Christopher and Jaime (Pianos and Promises #1) (5 page)

“Just wait.”

He groaned in anticipation.

I thought it was the perfect time to give him my gift. I retrieved the “Happy Anniversary” bag and handed it to him.

I stayed snuggled up next to him as he opened it on my lap. First he pulled out the plans to what I thought was our dream house. I had been touring model homes and researching areas near Nashville. I knew he thought highly of the Brentwood area, so I focused my search there. I had found a terrific place with the perfect office space for him, including a beautiful open layout. They had large lots available that would afford a nice-sized backyard for the cutest five-year-old to run around in it.

He opened the folder with the floorplans, options, and pricing. He quickly shuffled through the papers. “What’s all this Jaimes?”

“It’s our future. I’m hoping you can take tomorrow morning off. I want to take you there on our way to pick up Allie. You’re going to love the office space. You should see the built-in bookshelves. Your grandpa’s old desk will look perfect in it.”

He didn’t say a word, he only reached back into the bag and pulled out the next item. He looked over the pink case. “You got me make-up.”

I sat up and smiled at him. “No. It’s my birth control pills, or the case.”

“That makes much more sense.”

I leaned in close and kissed his lips. “It’s empty. I took my last pill yesterday, so tonight we can get started on making that baby.”

He tensed up.

I leaned away from him and studied his face. There were no traces of the happy husband from minutes earlier. He looked shocked and appalled.

“What?” I arched my eyebrow. “You said two years and it’s been two years.” I did my best to warm him back up. I began to kiss his neck hoping he would join in on the fun, but he sat there, stiff as a board. “Chris?”

“Now isn’t a good time.”

“Of course it is. We’re outgrowing this place and we’re not getting any younger. And I can’t wait to have a little version of you and me.”

“Fine, we’ll look for a bigger place in this building.” His facial expression was pensive.

I tilted my head to the side and studied him for a moment. “I don’t want to move to another loft. Allie needs a place she can play outside and I want a space where I can give piano lessons. This house has the perfect spot for a grand piano.” I had almost saved enough money giving private lessons at each student’s home. Very inconvenient, but it was worth it.

“You can still give lessons.”

I ran my fingers through his hair. “Let’s talk about this tomorrow. Right now, I want you to take me to our room, or the couch or wherever you want and let’s see—”

“I don’t think I want another baby.”

My heart sank. I wasn’t expecting that at all. I stared into his eyes and shook my head in confusion. “Why did you change your mind?”

“Circumstances changed.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think one is enough.”

In one second, our relationship imploded. Everything I thought I knew about us, about him, was brought into question. “I’m not going back on the pill,” I whispered, determined. I hated the way they made me feel, and at the moment I didn’t care if he ever touched me again.

“That’s your choice.”

I sat stunned. I don’t know if he could have said anything more hurtful to me. Tears flooded my eyes, then brimmed over and down my cheeks. He made no attempt to comfort me or to apologize. He let me go when I stood up off his lap and, like a wounded animal, limped to our bedroom. I crawled into bed and curled up into myself. I physically ached. There was a real pain in my chest. In that moment, I knew we were over.

It didn’t take him long to follow me into our room, but he spoke no words of apology or tenderness. I could hear him scratching out notes in his journal. I knew he was awake long after he set his pen down and turned out his light. We both lay there in the dark, wrapped up in our own thoughts. My mind was consumed thinking about next steps and Allie. I wouldn’t give up my place in her life.

After an hour, I felt the lightest of touches on my back.

“I’m sorry I forgot about our anniversary. Pick anywhere and I’ll book a trip for just the two of us. We can go on the honeymoon we never got to take. And don’t worry about taking the pill, I’ll handle the birth control from now on.”

I left our bed then and there and never returned.

Dinner arrived via Hope. I was so hungry, hospital food looked good; and even worse, or better, it tasted good. I took small bites of the club sandwich as I watched the machines that were not only monitoring Chris, but keeping him alive. I thought about that night back in May. What had happened to the Chris I’d fallen in love with? The one who climbed trees with me, swung in hammocks on his grandparents’ porch, and talked all night long? The man who talked about family like it was the most important thing? That man didn’t exist anymore. He’d been replaced by a mere shell of who he used to be. He had changed, and I was so blinded by love that I refused to see it, but that night my eyes had been opened wide.

The morning after our anniversary, he’d left for the office to work his way through the week. I worked, too, getting my résumé up to par, and reaching out to any and all of my contacts. It was one of my student’s mother who gave me a lead on the position I was starting in three weeks. It wasn’t my dream job, but it was going to pay the bills, along with my private lessons. I had to spend more on a house than I wanted, but I had Allie to think about, and I wanted to be in a safe neighborhood. The house was darling, though not even close to the house I had picked out for all of us, but I realized that had only ever been a dream.

