if you are interested in being slapped in the face, think about what will make it sexy for you. Some love being spit on, but others find it degrading; where does it fall on your “Yes–No–Maybe” list? What about having your hair pulled? If you want your partner to grab you, push you, and generally “manhandle” you, talk about how you want that to feel.
You can learn rough sex skills, including proper techniques, parts of the body to avoid, as well as ways to reduce risk and avoid serious injury. (Yes, there are even classes on rough sex, as well as a fantastic chapter about it by Felice Shays in
The Ultimate Guide to Kink
.) If you're into hair pulling, you should get a good grip of the hair at the base of the scalp; you shouldn't ever pull the ends of the hair or yank someone's head by the hair. Slapping follows the rules of spanking and flogging: only smack fleshy parts like the butt, thighs, and upper back; avoid joints, bones, and internal organs. For the face, always hold someone's face with one hand and slap with the other, so they don't get
whiplash. Some people like to be scratched, but make sure you communicate your boundaries: how do you feel about your skin being marked up or even bleeding? If you and your partner are interested in heavier kinds of impact play, like hitting, punching, or kicking, even if you're not a part of the local kink scene, investigate if there is a class or event that teaches you how to do them properly.
Epilogue
Fifty Items for Your Toy Bag
I've composed a list of fifty items for your toy bag—some are for your actual stash of goodies, others are for your metaphorical toy bag. Although there is a lot of wonderful kinky gear available, know that a sharp, creative mind is all you really need to have a good time. So go forth and have one!
1. Consent
2. Communication
3. Honesty
4. “Yes–No–Maybe” list
5. A sense of humor
6. Compassion
7. Trust
8. Enthusiasm
9. An open mind
10. A commitment to adventure
11. Knowledge
12. Safewords
13. Condoms
14. Safer-sex supplies
15. Tissues
16. Hand sanitizer
17. Baby wipes
18. Lube
19. Nail clippers and a nail file
20. Notepad and pen
21. Bandanna
22. Silk scarf
23. Blindfold
24. Massage oil candle
25. Feather
26. Necktie
27. Gag
28. Collar
29. Leash
30. Bondage tape
31. Wrist and ankle cuffs
32. Carabiner clips
33. Rope
34. Safety scissors
35. Faux-fur covered paddle
36. Riding crop
37. Nipple clamps
38. Vibrator
39. Batteries or charger
40. Ben Wa balls
41. Dildo
42. Butt plug
43. Cock ring
44. Cane
45. Leather slapper
46. Clothespins
47. Athletic wrap and/or plastic wrap
48. Hood
49. Earplugs
50. Flogger
Appendix
Reading List
Nonfiction
Becoming a Slave
, by Jack Rinella (Chicago: Rinella Editorial Services, 2005).
 
Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission
, by Gloria Brame and William Brame (New York: Villard, 1996).
 
Leatherfolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics
, edited by Mark Thompson (Los Angeles: Daedalus Publishing, 2004).
 
Leathersex: A Guide for the Curious Outsider and the Serious Player
, by Joseph W. Bean (Los Angeles: Daedalus Publishing, 1994).
 
The Master's Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance
, by Jack Rinella (Los Angeles: Daedalus Publishing, 1994).
 
Miss Abernathy's Concise Slave Training Manual
, by Christina Abernathy
(Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 1996).
 
The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance
, by Mistress Lorelei (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2000).
 
The New Bottoming Book
, by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2001).
 
The New Topping Book
, by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2003).
 
Partners in Power: Living in Kinky Relationships
, by Jack Rinella (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2003).
 
Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring, and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities
, by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2012).
 
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism
, by Philip Miller and Molly Devon (Fairfield, CT: Mystic Rose Books, 1995).
 
The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage
, by Midori (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2002).
 
Sensuous Magic: A Guide for Adventurous Couples
, by Patrick Califia (Berkeley: Cleis Press, 2002).
 
Shibari You Can Use: Japanese Rope Bondage and Erotic Macramé
, by Lee Harrington (New York: Mystic Productions Press, 2007).
 
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction
, by Jay Wiseman (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 1998).
 
Two Knotty Boys Showing You the Ropes: A Step-by-Step, Illustrated Guide for Tying Sensual and Decorative Rope Bondage
, by Two Knotty Boys (San Francisco: Green Candy Press, 2006).
 
The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge
, edited by Tristan Taormino (Berkeley: Cleis Press, 2012).
 
When Someone You Love Is Kinky
, by Dossie Easton (Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2000).
Kinky Novels and Fiction Anthologies
The Academy: Tales of the Marketplace
, edited by Laura Antoniou (Cambridge, MA: Luster Editions, 2012).
 
Best Bondage Erotica,
edited by Alison Tyler (Berkeley: Cleis Press, 2003).
 
Best Bondage Erotica 2013
, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel (Berkeley: Cleis Press, 2012).
 
Best Lesbian Bondage Erotica
, edited by Tristan Taormino (Berkeley: Cleis Press, 2003).
 
