Between The Sheets (35 page)

She laughed softly. 'For me it was my English teacher, but it was a guy.'

'And that's why you were the princess. You loved writing stories. You were pretty and clever. And, most important, you were straight. You were perfect in every way.'

'Why didn't you tell me?' she said reproachfully. 'You must have known that it wouldn't have mattered.'

Ed moved over to sit next to her. 'Bless you, but it wasn't that straightforward. Dad made me feel dirty and ashamed. I thought that everyone would think the way he did. The revulsion in his eyes when he looked at me hurt so much, I couldn't have borne it if you'd looked at me the same way.'

'You know I wouldn't have done that,' Dana ex-claimed. 'What happened the day you left?'

He sighed. 'I had been sitting at the kitchen table doing my Latin homework and Mum was cooking. He came in and looked over my shoulder, and saw that I'd doodled on the side of the page. He went mad. You know what he was like: didn't I know the price of text books? Had I no respect for anything?' Ed rolled his eyes. 'Anyway he took it up in his hands and started to leaf through it, and a piece of paper fell out. It was a sweet, innocent little love note from a boy in my class. Dad went ballistic, calling me all of the names under the sun. Then he started on Mother, saying it was her fault that I was the way I was. She'd turned me into a nancy-boy, kept me too close to her when I should have been out riding my bike or playing Gaelic football.' Ed's expression glazed over as he remembered. 'He was only inches from her, screaming into her face. I could see his spittle on her cheek.' He shrugged. 'That was it. I flipped. I don't remember consciously thinking about what I was doing, I just grabbed the knife and, well, you witnessed the rest.'

'I wish I'd known,' Dana said sadly. 'I could have helped you. At least you would have had someone to talk to.'

'You were fourteen, Dana, and such a little innocent. How could I have explained to you that your only brother was a pervert?'

'Will you stop using that word?' she cried.

'Sorry, it's his word, not mine. And I grew to believe it. I was nearly twenty before I finally allowed myself to look at men romantically. And when I did, I always went for the wrong type.'

'But you told me that there had been someone special,' she said, remembering their conversation the day they went to see Ashling and her baby.

Ed's smile was sad. 'I met a lovely guy soon after Dad died. But I was completely screwed up and not ready for a serious relationship. I kept pushing him away. Finally he left.'

'Oh, Ed.'

He smiled. 'I'm okay, Dana. Especially now I've got you.'

She sighed. 'It makes sense now, why you left. But I can't begin to understand how you could forgive him. I saw the two of you arriving at the funeral home together and you were so close. Then I watched you the next day, the perfect son, his aide, his spokesman.' Tears filled her eyes and her voice shook. 'I thought I'd lost my mind. That I had imagined the horrible way he'd treated you. I have to tell you, Ed, that day I hated you nearly as much as I hated him.'

'There are things you don't know.' Ed looked into her eyes.

'There can't possibly be more,' she said with a nervous laugh. But her smile faded as she saw his solemn expression. 'My God, there is, isn't there?'

Ed stood up. 'I'll get us more drinks.'

'I don't want a bloody drink,' she cried.

'Well, I do,' he retorted and left the room.

When he returned, Dana watched him with anxious eyes as he poured the wine and sat back in his chair.

He sat in silence for a moment and then looked up into her eyes. 'Mum was still alive when I came home.' Dana opened her mouth but he held up his hand. 'Let me explain, okay?'

She nodded silently.

'All the time that I was away, I kept in touch with my old school friend, Keith. I suppose I was always afraid that one day Dad might actually hurt Mum. Keith always had a contact number for me, and he promised to call if he was ever concerned. At the beginning everything seemed to work exactly as I had hoped. He saw you coming and going to school and Father going out for his walks. Later, after you left, his mother met ours at the shops and reported that she was quiet but seemed fine. Then a few days before Mum died, Keith phoned me to say that his mum hadn't seen her for a while. She'd asked around and soon realized that it had been weeks since Mum had been seen out. That scared me so I decided I had to come home.'

Dana was on the edge of her seat now, watching him anxiously.

He sighed. 'My instincts were right but not in the way I'd imagined. Dad hadn't hurt Mum. She was sick, Dana.'

