BLAMELESS: MC Biker Romance (Black Thorns, #3) (24 page)

“Cuz he ain’t a motherfucking psycho,” I snarl at him.

I thrust my hand up, grinding the shards into his face.

He screams as they rip into his skin, his mouth, his nose, his eyes. I dive forward and scramble for the gun. Slamming the side of my hand down, I deliver a brutal chop to his wrist. His grip loosens and I wrench the gun from his grip.

I spin and take aim as he tries to get himself under control.

“Truth now, Jase. You set me on a path I ain’t never gonna escape.
Twice
! Fucking haunts me. Spent twenty years fighting every goddamn day to stay clean and then you come along and screw it all up, shooting me up with shit, you sadistic fuck. I ain’t
never
gonna forgive you.”

He looks up at me and shakes his head. He’s trembling.

“No, Zeb. Please. I’m your brother.”

“You got no clue what a
brother
is. You ain’t never been mine.”

I pull the trigger.

I don’t look away as I watch the bullet drive into his skull, killing him instantly. His body hits the ground with a bone-chilling thud.

One last sin for the road.

Chapter 26

~Runner~

I stand on the bridge, staring down at the underpass. This sure ain’t how I pictured none of this.

This ain’t how I pictured my death. And guys like me, we find ourselves doing that a lot. Especially when the club weren’t legit. It were much more dangerous being a member of Thorns back then. We stared death in the face so many times.

I always imagined I’d go out in some motherfucking big way. Blaze of glory and all that. Hail of bullets. Saving the club. Playing the hero. Dying for a reason. For
something.
The way I see it, it ain’t such a waste then.

But now…this…I’m just dying for me.

If the boys could see me now, I doubt they’d even recognize me. The guy they know is the life of the party, the guy who ain’t fazed by nothing. The guy who ain’t deep. Just a shallow joker who likes to fuck. That’s how they know me. It’s how I wanted ‘em to know me. First, all that were just on the surface, but then it started taking over. It weren’t me tryin’ to be that way no more. Twenty years in, it became me.

But recently, everything I’d buried down deep the same time I’d got clean, had started coming right back up. The shit I were doing, like the meaningless fucking, weren’t doing nothing for me.

That’s when the darkness started getting its claws back into me. And right then when it’d started in on me, wearing me down, I got stabbed and the thing with the painkillers happened.

I knew then. I knew the addiction were tryin’ to take me again.

The only thing stopping it had been Sarah.

And things probably woulda been okay if I’d kept going down that road with her. Woulda been able to get a handle on it. Woulda been all okay if Jase hadn’t shot me up that night.

All bets were off then.

The second it happened, I knew it. I tried to deny it, even to my best friend. Hell, even Ax knew I were full of shit. It took hold of me that night.

Every day since it’s just been getting worse. And…Jase spiking my drinks and doing it to me
again
…that’d just sped it up. He never even gave me a chance. He were kicking me down, a man already on his knees as it were.

When they all hear ‘bout the shit that’s gonna go down here…me ending it…I’m probably gonna be seen as a weak man. A pussy for taking my own goddamn life.

But it’s real easy to judge when you ain’t been there yourself. Nobody’s got no right to it neither. They think it’s a coward’s way out. A lot of people do when they hear ‘bout somebody doing it.

But they dunno. They don’t fucking know how hard it really is to end it. Knowing, in a split second, everything’s gonna be gone, that
you’re
gonna be gone like you weren’t never here. Just…nothing no more. It’s some heavy shit.

Hell, I ain’t never been a weak man. I ain’t never run from nothing. Always been a fighter. Even at my worst. First time I were tryin’ to get clean, I were fighting tooth and nail.

But after twenty years, having it all ripped away, knowing I’m right back at square one? It’s earth-shattering. It’s like, if after all that time, it’s come back, I ain’t
never
really gonna be free of it, am I? Jase were right. It’s in me. I’m a junkie. Always gonna be. No matter how hard I try to be something more, I ain’t never gonna. Cuz the proof’s right here. I’m at that point where I need a fix so bad I’m sweating and shaking with it and physically hurting for it.

I don’t wanna be that man again. Don’t wanna be that guy. Don’t wanna get pulled down deep into that world.

The way I see it, either that’s gonna kill me, or
I
kill me.

At least this is on my own terms. Not the drugs’. Not the addiction’s.

At least this way I get the final word.

I can’t handle another day of the shit running through my head.

It won’t stop.

It never stops.

And I can’t do it again.

I can’t recover this time.

Now I know it’s just a vicious circle, I can’t. Cuz there ain’t no hope there. Nothing to fight for.

Hell, the only reason I’m still here at this moment is cuz of Sarah. Not wanting to leave
her
.

Were the club, too, but now I’m out, cuz of Jase screwing me up that night, it’s just her.

Nobody’s ever made me second-guess nothing before. Nobody’s had that much influence over me.

Not like she does.

I love her. Love her so much. She’d be worth sticking ‘round for. No question.

But I ain’t worth it for
her
. I’m too messed up for her. Can’t do that to her. Can’t drag her down, cuz I’m too selfish to let her go, to do what’s gotta be done here. I ain’t Jase.

Jase.

Fuck.

Now he’s gone, she’s safe. The club’s safe.

Nothing standing in my way now.

I can be free.

I draw in a deep breath. And then I step forward and grab the railing.

I lift my leg, ready to climb onto it, but the sound of footsteps behind me, startles me.

“You ain’t done, Runner.”

Ax.

Shit.

“How’d you know where I were at?” I call over my shoulder.

“Dealer’s expanded surveillance ‘round Brockford. Got eyes all the way up here. He saw you and called me.”

