Broken but Breathing (Jinx Tattoos Book 2) (5 page)

“Who’s yours?” she asked.

“I got a club full of brothers for that, Es.”

“Just the same. I hope you know I’m always here to listen, too.”

“I appreciate that. Let me walk you out.”

He turned her words over in his mind as they gathered her things and she said her round of good-byes. She hadn’t been there longer than a few hours, and she’d already won them over. As he watched her pull away, he wondered if he was doing this for her or himself.

CHAPTER THREE

Estelle

“Is this the point where you explain where you were last night?” Jolene asked as she peered over her plastic cup.

Sighing, Estelle leaned back into her plush orange armchair. The peace she’d discovered yesterday with Snake was disintegrating rapidly.
How can I explain a man like him to Jolene?
He was a complex puzzle she’d yet to scratch the surface on. Jolene would only see the tats and outlaw biker lifestyle. She would call her a million shades of stupid and start listing all the reasons why any sort of relationship with him was a bad idea. She took a sip of her Bourbon Barrel Coffee to stall for time.

“Does it matter?” Estelle asked, studying the brown liquid inside her mug.

“Were you at the grave site again?” Jolene’s voice dropped to a near whisper.

Estelle looked up. The sorrow in her sister-in-law’s green eyes cut through Estelle’s annoyance like a hot knife through butter. She folded.

“No. I told you, this year I’m focused on moving forward. No more drunken days sitting on the cold ground all day. I promise. I know it won’t change anything.”

Jolene seemed relieved. “So where were you?”

“With a friend,” Estelle replied with a shrug.

Jolene frowned. Estelle could see the wheels in her head turning double time.

“Who?”

“No one you know,” Estelle answered, keeping her tone light.

“You’ll have to forgive me if that’s not reassuring,” Jolene said drolly.

Estelle cringed. After everything Jolene had done for her, she owed her more of an explanation. “I’ve been going to a grief group for about a month now. They pair you up with a buddy, or as my sponsor and I would say, support.”

“That’s fantastic, Estelle! Why didn’t you say something?” Jolene’s face lit up like a lamp that had been switched on.

“Because I didn’t know if I was going to continue it initially. Later, because it felt good to do something and not make a big deal out of it. Sometimes I feel like I’m living in a petri dish under a microscope.” She shuddered remembering the way she’d been hounded by the press right after the accident. Everyone wanted an update on her progress or an exclusive interview. She’d stopped watching local television because they kept playing her story like it was a new reality television show. The mini paparazzi stage had contributed substantially to the previous year of living like a hermit and cutting people off. There were no words to describe the way it felt to see your so-called friends on the screen doing interviews about you.

“Between the frequent visits with the doc, and you and everyone I know waiting to see if I’m going to have another epic meltdown, there’s not a lot of room for screw ups. The pressure is too intense. I wanted to dip my toe into the water without an audience standing behind me.”

“We worry about you, Stelle. You’ve been through a lot and haven’t always handled everything well.”

“I know. I understand that, but you can’t hold it against me for the rest of my life. I’ve been through some Lifetime movie worthy shit over the past couple of years.”

“We don’t hold it against you—”

“Do you know how many missed calls I had when I got to my car after class? I love you all for caring. You carried me when I couldn’t stand on my own two feet. You dragged me out of bed kicking and screaming when I wanted to lay down and die. I will never forget that or downplay it. I was a mess. But I’m not that person anymore.”

Jolene stirred her iced coffee and peered out the window. “It’s hard to stop cold turkey. We’ve watched you struggle so hard, gain momentum, and then crash and burn out of nowhere. It makes it hard for us to be hands off, and let you go it alone. I know you’re not a child. I’m not trying to treat you like one,” Jolene said with a sigh.

“Trust me to ask for help if I need it. I have to learn to function on my own again, Jole. It’s the only way it’ll work long-term.”

“I know,” she whispered. “Was your support helpful?”

Estelle smiled. “Yeah, they were. I dragged my feet about going to the grief group. I’ve gotten used to being an anti-social hermit. What used to come second-nature takes a bit of work. I accept that, and I’m trying to change it. Funnily enough, and as cliché as it sounds, being around others who’ve lost someone helps.”

