Blood of the Pure (Gaea) (20 page)

Suddenly I recalled the empty chair at our lunch table. Would Gabriel also feel something like that? His words echoed in my mind once again, the insistence with which he kept affirming that everything would be as if he’d never existed. Could it be that he felt nothing? Was he so different from us Human Beings?

“Did you stop looking for your past?” I asked and he lowered his head.

“I did. For some time, even after being a student here, I kept searching on my own, looking for clues that might put me on the right track, until I decided to go to the park where I was found. Some say that visiting a place where we have been before can help trigger a memory, and the only place I knew I’ve been to was that park. And, in fact, something did change. I couldn’t remember anything, there were no images or flashbacks, but I knew without a shadow of a doubt that there was something, something wrong with my past. Something I’ve done that I shouldn’t have done,” he admitted, looking at me as if confessing a sin.

“Michael, how can you be sure of something like that?” I asked softly, trying to lighten up the heavy mood, but he shook his head.

“I know. I’m sure. Steven says that’s why, even though there’s nothing wrong with my brain, I can’t recall what happened. Because in truth I do not want to remember. And I decided that it was better like this. I know I’m running from who I am, that I’m being a coward. That I’m probably getting away with something that certainly had its consequences. But I like my life now. I don’t want it to change. So I tell myself that what happened, the accident, that it wasn’t all bad, quite the contrary. It’s a second chance. Pretty pathetic, eh?”

I kept silent not knowing what to say. I wanted to comfort him, to convince him that he was wrong, that there was no way he might have done something that wrong. After all, this was Michael we were talking about, and the Michael I knew could never hurt anyone. I was sure that people losing their memory wouldn’t change their nature all that much. We weren’t just what we remembered, our being was something deeper than simple stored information; or at least that was what I thought.

However, the absolute certainty with which he’d told me those things made any attempt to comfort him sound like simple pity, and I didn’t want him thinking I felt sorry for him again.

“As far as I’m concerned,” I said under my breath still searching for the right words, “you are Michael. That’s who you are, and that’s enough. Someone told me that we Humans have the right to choose,” I added recalling Gabriel’s heavy voice when he’d told me he had no choice. “So, choosing to start over is a right we have. The important thing is who we are today, and who we want to be tomorrow. What we’ve been cannot be changed. It can be forgotten, but never changed. So the only thing we can do is learn with our mistakes and try to be a better person than we already were. Even if you don’t remember your past, Michael, that’s what you’re trying to do, right?” I asked, facing him. He was looking at me, listening to my every word, and I couldn’t help feeling embarrassed for having had the courage to tell him something like that. “So, everything is fine,” I concluded, smiling awkwardly, even more embarrassed by his silence. “At least that’s what I think.”

I lowered my gaze, running from his, and stared at the green grass, feeling happy with myself for being able to put into words more or less what I thought. In truth I couldn’t care less about who he’d been. That didn’t matter at all. It was with the Michael before me that I’d fallen in love, not his past.

Suddenly his arms were around me, hugging me against his warm chest. I felt lost in his embrace that made me fell even smaller and heard him take a deep breath, his chin resting on the top of my head.

“Michael,” I whispered, not knowing what to do, although my heart was beating hard.

“I’m sorry, just a little bit more,” he told me, his voice hardly audible. “Today, I’ve heard a lot of important things. And what you’ve just told me, if you knew what it means to me hearing someone telling me that it’s all right being who I am, that it’s ok to run away like a coward.”

“I don’t think ... you’re a coward,” I managed to reply and he laughed.

“You don’t exist. Well, of course you exist. I’m really grateful for that.” His arms released me and I sat up, avoiding having to look at him. “When I’m with you all my dark shadows simply disappear.”

“Shadows, Michael, you don’t have any shadows. You’re like a sun.”

He laughed again and placed a warm hand on my head.

“Did you know that’s exactly how I see you. Like a sun,” he said and I looked at him in disbelief. Me? A sun? Me who was always so insignificant, so insecure, so dull. How could I ever be a sun? I was just one more shadow.

Michael released me from his touch, looking up at the sky once again, and I couldn’t help stare at his soft expression, the angles of his jaw, his firm but elegant neck. I wished I could hug him like he’d hugged me, feel the warmth of his skin against mine, kiss his face.

