Christopher and Jaime (Pianos and Promises #1) (9 page)

I stared at Chris until I could feel the red grittiness penetrate my eyes. My emotions were all over the place. Lots of why’s ran through my head. Like Bianca. On the surface I got it, she was gorgeous and oozed the kind of confidence that screamed sex appeal. She treated life like a courtroom and had a way of winning each case with Chris. But if he had his suspicions about her, why didn’t he ever say anything to me? We never kept secrets, except the one where I was in love with him, but he was the only one who never got that memo. And what about his job? He could have told me the truth. I would have been supportive. I would have used my small income from giving private lessons to help ease the situation, but he always told me that money was just for me. Why didn’t he ever tell me he loved me? I know I didn’t say it often, but it was only because when I did, his reply was usually to kiss me or sometimes he would say something like, “Of course you do,” or, “Right back at you.”

By five in the morning, I was on edge and so irritated with him I decided to call Beck.

“I’m sorry to call so early.”

“Ah, love, if you weren’t a taken woman, I would tell you how much I miss your wake up calls.”

“Beck . . .”

“I know, Jaime. I’ve always known who owned your heart.”

“I’m doing my best to get it back.”

“Are you sure you want to do that?”

“No.”

“So what can I do to help?”

He was too good. How I resisted his charms, I’ll never know. I glanced at Chris and there was my answer. “Do you think you could come and stay with Chris? I need to go home and be with Allie. And maybe try to get a few hours of sleep.”

“Do you want me to pick you up and drive you home?”

“I think I can manage.”

“I’ll come babysit the bugger and maybe give him a piece of my mind.”

“Thanks, Beck.”

“Anything for you.”

I knew he meant that.

I turned to Chris and took his hand. I pressed it up against my cheek. A few tears escaped. “This is it. You’re going to wake up today and we will go back to being apart. I’m still trying to figure out how I’m going to do that. You promised me it would all work out. You lied.” I kissed his hand and forehead. I wanted to lay in his arms one more time, or was that a lifetime? I didn’t want to leave him, but I had to. “I love you,” I whispered for the last time.

I reined in my emotions and walked to the parking garage. I stared at the car Chris had purchased and insisted I take with me. He offered me anything I wanted when I left, except what I wanted most, him.

I needed Allie . . . and sleep. Maybe my mind and heart would function better with both.

I walked into my small home. It was weird to have a real place of my own. It was dark and quiet when I crept in. I could see my mom asleep on the couch, so I snuck by her doing my best not to disturb her. I wasn’t ready to deal with her yet. I loved my mom, but we rarely saw eye to eye, especially when it came to Chris. Though they gladly accepted his generosity over the past couple of years when they needed it. Like when they had a pipe burst and water damaged their house. Insurance wouldn’t cover everything and Chris stepped in and paid the difference. And for Christmas last year he bought them all new kitchen appliances to replace their more than outdated ones.

I briefly thought back to last Christmas. I loved that day. He was home all of Christmas Eve and Day. We took Allie to see the ice show at the Grand Ole Opry complex. Then he and I stayed up all night talking and watching old Christmas movies, lik
e
Holiday In
n
an
d
White Christma
s
. It felt like old times. I remembered his smile when he opened up the scarf I had hand-knitted him. A smile that conveyed how he thought my insistence to make handmade gifts was odd, but he appreciated the effort. He wore it to work on cold days. He even pretended to love the traditional French feast I made of oysters and crab legs. I had needed those two days with him. Days where my Chris was present. Days where I felt wanted and loved.

I shook the thought out of my mind and tiptoed into Allie’s room. She was lying on top of her covers with the stuffed puppy her daddy had made with her at Build-A-Bear several months ago. Allie was such a little thing, like Bianca. While I was slender, I was only a few inches shorter than Chris’ six-foot frame. Bianca and I were complete opposites.

I knelt near Allie’s bed and admired her slumbering body. I was so tired I almost fell asleep there, but I made myself get up and take a shower. I would try and catch a few winks after Allie woke up and I fed her. We needed to get back to our routine before school and my new job started. The timing of all this was crazy. Not like it was ever a good time, but we were already in the midst of chaos before his accident. And who knew what his recovery would look like. The hospital staff wasn’t very forthcoming on timeframes. I supposed they were unsure.