“Do you get up and talk?” Jolene asked, leaning forward in her chair.

“No. Honestly, I usually just listen. But they don’t make you do anything you don’t feel up to.”

Jolene smiled. “I’m glad you found something that helps you.”

“Me too. It feels like a massive breakthrough.”

“So, what did you and support do?” Jolene asked.

She was fishing, but Estelle had no plans of taking the bait. She wanted to keep Snake to herself for now.

“Hung out, played pool, and shot darts.”

Jolene’s eyebrows raised. “Really?”

“Well, I get out of class at eleven. There isn’t much else to do at that time of night.”

“True. You’re awfully tight-lipped regarding the entire thing. You’re not going to give me any details?”

She shook her head and mocked buttoning her lips.

“Hmmm,” Jolene hummed.

“Enough about me. Tell me what’s going on with you,” Estelle asked, switching the spotlight.

“Running ragged. With one in middle school and the other in high school I’m constantly going back and forth. I can’t wait until Joshua gets his driver’s license this year. We’re going to get him a reasonably priced dependable car, and I’ll regain some of my sanity.”

Estelle smiled. “I know it’s crazy now, but you love it.”

Jolene sighed. “I really do. I feel like I blinked, and they grew up on me. In another year, Brenda will be in high school, and Josh will be one step closer to leaving the nest. Then what will I do?”

“Take painting classes, go to wine tastings, enjoy your husband,” Estelle said, happy to be the one reassuring her friend for once. Theirs had been a horribly lopsided relationship in the past two years.

“Todd is always so busy with work. Part of me fears what will happen when we don’t have the kids as a buffer.”

“Are you two having problems?” Estelle asked.

“No. At least
that
would be something. Right now, we’re two ships passing in the night. I feel like the romance in our marriage is dead. It’s all duty, schedules, and realism.” She shook her head.

“Do you have date nights?” Estelle asked, vaguely recalling the tradition they used to indulge in bi-weekly.

She laughed. The bitter cackle raised Estelle’s hackles, and hurt her ears like a bad chord. It was painful to listen to.

“I can’t remember the last time we went on a date. Not a family function we’re obligated to dress up and attend, but an outing where we focus solely on one another, hold hands, and time outside of that moment ceases to exist. No. We’ve gotten so far off course, I don’t know how to get back on the right path.”

“How long have you been feeling like this?” Estelle asked, stunned by the revelation. Jolene always seemed to have everything together.

“Too long. I can’t give you a date. It’s become a recurring thought stuck on a loop in my brain. I didn’t feel comfortable talking about it before, because what does this say about me? I’m in this marriage I don’t even enjoy. That makes me a complete failure.” Her eyes glistened, and she sniffled.

“No, it doesn’t.” Estelle set her mug down on the end table and leaned over to take Jolene’s hands. “You realized you have an issue. Now it’s our job to figure out what we can do to fix this. Your kids are old enough to stay alone. Set up one day each week for you and Todd to have some alone time. You both deserve it.”

“Part of me is afraid to ask him.”

The pain in Jolene’s voice made her heartache. “Why?”

“What if he says no? What if addressing the elephant in the room brings me worse news?”

“How could it be worse?”

“He could ask me for a divorce, or tell me he’s cheating.”

“Do you think he’s messing around?” Estelle whispered, stunned.
How the hell could I be so blind? She’s been going through hell, and lending me her shoulder like a boss while I continued to take without giving.

“I don’t know what I think. I’m desperate for an explanation of how we got here, and it’s a logical conclusion.”

“Don’t even put that into the universe. Todd loves you. You’re a strong, thoughtful, smoking hot wife. He’d be a fool to throw that away.”

“And yet how many people who have everything do just that?” Jolene asked.

“I think you’re playing a guessing game. You need to sit down and talk with him. I know you’re afraid, but the things you’re imagining right now are probably a million times worse than the truth. You’ve been through a lot, too, in the past couple of years. Give yourself a break. Your mom took Ev’s death hard. You were going back and forth between the two of us. Your father had that stroke last year. In a lot of ways, you’re just getting back to a place of normalcy. I think that’s why it’s hitting you so hard.”

