Broken (9 page)

“Ok.  Let me have your cell.”  I don’t bother asking why and look around in my bag for it.  When I give it to him, he enters something then hands it back. Seconds later, he has his own cell in hand and proceeds to make a phone call.  My cell rings and I see his name appear on the screen.

“You’re so random, you know that,” I laugh.  I push the end button, but he dials again. “Seriously?  I’m standing right here and you’re calling me?”

“Would you just pick up please?”  Yeah, he is one strange dude but I humor him and answer anyway.

“Hello? Who’s this?”

“Smart ass.
  Just stay on the phone with me until you’re home.”  I open the door and step outside into the cold.  It’s snowing again.  There’s no wind, no noise.  It’s as if the earth is standing still.  Strong arms pull me back into an embrace, and I fall against him willingly.  “You sure you don’t want to stay?  I’ll keep you warm.”  There’s humor in his voice, but I know if I said yes, he would do more than just keep me warm.  He could set both of us on fire, red fiery flames that could melt my frozen heart.

“I’m sure.  I’ll see you again soon.  After all, you do know where I live.”  I start walking away as his voice follows me home.

“You’re killing me, you know?”  He’s still outside in the freezing cold. 

“Well, I’m not much better.”

“If you would’ve stayed-” 

“Yeah, I know, but I can’t tonight.  I want to be one hundred percent sure about this.  I’m not saying it won’t happen.”  I hear him groan into the phone, and I wonder if it’s from frustration or relief.

“As long as you don’t say no, I’m ok with that. I like you, Jenny.  Like a lot.  You don’t have to say anything back.  That’s not why I’m telling you this.  I just need you to know that for me this is so much more than a one night stand.”  I don’t know how to respond to that, so I keep walking without giving him a response.  Hearing him say that makes me feel wonderfully happy and all warm and toasty inside.  But still, I can’t tell him I feel the same because the truth is, I don’t know how I feel.  What if all I feel is from my lack of intimacy?  What if it’s all a physical need that will disappear once we sleep together?  “Hello?  Babe, are you there?” 

“Sorry, I’m here.  I don’t-”

“It’s ok.  No need to say anything.  I’ll wait until you’re inside.”  He can see me unlock the door, and I turn around and wave. 

“Ok, my dear knight, I’m home.”  I lock the door behind me and rest against it.  He’s still on the phone, neither one of us ready to hang up. 

“Why don’t you come over tomorrow?  We can decorate the tree and I can cook for you.”  Another day with him and Lily? 

“What time?  My appointment is in the morning.”

“Anytime you want.  Just come on over.  We won’t start without you.”  I can hear him close the door and imagine him walking through the house, turning off lights, then going to his room; undressing.  My mouth waters as I picture his naked body.  I already have a pretty good idea of what’s underneath all these clothes.  I’ve touched him, and after tonight’s grinding session in his hallway, what I didn’t touch I felt.  God, it’s so hot in the house now.  “What are you doing?”  Did he notice the change in my breathing?  Like that wouldn’t be creepy or anything. 

“Nothing, just trying to take some of the clothes off.”
  Yeah, perfect answer genius. 

“You really are trying to kill me.  It’s obvious so don’t try to deny it.” 

“Oh shush.  Go to sleep, David. I’ll see you tomorrow.  Thanks again for a lovely time.”

“Sweet dreams love.”

I hang up first and as I lean against the front door, I catch a glimpse of myself in the long mirror.  I don’t recognize the woman in the mirror.  She looks happy, alive.  I have David to thank for that.  He is the reason I, in this moment, feel like a teenager ready to sing and dance in the falling snow.  I’m sure that would be quite a show for the nice neighbors. 

I push away from the door and I almost float to my room.  For the first time in a long while, I can feel my heart beating again. I drop my boots and coat on the floor, not bothering to put them in their usual place.  I do a pirouette before I jump into bed.  With my eyes closed, I start thinking about David.  About the things that make me so hard to resist.  He's nothing like Sam.  No one could ever compare to Sam.  And I wouldn’t want him to.  Sam was my tattooed surfer with sun kissed skin, rough hands and bright eyes.

David is just the opposite.  There’s no ink adorning his body, at least I don’t think there is. His eyes are dark and are always smiling, his skin the color of porcelain.  His hands are softer than mine, gentle, always ready to touch and caress.  Patient, passionate, attentive, pleasing.  These are the words that best describe him.  The more I think about it, the more I realize that maybe he’s just what I’ve been waiting for.  Maybe he is the medicine I’ve needed this whole time.  That’s the thought that haunts me as I fall asleep. 