Bound by Lust: Romantic Stories of Submission and Sensuality
, edited by Shanna Germain (Berkeley: Cleis Press, 2012).
 
Carrie's Story: An Erotic S/M Novel
, by Molly Weatherfield (Berkeley: Cleis Press, 2012).
 
Cheeky Spanking Stories
, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel (Berkeley: Cleis Press, 2012).
 
Hurts So Good: Unrestrained Erotica
, edited by Alison Tyler (Berkeley: Cleis Press, 2011).
 
Macho Sluts
, by Patrick Califia (Vancouver: Arsenal Pulp Press, 2009).
 
Making the Hook-Up: Edgy Sex with Soul
, edited by Cole Riley (Berkeley: Cleis Press, 2010).
 
Mr. Benson
, by John Preston (Berkeley: Cleis Press, 2004).
 
The Marketplace
, by Laura Antoniou (Cambridge, MA: Circlet Press, 2010).
 
My Girlfriend Comes to the City and Beats Me Up
, by Stephen Elliott (Berkeley: Cleis Press, 2006).
 
Please, Ma'am: Erotic Stories of Male Submission
, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel (Berkeley: Cleis Press, 2010).
 
Please, Sir: Erotic Stories of Female Submission
, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel (Berkeley: Cleis Press, 2010).
 
The Reunion
, by Laura Antoniou (Fairfield, CT: Mystic Rose Books, 2003).
 
The Slave
, by Laura Antoniou (Cambridge, MA: Circlet Press, 2011).
 
The Trainer
, by Laura Antoniou (Cambridge, MA: Circlet Press, 2011).
About the Author
TRISTAN TAORMINO
is an award-winning author, sex educator, speaker, filmmaker, and radio host. She is the author of seven books, including
The Secrets of Great G-Spot Orgasms and Female Ejaculation
,
The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women
, and
Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
. She is the editor of more than twenty-five anthologies including
The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge
, and she is coeditor of
The Feminist Porn Book: The Politics of Producing Pleasure
. She was creator and series editor of the
Best Lesbian Erotica
anthology series. Her books have sold over 500,000 copies and been translated into many languages. She's written for a multitude of publications from
Yale Journal of Law and Feminism
to
Penthouse
, and she served as editor of the magazine
On Our Backs
. She was a syndicated columnist for
The Village Voice
for nine and a half years and writes an advice column for
Taboo Magazine
.
Tristan is also the producer and host of Sex Out Loud, a weekly radio show on the VoiceAmerica Network. As the head of Smart Ass Productions, she has directed and produced twenty-four sex education and erotic films; she is currently an exclusive director for Vivid Entertainment. Her films have won more than a dozen awards, and she was the first female director to win the AVN Award for Best Gonzo Movie. Tristan and her work have been featured in over four hundred publications including
O: The Oprah Magazine
,
The New York Times
,
Redbook
,
Cosmopolitan
,
Glamour
,
Entertainment Weekly
,
Details
,
New York
Magazine
,
Men's Health
, and
Playboy
. She has appeared on HBO's
Real Sex
,
The Howard Stern Show
,
Loveline
,
Ricki Lake
,
Melissa Harris-Perry
, MTV, CNN, NBC, MTV, Oxygen, Fox News, the Discovery Channel, and on over a hundred radio shows.
Tristan lectures at top colleges and universities including Yale, Cornell, Princeton, Brown, Harvard, Columbia, Smith, Johns Hopkins, and UCLA, where she speaks on gay and lesbian issues, sexuality and gender, and feminism. She teaches sex and relationship workshops around the world. You can find her online at
puckerup.com
.
More Guides from Tristan Taormino and Cleis Press
The Ultimate Guide to Kink
BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge
By Tristan Taormino
 
“This is more than just a guide to kink, it's more than a sex manual. Editor Tristan Taormino has brought the players, thinkers and rock stars of the kink scene and together they have created a book that not only lets people know where to start, but why to start, and what they'll get out of it. Vanillas, novices, old hands, old guard—everyone can learn from this collection.”—Dan Savage
 
Trade paper ISBN: 978-1-57344-779-9
E-book ISBN: 978-1-57344-782-9
$19.95
The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for
Opening Up
Women, 2
nd
edition
A Guide to Creating and Sustaining
By Tristan Taormino
Open Relationships
By Tristan Taormino
“A must-must-must for every committed and curious ass-bandit.” —Susie Bright
“This is the book you want to read if you're looking for a voice that is balanced, sensitive and sensible when tackling the thorny question of sexual boundaries in love relationships.
Opening Up
is sure to open up your mind.”—Esther Perel, author of
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence
Trade paper ISBN: 978-1-57344-221-3 E-book ISBN: 978-1-57344-522-1 $16.95
Trade paper ISBN: 978-1-57344-295-4 E-book ISBN: 978-1-57344-497-2 $17.95
BOOK: 50 Shades of Kink
13.13Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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