The shower was quick. If not, I think I may have fallen asleep under the water’s soothing touch. I wiped away the steam from the bathroom mirror to find that my eyes showed the days and weeks of little to no sleep. There were dark circles forming under them. The red around the irises didn’t help, either. I wet a washcloth with cold water and took it with me to my bed where I laid it across my eyes. I needed all the help I could get.

I kept thinking about Chris’ journal as I lay there. I had placed it back in his briefcase where it belonged. I probably shouldn’t have pried. Or maybe I should have read some more, but I didn’t think my heart could take reading about his time with Bianca. But how could he have been with her? At least I knew he wasn’t aching for her while we were together. I had thought that was why he never said he loved me, or wouldn’t allow himself to fall in love with me.

I couldn’t escape the fact that he admitted to being in love with me. But that didn’t change that we wanted to walk different paths in life. I didn’t expect us to always be on the same one, but they needed to cross more often than they had. I didn’t have any delusions of him being an over the top family man, but I expected him to be my partner, friend, and lover. I had hopes of having a child with him, and experiencing that part of motherhood with him. I loved Allie as if she were my own, but she only fueled my desire to have more children, even just one more. I wanted to be pregnant and experience birth, to have a manifestation of our love in a tiny person that was a small piece of him and a little piece of me.

If he would have been honest with me from the beginning, I’m not sure if I would have turned him down. It would have given me pause, but I don’t think it would have stopped me from marrying him. But I couldn’t continue to be in a one-sided relationship. I had tried my best to be a good wife and show him how much I loved him. While he wasn’t cold or even distant, his focus wasn’t where it should have been.

Allie was up before I knew it and happy to see me. We snuggled on my bed while she recounted our time apart.

“I practiced the piano and painted.”

“I can’t wait to hear your song and see your picture.”

“The picture is for Daddy.”

“I’m sure he’ll love it.”

“Did he like sleeping with Benny?”

“Baby doll, Daddy is still asleep, but when he wakes up, he’s going to be happy Benny’s there. And as soon as they move him to a regular room, I’ll take you to see him.”

“I want to go today,” she whined.

“I know, but you are going to have to be patient.” Which was impossible for a five-year-old.

“Can you stay home?”

I kissed her sweet head. “I will for as long as I can.” Beck was going to keep me posted. They said it could take hours for him to wake up. That was, if they decided to try. I prayed his EEG looked good. I wanted him to have a familiar face to wake up to, and Beck was his closest friend. I used to hold that title. 

For breakfast we went the English route, eggs, fried tomato slices, and fried bread. Beck would be in heaven. He appreciated my knowledge of his country’s food. Chris, on the other hand, tried to be a sport about my cultural experimentations. However, he did like this particular breakfast as well as when I made croissants with chocolate in them. We usually had those on the weekends. I did my best to create traditions, to make the cold loft a home. At times I even thought I was succeeding.

Allie chattered while my mom and I listened. My mom kept looking over her coffee cup at me. Her eyes were saying
,
stay the course Jaim
e
.
You’ve moved out and filed for divorce. Use the degrees you went into all that debt fo
r
. Chris wasn’t my first life choice my parents didn’t agree with. FYI, I used my degrees every day parenting my daughter and teaching piano lessons. My education was not a waste.

“Why don’t you get some rest,” my mom suggested. “You look terrible.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“You know what I mean. Allie and I will make cookies.”

Unfortunately, I did know what she meant. She wasn’t the warmest of mothers.

“Yay!” Allie smiled.

I dragged myself to my room. I had yet to sleep in it or make my bed. But I was tired enough not to let it bother me that I was alone. I dropped onto the mattress pad and fell into a deep sleep void of dreams, which I appreciated. They were normally filled with Chris and depicted things like him drowning and I couldn’t save him, or he and Bianca together taunting me. I don’t know how long I slept, but when I woke up, all I wanted was more sleep. It felt like I was coming out of a drug-induced coma. But there was a buzzing that wouldn’t go away. I needed it to stop. I finally came to enough to realize it was my phone.

