Arranged (9 page)

“Yeah, I just couldn’t find the soap.”

The excuse sounds lame even to me, but Brendan laughs. He moves his arm closer to mine on the armrest, like I should take his open hand. Would a kiss be too weird, now? The movie is wrapping up, a gun fight blazing with bullets and blood and heroic sacrifices. It’s the wrong time. Who am I kidding; if I don’t do it now, I’ll never work up the courage. I touch Brendan’s palm lightly and lean over. His baby blue eyes widen just as I take his lips in mine, trying to fit them together like I remember Lee doing. He smells strongly of sweet cologne. There’s a moment of confusion as Brendan’s mouth parts in surprise, but he realizes what I’m doing quickly and responds, his soft tongue pushing in. While it’s a weird feeling, I don’t mind it, and the way he squeezes my hand feels nice. In a second it’s over and I pull back, and Brendan tries a nervous grin.

“What was that for?” He asks.

I can’t tell him it was a test. I smile and shake my head. “I’m going to go get us a soda refill. Be right back.”

Brendan’s kiss was so nice it leaves me in a daze – until I spot Lee, leaning against a cardboard cutout for a kid’s squirrel movie and texting on his phone. He looks up as I approach, and for a second I see something flash behind his honey-colored eyes. It makes him look unsure. He’s
nervous
.

“So,” He tries to sound casual, but the word is a little too anxious and high. “Was he any good? Did he slobber? God, I hope he slobbered a lot.”

“He was fine,” I fill up the soda cup. Lee snorts, a half-chuckle, half-dismissive cough. I arch a brow at him. “What?”

“You said ‘fine’. That tells me all I need to know.”

“I liked it.” I frown and stare at the floor to avoid looking at his self-satisfied smirk. “He was gentle, and –”

A shadow falls over me and warm, rough hands grab my chin and turn it, Lee’s mouth snagging my lips between his teeth. He bites, soft at first and then hard enough I feel skin break and I let out a whimper, the beginnings of a plea for him to stop, but he pulls away before blood. He kisses the bruise tenderly, like an apology, like it’ll make it better, and kisses the corner of my lips before pulling me flush against him, one hand laced in my hair and the other around my waist.

And that’s when I realize he’s shaking. His whole body is wracked with the slightest shivers, invisible when he’s standing far away but with him against me I can feel every one of them.

“I can’t,” His voice is so low I strain to hear it. “I don’t want to lose you again. These weeks of trying to forget you was torture. It didn’t matter what I did or how many times, I always left unsatisfied. They couldn’t feed me, not the way you do with your smile. Your smell. You don’t even have to touch me and I feel like everything is alright with the world. Just being around you is enough.”

He tightens his hug, my short, uneven breath becoming more ragged as he squeezes me.

“You can choose him. I’ll be okay. Just let me see you sometimes, alright? I don’t think…I don’t think I can leave you alone for good. I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it.”

“Lee –” I gasp.

“I’m sorry!” He lets go and backs up and I gulp air. “Jesus, I didn’t - I’m sorry. Are you okay? God, I’m fucking this up. I’m fucking it up, aren’t I? I’m like a clingy little girl. Shit!”

“N-No,” My breathing returns to a slightly more normal pace. “It’s fine. Really.”

“It’s not fine.” He hides his face in his hands. “I just…like you. A lot. It’s been like this since we were kids. I like you so much it makes me insane. But that’s not good for you. An insane weird guy who hangs on to a childhood crush for a decade is not what you need. Or deserve.” He looks up, a half-hearted smile on his lips. “So maybe it’s better for you if I just stay away. I can transfer again. It’s not a big deal.”

“Lee –”

That anxiousness in his voice makes me so sad. Why didn’t I see it before? He’d been all but spilling his guts in front of me for weeks, now. Every time we met, his playboy exterior kept him from saying what he really felt, but this, right now, is Lee Montenegro - more vulnerable and more honest than ever.

It can’t be a trick. Not when he’s shaking so hard. Not when these words sound so sincere.

I slide my hands around his waist and hug him. Not as hard as he hugged me, but hard enough to feel the lines and definitions of his lean stomach and to hear his heart thudding in his chest.

“I,” I hide my face in his shirt so he can’t see me turning the color of a stoplight. “I like you, too, I think. I like you better than Brendan. Maybe you could just stay. And we could get to know each other more.”

