Believe Like a Child (4 page)

Rhonda detected that Carl was being unusually attentive to her friend and figured they had had a fight earlier. Or perhaps, Alessa had found out that he was getting blow jobs from some of the other girls at school. She had no idea, of course, that he had been cheating. Technically speaking, they weren’t in an exclusive relationship; nor had they said as much to each other.

When the three of them reached Alessa’s house, Carl turned to her and kissed her on the cheek. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, fine,” she answered.

Once he had left, Rhonda asked, “How about if I sleep over at your house tonight? Do you think your mom would mind?”

Comforted by the thought of her friend staying with her, Alessa replied, “I’m sure she wouldn’t. Let’s go and ask her.”

Rhonda followed her friend into the house. Caterina was perched on her usual sofa in the living room, watching television. Alessa’s father was in a recliner on the left and Uncle Danny overwhelmed his recliner on the right. Both men were smoking big fat cigars and Rhonda cringed at the pungent smell and cloudiness of the smoke filled room.

Caterina said, “Well, you’re home early. What happened?”

“Nothing happened,” Alessa replied. “Rhonda and I were just tired. Would it be okay if she slept over tonight?” Her tone was pleading.

Caterina turned her head away. Alessa knew she didn’t like her to have friends sleep over; she had enough mouths to feed already. Her mother now said, “I guess it’s okay if Rhonda’s mom says she can.”

Quickly, Alessa guided her friend through the smoked-filled room and into the kitchen, from where Rhonda could call her mother. As she passed Uncle Danny, she could see his jaws tighten with rage. For an instant, she wanted to curl her fingers into a fist and punch him in the face so that his hated features were obliterated forever into a soggy mass of flesh. He knew tonight was going to be a sexless one for him and the thought was obviously pissing him off.

Chapter Five

O
ut of earshot in Alessa’s bedroom, Rhonda turned to her.

“What happened tonight?” she inquired. “Did you and Carl have a fight?”

Alessa explained how the boy had forced himself on her while making out.

Rhonda was incredulous. “What a piece of shit!” she exclaimed angrily. “He’s going to be real sorry he did that to you!”

“It’s okay, Rhonda,” Alessa replied. “I don’t really care about the sex part. I’m just worried about getting pregnant. He didn’t use a rubber.”

For some odd reason, she felt the need to defend Carl. Rhonda calmed down a bit, once she had understood what was upsetting Alessa. But she was still intent on warning Carl that if he ever forced himself on her friend again, she would kill him. And it was time she confronted him about the blow jobs he was also getting from other girls at school.

Rhonda managed to alleviate Alessa’s worries about being pregnant, assuring her that it wasn’t a big deal. Even if the worst happened, she could always get an abortion. Carl would have to pay for it, of course. Alessa managed to put the evening’s events, along with Carl and Uncle Danny, away in her mind for the time being and just focused on enjoying Rhonda’s company.

They were listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd on Alessa’s radio when Rhonda remarked, “Your Uncle Danny is kind of creepy. Whenever I’m around, he looks at me weird. I noticed he always has this mean expression when he is looking at you. What’s up with him?”

“He’s just a miserable prick,” Alessa blurted out, with more anger in her voice than she had intended to reveal. “I ignore him and you should too. I don’t really give a fuck what he thinks. My family is just plain fucked up.”

Rhonda laughed as she thought about her own family—her mother. Zoe was a good person and Rhonda loved her very much. But she did have some peculiarities too, starting with all the men she brought home. That, of course, was how Rhonda had sexually matured way ahead of her time and become promiscuous as a young teenager. Zoe was very open about sex and her daughter had never felt uncomfortable about being sexually active. She knew about birth control, abortions, adoptions and all the other things that women far older than her were usually aware of. Rhonda had never needed to worry about getting pregnant, because she had been on the pill since she had started her period at the age of twelve. Of course, Zoe had advised her not to tell the boys she was on the pill; that was the only way she could convince them to use a rubber.

“After all,” Rhonda’s mother explained, “the pill may prevent pregnancy, but it doesn’t prevent disease.”

Alessa was aware that her friend’s knowledge and experience of sex went far beyond her fourteen years. She envied Rhonda for having a mother who cared enough about her daughter to teach her things she needed to know. Even if the “things” involved methods of having protected sex.