I fumbled for it in my bag near my bed. “Hello,” I muttered.

“Jaime, there you are.”

I could hear Chris in the background and he sounded upset. His voice didn’t sound right.

“Love, you need to get down here as soon as you can. Christopher is going mental asking to see you.”

“Don’t call her love,” I heard Chris say in a strangled voice.

“Quit being such an arse,” Beck scolded him. “Love, come quick.” He was taunting Chris, which wasn’t very nice under the circumstances, but at least Chris was okay enough to be coherent even while angry.

They warned me he could be aggressive and agitated when he woke up.

I sat up all the way in bed and ran my fingers through my hair. I’m sure it was in a state, but I was never one to try and impress anyone, even Chris. I figured people could take me or leave me for who I was. Besides, Chris had seen me at my best and worst. He still seemed to find me attractive.

When I slipped on my shoes, I found my nerves began to take hold. I hated that. Never once had I felt that way around him. There was always this comfort, like our souls had known each other forever. Severing that connection was proving to be almost impossible and it came with unforeseen consequences, like not knowing how to be around him. I knew I had to figure it out— Allie would forever connect us—but how was I going to let go when there was something deep inside of me tethered to him?

I held Allie to me extra-long before I departed, doing my best to avoid my mom’s gaze. No matter the outcome, she needed to get over her prejudice against Chris.

“Bye, baby doll. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“I wanna go.”

“I wish I could take you, but you aren’t old enough yet.”

She started to sniffle into my shirt.

I stroked her hair. “I love you whole lotsies.”

“I love you, Mommy.”

Better words could not have been spoken at that moment. I did my best to make sure they were the last words I heard. I got out a quick thanks and goodbye to my mom before hustling out the door into the simmering heat.

“Be careful,” my mom called. She had to have the last word. She wasn’t talking about driving safe.

I met Dr. Little by the nurses’ station before I headed into Chris’ room. It was a good thing. I needed to calm down before I faced him. My heart was beating out of control. Why was I so nervous? Chris and I knew each other in the most intimate of ways, I knew him better than anyone and I shared every part of myself with him. Until these past few months, I never held back. He always knew how I felt, even about Bianca. He knew my deepest, darkest secrets and that I had a tattoo, and where it was. He knew my desires and fears. Maybe that’s why I felt so on edge. My life had been an open book to him and now the final chapter was being written and I hated the ending. Our story was supposed to end with, “And they lived happily ever after,” not in a divorce decree.

“Mrs. McKay.”

I didn’t correct him. “How is he?”

I could tell he was doing his best not to grin. “His EEG patterns are normal and he’s able to communicate.”

“So I heard.”

His grin made an appearance. “He’s anxious to see you, but he’s sleeping now. Expect him to be in and out of consciousness for the next several hours, maybe even the next couple of days.”

“When do you think he can be moved to a regular room? Our daughter would like to see him.”

He paused for a moment. “If he continues to progress, I would say in the next forty-eight hours.”

I couldn’t hide the disappointment on my face.

“I’m sorry.”

“I understand.” Allie wasn’t going to. I took a deep breath and readied myself to see him. I walked at a sloth’s pace toward his room. I could see Beck through the sliding glass door and his smirk said he knew I was stalling. My fingers found their way through my thick, unbridled hair one more time before the doors opened.

“You made it this far, love.” He patted the seat next to him on the couch.

I joined him on the couch, but not too close. I never wanted to give him the wrong impression.

Beck smiled and his soulful green eyes joined in. “Maybe if I call you love loud enough, he’ll wake up and box my ears.”

We both turned toward Chris, who was now breathing on his own, though they still were giving him oxygen. It was good to see his face, though it looked pretty banged up. It was like the bruising had multiplied and oozed down his handsome face. He had more facial hair than I had ever seen him with. He still owned my heart and soul.

“How long has he been out?”

“Not long. Half hour. One minute he was threatening to fire me and beat the bloody hell out of me, and the next minute he had belted up. He has it in his head that I’m keeping you away from him.”

“So he’s disoriented?”

“A bit.” He tapped my nose. “No need to worry. I’m sure as soon as he sees your cracking face, he’ll come to his senses.”