'What was wrong?' Dana whispered.

'They weren't sure. She was due to go in for tests the following week. But she had a bad cough, shortness of breath and some chest pain. The GP suspected heart problems.'

Dana shook her head. 'But she fell down the stairs.'

'I'm not finished,' he said. 'I asked Dad if he had contacted you, but he said he was waiting for the results of the tests. Mum didn't want him to worry you. I didn't talk much with him at all other than that. I sat with Mum and he left us alone. She wasn't well. Her breathing was quite laboured and she looked frail. I told her all the things I'd done, the places I'd been. She seemed happy I was there. She drifted in and out of sleep and sometimes seemed disorientated when she woke. At one point, I'm not sure she even knew who I was.'

Dana's heart went out to him as his eyes filled up. 'She hadn't seen you for over three years and if she wasn't well...'

He nodded. 'I know. So I asked her about you — where you were, what you were doing. She started to cry and said that Father had sent you away. I couldn't make much sense of what she said at first, but then she became quite lucid. She told me about your abortion.'

Dana opened her mouth to say something, but found she couldn't. 'I didn't think you knew,' she finally whispered.

'Keith didn't know anything about it. Dad kept it very quiet. But, then, he was good at that.' Ed looked at his sister. 'I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Dana. I'm so sorry I wasn't here to help.'

'Was Mum ashamed of me?' Dana asked, her voice shaking.

'No! No, she was just heartbroken for you, and furious with Dad. She said he was more worried about his image, and what people would say, than what his daughter was going through. She told me how he sent you away to that boarding school and found ways to stop you coming home in the holidays. She felt guilty that she'd let him send you away, but at the same time she'd known you might be better off.'

'I missed her so much.' Dana started to cry, great big heaving sobs. 'She was the only reason I hadn't thrown myself under a train.'

'Dana!'

'It's true. I thought I'd go out of my mind when I came home from London. Putting one foot in front of the other was such an effort. She was my only reason to live. And then he sent me away. I often thought about ending it all. Then I'd think of her and I knew I couldn't.'

Dana had to stop, her tears choking her. After her sobs had subsided, Ed handed her a tissue. 'Are you okay?'

'Yeah.'

'She loved you so much, Dana. She told me about the few weeks you had together in Dublin. She enjoyed every minute of that.'

Dana smiled through her tears. 'That was just before I started university. She spent a fortune on me. I said Dad would go mad but she didn't care. It was a very special time. It really made me realize — made us both realize — how little time we'd ever had alone together.'

'That's sad.'

She nodded, unable to speak.

He looked down into her face. 'Will you tell me about what happened in London?'

'Later. But I want you to finish your story first.'

He hesitated. 'I'm afraid that by the time I've finished, you'll never want to talk to me again.'

Dana stared at him, wiping her tears away with her hand. 'You have to tell me, Ed.'

'Okay then. Mum fell asleep again and I went to find Dad. I was furious, really angry. It was like that moment in the kitchen all over again. I couldn't believe that he'd even managed to hurt you, his princess. He was in the hall talking on the phone to Father Flynn when I found him. He was arranging for Mum to receive the Sacrament of the Sick. I knew she wouldn't want that and I took the phone out of his hand, and told the priest his services would not be required.'

Dana stared at him, her eyes wide with shock. 'You didn't!'

'I did! Dad was livid. He started to hurl abuse at me — it felt just like old times. I told him he was a hypocritical, evil and pathetic old man. I told him he'd managed to hurt every member of his family, even you.' Ed shook his head. 'He went berserk.'

'So what happened then?' Dana prompted when Ed stopped.

He stared into space. 'We kept roaring and shouting at each other and the next thing I knew, Mum was at the top of the stairs, screaming at us to stop. Father told her to shut up and stay out of it. And -' he swallowed and looked at Dana — 'I hit him. It was like everything happened in slow motion after that. Father fell back against the wall and Mum screamed and stepped forward. Then she was falling down the stairs. I rushed forward to catch her, but I was too late. I turned her over and I knew, instantly, that she was dead.'

'Oh my God,' Dana gasped and put her hand to her mouth.

'So you see, Dana. I killed her.'

'No!' She shook her head. 'It was an accident.'