On Sunday night, Alessa was lying in bed trying to sleep, when she heard Uncle Danny creep into her bedroom. This man, she thought, was someone she had adored before he began abusing her seven years ago. Now he was the most despicable creature in the world, where she was concerned. He slipped under her covers and began undressing her with his large, rough hands. As he licked at her breasts, which were small for a fourteen-year-old’s, the sweat from his forehead dripped onto her chest, making her skin crawl. The unpleasant sensation paled in comparison, however, to the feeling of rug burn that her young skin suffered as his fat belly rubbed against it when he climbed on top of her and began thrusting his penis inside her. She stared up at the ceiling, mentally trying to escape this hell, until he collapsed on her like a dead whale. Everything about him repulsed her—his look, his smell, his touch. Just the fact that he breathed at all enraged her.

“You know,” Alessa ventured, “I think we need to stop this. I could get pregnant. How would I explain that to Mom?”

Uncle Danny sat up on the edge of the small bed. “You will never need to explain anything, because I’m sterile. So if you ever get pregnant, it certainly won’t be by me. You think I’m stupid or something? I know what you’re trying to do. You’re looking for a reason to break this thing off. Well, listen good: you will always belong to me, until you move out of here or I die, whichever comes first. If you tell your mother about us, she will never believe you anyway. I’m her brother. She will always believe me over you. And if you try any tricks, I will deny everything. Don’t start any shit with me. I have been good to you all your life. I have bought you things and paid for stuff you needed. If it weren’t for me, your mom and dad would have lost this house. You’re an ungrateful little bitch!”

With that, he rose to his big cinderblock feet and thumped out of the bedroom. Alessa lay there and thought to herself:
what the hell does “sterile” mean?
She would ask Rhonda at school.

“Hey Rhonda,” she called out, when she saw her friend the next morning.

“Hey Alessa, what’s going on?”

“Nothing’s going on. Just another stupid Monday. I hate Mondays.”

Rhonda moved up close to prevent anyone passing by from overhearing what she had to say. “When is your period due?” she asked. “You will want to keep an eye on the date, because they won’t do abortions after you’ve been pregnant for a while.
If
you are pregnant, which I doubt.”

“It’s due in a week. By the way, do you know what it means when a man is sterile?” Alessa asked.

“Yeah, it means they can’t get women pregnant, because their fish are dead,” Rhonda giggled.

“Their fish are dead? What does
that
mean?”

“Their sperm doesn’t have whatever it takes to get a girl pregnant. Why? Who is sterile?” Rhonda asked, barely suppressing curiosity.

“No one we know,” Alessa quickly replied. “I heard my parents talking about one of their friends last night and they said he was sterile and I just figured you would know what that meant.” This answer put a halt to their conversation.

As Alessa left Rhonda to rush to her first-period class, she thought to herself:
so the fucking bastard can’t get me pregnant? That’s why he never wears rubbers or even cares if I get my period. Motherfucker!
She knew she would just have to wait until next week to see if she got her period. If she didn’t, she would take care of it. For now, she would try to put it out of her mind and avoid Carl at all costs. She didn’t feel like seeing him again. She was annoyed with him and his lack of self-control. Even though he had been nice to her afterward, she couldn’t risk it happening again. Besides, she had wanted it to be special; he had taken even that away from her. Hell, she hadn’t even had an orgasm with him yet!

A week later, Alessa got her period and squealed with delight when she saw Rhonda in the cafeteria at lunch. The two girls hugged and Rhonda told her she would give her a couple of condoms, just in case she decided she wanted to do it with Carl again. Alessa agreed that it was a good idea to have condoms, but silently doubted that she would be using them with Carl. In fact, since the last time with him, she had lost all desire to see him. She neither missed him nor wanted to be around him. It was as if her feelings for him had been shut off in an instant, like water from a spigot.

Alessa kept Carl at a distance for the next week. Finally, he approached her at school and asked, “What’s going on? Are you avoiding me? I said I was sorry. What the hell do you want from me?”

“Nothing. I have been busy lately. That’s all,” Alessa lied.

