Defective (The Institute Series Book 3) (24 page)

Arms are suddenly pulling me away from Jayce and into another hug. Shilah’s grip is deathly, and he’s squeezing so hard I think my ribs are being crushed.

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” he says, pulling back and examining my face which I’ve only just remembered wouldn’t look too good from the beating Zac gave me. It’s not too painful, but I’m sure I look hideous.

“How’s Tate?” I ask. “Can I go see him?”

“He was just given more pain meds, he’ll be out of it for a while, but he’s okay. You two will have matching battle scars,” he says with a smile. “I saw what was about to happen but didn’t get to them in time. Tate heard me shout his name at the last second and moved, but the bullet nicked his left shoulder.”

I reflexively reach up to touch my right shoulder, running my finger over my scar where I was shot when Chad was killed.

“That’s what that mark is?” Jayce asks, lightly brushing over it with his hand and down my arm. It sends tingles down my spine so fierce I actually shudder.

Shilah looks at him and then back at me.

“Oh. Jayce this is my brother, Shilah. Shilah, Jayce.”

Shilah nods. “Tate’s told me about you. I wish I could say my sister had, but she’s kept pretty tight-lipped about you.” He gives me a less than pleased look, smirking at me.

“Well it’s not like I could tell you about my boyfriend in front of my fiancé. Wow, does that sentence make me sound like the worst person ever.”

Shilah and Jayce laugh. “It’s not like he was really your fiancé though,” Shilah reassures me.

“I know that should make me feel better, but it kind of doesn’t.”

“Lia!” I hear Nuka yell from down the hall as she comes barrelling towards me.

“Shh, Nuka, this is a hospital,” I say, winking at her to let her know I’m only saying it to make people think I’m scolding her. She smiles as she runs towards me. As I kneel down, she runs into my arms, and I give her a big hug, but it doesn’t seem like enough in our current situation.

“Linds told me you got away from the bad man and was hiding. I’m happy you don’t have to hide anymore. Now you can be here with me and Daddy.”

I mouth ‘thank you’ to Linds for not telling her where I really was, but then look back down at Nuka and realise I’m going to have to be the one to tell her that her daddy is never going to wake up.

“Do you know what happened to your daddy?” I ask.

She nods before looking down at her feet. “He was shot, but it’s okay, because you were shot and you’re fine now.”

I lead Nuka over to some chairs, away from the others who are talking amongst themselves on the other side of the waiting room. We sit as I hold her hands in mine. I take in a deep breath as I begin to contemplate how to break this kind of news to a child.

“Do you remember when I got shot?” I ask.

“I remember visiting you in the hospital.”

“Well, I was shot in my shoulder, so that’s why I’m okay. Your daddy wasn’t shot in the shoulder.”

“Where was he shot?”

“He was shot somewhere that couldn’t be fixed.”

“But he’s going to be okay?”

My nose starts running, my eyes begin to overflow, but I tell myself to be strong for her. “Do you remember my friend Chad?”

“Daddy said he died, and that’s why you’re always upset.”

“I’m upset because I can’t see Chad anymore.”

“Why not?” she asks with the kind of innocence only a child could possess.

“When someone dies… it means they’re no longer with us. We can’t see them or talk to them anymore because they’re gone.”

“Did Daddy die?”

“You know the machines in his room, the ones that are beeping and making lots of noise?” She nods as I continue to talk. “They’re living for him. They’re breathing for him. So when the machines are turned off, he won’t be able to live anymore.”

“Why are they being turned off?”

“The machines?” I stall.
How in the world do I answer this?

She nods again, staring up at me with glassy eyes.

“They need to be turned off because he’s not going to wake up.”

She’s silent in thought. I don’t know if she really understands what’s happening, or if she’s just trying to process it all. Leaning in, I hug her and don’t let her go until she tells me to.

It takes a long time, but she eventually wriggles out of my arms.

“Do you want to go and say goodbye?” I ask, my voice cracking slightly.

She nods.

Taking her hand in mine, I nod to the others to let them know where we’re going, and lead her to Paxton’s room. I don’t let go of her hand, and she never once tries to let go of mine.

