Ambrosia (A Flowering Novella) (12 page)

S
he stands in the doorway as the music changes. There is light coming from behind her and it looks like she’s walking through a sunbeam or a halo. As soon as my eyes adjust, she’s there, in her dress, walking toward me, her bouquet shaking as she clutches it. I want to run to her. I want to hold her and kiss her and carry her away and tell her she’s the most beautiful and perfect woman on Earth, but I stand in my spot and tighten my fist around the vows I’m holding in my pocket.

Instead of a veil, she opted for a tiara – because she’s a princess, and her hair is up, wrapped inside of it and curled so it falls around her face. There are plants or something weaved into it. I don’t know what they are or what they do, but it doesn’t matter, because all I can do is stare. She is stunning.

Everyone stands for her, but the entire room, the entirety of the people, is peripheral to Lily walking down the aisle. Her eyes lock on mine and she smiles a shy, sad smile. Her father walks behind her, also smiling, but I can see him trying not to cry. I want to cry, too. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve
her
. But she thinks I do and she’s staring at me like I am all she has ever wanted. All of my questions about life, all of my doubts and fears, they are nothing. I am alive so I can stand here today and I know that this is what I was put on this earth for.

“Be good to her, Jack,” Mr. Drummond says when they reach me and he goes to sit with his wife, who has been crying since she sat down. She managed to remain stoic until she got to the seat, but it’s been nonstop since.

Alana takes Lily’s bouquet and Abby holds her dress so she can step up to meet me and she takes my hand and that’s all I know. People are talking, Laura is reading something, Owen gets up and then Jon, but I can’t hear anything. All I can do is lose myself in Lily’s eyes. They’re wet from crying, but also so bright and she’s smiling, even though she’s sad. She mouths,
I love you
, to me during one of the readings and I don’t even hear Laura call my name.

“What?” I say when I finally hear it.

“I think you want Lily to hear this?” she asks.

I notice Lily’s grandmother at the lectern, waiting to read, and I nod, and turn Lily so she is facing her grandmother. I lean over and whisper, “I hope it’s a good poem.”

Her grandmother coughs and then starts to read. “Let it be you who leans above me on my final day. Let it be you who shuts my eyelids forever. Say a ‘goodnight’ as you have said it all these years. With the old look, with the old whisper, and without tears. You will know then, all that in silence you always knew. Though I have loved, I have loved no other as I love you.”

“Thank you,” Laura says and Lily turns back to me, tears spilling now. It was short, but that’s what I feel about Lily. There is nothing but us, forever, from this moment forward and I will live, just to hold her hand when the time comes that I cannot live any longer.

I tighten my grip on her hands now. They’re shaking. She’s trying so hard not to cry, not to make a mess of her makeup, and it’s adorable.

“At this time,” Laura continues, “I would like to invite Jack and Lily to share with you the vows that they’ve prepared. When I met them, they said they wanted to write their own vows, but I saw that Lily was nervous. I saw that she was worried about finding the words. But then I saw her look at Jack – and I can assure you that you will all see now what I saw when she looks at him. Lily, are you ready?”

She nods and turns back toward Kristen, who hands her the folded square of paper that was tucked into one of the bouquets. “I should have memorized these,” Lily says. “I probably did, but I can’t really think clearly right now.”

Everyone laughs a little and I know they think we’re cute and sweet, but I sort of forgot they were even here. Lily opens her paper and takes a deep breath. “Jack... Oh, Jack,” she says and pauses, choking back tears.

“Whenever you’re ready, princess,” I tell her. I was supposed to go first, but Lily insisted. Since I had picked the poem, she said she wanted to have her say. I think she was also afraid that she wouldn’t be able to speak by the time I was done.

“Jack, how can I ever put into words this entire road we have walked - and how excited I am to see what comes next for us? Years ago, I thought I had it all figured out. I wasn't sure of so many things, yet I was sure I knew what I wanted. I didn't listen and I was childish and self-absorbed and I wasn't much of a girlfriend, a friend, or a daughter. I thought I was all grown up and that my life and my small cross-section of reality were all that mattered.”

