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Authors: Monica Drake; Chuck Palahniuk

Tags: #Fiction:Humor

Clown Girl (4 page)

BOOK: Clown Girl
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4.

Chance Pays the Karmic Bill; or, Give Chance Some Peace!

I WATCHED THE COP THROUGH THE RAGGED EDGE OF THE glassless window. Guilty or innocent, I couldn’t talk to a cop. Even when I knew that up close he’d smell like cinnamon, when his hair was a halo in the sun with pale streaks gleaming and golden as a wise man’s aura. Rex Galore wouldn’t talk to cops.

Herman, ex-boyfriend-turned-landlord, he’d say House Rule: No cops. Herman had long since lost his license for too many DUIs, and was busted for possession once. Low profile was Herman’s goal. In Herman’s house, I followed his rules.

The cop spun the urine-collection funnel on two fingers. He whistled the first bars of “Happy Trails.” Another spin and the funnel whirled off the ends of his fingers, whizzed past his face and over his shoulder. “Whoa!” he said. The funnel landed like a Frisbee in the dust. Good thing it wasn’t his gun—Happy Trails indeed. The dry ground of the empty lot made dust storms on the heel of each step as he walked, picked up the funnel, and kept going. His pants were too long. The cuffs dragged at the back of his shoes. He was probably single.

I needed that funnel.

I followed the cop for a block, creeping close along the wall. He swung the funnel loosely, like a briefcase. I willed him to toss it into a Dumpster or leave it alongside a recycling bin, but he didn’t stop until he reached his cop car.

He opened the door and put the funnel in the backseat. He dropped into the front seat, heavy and hot. When he pulled away from the curb, I gave up—what else?—and walked my own direction toward Baloneytown, to my room in Herman’s house. That urine funnel lasted in my hands for less than half a day.

 

REX GALORE’S USED AMBULANCE WAITED IN FRONT OF Herman’s house like a faithful dog for Rex to come home. The ambulance waited the way I waited—stalled out and nearly abandoned some would say, though I tried to see it otherwise: the ambulance and I, we waited with patience.

It was an old style retro Travellall ambulance, bought cheap at the county auction. Long and low, it was the same design as a hearse only two-tone, red and white instead of black, a hearse of another color. The side windows were sandblasted with a pebbled fog in white stripes. Crosses marked the windows closer to the front. Gray plastic shades, meant to shelter a patient, were pulled now to hide piles of costumes, props, and gag tricks. That ambulance was our own little
chapiteau
, Rex’s and mine, our collapsible, expandable mobile circus. I patted a swiveling chrome mirror, then made my way up the side yard.

Baloneyville Co op
it said, on a wooden sign over Herman’s front door. My room was the mudroom, off the kitchen in back. I opened the back door, heard a screech. The first thing I saw was the muscled, nearly naked body of Herman’s new girlfriend—Natalia, Nadia, or Italia, whatever her name was. She was doubled over and laughing, knees pressed together, ready to piss her miniskirt.

Nadia-Italia, obviously wasted, snorted and stamped a booted foot. Her thighs were thick, her laugh loud. Below the thin string of knotted halter top, her bare back was the blue cascade of a tattoo, the peacock swirl of a geisha in a kimono at a waterfall. Muscles flexed under the tattoo, under her skin, over her ribs, like shifting glaciers. The weight of her foot shook the floor, the house, my nerves.

My little black dog, Chance, ran full speed in circles around Nadia-Italia. It was a scene torn from a circus poster: The Strong Lady and the Dancing Cub! Chance scooted under the kitchen table and back out, hind legs tucked in tight for speed. Gadzooks! She slid through a pile of newspapers, knocked over her water dish, and kept running.

I said, “What’s up?” I put the plastic jug and what was left of my Green Drink on the counter. “What’s wrong with Chance?”

Nadia-Italia straightened, eyes wet with tears, she laughed that hard. She snorted again, then tossed her head like a horse. “Look who’s home. Little Miss Clown Girl, everybody’s favorite tramp.” Her hair stood up in three tufts of bleached pigtails, each pigtail tied with yellow yarn. “Our own Shirley Temple for the next Great Depression.” She kicked a juggling ball into the wall and the ball ricocheted. Chance ran at the ball, fell, slid, bounced off the wall like a juggling ball herself.

Herman sauntered in from the living room. “Your dog’s OK, just wasted. It’s my stash that’s down. I ought to charge you for the loss.”

I said, “You fed my dog pot? You’ll make her brain damaged!”

“We didn’t brain damage your dog,” Italia said. She rolled her eyes and caught her breath, one hand still tugging on the pigtail. “You’re catastrophizing, chick.”

