An Hour in the Darkness (8 page)

They gave me some tablets in the hospital that tasted foul and I couldn't swallow them too well, but they sure made everything seem a whole lot better. I still take those pills when I get down about things. They make me see things differently. The consultant at the hospital told me to go and see my GP (General Practitioner), for Chrissake. He said I needed to get some proper long-term medication and psychiatric help. He said he thought I was probably manic depressive, or something, for crying out loud. They sure as hell were more concerned about my goddamn state of mind than my wound. I stayed at the hospital for a few weeks. When they eventually let me out it was nearly December. On my last day, I went and sat in the gardens to look at the wire statues they've got there. It was a dismally grey day and I was the happier for it. Listen, you'd better understand that I'm not too good with sunshine. Sunshine can always depress you, okay?

Then, while I was sitting there, taking in the world, I saw Ronnie. She was standing staring at me through the glass in the cafeteria next to the gardens. I watched her fold and unfold her arms about a million times or more. She looked shaky, and sad, and pretty, all at the same time. It also looked like she was shy about coming outside and talking to me. Well, I made it real easy for her. I beckoned her to come hither and she sort of shuffled through the door and towards me. Her head was bowed and her arms were folded tightly. She had a drab grey coat and untidy hair, if you want all the crappy details.

“Hello,” she said.

Ronnie's voice was so quiet it nearly tore the hospital walls down. Her face was white, but not a healthy white like before, rather a sickly white that made you feel a little ill yourself to look at it. It looked as if her skin was tinged with blue, like when you put a spot of ink in milk.

“Sit down, little girl,” I said. “Before you blow away you look so thin.”

Ronnie sat down heavily, so close to me, in fact, that my love for her came back in one wonderful, sweeping rush. I couldn't speak for once, I really couldn't. I just sat there gazing at her.

“I'm so sorry,” she said.

“Why?” I said, knowing full well why.

“Talking to you like that.
Saying all those awful things
.”

“Don't get upset,” I said.

I was trying to make it easy for her, I admit it.

“I'm so very sorry. I can't tell you how sorry I am.”

Ronnie sounded real lost and it choked me up.

“Anything for you,” I said.

I couldn't think of anything else.

“Why would you do that?”

“Why wouldn't I?”

Ronnie was shivering badly and getting worked up, I shouldn't wonder. Her breast was heaving under her coat. It was moving so damn hard her arms were moving up and down with it. God, I felt so uncomfortable all of a sudden. I knew that I would probably laugh pretty soon, if she didn't get herself under control pretty quick. I can't deal with people's breasts heaving around like that. My head was aching badly and the pain in my chest wasn't from the knife wound. It was all very romantic.

I stood up suddenly. I had to break the tension. I was unravelling again. I cracked my fingers and then pulled on my imaginary braces, stretching them as far as they would go without snapping. I held my head solemnly and wagged a finger at her. I think I tried to look stern. I walked to another bench, a few feet away, and sat down. I wouldn't look at her. I stared at the grey sky. I took a deep breath in, sighed, and shook my head wearily. It was all very dramatic and done for effect. I thought I was in a goddamn movie or something.

I decided I'd let her suffer enough. Listen, if you drag that sort of thing out too much you're going to ruin it. I didn't drag it out too much. I let it carry on just long enough. I was crazy with excitement when Ronnie came and sat down next to me. The excitement was rushing through my veins like electricity or something. It sure was nice having her follow me around like that. It felt good knowing that old Ronnie would probably follow me to the end of the world if I asked her to. It would have been a pretty cruel trick though, when you think about it.

“I understand if you never want to see me again,” she said. “But I needed to come and see you to say thank you.”

“Thank me?” I whispered it. I looked at something behind her head – a blackbird in a tree, I think – and tried to focus on it.

“Thank you,” she said.

“You don't need to thank me, Ronnie.”

“Yes, I do. I can't get any of it out of my mind. What you did for me. The way you stood there when he put the knife into you. I've watched it over and over again in my mind.
The look on your face when he did it.
I can't get your face out of my head. You just watched him do it and then you smiled back at him. You had the calmest face I've ever seen. You didn't even seem to feel the pain for a long time. I can't get over it. I'm a total wreck. I can't sleep over this. Please forgive me. All those terrible things I said to you and then you did that. I feel ashamed. I'm so sorry.”

“All in a day's work for Superman.” I stood up and whooshed my coat around like a cape. Then I sat down again.

“And all the time, all the fucking time, all you do is joke. I can't get over it as easily as you can. It's driving me crazy. The way you are. I can't stand it and I don't know why. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't move on with my life until I know why you did it.”