She takes another deep breath and her hands shake harder as she does. She looks up and then quickly goes back to reading. “When you first walked into my life, you intimidated me. It wasn't just how brash you came across or the ridiculous swagger you had that was both sexy and alienating. You looked at me and I was a little ashamed of myself. I knew in that moment just how little I really did know. You made me feel like a kid and you made me feel naive, but I couldn't stop thinking about you, because you also made me feel like I was more than I was in that moment.”

“Lily...” I say, but she just keeps reading.

“A few years ago, I had to sit in your dorm room and wait for an ambulance. I'm not mentioning it today to make you feel guilty, or to dwell on the past. I mention it because, Jack, for those few hours when there was a possibility of losing you, I saw nothing but emptiness. You have filled my life. I stand here today to promise you that I will spend every moment of the rest of it trying to show you just how much - and trying to do the same for you. I have so much I want to say, but we have a lifetime to fill all our quiet moments with those words and promises. Instead, I want to promise you one thing, because it's the truest promise I've ever made and I know that nothing will ever change for me, as far as this goes.”

She folds the paper and hands it back to Kristen, getting the ring in exchange, and then Lily takes my hand, slipping the ring onto my finger. There was supposed to be a whole separate ring portion of the ceremony, but I don’t think either of us can make it that long.

It feels strange to me to wear this ring, but as she grabs my hand in hers and meets my eyes, she smiles and I forget the ring and the order of the stages of the service and everything but what Lily is.

“I love you, Jack, and here, in front of our friends and family, I promise you that I will continue to love you forever.
You
are my forever.”

T
his better be the world’s best mascara, because all I remember from today so far is crying.

Jack’s poem was perfect. He looks perfect. I feel so much love for him watching him adjust his ring and then fumble around in his pocket for mine and for his vows. He stares at the two items once they’re in his hand and puts the vows in his teeth, taking my hand and slipping the ring on without ceremony. It’s all wrong – and it’s absolutely right.

“The ring comes later,” I tease, trying to calm my shaking and crying, and he looks surprised, but I shake my head. “I like it better this way.”

He struggles to open the paper and then he crumples it up, handing it to Dave, and he turns back to me.

“As soon as we agreed to write our vows,” Jack says, “I started mine because I knew I could never find words that said what I needed to say. I had everything written out. Several times, as a matter of fact, but nothing was right. Just recently, when I was gone for work, I sat down and rewrote them because I wanted you to know what I felt for those few days. But looking at you today, Lily, I just want to tell you what I feel right now. What I have always felt and will always continue to feel.”

He steps closer. “Over the last four years, you've become a constant. I depend on you, which is something I have never done before. I like to close people out, as my few friends can attest, because I'm scared of losing. I've been scared of losing you every single day, but I won't close myself off to you because I need you in my life. It was only a few days when I was gone for work, but sleeping alone felt strange. You've reshaped my life and being away from you made me see that you carved out a special place for yourself. There's nothing that can replace that, and I would be incomplete without you.”

He pauses, holds both my hands in his, and kisses me on the cheek. “Lily, my princess, I swear to you that for the rest of both of our lives, I will live with the sole purpose of deserving you. When you don't feel well at night, I'll tuck you in and bring you soup and rub your back until you feel better. When you cry, I'll sit by your side and I will make you laugh or listen or rage along with you. I'll be there to make you smile, to buy you cookies, and to teach you how to shoot zombies. I will listen to you read aloud from books you think are too good to go unshared and I'll be there to remind you when that show you like comes back on or to help you kill a spider or to get something down from the top shelf. I'll be your friend and your husband and your lover and your partner in everything, and I don't need anything from you in return. Nothing except you. I love you, my perfect strawberry girl.”

In typical Jack fashion, he concludes his vows by ignoring the rest of the plans for the service and grabbing me, pulling me to him and kissing me passionately in front of everyone. His hands roam the back of my dress and I nearly pass out from the intensity of it and I fall into him.