I did go to his house the next day, and the day after that.  In fact
, we spent every free moment together, decorating the tree, playing with Lily, making cookies, watching old movies.  Without even realizing it, I was becoming part of their life as much as they were becoming part of mine.  I continued my visits with Dr. Collins who by now was beyond proud of my progress. 

What I did not realize was that all the old feelings and hurts were being masked by everything that was going on around me.  Never forgotten, always there hiding in the background.  My fear was that one day they would find their way back to the surface, and like an explosion, they would burn to ashes everything around me. 

David’s patience was unheard of.  Like a magician, he always knows what to say, when to say it; when to push and when to take a step back.  We haven’t made love yet.  It’s not from lack of trying on my part.  I’m ready emotionally, and bursting with need physically.  “I don’t want to rush you,” he says.  Maybe he’s right.  Or maybe he’s just as scared as I am. 

There are two more days until Christmas and Lily is full of excitement.  The whole days she jumps and runs, and talks non-stop, all about Santa and the tree, reminding me what toy she wants and where Santa will get it from. 

She falls asleep in front of the television, watching Elf for the hundredth time, and David and I are finally alone.  We’re lying on the floor, our back resting against the sofa, looking at the beautiful Christmas tree.  We’re sipping hot chocolate spiked with some kind of alcohol, and I’m starting to wonder if maybe he’s trying to get me drunk and finally put me out of my misery.

“You could go with us, you know.” I rest my head against his chest and close my eyes.  He’s leaving tomorrow to visit his family in New York.  For the past few days, he’s been asking me this question.

“Stop worrying about me.  You and Lily will be so busy with your family; you’re not going to have time to miss me.  Besides, I’m going to spend some time with my mom.  I’m not going to be alone.”

“Let me know if you change your mind.  We’re leaving at ten tomorrow.”

“I will.  Well I better get going too.  I’ll see you in the morning, ok?”

“You could stay,” he says sheepishly.

“Come on, walk me to the door and maybe I’ll let you kiss me goodnight.” 

The next day I help him get Lily ready for the trip
, and I’m trying my best not to cry.  My emotions are all over the place, and I blame the stupid holidays for it. 

“This is for you guys.” I hand him a large bag and he looks at it suspiciously.

“What’s this?”

“A bag.
  With some stuff inside.  Oh for God’s sake.  It’s a present.  For Christmas.  So no peeking until tomorrow morning.”

“Babe, you didn’t have to.”  The bag is long forgotten and I’m pulled into his strong arms.  The kiss is tender and slow and my body responds immediately to his touch.  “Come with us, please.”

“Yes, come with us,” Lily pleads.

“Stop it you two.  You go have fun and I’ll see you when you get back.”

“Stubborn woman.” 

“Yes I am, and proud of it, too.”  He shakes his head, and once again let’s me have the last word.  He’s good like that.  We pack the rest of the stuff in the car and once Lily is all settled into her car seat, we say our goodbyes for the last time.  I’m sad to see him get behind the wheel and drive away, but there’s not much I can do about it now, except walk back into the house and pack a few things for my short visit to my mom’s. 

It was a last minute decision, so she’s not expecting me.  I pull the car into her driveway and realize that maybe I should’ve told her I’m coming.  She’s not home so I leave my stuff in the car then walk up to Shelly’s house. 

“Hi there, sweets.
  Come on in.  I was about to have some wine to take this chill off my bones.” 

“Girl, it’s not even lunch time,” I laugh and follow her in the warm home. 

“It’s happy hour somewhere, I’m sure.”  She pulls me into a quick hug before pushing me towards the living room.  “Damn girl, it’s freaking cold out there.”  Her mom is in the kitchen, as always.  I wonder if she ever leaves that room.  For as long as I’ve known her, she’s always in there.  Either cooking, cleaning, or even knitting.  Always in the kitchen.  I say a quick hello before going after Shelly.  She’s already pouring more wine into her half empty glass then gets one for me.

“
Sooooo.  I heard you got yourself a man.  Come on.  You have to share all the hot and heavy details with me. Since I don’t get some, at least I can live through you.

“Oh My God.
  You’re crazy.  Yes to the man, no to the hot and heavy.”  I’m whispering in hope her mom won’t hear our conversation.  I would simply just die if she did.

“Sorry.  Say what?”

“We’re taking it slow.  His idea.”

“No shit.  Well at least you got yourself a considerate one.  I tell you, the ones I’ve met lately can’t wait to jump my bones.”

“Seriously?  Your mom is like right there,” I point towards the open door that leads to the kitchen.