“You think?” she asked, wiping away her tears. “When did you get so wise, little sister?”

“When you gaze into the face of hell, you either go insane or get your shit together. I did the crazy thing, so I guess I’m on the upswing.”

Jolene laughed, and Estelle cherished the ability to brighten her day.

“Let’s talk about how we’re going to make this better, Jole.”

“Yeah, I’m down for that,” Jolene said, taking a deep breath as she tucked her brown strands behind her ears and put on her game face.

They spent the better part of an hour going back and forth with ideas on how to spice things up.

“You know what I think?” Estelle asked.

“What?”

“Enough talking. It’s time for action.”

“What do you mean?”

“Two words, Jole. Naughty and store,” Estelle said.

Jolene laughed. “What?”

“Come on, the good kind, not one in a department store.”

“I wouldn’t know where to start,” Jolene replied.

“All the more reason for us to go.”

“I’m not going to be the only one who buys something.”

“Oh no, today is not about me.”

“I’m not going it alone. You get something, too, or it’s a no-go,” Jolene said.

“Crafty wench. Fine, I’ll pick up a few things, too.”

“Awesome, let’s get rid of our garbage and go.”

Played like a fiddle.

§

The two-story red brick building had a row of dildos in the front window, a scantily clad blonde on a poster, and a sea of shelves stocked with who knew what.
Well, this is something I don’t do every day.
They linked arms and walked inside.

“I feel like I’m in college again,” Jolene said with a light-hearted giggle.

“Me too.” They entered the store, and she took in the neatly sectioned areas.

“Where do we start?” Jolene asked.

“An outfit. Nothing says ‘fuck me like you mean it’ like the right outfit.”

“Estelle,” Jolene gasped.

“What? I know you’re leery of talking to him, so you need to be expressive in a different way.”

“What if he shuts me down?” Jolene whispered, hesitating as they approached a rack of lingerie.

“Girl, you’re hot as hell. I know twenty-year-olds who don’t have bodies like yours. Put that Pilates, running, and weight lifting bod to good use. He must love the ways you can bend your body.”

Jolene smiled. “Hmmm.”

“You keep your secrets, you wily fox. Come on, we need to get your mojo back.”

“What about your groove, Stella?” Jolene said.

“Hardy, har, har. I might get some things to help with self-entertaining, but I have no man to entice.”

“What about your support?”

“Never said support was a male.”

“But you didn’t say it was a female either,” Jolene said giddily.

Estelle sighed. “It’s not like that. It’s purely a friend thing. If you can even call it that.”

Jolene began to sift through the pieces. “So why are you being so secretive?”

Because I know he’d scare you to death.
“He’s just not what you’d expect.”

“Hah, so it is a he! I knew it. And what do you mean?”

“He’s not a clean-cut, nine-to-five type,” Estelle replied.

“Why would I judge him on that?”

She shrugged
. Because he belongs to a freaking motorcycle club and doesn’t give a fuck about the norms of society.

“I know I’ve been overprotective recently, but I’m still your best friend. I want you to feel like you can come to me with anything.”

“I do. I mean, look at where we are,” Estelle said.

“True. This is it!” Jolene held up a red teddy with a bustier top and black lace overlay.

“That’s going to look fabulous on you,” Estelle said.

“Okay, I’ve got my outfit. What about you?”

“Me?” Estelle browsed the section. Her eyes caught sight of a pair of black boy shorts with handprints on the back. “Done.” Her thoughts drifted back to her support. He seemed the type to like things a little kinky. His big hands would probably be calloused and slightly rough. Her cheeks grew hot.
What the hell am I doing thinking about him like this?
They’d formed a kinship the night before, and she didn’t need to ruin it by catching a school girl crush. Still, she grabbed the panties and the set that said ‘it’s not gonna spank itself’. The thought of wearing the flirty underwear under her plain clothes gave her a thrill. She might not be having sex, but she could wear a ‘just in case’ set of undies. It was a small, silly thing, but it felt huge.