'If I hadn't been there, it wouldn't have happened,'

Ed insisted. 'If I hadn't antagonized him, she wouldn't have come to the top of the stairs.'

'If, if, if ...' Dana shook her head impatiently. 'It was an accident.' Dana poured him more wine and pressed the glass into his hand. 'Have a drink.'

He did, and she filled her own glass and drank. 'What happened then?'

'It was like Father went on to automatic pilot. He called an ambulance, although he knew as well as I did that it was too late. And he called the priest, of course. I was a mess at this stage and he dragged me into his study and sat me down. He told me to tell anyone who asked that we were in the kitchen when we heard Mum cry out. That we rushed out to find her at the bottom of the stairs, dead. I said no, we should tell the truth. Dad said if
he
told the truth, I'd end up in jail. He said it was my fault and that if I had any decent bone in my body I'd go along with his story for Mum's sake. He said this was my opportunity to do the right thing. To make up for all the hurt I'd caused both him and my mother over the years. And he asked me what I thought it would do to you if you learned that your brother killed your mother.'

'My God, he was manipulating you even then,' Dana fumed. 'You didn't kill her, Ed! Please tell me you know that?'

He smiled slightly. 'Most days I do. But then I was a mess, Dana. I was shaking, I couldn't string two words together. I didn't know what to do or what to think. So, God help me, I did and said exactly what Dad told me to.'

They sat in silence for a while, both engrossed in their own private thoughts until finally Dana asked him the question that she had wanted to ask since the first day he'd got here. 'Why didn't you follow me to Dublin?' she asked, her voice trembling. 'Or, at least, pick up the phone?'

He sighed. 'I was in a terrible state, Dana. I did what he asked: helped with the arrangements, talked to the neighbours, acted like the perfect son. He said it was about time I did. He told me I had to be a man, and keep a grip on my emotions until the funeral was over. He said if I didn't, I might let something slip and I'd end up in a cell. And once the funeral was all over, he told me to get out and never come back.'

'And I thought you had reconciled and put the past behind you.' Dana shook her head.

'I had to let you think that. If you realized I still hated him, you'd have talked to me and I knew I'd have ended up telling you everything. Dad had convinced me that you'd be devastated if you knew what I'd done.' He shrugged. 'So I did what he told me to do. And I hoped maybe you would find comfort in the fact that Dad and I had managed to bury the past.'

She shot him an incredulous look. 'I would only find comfort if you managed to bury him!'

'I did that too,' he reminded her. 'Eventually.'

'So why did you go back?'

'Father Flynn had taken me aside at Mum's funeral to tell me that Dad was sick too. I talked to the doctor and he confirmed that Father had prostate cancer and was refusing treatment. So I gave Father Flynn my phone number and asked him to let me know when Dad was near the end. I felt, rightly or wrongly, Mum would want one of us to be with him. Despite everything, I do believe she loved him.'

Dana nodded in agreement. 'Yes. It didn't seem to matter what he did, she wouldn't leave.'

'Oh, it mattered all right,' Ed retorted. 'But she was his wife and had promised to stay with him no matter what. And that's what she did.'

There was another lengthy silence and then Dana spoke again. 'You said you asked Father Flynn to call you when Dad got sick. But you weren't with him when he died — were you?'

Ed went over to the window and stared out into the darkness.

'No. I was with him a few days earlier. I meant to go back but he went quicker than we'd expected.' He turned to look at her. 'Why didn't you come to the funeral?'

'I couldn't go and pretend a grief I didn't feel. To be honest, I didn't trust myself not to dance on his grave.'

'I was going to come and see you then,' he admitted.

Dana sat forward on her chair, her eyes searching his face. 'Why didn't you?'

He shrugged. 'I still felt so guilty about Mum. I didn't think I'd be able to look you in the eye without blurting out the truth. And I didn't want to do that. You'd had enough pain in your life. And, by then, you were a published author.' He smiled. 'You'd become Dana De Lacey. Nice touch, by the way. Mum would be so proud that you'd taken her name.'

'I certainly couldn't use his.' Dana shivered. 'Oh, Ed. We've wasted so much time.'

'I know. If it wasn't for Gus, we might never have found each other again.'