Ronnie looked terribly sad and all I could do to help was crinkle my nose. I began to cough. I clapped my hands because they were frozen with the cold. I felt weak suddenly. I was floating in the sky and looking down at us both, sitting on the bench. I was having an out-of-body experience, I'm certain of it. I didn't feel in control of my faculties. It was because I'd lost all that blood, I suppose.

“Please answer me. Why would you do that?”

“I did it because I love you,” I said.

“That's bullshit. That's from story books and films, for crying out loud, that's not real life. No one does that in real life. Please! I almost wished to God that you hadn't done it. Don't you understand that? I can't deal with it.”

Old Ronnie sure was getting worked up. It was beginning to get a bit embarrassing. I'm like that. You can be pouring your heart out to me and telling me the most important thing in your life, like you love me, and everything, but if you're raising your voice then I'm going to feel embarrassed. Ronnie was shouting louder than I used to, for Chrissake. It was a proper reversal of fortune kind of thing.

“Just say you'll walk out with me, little girl, and we'll say no more about it.”

“What? I can't believe any of this.”

“Believe it, angel face. Just go walking out with me one night. Any night, tonight for Chrissake. Just a heartbreak stroll around the Clock Tower and back.”

“I don't understand you.”

“What's to understand?” I said, rather coyly, if you don't mind. “I love you.”

“My head's all over the place,” she said.

“So is mine.” I grinned.

I still kept a sense of humour about it all.

“I don't know what to do.”

“Just go out with me, one time, and then if you don't absolutely have the best night of your life I'll never bother you again.”

I drawled it out all in front of her. I fluttered my eyelashes to get the full effect. I was hoping I didn't faint before I heard her answer. My lips were turning blue, I shouldn't wonder.

“Okay. I suppose I owe you that.”

I was over the moon when old Ronnie agreed to go out with me like that. I felt tired after she'd gone, and dizzy, and when my chest started bleeding again I had to holler for the nurse. I was terribly weak and light-headed a lot back then. I had to lie back down on the pillow for a moment because black patches were gobbling up my eyesight.

When they let me out later that day, I went back to my room in the Angel Gateway. I think I slept for about a million years. When I woke up old Jenny was sitting on the end of the bed, staring at me. She had the saddest expression on her face. I told her about Ronnie agreeing to go out with me, but she just sulked and pulled a face.

“That's nice for you,” she said in a way that let you know she wasn't overjoyed about the whole thing.

“What's the matter, old Jenny, my sweet? It doesn't mean anything, really, you should know that. You're the only girl in the world really for old Franklin. Jenny, please don't look so sad. Jenny, you're frightening me now.”

“It's alright for you.”

“I thought you'd be happy for me.”

“I am,” she said, and then started crying all over the place until it just about broke your heart in pieces.

I wanted to put my arm around her, but I knew it wouldn't do any good.

“I'm sure sorry you're dead, and everything,” I said.

Jenny started sniffing until it all but got on my nerves. I pulled a few goofy faces and Jenny looked at me with those big brown eyes that can just about kill you if you're not careful. Then she smiled.

“That's better,” I said.

Boy, when old Jenny smiles at you like that it just about lights up the whole world. It's like a million stars exploding in the night sky or something.

“I'm pleased for you really,” she said, through damp sniffles.

“I sure wish I were dead instead of you.”

“Don't you dare say that,” she said.

“Why, it's true, isn't it? I meant to ask God about it.”

“I told you already. That was because of the bang on your head.”

“I know, already. I'm not crazy, you know?”

“Listen to me before I get cross, okay? It wasn't your fault that I got run over that day, okay? I should have damn well looked where I was going.”

“Let's not talk about that,” I said.

“We've got to talk about it, Franklin. You've got to start taking responsibility for your own life. Stop hiding in the shadows. Face up to the real world. You live in a fantasy world, for Chrissake.”

Old Jenny started laying down the law, and everything, like only she could. She sure seemed to be in a foul mood for some reason. I didn't know where to put my face or anything. Jenny can sure get worked up when she's in a mood. I'm glad you weren't there. I sure as hell wouldn't have wanted you to have seen all that. I sure was spineless in the face of it too. And even now I'm kind of embarrassed when I think about the whole thing.

When old Jenny had finished, she came and hugged me, and said that we wouldn't mention it again. She said it was all water under the bridge. Jenny also said that if I didn't simply have the best night of my life with Ronnie she'd probably never speak to me again.

I met Ronnie near the Clock Tower. I didn't think she'd show up, but she did. She looked beautiful and I knew I'd go anywhere with her. We sat holding hands for hours. We never held hands, okay? We were both a little shy about things, I suppose. I was proud that she was next to me.

“Look,” she said. “There's a party going on at my friend's house.”