“You can talk to him. He can hear you,” I say, even though I’m pretty sure he can’t anymore. His mind is blank. She just shakes her head. “You want me to do it for you?”

She nods.

“Nuka wants you to know, that you are the best daddy in the whole world. She doesn’t want you to leave, and she loves you very much.” I don’t take my eyes off her as I talk.

“I don’t want you to go, Daddy,” she says as tears overflow onto her cheeks. “But Lia says that you have to. I’ll miss you every day.”

She’s doing a remarkably good job at holding it together. I, on the other hand, am about to lose it. Nuka doesn’t deserve this, even if Paxton does.

There’s no response in Paxton’s brain, no thoughts, nothing.

The alarm on the machine starts beeping madly at us. Doctors and nurses rush in, pushing us aside and telling us to step out while they work on Paxton. I want to tell them there’s no use. I know he’s gone.

***

Linds offers to take Nuka for a while, so I can get home and have a much needed shower and sleep. Jenna drives Jayce and me to my apartment, all three of us silent for the whole trip.

I overheard Jenna talking to her boss on the hospital phone, saying that their investigation on Paxton is essentially dead now that he’s gone. I cringed at her choice of words, but to be fair, she didn’t know I was eavesdropping.

“Thanks for the lift,” I say as we pull up. Jayce goes to get out of the front passenger side when I put my hand on his arm. “You don’t need to come up, I’ll be fine.”

“I’m not leaving your side ever again,” he replies, getting out of the car and shutting the door.

“I didn’t realise he could be so bossy,” I say to Jenna.

She laughs. “I think it’s a new trait he’s developed since meeting you.”

“Hmm, that’s not exactly a good thing.”

“Yes, it is. Jayce has always been kind of… wish-washy, a flake. He hasn’t cared about anything enough to commit to it. Until you.”

Jayce taps on my window. “Coming?”

I say goodbye to Jenna, and open the door, taking Jayce up to Paxton’s and my apartment.
What’s going to happen to the apartment now?

We barely even talk. We don’t need to. I shower first, changing into pyjamas and jumping into bed while Jayce showers after me.

I’m vaguely aware of the bed sinking a little under the weight of Jayce’s body. His hand rests on my hip, his body spooning mine, but I’m far too tired to acknowledge him.

I’m awoken by voices coming from the living room.
Who’s here?
I squint my eyes and look at the time, realising it’s early evening and we slept the entire afternoon.  Jayce’s side of the bed is cold, he isn’t beside me anymore. I strain my ears and hear him talking to someone… is that… Mum’s voice?

Jumping out of bed a little too quickly, I find myself having to hold onto the bed to stop me from falling as the dizziness hits me. Quickly throwing on some black jeans and a white singlet, I rush into the living room, coming to a sight I couldn’t have imagined. Mum and Dad are sitting on the couch, facing away from me. Drew, Ebb, Jamie, and Jayce are standing near the entrance elevator talking. Shilah and Liam are on the opposite couch to Mum and Dad. Shilah’s eyes meet mine when I enter, but Liam’s too busy playing with his toy to notice me.

Mum and Dad follow Shilah’s gaze and stand when they see me. Dad rushes over to me, hugging me tightly.

“I’ve missed you so much,” he says in my ear.

Mum approaches me cautiously, glancing at her feet, then meeting my eyes. “How are you doing?” she asks quietly, glancing away again.

I know I shouldn’t be angry. They’re here, making an effort. I screwed up, I know that. Now is my chance to apologise, but this insane rage I have building up inside of me won’t let me let it go. “Really? You don’t talk to me for five…” I start counting, “six, seven months, and that’s the best you can come up with?
How am I doing?
” I have the attention of the whole room now. “Well let’s see. The person you shipped me off to live with was a narcissistic, manipulative jerk who controlled me to get what he wanted. You didn’t check on me once to see how I was doing. The only time you did call was after Jayce spoke to you about me, but I didn’t get that message because apparently Paxton had been intercepting all of my calls. Then…what else… oh, I just spent the last twenty-four hours being kidnapped, tormented, and then arrested, only to be released to go to the hospital and find out Paxton didn’t make it. So now I’m suddenly going to be the parent of a six-year-old girl. I think that pretty much sums everything up. How are you doing, mother?”