I smiled, remembering the first time he’d said that to me. I thought he was putting me down, but cracking translates to stunning.

He reached out and put some of my hair behind my ear. “You really are too good for him. But he loves you and you’re good for each other.”

“No, he . . .”

Beck pressed a finger to my mouth and shook his head. “He’s loved you for as long as I’ve known him. Anyone could see that, except the two of you.”

“He loves me like a friend.”

“Are you having a laugh? That’s rubbish. I used to tell myself the same thing when we were seeing each other. And at times I believed it. You were so good at being one of the blokes that I think we both forgot at times that we were in love with you.”

When he talked like that he tore at my heart, because I knew I had broken his and I’d never meant to. I closed my eyes for a moment and breathed. “I don’t know what to do.”

He took my hand. “Our mate is going to have to step up his game.”

“Get your hands off my wife.”

I jumped when I heard those strangled words that sounded like a car driving across a gravel road, but they had come out of Chris’ mouth. Beck and I both turned to face him. He was struggling to keep his eyes open.

Beck, being Beck, laughed and kissed my cheek. “I’ll give you two some time alone.”

“You’re fired,” Chris barked.

Beck stood up and rolled his eyes. “I’d like to see how you would fare without me, mate.” Beck winked at me before exiting. We both knew Chris would never fire him.

My nerves were on high alert now that I was alone with my husband. I watched him grapple with himself to stay awake. I felt frozen in place.

“Jaimes,” he managed to get out.

My name on his lips bolstered my courage. I moved from the couch to the bedside chair.

He tried to reach out to me with his hand.

“Save your strength,” I whispered.

He reached again. “Jaimes, I’m so sorry.” He sounded like he was on the verge of tears.

I took his hand. “Just rest.” It hurt to listen to his rasping voice. I guess having a tube down your throat would have that effect.

“No. I need to tell you . . .” He dropped off and closed his eyes.

I held his hand and stroked it while I watched him in his fitful sleep. It was as if he was wrestling with himself.

While I watched him, Hope walked in to check on him. “Oh good, you’re here. Your husband was beside himself when he came to and you weren’t here.”

“That’s the rumor.” I half smiled.

She checked his blood pressure. “He was convinced your handsome friend was running off with you.” The way she said handsome gave hint to the fact she was interested in him.

I wasn’t surprised, the British accent was a magnet, and paired with his fine looks and charm, he was diabolical. Well, at least to most. I had Christopher disease, so I was immune.

“Is he going to recover?”

Hope’s look gave me hope. Her kind eyes peered into mine from across the bed. “His test results look promising, and judging by his outburst, I would say he’s going to make it.”

I nodded, grateful for the prognosis.

“Don’t be alarmed if he seems off for the next few days. It’s par for the course with head injuries and sedation.”

I smiled as confirmation to her reminder. I couldn’t take my eyes off Chris. I watched him for hours while he restlessly slept. Beck was in and out and finally went home late in the evening. Nurses came in often to check vitals, change IV bags, or administer medication intravenously. Several times he acted like he was going to wake up, but it was as if he didn’t have the energy to open his eyes.

I nodded off with my head resting on his bed. It was nothing like sharing a bed with him, but I would take the closeness while I could get it. I was awoken by Chris’ fingers in my hair. He loved my unruly locks. I slowly lifted my head to find his beautiful blue eyes open. He looked groggy, but there was more life to him.

He flashed a crooked smile. “You’re here.”

I sat up all the way and tossed my hair to the side. “Where else would I be?”

“How’s our bug?”

“She misses you.”

His eyes misted up. I had rarely seen him so emotional.

I laid Benny the cow next to him. “She wanted you to have this.”

A tear escaped from his eyes, making my own water.

“Jaimes, I screwed up.”

I didn’t disagree.

“I love you.” Despite not being able to speak well, he said it with conviction.

Tears rolled down my face. He did his best to reach up and wipe them away. His normally smooth hand felt dry, but I welcomed the touch.

“I want you to divorce me.”

I was startled by his statement. I pulled back and shied away from his touch.

He took my hand. “I want a redo.”