He lets out a slow breath, like he’s relieving some pressure he’d been keeping in for a long time, like the breath was blood from a wound I lanced.

“Even if I annoy you? Make you angry?” He asks.

“You make me laugh, too,” I mumble into his jacket. He smells like fresh night air and leather, no sweet cologne like Brendan. “And being angry isn’t so bad. It’s better than being sad.”

“Are you sad?” He threads his fingers through my hair. “Stop that.”

“I can’t,” I laugh. “It’s life.”

Lee pauses, and pulls away. “Let’s go. I’ll call the lawyers. We can get my dad to be witness – we could be married tonight. That money would be ours in three months. We’ll live with Grace until then. And then we could run away, just you and me, away from the obligations. Away from the sadness.”

“I can’t leave. I have a life here. I have my college degree to think about. Do you know how hard I worked to get into UCLA?”

“You worked so hard you barely had any fun. I know that for a fact.”

“It’s not just about me.” I ball my fists. “Mom and Dad need me. Their business is failing, and without me –”

“They’ll be fine, Rose. They’re adults, grown and old! They can take care of themselves!”

“I have to help them. If I leave them in trouble like this, I’ll never forgive myself. I’m the only one who can help. Even if I did marry you, I’d give all the money to them. I wouldn’t be able to go with you. So have fun running away without me.”

“If you help them, what about your scholarship?”

“How did you know –”

“I have Professor Cruz, too. She was talking about you with another student. If you give the money to your parents, you won’t be able to use it for what you want.”

“It doesn’t matter.” I hang my head. “If I don’t get the money by January I’m kicked out, anyway.”

“But you could use the money to re-enroll.”

“I wouldn’t. I can’t. My parents need it more than I do.”

“And I need you to be happy more than you do!” Lee growls. “It’s not healthy, giving up your dream for someone else’s! Even if they’re your parents.
Especially
if they’re your parents. They’d want you to be happy.”

“I want them to be okay.” I bite my lip. My eyes are swimming with tears, now. My dream of a bakery is already shattered into a million pieces and lying on the theater’s tacky carpet. My dream of graduating, of making all my hard work and loneliness worth it, is shattering more with every word I say. Every time I say “Mom and Dad” my resolve to use the money for myself, my hope that I could somehow use the money for myself, slowly crumbles. I can only see their weary faces - Mom’s crying face, Riley’s worried face, Dad’s wane smile.

Lee’s voice lowers. “Rose, I didn’t mean to – damnit, I’m sorry.” He pulls some napkins from a dispenser and hands them to me. I blow my nose, the honk loud, and he laughs a little at the sound. I glower. He tries a smile.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry. That’s the last thing I want. I guess I just don’t understand, throwing away your freedom for someone else’s. So it frustrates me when I see you doing it.”

“Because you’re a selfish jerk,” My voice is thick with tears and snot.

“Because I’m a selfish jerk,” He agrees. People start filing out of a movie. The crowd makes me remember where we are – in a cheesy, sort-of grimy theater, on a date with a boy I’ll have to kindly dump because I like the smirking moron in front of me more. We step aside for the crowd and lean on the banister, watching them leave.

“I need some time,” I say finally. “To figure out if this marriage is the option I really want to go with.”

“You mean you have other money-making plans up your sleeve I wasn’t aware of?” He nudges me in the ribs playfully.

“It’s not just the money.” I lock eyes with him. “It’s you, too. I’ve never…dated anyone. I’ve never –” Slept with anyone. I don’t say that, skipping over it quickly so he doesn’t pick up on it. “You’re handsome and
seasoned
and a little out of my league, you know?”

“No, I don’t know,” He laughs. “As far as I’m concerned,
you’re
out of
my
league.”

“Shut up,” I mutter, but my blush is hot and obvious. “And marriage just seems so final. My first marriage ever. It should mean something, right? It should be an important decision I take time with, right?”

“If that’s what makes you happy.”

I nod. “I’ll feel better if I have more time to think it over. I don’t know. But it feels like the right thing to do.”

“The right thing to do is come back to my place and let me pin you to the –”

“Shh!” I jab him in the ribs with my elbow. “Just, here. Give me your phone.” He passes it and I input my number in the touch screen. “There. Now you can bug me. Or I can bug you. We can talk more, at least.”