“I think we’d better get going. It will be dark soon. I don’t want you returning home after dark. Want me to take you? It isn’t that far, right?” His bright smile made me blush, feeling guilty for my impure thoughts.

“There’s no need. Thank you. I’ll get there in an instant.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. Besides, Gabriel must be home by now,” I added, using him as an excuse once more, certain that mentioning his name would leave others more at ease; and Michael nodded, proving me right.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

As soon as I opened the door, I heard Lea’s bell as he ran towards me. I smiled, picked him up and took a deep breath.

“Hey there! I had the most incredible day!” I told him, still brimming with happiness, and the kitten purred. I took him to the kitchen to feed him and went up for a warm shower.

As usual Gabriel wasn’t at home, which meant I had time for myself. And so I dropped on the bed, hair still wet, and closed my eyes replaying over and over again my wonderful afternoon. In my mind I could feel Michael’s lips caressing my skin, his warmth comforting me, his smile melting my heart.

Lea’s bell and his sudden weight on my belly brought me back to reality and I smiled at the intrigued eyes that observed me.

“Hmm, is it time already?” I asked, my brain delightfully dormant, and took a peek at the alarm clock. “Damn! This late already?” I grumbled sitting up as Lea jumped from my lap since it had become dangerously unstable. “I’ll only have time to cook something simple. Well, I’m not that hungry anyway.” I stood up and left the room, followed by Lea’s bell. “How about some frozen lasagna?” I asked as I entered the kitchen and the kitten jumped onto Gabriel’s chair. “You think it’s worth it?” I recalled the last two dinners I’d left on the stove and that had remained there, untouched. Lea licked a paw and used it to wash behind his ears; I sighed. “All right, then,” I conceded and took two portions from the freezer.

I didn’t even know if he’d return home. Since our talk on Friday, something had changed. In the last week I’d grown used to a certain routine and had, consequently, started to understand myself better when I was near him. Of course his presence still disturbed me deeply, leaving me completely terrified, but somehow I’d been able to come up with some strategies that allowed me to circumvent the situation. And now, suddenly, everything had changed again. It was as if we’d gone back in time, to a stage even colder and more distant then it had been when our ... relationship had begun.

I took a deep breath, wondering why that had to bother me, and still was unable to stop conjecturing the reasons behind that change. Was it because of our talk? Or did he think that our Contract was almost finished?

The timer rang. I opened the oven and took out my dinner. It smelled good and the cheese spread over the pasta was slightly toasted. I turned off the oven and took a plate from the cupboard to serve myself a portion.

I ate in silence with Lea as my company while he went on with his hygiene. Then I covered what was left with a piece of cellophane and went up to my room. The small kitten followed me as usual and, nuzzling my pillow, lay down on my bed. I smiled at his bright eyes and followed his example. It was useless thinking about studying and, since awake or asleep I was inevitably going to dream about Michael, I decided to go to bed earlier.

Chapter Seven

NIA

– The Rose - The Woman of Atu XIV. Minister of Babalon;

The Water-Kerub in the Initiation.

The First Kiss Of the Lady of Initiation.
1
–

“There are days when the sun gets clouded, devoured by a sea of black clouds, and suddenly the world is so dark you can’t tell night from day. There are times when all I wish is to scream the impossibility of what surrounds me, but the truth is cold and unmistakably real; and I know this storm won’t simply go away.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

uesday began like all other Tuesdays — with the detestable sound of my alarm clock. And everything went on as it was supposed to, at least until I went down to the kitchen.

The first thought that occurred to me and immediately froze me by the door was a ‘he’s back.’ Then I noticed the lasagna I’d left for him was gone, which made slightly happy. Next, an unsettling sensation invaded my body and when I dared look at him, I noticed he was observing me with a critical look. In a split second I couldn’t help think about how disturbing he could be, sitting there, unmoving. His shirt and pants were all black, like his hair, making his skin look even paler.

“That won’t do,” he finally told me in his velvet tone, making me shiver. “Go and put on the white skirt, the one with the red ribbon.”