“Friend or fiend?” I said. Ronnie ignored me and moved a lovely bang of hair from out of her eyes.

“Would you like to come? You could meet some of my friends.”

Ronnie seemed to hold her breath tightly after she said it, almost as if she hoped I would say no. Hey, listen, I know that I said I would go anywhere with Ronnie, but I sure didn't want to go and meet her lousy friends. I was so damn insecure and everything by then I wanted to kill myself. I hate all those social bashes, don't you? I just wanted the girl all to myself. I was so terrified that Ronnie would meet someone who would make her laugh more than I did. You can understand that, can't you? If it isn't all about me, it just isn't worth it. Look, I'll love you to death, but if you start laughing at something someone else has said I'm going to leave you, okay? I won't stand for that. It doesn't matter if you laugh at something that one of your girlfriends has said, but if you laugh at another boy, well, I'm going to hate you for the rest of your life. It's all very immature and insecure, I know.

“We don't have to go if you don't want to,” Ronnie said.

“No, hey listen, I'd love to go, of course I would.”

I really didn't want to go by then. I wanted to cry. I felt so damned depressed all of a sudden. I wanted to go home because everything was ruined. It suddenly felt like all the happiness had been sucked away and the walls were crumbling down next to me. One minute I'm wildly happy, the next the whole wide world is falling down around my ears. Boy, it sure is exhausting living your life like that. It's like all the happiness rushes away because it can't stand to be around you.

I knew that me and old Ronnie were doomed from the start. I knew that it would all end in tears like everything else. I knew it would all come to nothing and I was happy about it in a strange, bizarre kind of way. Listen, you'd better understand that I love all that heartbreak stuff that comes afterwards, okay? I fall in love about a million times a day, okay? You'd better believe it if you're intending to stay with me. Listen, you'd better break my heart quickly before I break yours. And listen to this next bit. When I fall, I fall pretty heavily. I mean, I fall from the greatest height you can possibly imagine and I smash into about a million tiny pieces. I know this is all sounding a little crazy, and everything, but I just wanted you to know that, you know, before you decide to start falling in love with me and everything. I'm going to try and break your goddamn heart before you break mine. It's the only decent way.

Don't you just love all that kind of thing though? Isn't it what the world is all about? Really, what else is it about, if it isn't love? We all want to fall in love, don't we? And we all want to be loved? Yeah, that's right, I reckon. It's funny; I seem to know so damn much about it, you'd think I'd get it right. I seem to hold on to it too tightly, I suppose. Like Ronnie's hand. I'm not happy unless I'm crushing the life out of it. I'm not totally happy until I've completely destroyed everything.

I'm happier when I'm wandering around, half dazed, in the battlefields afterwards. If I'm happy for too long, I start thinking that something isn't right. I start to look around for things to go wrong and as soon as you do that things do start going wrong. It's like I think I don't deserve to be happy. I'm good with misery, but I'm not too comfortable with happiness. I don't trust happiness like I do misery. Listen, you know where you are with misery and you know that nobody else is going to want to get a part of it. But happiness? Well, I just don't know. I reckon the whole world will want to try and take away your happiness.

Listen, it's exhausting trying to hold on to your happiness. It's much easier to let it go. It's easier living with misery because you can turn your back on it. And you know that whatever happens, nobody is going to creep up and steal it away. Yeah, that's right, I suppose. I think that's how it is.

Anyway, that's how we ended up going to Ronnie's friend's party. Listen, you'd better understand that I hated Ronnie's friend right from the start, even before I met him. As soon as she told me his name was Danny I hated him, okay? If Ronnie had told me
her
name was Debra then I would have liked
her
for sure, but when she told me
his
name was Danny, I just knew it wasn't going to work out too well.

When I saw the swell, semi-detached house, I was a little nervous about walking through the door. I'm not too comfortable around large numbers of people. If I see a crowd I sort of go to pieces. I start saying crazy things just to try and impress everyone. Listen, it doesn't impress anyone, so don't do it. Anyway, as soon as I collapsed through the door I started coming out with all the crazy stuff that was supposed to be funny. You know the kind of stuff I mean, okay? Anyway, it was so damn loud in old Danny's house nobody could hear me anyway and I spent the whole night practically screaming the place down. Isn't life a bit like that though? You spend your whole time screaming the place down and nobody is listening.