They stood in the hallway next to her school locker, looking at one another awkwardly. Both of them knew their fling was over. Carl was relieved. He liked being with whomever he wanted and not having to sneak around in case Alessa found out. Alessa herself had no feelings at all about the matter. She just wanted to be free of him. Carl had gone too far and she thought he was weak and selfish. After all, she hadn’t been a prude; they had been enjoying themselves until Mr. Can’t-Hold-Back-Any-Longer had lost control and gone ahead to satisfy his own desire.

Unable to handle the tension between them another second, Carl said, “Well, I guess I’ll see you later.”

As she watched him walk away, a feeling of peace settled over Alessa. She was not confrontational; nor was she used to telling people what she thought of them. Not even those who hurt her. She was raised to silently accept whatever shit people chose to dish out to her.

She saw Rhonda in the cafeteria and told her about what had happened with Carl.

Rhonda listened intently. Then she said, “Whatever, fuck him! You don’t need him anyway. Besides, it sounds like you’re glad that you two aren’t dating anymore. On to bigger and better. Did I say ‘bigger’?” Rhonda giggled.

The two girls fell into conversation after that and discussed what the upcoming weekend would bring. Alessa found her friend’s presence immensely comforting. Rhonda always seemed to understand her and knew what would be the right thing to say in a given situation. In Rhonda, Alessa had found a piece of her own self that was missing—a wise, but wild soul, with the courage to soar to heights beyond anyone’s imagination. Rhonda wasn’t fearful of anything or anyone. Alessa wanted so much to be like her, to have her confidence and her ability to stay grounded. Most of all, she longed for the strength she admired in her friend.

When Friday night came, Rhonda and Alessa headed down to the Rope for a keg party. The party was already in full swing by the time they got there. The guys were tapping the keg. The girls were all huddled together like a pack of morons, Alessa thought. These girls were so ridiculous. They sat around, drinking beer and gossiping about everyone. Every now and then, they would make out with one of the guys for ten minutes so they could run back to their circle and tell the rest of the drones whether or not the boy was a good kisser.

As Rhonda and Alessa were filling their first beer, they saw Carl approaching from one of the paths to the Rope. It was dark by then and they could make out that he was walking with someone. When they reached the opening, Rhonda and Alessa recognized Carl’s companion; it was Denise.
Oh God,
Alessa thought to herself,
the last thing I need is Carl turning Denise against me.

Denise seemed different that night. She was quieter than usual. And then Alessa saw that Carl was holding her hand. Having noticed Alessa staring at the two of them, Denise smirked at her, as if to say, “Fuck you!”

Rhonda was oblivious to what was going on. She was drinking her second beer already and the boys were flocking to her like flies to shit. Alessa wandered into the woods to pee, but just as she found her spot, she heard footsteps coming down the path behind her. She paused and saw Denise approaching. As Denise drew closer and sensed Alessa’s fear, her face brightened with gleeful malice. Denise liked the girls to be scared of her; it was the only power she could exercise over her limited, pathetic existence.

She now walked up and stood so close to Alessa that she actually caught a whiff of Carl’s musky cologne. It was a sweet, masculine aroma that made her gut twist in knots. Suddenly, she felt on edge.

Denise broke the silence. “Listen, bitch,” she said. “Carl asked me out and we’re together now. If I ever find out that you’re with him again, I will kill you. I had told you before that you were a slut; someone like Carl isn’t going to stay hooked up with a slut.”

With one quick motion, she poked her fingers into Alessa’s sternum, causing her to stumble backward.

It was clear that Denise drew energy off Alessa’s fear. It made her swell with delusions of power. She stepped closer and asked, “You got a problem with that, don’t you? You wish you could kick my ass, don’t you? I know you want to hit me. So go ahead, do it.”

“No Denise, I don’t want to hit you,” Alessa replied. “I hope that you and Carl are happy together. Really.”

Denise looked at her, inched closer and punched her in the stomach. Alessa doubled over in pain and tried to catch her breath.

“You’re so fucking pathetic!” Denise declared. “Little Miss Innocent, living in her perfect little world!”

With that, she slapped Alessa across the face, turned on her heel and yelled, “Later!” as she walked back down the trail to the Rope.

Alessa gathered herself and finished peeing, before she returned to the Rope. All she could think about was the “perfect little world” Denise had referred to. She realized that she had become so skillful at hiding the truth about her life that others thought it was perfect. Alessa’s stomach was sore and her face was still stinging from Denise’s slap.