Laura coughs and says, “Well, I guess we’re at that part. You may, um, kiss the bride.”

There is music and she wraps things up and people stir and we’re supposed to walk down the aisle, but Jack keeps kissing me for a moment longer. Then, saying nothing, he grabs me and carries me outside. We have to stand here for a receiving line and take more pictures and then head to the reception area, but I just want to stand here with him and let him kiss me some more. We don’t, though. We greet people and thank them for coming. However, when no one is looking, he sneaks me kisses. After they all go inside, we do pictures with the wedding party, and it seems like hours pass before we can head into the reception to the announcement of our names.

Jack didn’t want me to take his name. He said that his name had nothing good associated with it, and that I should keep Drummond, because it represented good and light and beauty. I told him to shut up and that now Connelly was those things, too. Still, hearing “Mr. and Mrs. Jack and Lily Connelly” is crazy and I almost don’t move, because it takes me a second to process that the DJ means me.

“If you could all join us in celebrating Jack and Lily’s first dance,” the DJ requests, and everyone forms a circle around us so we can dance. It turns out neither of us actually knows how. Jack didn’t go to Prom or school dances and I never really cared about these things much and the song we picked isn’t great for dancing, so mostly we just sway back and forth while more than 140 people watch us.

“You look fucking amazing,” Jack says while we dance.

“You look pretty good yourself.”

“This flower is stabbing me in the tit,” he complains.

“God, I love you.” We stop swaying and kiss, getting an “awwww” from our family and friends, which is kind of weird. “They’re all watching us,” I tell him.

“There are things I could say...”

“Best not.”

I’m sure everyone is hungry and I know there are about 100 things left on my mother’s checklist for the night, but as of now, I have what I need. We’re married and it’s official and, despite the awkward voyeurism of this moment, I would be happy if we just did some inept back and forth swaying for the rest of the night.

L
ily’s father thanks everyone for coming and gives a quick toast, but it’s short and really little more than a congratulations. I think he’s struggling to hold it together and they still have to dance later. Although we don’t officially have a best man and maid of honor, we agreed to let Alana give the big, formal toast. She’s kind of both, I guess, and she seemed excited about it. Until now.

I can tell immediately that she’s uncomfortable, but I know that it’s important to her. She felt bad about not agreeing to the dance with me, but in the end, she was right. It’s more of an honor to my mom to acknowledge her absence than to replace her.

“I didn’t meet Lily under normal circumstances,” Alana begins her toast and I panic, convinced that she’s about to announce to Lily’s seventy thousand aunts that we had a threesome. She doesn’t, though. Thankfully.

“You see, I loved Jack from the first day he talked to me in math class, back in high school. He was my best friend, and for most of my experiences growing up, I was convinced it was going to be me and Jack forever. I couldn’t understand why he wanted to go away to school, why he didn’t want to continue to live the same life we were living. I had another boyfriend in high school, too, but I never made room for anyone but Jack.” She looks at Dave and he nods at her to continue.

“When Jack saw Lily, he was lost to me. I kind of hated her at first. Until I met her, I mean. I figured he had just started obsessing over someone pretty.” Alana pauses and looks at Lily. “She is pretty, of course, but there was something else about her. I don’t think it’s some cliché love at first sight thing, but I think they were meant to stumble across each other when they did.

“Lily didn’t just heal Jack; she healed me, too. I was scared of letting go, of thinking anyone else would ever want me, but when he found her, I had to – and I opened up to someone whom I had let go a long time ago. I think a lot of it was simply that Lily loved Jack so much. If that was real, if there was that kind of love in the world, suddenly, I felt entitled to it as well.”

Alana wipes her eyes and lifts her champagne flute. “To Jack and Lily. My best friends – and the people who make us all believe that anyone, regardless of their past, still has a chance at love.”

The catering staff is efficient. Alana has barely sat down and people are just finishing their champagne when the rolls and salads come out. I’m excited to eat something, realizing I haven’t eaten since the rehearsal dinner, until Lily’s mom comes over.