Herman tapped the ash off a smoke into a dirty coffee cup on the kitchen counter. His skin was the amber glow of whiskey, eyes tobacco brown. Everything about him was calm. Usually, I liked his calmness. His calmness was the reason we still lived together, technically speaking.

I lunged as Chance scrambled past. I said, “Settle.” Then, “Ettle-say.” She was half-fluent in pig latin, but apparently not that half. With a second swing, I caught her. In a crouch, I held Chance by the loose skin on the back of her neck, and she went limp as roadkill. She panted like mad, her mouth split in a wide dog grin, a Hieronymus Bosch creature. “She’s fried—Herman, you let her feed my dog pot? I’m gone for one night, and my dog’s a lab experiment?”

Herman rolled a honeydew melon along the counter. He found a carving knife. “It was an accident, OK? The dog was hungry, found a bag I’d been counting out. Only a gram, two at most.” He rested his smoke on his lower lip, pushed aside old papers and empty cups on the cluttered counter, and, with a squinted eye, used both hands to push the knife through the melon. “If you’d been around to feed her, she wouldn’t have eaten the stuff,” he said.

The melon fell in two pale green halves.

I cradled my dog. “A couple grams?” When I stood, my head was last to find its way, spinning and bloodless. I put a hand to the wall for balance, propped Chance against my hip like a sack of dog food, a clown-and-canine
pietà
. I said, “This dog is twenty-two pounds. Enough pot, you’ll kill her.”

That dog was my sidekick, a showstopper in training. My big Chance. I couldn’t have a clown dog that drooled and stumbled, and not on command, canine mind blown, in diapers, handicapped by the herb. Her only trick then would be the famous egg-in-a-frying-pan routine, that omelet dance of a brain on drugs. I reached for the phone, hit three buttons for local information.

Herman grabbed for the phone, but I swung Chance to one side and jammed the phone against my stomach. He wrapped his arms around me and the dog, came from both directions, pressed the button on the receiver down with one big thumb. “That dog found the pot,” he said. “On her own. I’m not going to lose my income over a dog’s ganja habit.”

I wheezed under Herman’s hug. My head crackled, vision narrowed. “Poison Control isn’t the cops. It’s for health stuff. They want people to call.”

“Sure, to turn themselves in.” Herman’s breath was smoky, close to my face. His heavy breathing and sweat were all too familiar, from the old days when we were a couple, as were his hands, sticky now with the summer sweetness of honeydew melon. I dropped to my knees and made a tight ball around the phone. Under one arm I still held the drooling, zoned-out throw rug of Chance.

“Let go,” I said. “I have a right to call.”

His ponytail fell forward, over my shoulder. “Give me the phone, Nita.”

I was under a tent of Herman, breath, body, and smell. Our history. Then he let go. Stepped away. I dialed.

“Jesus,” he said and unplugged the phone at the wall. He tossed the cord. “No calls to Poison Control. And no cops. Not while you live here.”
In my house
. That’s what he wanted to say.

Herman had no idea how close I’d come to the cops. That gilded, golden officer, with his glass of water. “Poison Control doesn’t report to the cops,” I said again.

Out of breath, Herman reached for his cigarette and took a drag like the smoke would settle his breathing. As he exhaled with a B-flat wheeze, he said, “I’ll tell you what. We’ll fix her up.” He took another drag. “In the bathroom. There’s a brown bottle.” He waved a hand toward the hall. “Hydrogen peroxide. Two table-spoons and your Chance’ll be good as new.”

Natalia-Italia, behind him, cranked open the top on a can of sardines. She held one fish up by its tiny tail and slid the fish into her mouth. Comfort food.

Dog drool ran in a thin line over my arm to the floor. “Really?”

He nodded, and smoked like his lungs were starved, like he’d gone too long without, as though smoke were scarce and necessary. In a cloud of smoke he said, “First she’ll vomit, then she’ll be good as new. Trust me. I know how to detox, right? She just ate the stuff, like minutes ago.”

“You’ve done this before?”

He said, “My old dog ate drugs all the time. I fixed her up.”

I ran my hand over Chance’s dark hair. “Where’s that dog now?”

Natalia slid another headless, glistening bristling sardine between her lips. She leaned against Herman’s sweaty shoulder. Herman said, “She lived a long life, OK? Now go, before your dog digests the stuff. It won’t work digested—time’s wasting.” He shook Italia off.

I took Chance down the long, dark hall. Herman kept our house dark. That’s how they catch pot growers, he said, by the high electricity bills. He knew things like that, like how to do drugs and how to clean up, how to pass a urine test and how to walk a straight line. Maybe how to detox a dog.

