Begin to Begin (2 page)

"Well, at least it won't get much colder than this. I take it you are here to see Charles. I'll go round him up for you."

I simply nod my response. There isn't anything to say; everyone knows why I'm here. I walk over to the lone bench that sits across from the desk and take in the pictures of all the police who have been killed in the line of duty. Some of them look so young. Their lives were just getting started.

It's so unfair.

"Marin, you're here early today." I turn to see Detective Merritt, hands in his pockets, standing behind me.

"Detective. You know why I'm here."

He nods. "Yes, follow me. Let's talk in my office."

We make our way through the maze of desks. Most are empty. That means people are working; or at least, that is what I hope it means.

I follow him into his tiny closet of an office. He shuts the door and takes his seat behind his desk as I sit across from him in the mustard-yellow, plastic chair. "Would you like some coffee or maybe some tea?

"No, thank you, Detective." I clutch my purse closer to my chest.

Being here never gets easier.

Asking for answers never gets better.

I know that even when they give me the answer that I'm looking for, it won't change anything. Benji is gone. He will never be back. He will never be my husband or the father of my children.

"Well, I really don't have anything new to tell you. We have been following up on a few more leads—"

"Really? If there is nothing new, just tell me. But don't lie to me and tell me that you are following up on non-existent leads. I can't take it. It's not fair to me, it's not fair to Benji's family, and it sure as hell isn't fair to my dead fiancé."

"It's not a lie, Marin. I promise. I would never lie to you. But, unfortunately, most have been dead ends. We are still looking into a few things, and the minute I know anything new, you know I will be calling you." He looks at me, twirling his pen around in his hand, and I can see the pity in his eyes. He knows I'm a pitiful woman.

I haven't even made and effort to try and move on. I don't think I ever will, though. At least, not anytime soon. Even after Benji's killer is caught, I will spend the rest of my life mourning the life that he and I should have had together.

"We really are trying to find who did this. Benji's case has been at the top of our caseload since that night, and it will stay there until the person that did this is caught."

I nod my response and wipe the stray tear from my cheek. "OK, thank you, Detective Merritt. I'm sorry I raised my voice at you." He smiles sadly and nods. I slowly make my way to the door and say over my shoulder, "I will be back to check in soon."

"You know, you could just call, you don't need to drive down here. You don't need to be in this police station as much as you are. Surround yourself with happiness and colorful things. Not this sad, dreary place."

Detective Merritt is a sweet man. Most likely in his late fifties or early sixties. I can't help the small grin that breaks out across my face.

"But if I called, then I wouldn't be able to see your smiling face." I turn and walk out his office door and hear a chorus of “goodbye, Marin” and “see you soon” from around the room. Waving, I make my way outside and back to my car. I need to get back to the bookstore. Joey, Benji's baby brother, should be there by now. He's such a sweet guy and has really stepped in to help me out since Benji's death. He's a year younger than Benji and has a job as a loan officer for a local mortgage broker, but every morning he is in the shop making coffee, checking all the shelves for anything that made its way from its proper place, and fixing it. He is usually only there for an hour or two, but it's a huge help. I honestly don't know what I would do without him. He has been a huge support system for me, but so has the rest of Benji’s and my family. And Amelia, of course.

Just as she crosses my mind, my phone dings in my jacket pocket.

Amelia: Hey Babe. I am assuming you are on your way to the store from the station. Just wanted to say that I love you and if you learned anything new today to give me a call. XoXo

There is no need to respond. She knows this is my ritual. After parking my car behind the building, I walk around the front and go in the front door. I never use the back door. It's weird for me to walk into a bookstore through the back. Even though it's
my
bookstore.

I still love the view of all the books on all the shelves and tables as I walk in.

"Hey. Good morning, Marin. How did it go?" Joey asks from the coffee station. He really does make the best coffee. Who knows how many customers I would lose if I started making it on my own since I know mine is terrible.