I was stunned, for a moment, trying hard to understand what he’d just said. Lea, on his lap, opened his eyes to peer at me and went back to nuzzling his white, long hands, as if the matter had nothing to do with him.

“What?” I managed to ask and he raised an eyebrow, my question evidently testing his patience.

“Go and change your clothes. Put on the white skirt.”

I felt really glad when anger bubbled inside me since his expression, right then, was really scary.

“Why?” I asked frowning.

“Because I told you so. It’s time we go into the next phase. This is dragging too much for my taste,” he declared, his deep voice slightly impatient.

“What next phase?”

“Just do what I tell you to! Or are you going to make me destroy all your clothes except the ones I want you to use?” I shuddered don’t know if from anger or from the fear that made my heart pound in my ears. I turned around and ran up stairs, stomping all the way up in a childish challenge. I poured my anger on the wardrobe’s door when I opened it and pulled out the skirt he had told me to wear. It was a white, knee-high, circle skirt that tied around the waist with a red silky ribbon. I took off the one I’d put on, one of the few long skirts I now had, and unwillingly changed it for the white one.

The feeling of having just been clearly and completely manipulated deeply irritated me, frustrating and scaring me beyond anything rational. It made me too aware that he could do whatever he pleased, and that there was nothing I could do about it.

I also had to change my green and white jumper for a red one with a neckline that I insistently pulled up.

I went back down, walking carefully because of the heels from my shoes that I also had to change, and stopped by the kitchen door, facing him angrily, although I knew it was completely useless.

He looked at me once more, from head to toe, looking completely indifferent, and nodded one single time approvingly.

“What the hell is going on?” I asked, but he didn’t answer.

“See you at school. Don’t even think about changing your clothes,” he warned me with a threatening look that made me take a step back and, before my frightened eyes, he disappeared as if he’d never even been there.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Due to that annoying waste of time, I had to practically run all the way to school and, even so, arrived after the first bell. My salvation was that our first class was English and the teacher didn’t seem to notice my tardiness. He was already there, at the back of the room, and his black eyes followed me unceremoniously, making me tense. I hadn’t changed clothes, if that was what he was checking! I hadn’t even thought about it, after his veiled threat.

Steph arrived nearly fifteen minutes late, beating her own personal record. We spent the rest of class talking, with Joanne turning backwards in her chair, about what had happened the previous day. Joanne sounded even more excited than Steph, firmly guaranteeing Michael’s interest on me, and I had to ask them more than once to stop sounding so excited about something that probably would never happen. I almost felt relieved when class was over and we had to change classrooms. Kevin’s silent company was like a balm for my tired mind of having to deal with Gabriel and Michael, alternately.

We met again at lunchtime and Gabriel joined us. The ‘Michael’ subject was once again the main topic of everyone’s talk and, for quite some time, Joe and Albert still expected to see him arrive at the cafeteria’s door. As he didn’t show up, Joe’s attention turned towards Gabriel, mentioning how the CD he had lent him was amazing. I saw him smile, in that mask of friendliness, and couldn’t help wonder if that daily act didn’t bother him; if he were really insensitive to Human feelings, if the only thing that really mattered to him was fulfilling that Contract.

When he finished eating Gabriel stood up, picking up his tray, and invited me to accompany him to our daily task.

“We already missed yesterday. We better go,” he demanded with a smile that looked even falser, and I whimpered knowing I couldn’t deny him. Once more he was the one deciding what I had to do.

We walked in silence as my emotions mixed chaotically.

On the one hand, I couldn’t help feeling sad, since all my efforts to better deal with him had been all for nothing. Overnight, Gabriel had become someone completely impregnable, a terrifying icy stone. But, on the other hand, I couldn’t feel happier knowing I was about to see Michael once again, even though I still felt embarrassed every time I recalled our last meeting.

When we reached the door leading outside, he opened it, giving me passage, and I stepped outside noticing I’d been right. That gesture had been exactly like Michael’s.

We walked side by side across the grass and Michael noticed us at a distance.

“Hey! Hi, Mari! Gabriel!” He greeted us with a warm smile and Gabriel waved him back.