I’m breathing heavy after my rant. My mother stares me up and down, and I just stare right back at her, unflinching.

“Maybe this was a mistake,” she says to Dad. “I don’t think she’s ready.” She goes to walk off but doesn’t get far.

“Ready for what?” I ask through gritted teeth.

Shilah stands up from the couch, picking Liam up with him. “It doesn’t matter if she’s ready anymore, Mum. She needs to know before she…” he looks over to Jayce and then back at me… “gets in too deep.”

“What are you talking about?” I ask Shilah while glancing at Jayce.

Drew, Ebb, and Jamie are just staring, wide-eyed and quiet.

Dad grabs my hand, leading me over to the couch. “It has to do with your memory.”

I close my eyes and hang my head as my stomach sinks.
This is it.
They’re going to tell me what deep down I already know. I’ve just been too scared to acknowledge the possibility.

I have to force myself to look over at the child in Shilah’s arms. My breath hitches in my throat, and my chest heaves as I start hyperventilating. There’s no mistaking who he is. The blond hair, his hazel eyes – he looks nothing like Shilah or me. When I look at him, all I see is a ghost.

“Allira—” my mother starts, but I cut her off.

“I know Liam is mine.”

Chapter Nineteen

Liam
is
mine. “William,” I say. “Named after his father.” I’m still looking at William, snuggled happily into his uncle’s chest.
Uncle. Not brother.
“What kind of mother wants to forget her own child? Why did I do this?” I whisper frantically.

“Mother?” Jayce blurts out before shrinking back into the couch, embarrassed by his outburst.

“You okay, Jayce? You’re looking a little pale,” Drew says, a small smirk on his lips.

“Lia,” Mum says slowly. “What exactly do you remember?”

“I don’t remember anything. I just… it’s hard to explain. I just know. Apart from William looking like the spitting image of Chad, I’ve always wondered about that morning I walked out of my room and asked whose kid we were babysitting. The look on your face and Dad’s, your reaction, it was… weird. The more I thought about it, the more I realised why you reacted the way you did. But I didn’t want to acknowledge it. I couldn’t. I’ve had this tremendous amount of guilt over Chad as it is, I couldn’t add the guilt of what I did to William on top of that. I told myself that he was yours so many times, I almost believed it.
Almost.
”

“When Liam was born—”

“William,” I correct my mother reflexively.

She lets out a little laugh. “You never did like us calling him Liam.”

I gape at her. I don’t remember that. I don’t remember anything to do with him. Again I ask, “Why? Why did I do it?”

“You were doing fine… well relatively fine, up until he was born. We don’t know if it was post-partum depression, or delayed PTSD from the shooting, but you kept looking at him and muttering that he looked too much like Chad. That it was too painful, that you couldn’t do it.”

“So you just
let
me cover it up? Sent me away to… to what?”

“We sent you away to give you space,” Dad answers for her. “You needed to heal without the constant reminder of losing Chad. That’s what William was for you – just another reminder of what was lost.”

“We knew having you around William wasn’t good for you, or for him. Not in the state you were in,” Mum says. “You left a note before you erased your memory, saying that he’d be better off without you as a mother. You said you were doing it for him, but I think we all knew that you needed it for yourself, too.”

I shake my head at what I’m hearing. “You told me I was trying to erase memories of Chad. I thought I’d screwed it up somehow.”

“Your note said you were going to erase all memories of Chad, knowing that it’d mean you’d forget who Liam was,” Mum says. “Sorry, William,” she corrects when I glare at her. “That’s going to be hard to get used to. Anyway, something did go wrong, and you only managed to wipe out your memory of William instead. In the end we thought it best to just give you time.”

I feel sick to my stomach, guilt coursing through me like adrenaline.

“You don’t need to feel guilty, Allira,” Drew says. “You’re not a bad parent. If anything, you did the right thing by William. You knew you weren’t fit to be a mother, so you left him with the two people you knew to be great parents.”

“Who else knows? Oh my god, Belle! That’s why she was suddenly nice to me. I’m the mother of her grandson. Has she seen him? Has Chad’s dad seen him?”