Anyway, I sort of lost Ronnie in the general hubub of things and found myself a shivering and a dithering, and alone, in the kitchen. My fingers were hovering over the delectable nibbles, but I kind of knew all along that I wouldn't be able to eat any of it. You can put a mountain of food in front of me at a party and I'm not going to eat it, okay? Listen, if some stranger who I've never met before hands me a plate of food that they've prepared with their own hands then I'm just not going to eat it. Not in a million years. Listen, if you ever invite me to your party – and I hope you never do because I won't come – you'd better just hand me a goddamn unopened packet of crisps or something. Look, if you offer me a nice tuna sandwich that you've just made then I'll run a mile. Listen, if you make me a cheese and pickle sandwich at least I'm going to think about it, okay?

I eat so damn slowly as well. And it's pure torture if you've got to watch something like that. Listen, when I was a kid I choked on a sandwich and since then I have to chew my food for about a thousand years before I can swallow it. It's all in the mastication for me, I suppose. Boy, it's exhausting when you have to chew your food for a million years or more because you think it's going to choke you. You really can't enjoy food when you eat that way. It's also agonising for other people to watch, okay, because they don't know why the hell you're eating so slowly. In the end they just watch you because it's all so strange and compelling, and everything, and they can't help themselves. Hey, I'm not blaming them, okay? Listen, it's far better if I eat by myself most of the time.

Anyway, I needed to go outside pretty soon, I figured. I'd lost Ronnie for sure, I knew that. Christ, everybody knew it. Old Danny boy knew it for sure. The music they were playing was so damn loud I couldn't hear myself think. Old Danny boy sure had a lousy taste in music and all. Listen, if you don't play “Little Girl So Fine”
by
The Asbury Dukes then I'm probably not coming to your party, okay? I wanted to be in the cold outside because I felt cold inside. I wanted to be by myself because I knew that was how it was always going to end. I grabbed a can of pop and went outside.

Anyway, I sort of lingered outside the back window for a while, looking in at the fun. I wasn't part of the scene back then, I suppose. I moved away from the house when I couldn't stand it anymore and strolled around the garden for a few hours, you know, walking up and down the lawn, staring at the flowers in the light from the house. The moon was hanging in the sky above me and everything was pretty for a while.

There was a sweet little pond in the garden, with a plastic bridge over it, and when the moonlight shone on the water it glittered with the reflection of the stars. I was starting to feel romantic again and my heart began to ache for Ronnie. It was aching for anyone by then, I suppose. Jenny came and sat down near the pond and I reminded her about the time she threw my
Yellow Submarine
in our pond back home to see if it would float. Of course, it didn't float; it just sort of sank into the filthy water. It twinkled once or twice before disappearing forever in the murky depths. Listen, that
Yellow Submarine
was about a million years old, okay, and worth a fortune. I was fuming, but old Jenny thought it was all very amusing and just laughed at me. In fact, Jenny started to laugh again, while we were sitting there. The music from the house sounded thin and the moon was leaning forwards in the sky, peering down, and the stars were twinkling.

Anyway, I sat down on a wet stone next to Jenny and listened to the water tripping over the stones. I love all that water lapping across the rocks, don't you? I could practically sit down and listen to the tinkling of pond water all night. And the moon was throwing down silvery lances all around me. I was bursting with romance. I was practically begging to see old Ronnie's face by then and it sure had a lot to do with the moon, I think. Jenny told me to get back in the house immediately and fight for Ronnie's love, and I told her that I jolly well was going to as well.

I looked at the moon one more time. I swear I could see Ronnie's face in it. I really could. Jenny couldn't though and said I was fantasising. She was all smiling and glowing. I sort of blew her a kiss, which is ridiculous, I know, and she winked back at me in a real friendly way. I felt so happy again I was practically bursting. Anyway, when I couldn't stand being away from Ronnie any longer, I sort of dragged my sorry ass up off the stone and went back into the house to find her. I wanted to tell her I was sorry.

Jenny called out, “Way to go, Franklin.”

Well,
when I got back to the kitchen and saw Ronnie sitting with old Danny I felt sick.

They were a-huddled and a-cuddled together in a corner and she had her arm around his neck. Old Danny was crying about something and so I started crying as well. I wanted to run away and die. It felt like somebody called Ronnie had kicked me in the heart or something. And I think I was crying a hell of a lot louder than old Danny by the time Ronnie turned around. I caught a reflection of myself in the kitchen window and I looked real upset, I admit it. The look on my face chilled me to the bone, if you really want to know.

Ronnie smiled weakly at me, but then turned back to old Danny boy again. She didn't even notice I was crying, for Chrissake. I hated old perfect Danny boy by then for sure. Listen, I think I've always hated old Danny, okay? I felt so damn insecure about everything. I swear old Danny boy was trying to cry louder than I was and I felt pleased about it for some reason. In fact, I dragged a chair from the kitchen table and sat myself down to watch him for a while. He sure was turning on the waterworks for old Ronnie's benefit.