“Fuck.”

“You took Jase out.”

“Ain’t a club problem, cuz I ain’t club no more.”

“Yeah, it is, Runner. Know why? You ain’t out. I never put it to vote.”

“What?”

“We been best friends for twenty years. Joined together. Think I’d really kick you outta Thorns? Think I could do that?”

“I’m trouble. Bringing heat.”

I hear him blow out a breath. “Always gonna be
some
heat, cuz Thorns was started by a bunch of trigger-happy one-percenters. Always gonna have enemies, cuz of that. But this heat lately ain’t on
you
, brother. Was Jase. And now he’s dead—”

“Now he’s dead,
what
?” I yell, slamming my fist into the metal railing. “What, Ax? Now it’s all over? It ain’t! It never fucking is, is it? It keeps coming back!”

“I can help you. You just gotta let me, Runner. Gotta
let
me.”

“Think I’m a coward, right? Weak? Hard guys like us don’t do this shit, don’t even think like this, yeah?”

“Nah. Ain’t thinking that.” I hear him take a couple of steps closer. “What I’m
thinking
is you gotta get help. Nobody can handle this shit alone. Ain’t just talking pot here. Talking the hardest shit. You ain’t thinking clear with all the drugs that’ve been forced into you lately. And you been drinking more and that ain’t helping. It’s a big downer, something
you
can’t be having right now.”

When I hear him take another step, I yell, “Back up, Ax! Stay back!”

He moves back, but then I hear some shuffling ‘round. What the hell? Is somebody else here?

“Zeb?”

Fuck me. No. Why’d he do this? Why’d he bring
her
?

“Get her outta here, Ax!”

“I’m not going anywhere, baby.”

“Fuck, Sarah. You can’t…you can’t be here for this. Just…just go.”

“No. If you’re going to do this, I’m going to be standing here right to the end. I’m going to be here watching as your body hits that highway a hundred feet below. As the man I love more than anything, dies right in front of me. I’ll never forget it either. Never. Our last moment together, Zeb.”

I spin ‘round and scream at her, “Stop! Jesus Christ!”

She holds out her hand. “Please, Zeb. Come with us now.”

I grab at my hair and squeeze my eyes shut. Seeing the look in both their eyes—that fear and pain there—is cutting into me, shaking my resolve.

“Stop it. Stop. You’re ruining it. You’re ruining everything.”

“Ruining what, baby?” her sweet voice asks. I hear a waver there. She’s scared. And I hate it.

“Supposed to be simple. I gotta do this. It’s the only way.”

“Only way?” she presses.

Fuck. Why are they making me say it? I lose my shit and scream out, “To be free!” I dig my fingers into my head. “To be free of
this
! It won’t go! Won’t leave me! All the time, it’s there!”

“We can quiet it again, Zeb. I promise. We can.”

“Was like this before, but you stopped it,” Ax adds.

“Twenty years ago, Ax! Twenty fucking years! And I’m here again? Right back where I started?
Fuck!
I can’t. Can’t do it again.”

“Why?” he demands, in that tough-love, no-bullshit tone of his.

“Cuz there ain’t no point, is there? Always gonna end up the same way.”

“Like fuck it is. This is cuz of Jase. Not you. It’s a shitload of difference. You didn’t fall off the wagon. He shot you up against your will!”

“I
want
it! You get that? I want it! Wanna be high right now! It’s all I can think ‘bout.”

“Only cuz he’s triggered the addiction. Twice.”

I shake my head. “Nah. He were right. It’s who I am. It’s a vicious circle. A
circle
. And that means there ain’t no path off it. Just gonna come right back ‘round again. So, I get clean again, go through all that hell and for what? To be right back here in another few years? Ain’t no
life
. No fucking life.”

“You’re wrong.”

“Nah, man. Ain’t no way out. No escape.” I point behind me at the railing. “Except that. Only kinda peace a guy like me gets to have.” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “A junkie,” I mutter to myself.

“You are
not
a junkie, Zeb!” Sarah yells at me suddenly.

“You didn’t know me back then.”

“No, but I know you
now
. And I love you.”

I turn my back. I can’t stand seeing the look in her eyes she’s gonna have when I say what I’m ‘bout to. I just know it’s gonna be that same devastated look I saw on her face that day I rode away from her.

“I’m too screwed up for you. You deserve way better.”

“You don’t get it, Zeb. When I say I love you, it means
all
of you. You can’t love someone without loving all parts of them. The good and bad. Their gifts and their faults. Their strengths and weaknesses. And…yes…even the
screwed up
parts. All of that is what makes you who you are. I love all of you. Unconditionally. Just like you love the ugly parts of me. My scars.”

“Your scars ain’t ugly, woman.”

“What you’re going through now isn’t ugly to
me
either, Zeb. You’re just sick right now. That’s all.”

“I always will be.”

“No. I don’t believe that for a second. It’s not a circle, Zeb. Are you really going to let Jase have the last word here? You realize that you’re letting him dictate to you here? He’s gone now. This is never going to happen to you again. What he did to you was despicable. Awful and tragic. It sickened all of us. But he’s gone for good. Nothing like this will ever happen again. So,
when
you beat it this time, it really is for good. No circle, baby.”

“Nah. Can’t,” I croak out. Fuck. Having the two people I care ‘bout most in the world tryin’ to talk me down here, is hitting me real hard.

I walk back to the railing and look over the edge.

“Is this really gonna be your legacy, Runner?” Ax calls to me. “Taking a dive, cuz of your motherfucking brother?”

“Ain’t him, Ax.”