“They’ve visited him, yes, but they don’t know what you did. We were worried she’d try to take William to the Resistance with her and claim that you were an unfit mother. Whenever she came to visit us, we told her you weren’t up to seeing her after what happened with Chad.”

“When we went to the Resistance last week, and she mentioned Liam, I thought you were going to realise what she meant,” Drew says. “But you had bigger issues to worry about, and didn’t think much of it.”

“And you all vowed to never tell me?” I ask.

“We always planned to tell you,” Mum says. “When you were ready to hear it.”

“Why now?”

“Shilah told us about Nuka. You really have to think about your own responsibility before taking on someone else’s. I know you think we haven’t been checking up on you, but we have more pairs of eyes watching over you than you’d expect. I call Aunt Kenna every other day asking how you’re going. Shilah’s been keeping us updated, Ebb, Drew, we even got an earful from Jayce about how well you’ve been doing.” She smiles over at him.

When I look over at Jayce, he’s green. It’s been a long twenty-four hours for both of us.

“So what happens now?” I ask Mum and Dad.

“We’ll be here for you, whatever you decide. If you want us to keep looking after William, we will. We just thought that before you take on Nuka, you may want to think this whole thing through,” Mum says.

I rub my hand over my face. “Nuka has no one else,” I state quietly.

“William should have his mother, though,” Ebbodine finally speaks.

“Two kids,” I mutter. “
Two
.”

“We’ll be there to help any way we can,” Mum says, putting a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “We could even discuss the possibility of taking Nuka for a while, or … I don’t know … whatever you need, we’ll be here. It was so hard to watch you go through what you went through. We didn’t know what to do, and you wouldn’t let us help you. Please let us help you now.”

A rush of warmth fills me as I take in my mother’s words. We haven’t had much of a relationship over the years, and just when I thought things would get better, they got worse because of my stupid actions. Yet here she is, by my side, like I never thought she would be. She’s always looked out for me, even though I never saw it that way.

William’s fallen asleep against Shilah’s chest. Tears fall again as I realise how much I’ve missed of his life, how much I don’t remember. “Is he…?” I swallow hard.

“He hasn’t shown any symptoms. But he’s only nine months old,” Mum answers.

Inexplicable relief washes over me. I know it doesn’t matter either way if William is Defective or not – not to me, but I guess there’s a big part of me that doesn’t want him to have to face the same struggles that the rest of us do.

“How is he even possible?”

“Uh, Allira, if you don’t know that, I think we have bigger problems,” Drew says.

Mum sighs at him before answering me properly. “It’s actually a miracle William survived at all. All that we could figure was you had conceived a day or two before Chad died. You were shot, your body was in shock, you’d lost a lot of blood, and yet the embryo still attached anyway. Your bloodwork after the shooting didn’t indicate pregnancy, it was too early to detect. It wasn’t until a few weeks later that you realised you hadn’t had a period, and it was a few more weeks after that before you told anyone. Aunt Kenna almost couldn’t believe it when you had a sonogram showing a healthy eleven-week-old foetus.”

“You were almost happy when you found out,” Dad adds. “You said it was Chad’s way of making sure he didn’t leave you completely. But then William was born, and it was just too hard for you.”

“How can I ever forgive myself for what I’ve done?” I ask no one in particular. “How will he ever forgive me?”

“Stop beating yourself up,” Jayce says. My eyes dart over to him in surprise, and angst.
What about us? What will happen to Jayce and me?
He breaks eye contact with me and flicks between looking at me and the floor as he continues to talk. “I told you once before that people do some really crazy stuff while they’re grieving. This isn’t your fault. You did what was best for you and for William. I have no doubt about that. You needed this time apart to heal. But now you need to make a choice. What are you going to do now you know the truth?” His leg bounces with nerves, not to mention the uneasy feeling I can sense through Drew’s ability.

I’m speechless. I don’t know what I’m going to do. All I can focus on right now is the guilt.

“Stop it,” Drew says. I scowl at him.

“I think I need some air,” I say, standing and rushing out of the room.

Making my way outside, up the external stairs on the balcony, I go to my spot on the roof I found a few months back and stare out at the darkening city before me. I haven’t been up here in a while. When I first moved in here, I’d come up here a lot. It was therapeutic. I’d look into the belly of the city and make up stories of people I’d see walking the streets below, or the people who left their curtains open giving me a view right into their lives.