I muttered a shy and global ‘hello’ when we reached them and Steven answered me friendly, as Francis frowned and Megie jumped at Gabriel’s neck.

“Gabriel! I missed you!” she cried out with a mischievous smile, and he hugged her, kissing her soft blushed cheek.

“So sorry. Promise it won’t happen again,” he told her nicely and she seemed convinced. Lauren stared at me with cold eyes, like she wanted to kill me, and Michael approached me with such a sweet expression that I thought I would melt.

“Everything OK?” he asked me in a lower tone than usual in words that seemed meant only for me, and I nodded, blushing. “I was worried yesterday. I shouldn’t have let you convince me so easily to let you walk home alone!”

“Oh, nothing happened,” I assured him, not knowing where I could possibly keep all my happiness. “Ah, right!” I remembered, searching my handbag. “I brought you a new book.”

“Hey, wasn’t it my turn?” he complained and I smiled as I gave it to him.

“I know you didn’t bring it, right? Because you were thinking about all that stuff. It’s OK,” I added noticing his suddenly serious expression. “I want you to read this one. It’s about our real being. It can be a bit ... philosophic. It’s probably not your style.” He took the book from my hands and smiled, washing that bright light over me.

“Thank you.”

All my worries disappeared instantly. I couldn’t care anymore if he was going to like it or not, or if he was even going to read it. All I knew was that I could even die, just to see him smile like that.

Suddenly, a cold wind made me shiver, freezing me inside. My mind took a few seconds to understand what was going on and, as soon as it did, panic squeezed my chest leaving me breathless. I urgently looked for him and saw him not that far away, between Lauren and Megie, who were telling him something apparently amusing. Yet, he wasn’t listening, his dark eyes locked on me. Completely terrified by the expansive strength of his presence, I noticed that on his statue-like face only his pale lips were moving, fast and silent.

A warm hand held my arm and Michael’s voice sounded distant, lost among the deafening sound of my heartbeat. What was he doing? Was he going to attack Michael again? If so, how? How could I protect him?

His dark gaze became alight with that reddish glow and I wanted to scream! Warn them! Tell them to run! I felt the instant he released his strength like a thunderous explosion and the world spun around me.

I only understood it later. I had fallen, my head hurt. That strength had been aimed at me.

I saw Michael leaning over me, his panicked expression, shouting something I couldn’t hear. I turned my gaze, stubbornly fighting the drowsiness I felt, and saw Steven running towards me. Gabriel didn’t even move, remaining exactly where he was. His perfect pale face unchanging, and yet, the pain in his eyes was so unexpected that it stole my breath away.

I tried to fight against that numbness, tell everyone I was OK, that there was nothing to worry about, but the weight over my eyelids won and darkness enveloped my ability to think.

The sound of running steps, the frenetic beating of something near my ear, the sound of a ragged breathing, arms that held me firmly ... And the warmth that made me feel more at ease and safe...

I heard voices, far away, and words I didn’t understand.

The warmth of those strong arms abandoned me.

The voices went on, urgently, and once more I wished I could tell them that everything was all right. I didn’t want them to worry and, worst of all, I didn’t want anyone thinking about calling my mom, in Paris, to tell her about what had happened. That would only make her worry in vain.

A soft caress touched my skin.

“Mari,” his voice cut my heart. I didn’t want that pained tone to be because of me.
Michael ...

His hand disappeared as if he’d heard me and gotten scared, and I heard what sounded like a chair falling. I fought hard to open my eyes and wake up from that forced sleep, but it was no use and his rushed footsteps reached me, as he ran away from there.

A light laughter froze me inside and my heart exploded painfully. Was he there? Right beside me? And I couldn’t even move! That was the same exact situation that had made me spend innumerous terrifying and sleepless nights, when he’d first started sleeping in the living room. Me, completely defenseless. Not that there was anything I could do if I were awake, I thought, trying to rationalize the situation.

“Suileabhan.” I heard his deep voice in that single word and all the cells in my body shook. A small bell echoed somewhere. “Did you see that? Interesting.” I heard him again, his tone sarcastic and ice cold. “Follow him,” he ordered and the bell rang again. Who was he speaking to? And follow who? Michael? Just the thought made me terrified. Why? What was he thinking??