I tripped on one of Italia’s barbells and banged an elbow and Chance against the wall. The dog didn’t flinch. Since Italia moved in, the house was crowded with free weights, sweaty spandex, and dirty towels. Instead of our old couch, her weight bench sprawled in front of the TV.

I sat Chance on the bathroom counter and tipped her head back. Her eyes rolled and showed a sliver of white at the edge like new moons. I poured hydrogen peroxide down her open throat. In seconds she arched her back, opened her mouth, and curled her long tongue. She made a prehurl urp-noise, eyes big now. “Put her in the tub,” Herman yelled from the kitchen. “Once you give her the stuff, put her in the tub.”

I picked her up like a child and carried her to the tub, her mouth working over a silent stammer. I sat on the side of the tub and ran my hand through her fur. My lovely, silky Chance, sweet dark-eyed stray. “You’re OK, baby,” I said, and hoped it was true. Her legs went stiff as a seizure; her nails trembled against the porcelain. She slid into a skittering dog dance. I steadied her with a hand to her belly.

When she opened her mouth again and heaved, her stomach grew small and her ribs barreled out, tight under the fur. What came from her mouth wasn’t liquid but white foam thick as shaving cream, dense as Fix-A-Flat, flecked with the earthy green bits of Herman’s harvest.

Between the gargle of vomit, she chomped her mouth open and closed, open and closed. The whole show was ripe for a ventriloquist act:
A clown and a poodle walk into a hash bar…

Herman came from the dark hall and leaned against the bathroom door. He flipped the overhead lights off, turned a small night-light on. “That’s the way,” he said. “That’ll bring a dog down.” He took a bite from a slice of honeydew in one hand, and held a fresh cigarette in the other. Melon juice dripped off his fingers. The honeydew melon and the cigarette, the clean taste of fruit spoiled by ashes—that was exactly the way Herman had always been, why we once got together and why I broke us up; he was all contradictions.

Chance filled the tub with pot-spiked meringue, her stoner snowdrifts. I ran a hand over her shivering back. “Hang in there, sweets,” I said, quietly.

“So, Nita,” Herman said. “Where you been, anyway? Looking a little ravished.” He took a drag on his smoke, his best friend and pacifier.

I kept my eyes on shivering Chance. “I’m sure you mean ravishing.” It wasn’t Herman’s business where I slept, even when I slept at the hospital.

“Yeah, that’s right. Clown date?” Herman said.

Nadia came up behind him in the doorway, a barbell in one hand, a half-eaten banana in the other.

“Funny, I could ask you the same thing,” I said. I turned on the water to wash away white drifts of vomit. Chance scrambled to the far end of the tub. She slipped. I caught her.

A gentle world. Nice. A safety net, that’s what my baby dog and I needed.

Instead, Chance was a Christmas tree flocked in her own fake snow. Behind Herman, Nadia-Italia raised the barbell with one hand and looked over his shoulder. “Ought to save that stuff. Recycle the drugs, right?” she said.

If I had Italia’s muscles, I’d be a clown extraordinaire. I’d defeat physics by defying gravity, no doubt. Italia only used her muscles to build more muscles, until she was made of knotted lumps of stone.

My plan was to get out of there.

The clown money was my ticket out of Herman’s house and down to San Francisco, to Rex. I’d leave Baloneytown in the dust. Maybe I’d go to Clown College too. Then I’d sleep in the master bedroom, not the mudroom, right? Ta da!

House Rules would be our rules, Rex’s and mine. I’d have my own family again, not a makeshift sideshow.

When Chance slowed her vomit production to nil, I wrapped her in a towel and carried her against my shoulder like a colicky baby. On the way to my room, I stopped to plug the phone back into the wall.

“Hey—who’re you calling?” Herman said. “The dog’s good as new.”

She was droopy and wild-eyed, hardly
new
. “Rex,” I said. “Or is Clown College one more joint in the long arm of the law?” Like, the long rubber arm. I pushed past Herman and closed the mudroom door. The phone cord fell easily underneath. The room was hot and humid, musky with dog hair and breath; Chance panted in the summer sun. Along with the wet-dog smell, the room was ripe with the dizzying whiff of turpentine and the heavy linseed oil scent of paint that drifted from brushes kept in plastic bags.

Two of the walls in the mudroom were made of small squares of glass, floor to ceiling windows, and magnified the heat. The sun came in from behind a tree and made a shadow-puppet show of leaves and branches against the wall. I put the Green Drink and orange plastic jug on a shelf, where I had my own little altar to St. Julian the Hospitaller, patron saint of clowns, fiddlers, murderers, and pilgrims. As a part of the altar I stacked change from my pockets. I piled business cards of the men who asked me out, my audience and fan club.

BOOK: Clown Girl
3.71Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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