I don’t understand how people think that just because they’re twenty or so floors up, they don’t need to close their blinds. Uh,
hello
, there are other buildings just as tall, and close enough for easy viewing access.

Making up stories about other people’s lives made me feel better about myself. Sometimes I’d give them all happy stories – usually when I needed to have some sort of faith that everything could be right with the world. Other times I’d wonder how many people they’d lost in their lives, how many mistakes they’d made.

The sun has just set, the city lights beginning to brighten the sky. Today I look for families on the street and wonder how they came to be a family. Did they all freak out when they found out they were going to be a parent? That they
are
a parent?

I guess that’s the difference between me and them. I don’t have months to come around to the idea of being a parent. I already am one.
Bam,
life changed forever.

I still can’t stop wondering what kind of mother abandons her two-month-old child.
What kind of mother abandons her nine- and eight-year-olds?
My inner voice has a point. But I know when Mum disappeared for eight years, she was doing it for us. Can I really say the same?

I give in to my emotions and let myself cry. The tears continue to come long after I thought possible. I’m sitting in a ball on the ground when Jayce finds me. He wraps my black jacket around me. I didn’t realise how cold I was until I feel its warmth.

“Really stupid question here, but, are you okay?”

“Sorta?” I choke out.

“Was that a question?” he asks, sitting on the ground next to me.

“I don’t know.”

“Pretty crazy, huh?” he says after a lengthy bit of silence.

“There’s the understatement of the century.” We both manage a smile. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I didn’t know for sure. I think a big part of me always knew, but I didn’t want to deal with it. I couldn’t.”

“Want to play the Top Three game again? Your biggest three problems – go.”

I breathe in and hold it, only letting it out when I begin talking. “One: I just found out I’m the mother of a nine-month-old boy. That in itself is enough to elicit a panic attack. Two: My dead fake fiancé left me with his very real six-year-old daughter. Three: And this is the biggest issue I’m having right now, I’m scared that this is all too much for you, and that I’m going to lose you because I can’t turn my back on either of
them
. I just can’t. When you told me you loved me this morning, I’m sure ‘instant family’ isn’t exactly what you had in mind. It certainly wasn’t for me. But if you’re willing… we can make this work.” I say warily.

He doesn’t respond, no nervous twitch, no narrowing of the eyes. He’s almost like a statue.

I realise the kind of pressure I’m putting on him, and begin to backpedal. “Look, we still don’t really know each other all that well. We still have so much to learn. So in light of that, I’m giving you a ‘no hard feelings’, easy out. If you want it. It’s okay. I understand.”

He stands, making his way over to the cement railing that faces the city. There’s a brief moment of hesitation before I stand to follow him.

“I’m not going to lie to you,” he says without turning to look at me next to him. “When I found out about Nuka, I freaked out a little. I know you know that, you could hear it in my thoughts. And then to find out about William as well… I just … it’s a lot to take in.”

“I know. It’s a lot for me to take in, too, but coming up here and clearing my head, I’ve realised that I can’t run from this anymore. I’ve been ignoring it for too long, and I can’t deny what I now know to be true. It’s one thing to suspect and ignore it, but to know the truth? I can’t do it. It’s scary, and daunting, but I owe it to William, I owe it to Chad, and I owe it to me.”

“So maybe we need to take a step back,” he suggests quietly. My heart sinks, but I understand. “You need time to get to know your son, and Nuka needs time to get over her dad. We’ll take it slow between us. But Allira,” he turns to look at me now, “believe me when I say that you’re not going to lose me just because you’re a mother. Those kids are lucky to have someone as strong and as caring as you to be their parent. It will be an adjustment, but in the end, I know you’re going to be a great mum. I just don’t know if I could live up to Paxton or Chad in the father department – if and when the time came. I realise that’s an unfair statement considering they’re both dead—”

I put my arm around him. “We don’t have to worry about that right now. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, okay?”

“Okay,” he agrees, wrapping his arm around me, and kissing me on the side of my head.

We stand there in each other’s arms, just watching the city. “So are you thinking fate had a hand in this, too? What do you think of that bitch now?”