After I finished eating the hospital food and downing a large bottle of water, I made the mistake of looking in the bathroom mirror. My hazel eyes were red and lined, and the humidity that hung in the air was making my hair frizz. I did my best to smooth it out and pulled it back with a hair tie. I made my way to the small couch in the room and pulled the blanket around my thin body, trying to stay warm in the cool room. I held the journal in my hand and stared at it.

I’d already delved into his thoughts, and what else did I have to do? I knew sleep wasn’t coming anytime soon. It hadn’t for weeks.

This time I started at the beginning. I wanted to remember the boy I loved, but I feared his inner thoughts would obliterate that, too. I took my chances.

The first page was a note from his grandpa to him, I skipped over that, feeling it was too much of an intrusion, I’m not sure why. I was sitting there reading my soon-to-be ex-husband’s journal. How much nosier could you get? But out of respect for Grandpa C, I couldn’t.

He started right off using his journal like an outline. He was such a stay in the line kind of person. I should have known we were never meant for each other, but I used to think our differences were what made us work.

April 5

Bought Jaimes tickets to see Diana Krall.

Asked Audrey to prom.

Ordered tux. Looking fly.

Studied for AP calculus. I’m a genius.

He had always been full of himself, but I’d found it endearing back then. I don’t know why I was touched that his first entry was me. I was so excited to see Diana Krall in person; she’s an amazing jazz artist. When she played the piano, it was like listening to her soul. Chris never got her, but he took me anyway. It was the first time my parents let me go into Nashville unaccompanied by an adult. I guess technically we were eighteen, but we still felt like kids.

He wrote below his bullet points:

I’m still trying to convince Jaime to attend the University of Tennessee with me. I don’t know why she wants to be an Au Pair in France. I can’t believe her parents are letting her go. If it’s a matter of money, I talked to Gran and she said if that’s what Jaimes really wants they would work something out with her, but she’s being stubborn. She can see the world after she goes to school.

I had kept telling him it never worked out that way. Unlike him, I had to pay for my own education, and I would have been saddled down with student loan debt and never be able to travel like I had, unencumbered. In a weird turn of events, he’d ended up paying for some of my education. He paid off all my student loans after we were married. He did it without my knowledge. I still felt guilty about it, but he’d said he wanted to.

I skipped through the next pages as he droned on about preparing for finals and his graduation speech, Mr. Class President and Salutatorian. I think he was still ticked off that Tim Weismann beat him out for Valedictorian by a tenth of a percentage point. I skipped to the night, or should I say day, after our prom. It was the first entry without any bullet points or numbered lists.

I kissed Jaime. When did she get to be so beautiful? I wanted to rip Trevor’s hands off for touching her all night on the dance floor, and in the limo. Gran told me I should have taken her in the first place. Maybe she’s right, but if we date, we can never go back, and I don’t want to lose her as a friend. Granddad says girls like Jaime are the kind you take home to meet your parents. The kind you make commitments to. And if I wasn’t ready to be committed to her, that I should wait. Jaime deserved the best any man could offer, he said. Maybe when we’re older. I don’t know if I can wait.

He obviously found a way; he’d never lacked for female companionship.

I thought back to that summer as we tried to stretch out the days and make it last. I don’t think either one of us wanted to talk about our upcoming separation. We had been almost inseparable for six years, despite the fact we were teased about it in junior high and in high school we ran in different crowds—I hung out with the artists and drama kids, and he was the ultimate cool kid. But every day we ate lunch together and tried our best to get into some of the same classes. He went to the school plays with me, and I went to the sporting events with him. He never missed one of my recitals, and I cheered him on at soccer and basketball games. What happened to those days?

I just knew my heart was going to break when he and my parents took me to the airport. We held hands in the back of the car all the way to Nashville International. I was going to miss my parents, but I would ache for Chris. I held onto him the longest when they dropped me off at the curb. “Don’t go,” he whispered in my ear. I was tempted not to, but I wanted to get out of our small town and see the world. I had never even been on a plane until that day. I wanted adventure, and to experience life outside of Fayetteville or even Tennessee for that matter. And maybe outside of Chris. I hadn’t realized back then that perhaps he was feeling the same way I had—that he could possibly be my forever. I thought I was the cliché of a best friend falling in love, and he had sure been cozy with Audrey that summer.

I looked through his journal to see if he had any thoughts on my departure. I found this little snippet.

Jaime left today. I almost kissed her at the airport. Maybe I should have. I decided I should break up with Audrey before school starts next week. I’m surprised she hasn’t broken up with me. All summer she accused me of liking Jaime more than her. I never denied it. I like Jaime more than anyone. I especially like how she looked all summer in her lifeguard uniform. I don’t know why it took me so long to notice how hot her body is. I don’t even think she knows. Another reason I like her so much.