"Eh, nothing new. They say there are leads they are following up on. But we've heard that a million times, and nothing ever comes of it." I plop down on one of the big comfy chairs in the middle of the store. We still have about thirty minutes before we open.

"Yeah, I've pretty much given up on anything the police have to say. I don't blame them or anything, but, I feel like we are always getting the run around," Joey says, his back still to me.

"I'll never give up, Joey … Ever. If it's the last thing I do, I'll make sure that this person is caught. I refuse to believe that no one knows anything."

Joey walks over and sits on the arm of my chair. "Benji was the luckiest guy in the world, you know?" He grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. "You have always had his back. He's still lucky to have you."

"Thanks, Joe. But, it's what I need to do. Even though I never walked down that damn aisle, I'm his wife. Maybe not legally but in my heart, and he would be doing the same thing if the tables were turned. If I was the one—"

"I know he would. In a heartbeat. He wouldn't rest one minute of any day until the person was caught." He lets out a loud sigh. "I gotta get to work."

"OK, bud. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Of course. You know you don't have to ask." He gathers his keys from behind the counter before saying, "Gwenn called. She will be about ten minutes late. There's an accident on the expressway."

Once Joey is gone, I make myself get up from my chair. I look around the store that was always my dream. We opened about six months before the shooting. Benji always knew books were my passion and since he was a kick ass commercial real estate broker, he was able to find the perfect place for my dreams to take flight. I will never let this place go—it's one of the last things I have that tie me to him.

I finish up the last couple of minutes before we open counting the register. Everything seems to be in order. Usually Gwenn is here by now and she opens the door and works the register for the majority of the morning while I do any necessary paperwork in the back office. Invoicing, inventory, ordering, and payroll, of course. In addition to Gwenn, I have one other employee, Cole. I really should hire a couple part-time people so I can give everyone a break, including myself.

Walking back to the front door, I flip the sign around and unlock the door.

As I settle into my seat behind the desk, the front door opens and Edie, my morning regular, walks in.

"Good morning, Miss Marin. You look lovely today. How have you been?" she asks with a beaming smile on her face. Edie was one of my first customers to step foot into Chapter Fifteen and she stops in every morning now, mostly for the coffee. She still buys books on occasion, but I think she enjoys the company more than anything. And since the shooting we have grown to have something in common; she considers me a widow like her now. Her husband, John, died from colon Cancer three years ago but that doesn't stop her from being the sweetest person I have met, and I don't think I have ever seen her without a smile on her face. I don't know how she does it. Maybe after several years pass I will gain some kind of light back in my life.

"Good morning, Edie. Coffee is ready back on the coffee bar. Help yourself." She gives me a little wave as she heads back to fill up her coffee cup. I don't know how she wakes up every day and plasters a smile on her face. It physically hurts for me to even paste on the fake smile I have to at times, and it feels wrong. Benji is gone, so why should I be happy?

She rounds the corner and comes back with her coffee in hand and a newspaper. Taking a seat across from the check-out counter, she smiles over at me.

"Where is Gwenn today?"

"She will be here soon, I hope. I guess there was an accident on the expressway so she's running a bit late."

"Ah, yes ... I did hear about that accident." She smooths her lavender skirt and smiles brightly at me. "So how have you been, Marin? I know what today is, so is there anything new from the police?"

Shaking my head while I busy myself organizing the pens on the desk, I answer, her "Of course not. I am starting to wonder why I even bother anymore. It's always the same thing. A few new leads but nothing new to report."

Edie places her coffee on the end table and stands and walks toward me as I wipe the tears from my eyes. "Marin, sweetheart, they will find who did this. I have faith that they will. But you need to start living for you again." She grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. "I never had the honor of meeting Benjamin, but I know he would want you to be happy, to live your life, and not dwell on his death."

"Once the person is caught that did this, maybe then I can stop dwelling, but I doubt it."

"Well, I hope that's the case," she says and gives my hand one more squeeze. She walks back over to her seat and picks her coffee back up before taking a long drink. "Joey makes the best coffee."