“So what?
She knows all about jumping bones. Don’t you, ma?”  I can feel my face getting red by the minute.  She’s completely lost her mind.

“What honey?” her mom’s voice comes from the other room.

“Relax, she can’t hear us.” Shelly assures me and takes another drink of her wine.  “Besides, you should see the books she’s been reading.  The other day she left her online shopping cart open and I swear girl, the covers of those books alone could give you an orgasm.  It’s like porn on paper.  Whoever invented the eBook had to be an ex porn star.  Seriously.” I choke on my wine and her mom rushes to see what’s happening.

“Play nice girls.  Are you ok, Jenny?”

“She’s fine, Ma.”  Shelly pats my back a few times trying to help me calm the coughing and eventually my pipes are working again.

“Honey, you stay for lunch, yes?  I’m making stuffed grape leaves. 
First time trying this recipe.”  God, I love this woman.  Every bone in her body is laced in maternal fluff.  She exudes maternal love.

As soon as she walks away, Shelly continues her conversation as if she was never interrupted.  “So like I was saying, the authors of these books are probably laughing all the way to the bank.  I mean, how brilliant of an idea is this.  It gives the mild-mannered housewife a way to explore unimaginable territories, the husband collects the rewards, and the author makes a fortune.  It’s a win-win situation.
For everyone. Cheers to the eBook.”

“I’ve always thought you were
a little nuts, but you just confirmed that theory.” 

“Oh
pfff.  Like you don’t know what I’m talking about.”

“Well, I guess.  So what have you been up to?  Mom said you were getting serious with Lloyd or whatever his name is.”

“Yeah it’s Lloyd.  Not that it matters. We were pretty serious until we went to his place one evening and while we were making out, he started talking.  Not just talking but dirty talking. At first, I thought ok maybe I’m hallucinating.  I mean, it just didn’t sound right, you know?  Then he asks me to talk back, and I swear I almost peed myself laughing.  I mean what the fuck, are you kidding me?  So needless to say, he didn’t find my laughing amusing, so yeah. That was it.”

At this point
, I’m holding my stomach, tears streaming down my face. I’m half way on the floor, wine gushing through my nose, laughing.  And I can totally picture her cracking up as he is all into it trying to get her to talk dirty to him.  Priceless.

“What is wrong with guys nowadays?  I mean, seriously girl.  Do I have a fuck-me-then-leave-me sign on my forehead? Why can’t I just meet a decent guy, someone to grow old with?” The laughing disappears, and I push myself up to give her a quick hug.  I guess no matter how hard the outside shell
is, inside we’re all soft and mushy, in need of love.

“Maybe because that special guy is not ready for you yet.”

“Awe. That’s such bullshit, but I love you for trying to make me feel better anyway.” By lunchtime we’re both buzzed, Shelly more than me, but we’re equally happy. The food is as delicious as any other dish her mom has ever prepared.  We eat and drink some more.

“Oh my God, girl.
  I can’t remember the last time I was this full.” Her mom has already gone to lie down, and we’re left alone in the cozy kitchen.  “I know I’ve told you before, but you must know just how lucky you are to have your mom.  She really is one amazing woman.”

“So is yours.
  Which makes me wonder how did we end up so screwed up?”  She laughs wholeheartedly, and at this point, I’m not sure if it’s me or the wine doing the laughing.  “I have to move out girl, and I have to do it fast.  It’s not good for my mom to have me here.”

“What do you mean?  She loves having you here.”

“She’s stressed out of her mind.  She’s worried about me and that’s why she does the one thing she knows how to do best.  Cook.”  Is this why my mom is always trying to feed me?

“I’m sure that’s not true.  She’s always loved to cook.  We both know that.” Shelly shakes her head in denial.

“Not like this. This is so much more than that.  She did tell me once that she’s worried I’m going to die alone.  I tried to joke about it and told her I’ll just have to make sure I’ll die before her.  Not a good joke, I know, but it was the best I could come up with on the spot.  Let’s just say she almost started crying.  So I’ve been keeping quiet, and now I just stuff my face every time she puts a plate in front of me.” 

“Listen
Shel, if you ever need a place to stay, you can come and move with me.  There’s plenty of room.”  One minute I’m trying to comfort her, the next she’s squeezing the life out of me in one of those tight hugs that she’s always been known for.

“I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it, and I’ll keep that in mind.  But for now, I have to find myself.  Find out what it is that I want to do with my life.  Thirty is not too far away, and I feel like I’ve wasted so much time already.”

“I know what you mean.  Come on, let’s clean this kitchen up before we both start crying and scare the crap out of your mom.  I don’t think I can eat anything else for another month.”