“Rose?” Brendan’s voice comes from behind us. I shove Lee towards the escalator.

“Go!”

Lee kisses the top of my head and takes the escalator steps two at a time, waving before he pushes out the door.

~~~

I tried to let Brendan down as easily as possible – I told him I hadn’t been feeling well and needed to stay close to the bathroom in case I vomited, but I could tell he wasn’t buying the whole story. I promised I’d call him, but I think we both knew that was a lie as we parted on the sidewalk. I didn’t feel like a total jerk, as Brendan said he had fun, and thanked me for sneaking in the peanut brittle. He walked me to my dorm and I thanked him again and pushed inside quickly before he could try to kiss me. I wouldn’t have minded if he did, but I had Lee now. Maybe? What are we - Lee and I? We’d both admitted to liking each other, but the will and the money and the marriage were all complicating factors.

But for now, I can really, truly say I have a boyfriend. Sort of.

The next few days blur by. Lee texts me when I wake up with some dumb smiley faces and a ‘
Sleep well?
’, or ‘
You’d have had a better sleep if I was there!
’. Half of me wants to reply angrily, the other half thinks it’s sweet. He’s the first person, besides family and Jen, to text me. In the halls when we pass, he grabs my arm and pulls me in for a whirlwind of hugs or a kiss pressed up against the wall, and as soon as he initiates, he breaks free and moves to his class, leaving me breathless and sometimes giving me a sarcastic little salute over the heads of the crowd. He has swim practice during dinner, but we sometimes get to eat lunch together. He criticizes the food and I criticize the pastries and he makes fun of the way I eat – slow, tiny bites, and I make fun of the way he eats – inhaling everything messily.

At work, Kory harasses me, demanding to know why I’m smiling every second. I’m not smiling every second, he’s just seeing things. He has to be. I mean, sometimes I notice my cheeks hurt but that can’t be from smiling, can it?

“Something good definitely happened,” Jen says. She sits at a window table in the bistro, sun playing on her red hair as she sips a mocha. Kory nods frantically.

“I keep saying that, but Rose won’t spill! It’s driving me up a fucking wall, you’ve
got
to get her to tell me.”

“Rose never kisses and tells,” Jen winks at me. Does she know? Of course she does – Lee lives with Grace and he isn’t exactly the type of guy to keep secrets. Unless of course, it’s the one secret of how we knew each when we were kids. Then he keeps secrets
too
well.

I sigh and rearrange the tip jar on the counter. I’ve been trying to put the pieces together in my head. I feel so giddy and light all the time, it’s hard to concentrate. Lee said he’d liked me since we were kids. Leonardo was a kid Riley said we used to play with, who played with me a lot. I get so frustrated at my nonexistent memories of Lee during those summers at Grandpa’s. What happened there that was so important? What happened that made Lee like me so much? It couldn’t have been just puppy love – it had to be more for him to hold on to it for this long.

“Hey!” Kory snaps his fingers in front of my eyes to get me to focus. “You’re zoning out! Get with the program, lovebird.”

“Sorry.” I frown. That morning had been especially difficult – I nearly missed Marketing class because I’d dumped my entire underwear drawer on the floor and tried to find something suitable for a future…
encounter
with Lee. A customer comes in and buys a muffin, and when they leave I clear my throat.

“I need your guys’ help.”

Kory and Jen look up, and I feel a blush coming on.

“I want you to help me buy cute underwear.”

Kory claps so hard it looks like his hands will fall off. Jen nods.

“Alright, after you guys close up, let’s head to the mall.”

“Can we get nighties, too? Oh please? Just one pretty little nightdress type thing? Lacy and sweet and –”

“Just underwear,” I insist. Kory deflates.

“Fine! But if I see a nightie I like, I’m buying it for me!”

Jen and I shoot each other a look and laugh. The bell over the door rings and another customer comes in, a familiar blonde one. Brendan. My blush turns to one of shame as he orders an Americano from Kory. He smiles at me.

“Hey Rose.”

“Hi,” There’s a horrible, awkward quiet. “Look, I’m really sorry about the other week –”

“Say no more.” Brendan holds up a hand. “Seriously. I had a great time and I understand completely if you don’t want to hang out again. I’m just glad we had fun once. That’s all life is, you know? Having fun while we can.”

“Yeah.” I try to mimic his bright grin. He takes his Americano and hands me a ten.