She compliments Joey's coffee making skills every morning, and sometimes he's still here to receive the compliments. Turning to organize a few stray invoices, I hear the bell above the door ring. Edie greets Gwenn before I get a chance to.

"Good morning, Gwenn."

Gwenn glances over at me. "Good morning, Edie. Marin, I'm so sorry. There was an accident—"

I cut her off, "It's OK. I talked to Joey this morning and he filled me in. No biggie. Things like that happen, unfortunately."

"You look pretty today, Marin. Not that you don't always look pretty, but extra pretty today," she says as she fluffs her long blonde curls and then applies some lip gloss.

Gwenn is a couple years younger than me and is a Hollywood beauty. Not literally—she could be one if she really wanted to, but her joy is reading and literature. She is an English literature major in her senior year of college CFU and is leaving in about a month and a half to pursue her Master’s in it as well. The only problem is it's in NYU, of all places.

I'm going to miss her like crazy when she goes. Not only does she know her stuff when it comes to all things books but she makes me laugh at least once a day. Men come into the store for the sole reason of trying to pick her up and she puts on her dumb blonde cashier mask for them at first and then WHAM! She hits them with her smarts and they all leave without a date and a little bit dazed.

"Says the girl with the supermodel looks." I grin and roll my eyes. "But thanks. I went to the police station today."

Gwenn rushes to my side. "Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I totally forgot what today is. I'm so damn stupid."

"It's OK, Gwenn. It's no different than last month, or the month before, or every other damn month before that." Irritated—with myself more than anything—I gather up a notebook, pen, and sticky notes. "I'll be in the office for a bit if you need me." I give her a peck on her cheek and walk over and give Edie a hug; she gives me an extra squeeze.

They don't argue with my retreat to the office. By now, they are used to it.

******

At around lunch time, I decide to make an appearance back out into the store. I notice there are a couple people browsing the stacks, and it makes me smile. I can't help but love that there are people out there that share my love of books. It's not hard to tell the difference between a book lover and someone looking for a book for a certain reason: gift, research, or just to try to get into reading.

The real book lovers come in with a smile and leave with a smile. I catch them occasionally smelling the books, which Cole thinks is weird but Gwenn and I totally get. They rub their hands down the spines of them and caress them and care for them.

Glancing over, I see Gwenn ringing someone up and bagging their purchase with a smile. It really is going to be hard replacing her. Looking over, she makes eye contact with me and makes a silly face, sticking her tongue out. She always tries to make me laugh. I check on the coffee bar and make sure everything is fully stocked there and then check the cooler that holds several sodas, juices, and water.

Plopping down on the stool beside Gwenn, I let out a short sigh. "Everything going good out here today?"

"Yeah," she answers after restocking the bags under the counter. "Kind of a slow day, though."

"Hmm … Wonder if there is something else going on in town?"

The bell rings and an older gentleman walks in and waves at us and then turns toward the history section.

"So the girls and I are going out tonight, just to blow off some steam and vent about everything shitty in our lives. You should go with us." She knows I won't go. She has asked me this almost every weekend since about a month after Benji's death.

I look over at her and roll my eyes. "And what exactly is shitty in your life, Gwenn? Can't be your job because I know for a fact that you have the most kick ass boss on the planet." She laughs and gives me a nudge.

"I usually listen to everyone else. It's my weekly dose of drama hanging out with those girls." We both laugh because it's true. No one can bring the drama quite like Cindy, Brooke, and Talia. They go to school with Gwenn and met in the same dorm their freshman year. I am an unofficial sidekick but not quite "one of the girls", either. They welcome me on their outings but never invite me unless Gwenn is there. I've made a few Sunday afternoon shopping trips with them but never an actual night out.

"I can't anyway tonight. But thanks for inviting me. Amelia is coming over for dinner, and Joey might pop in too." I take a quick drink out of my bottle of water I swiped from the cooler.