Nothing deep, but I didn’t know what I expected, he was eighteen. It did explain why he hung out at the pool every day that summer. I liked the way he looked in his swim trunks, too. I wondered what would have happened if we would have acted on those feelings then. And what changed for him?

I set the journal down and went back to staring at him. He began to stir some. Hope said he might and it was normal. She said patients in this state dream vividly and that he might be able to hear me.

I took the journal and blanket with me and sat near his bed. It was almost midnight and though I was exhausted, I wasn’t tired. I took Chris’ manicured hand in mine. He was more of a girl than me sometimes when it came to his grooming habits, but his nails and cuticles did look nice, and I always enjoyed the smoothness of his hands. We had held hands for so long that I had his hands memorized, right down to the small scar near his index knuckle on his left hand. The hand that still wore his grandfather’s gold band I had placed on it over two years ago. I wasn’t sure why he was still wearing it. I had given his grandmother’s ring back to him. We thought the rings would bring us luck. We were so wrong.

Chris had come home in the middle of the day at the end of June. We had barely spoken to each other since our disastrous anniversary in May. I was startled when I saw the door open. He never came home early, or even when the sun was still out. Allie was napping in her room and I was opening my own bank account online. I had just accepted my teaching position and I knew my piano money needed a home. Chris was always after me not to keep that kind of cash lying around, but it was a reminder of reaching my goal, it beckoned me on. But like everything else in my life, it was going to have to wait. I needed that money to fund my new goal.

“Hey, Jaimes.” He waited by the door for my response.

“Hey,” I said, more into my laptop screen than to him.

I guess that was enough incentive for him. He found his way next to me on the couch. “I have something for you.”

I gave him my attention. He looked so unsure of himself. I couldn’t recall if he had ever worn that expression before.

He reached into his suitcoat and pulled out some neatly folded papers and handed them to me. I took them and unfolded them. Right off, I recognized an online travel site logo. I scanned down to see he purchased a trip for two to Italy in August. It was on my bucket list. It was one of the places I hadn’t been able to visit during my Au Pair days.

I hated and loved him all at once for the gesture. I handed him back the papers. “I can’t go.”

He was taken aback. “Why? I already talked to Bianca’s parents and they can watch Allie.” I was surprised he made that arrangement.

Allie was a consideration, but . . . “I accepted that teaching position.”

“Why didn’t you say anything? What are we going to do with Allie after school?”

“I want to pull Allie out of the charter school we signed her up for. She can attend the school I teach at.” I never wanted to sign her up for it in the first place. They were strictly focused on the basics: reading, writing, and arithmetic. They didn’t have any art or music programs, but they were highly touted and right up Chris’ alley.

“Were you going to discuss any of this with me?”

“When do you discuss any of your decisions with me?”

His clenched jaw relaxed. “You’re right. I should be better about that.”

“Chris . . .” I set my laptop down and turned toward him. I tried my best to really look at him, to peer into his eyes to find any reason to stay, but I couldn’t forget the last couple of years, the memory of broken promises. So I removed his grandmother’s ring from my finger. I watched his eyes dilate and follow my every move, right down to me placing it in his hand. He refused to close his palm where the ring lay. He kept staring at it.

“I’m filing for divorce.”

“Don’t do this,” he pleaded, his eyes begging.

“Why?” I was waiting, hoping he would say he loved me—that might have given me some pause.

“What about Allie?”

The pit grew in my stomach. “I’m her mom; that not’s going to change. I want joint custody of her. I’m signing a lease for a small house near the school, so she’ll have somewhere to stay when I have her.”

“You rented a house already?”

“I’m moving in at the end of next month.”

“Well hell, Jaime, what else should I know about?”

“Lots of things, but none of them matter to you.” I stood up to leave, but he caught my hand.

“Jaimes, I’m trying to make up for what happened on our anniversary.”

“You don’t get it. I don’t want fancy trips. I love you, Chris. I’ve always loved you, but I can’t do this anymore.”

“I need you.” His eyes pleaded with me.

“I know. The problem is, you never wanted me.”

He hung his head and stared down at his grandmother’s ring.

“Next time, make sure you give that to someone you really love.” I walked off to call my attorney to let him know to proceed. Chris was served divorce papers the following week. And his five-hundred-dollar-an-hour lawyer had done his best to slow down the process ever since.

We spent those last few weeks together in a mostly silent abyss.

Now here I was, staring at my old life, the life I thought I wanted.

“Chris,” I whispered and squeezed his hand, “Why couldn’t you love me?”