Finding Harmony (5 page)

He laughs at my response but the smile on his face and the lightness of the moment is short lived as he resumes with what he was saying.

“So yeah, everything was going ok for a while, he wasn’t exactly happy but he was coping…”

“But…?”

“But then your film came out, the one you left him to go and film in Australia, it hit number one at the box office and suddenly you were everywhere… Your picture was on billboards all over the world, you were in every magazine, chat shows in every other country…”

“What’s that got to do with Trey though?”

“Well you looked amazing, Harmony, like really gorgeous and happy and healthy… you were doing so well for yourself, we watched a few of your interviews when we were in the states and you just sounded so bubbly, you’d moved on with your life, you’d won major awards, and then you were being romantically linked to every other guy in Hollywood…”

I had an idea of where Freddy was heading with this and I wasn’t so sure I wanted to hear, but I had to listen, I needed to know.

“Don’t get me wrong, Trey was really happy for you that you were living the dream but he just couldn’t get his head around the fact that you seemed to be so over him and he was still pining after you every day… then the pictures of your wild nights out with certain other Hollywood actors hit the tabloids and he just couldn’t take it, he hated seeing other guys with their hands all over you…”

“Wait, are you telling me he ended up like this because he got a little jealous?”

“Harmony, you and I both know that Trey doesn’t get a little jealous, he gets very jealous, like pathological… I don’t know when he saw you with other men, it was like something inside him just flipped, and he became totally withdrawn and really snappy with everyone… He took his aggression and frustration out on George and James and other members of the team, even Jost… everyone put up with it for a while but then his behavior just got out of control, he had a different girl every night…”

I had to wince a little at that bit.

“He started drinking really heavy, stopped writing songs, got mixed up with drugs… he completely changed, Breaking Jane wasn’t going anywhere, I mean how could we do anything when our front man was a total wreck, everyone just got fed up with him, eventually George and James went off and took on other projects… the band collapsed”.

“I don’t understand, the band was everything to Trey…”

“I know, so when we stopped making music, we got less and less media coverage, which of course just made Trey all the worse, I mean fame was a drug for Trey, the detox was something he couldn’t handle…”

I’d heard enough, it hurt too much to discover how all of Trey’s current demons and troubles had stemmed from me.

“I’m so sorry, Freddy, if I’d known we’d have all ended up here I would never have taken the job”.

“Hey, now don’t you dare start blaming yourself, you did the right thing, how were you to know Trey would react the way he did, none of us knew”.

Freddy’s words were comforting and reassuring but I still felt horrible…

“You know it wasn’t all plain sailing for me either, Freddy”.

He looks at me, his eyes tinged with pain at my statement. I knew how much Freddy cared about me; he loved his brother more than anyone else on the planet but the look in eyes tells me he wants to hear my side of the story.

“I know it wasn’t easy for you either, Harmony, what with Juliet and all…”

I’d never really spoken about Juliet to anyone, but right now, with Freddy, I felt like I could open up for the first time.

“You know what’s funny? When she died, some deluded little part of me thought he’d call… I honestly thought that despite our loss of contact, he’d get in touch… Juliet was all I had; she was my sister, my soul mate, my best friend… I’d lost everything and in my hour of need he didn’t prevail… I don’t know Freddy; it was like that was the straw that broke the camel’s back…”

“He wanted to talk you… you need to know that when he heard about her death, he immediately started talking about getting a plane out to L.A so that he could be with you”.

“So why didn’t he?”

“He was a mess, and you were grieving… he didn’t know how you’d react to him turning up on your doorstep during such a tragedy… he wasn’t sure if you were dating anyone or if you even needed help… more importantly he was scared, he didn’t know what to say to you… after he rethought everything he decided it would be better for you if he kept out of your life…”

The look on my face must tell him everything he needs to know and, to be honest; I don’t feel like sharing any of the gory details about the aftermath of Julie's death with him, he’s probably read it all in a gossip magazine anyway.

“So… how did you end up in New York, that’s a bit random isn’t it?”

“Haha, yeah just a bit… well we always loved New York, we still have a place in Germany but we just needed to get away for a bit… plus the women here are pretty tasty”

I just laugh and roll my eyes at that last part; I loved Freddy’s ability to lighten the mood.

We’d spent the best part of the afternoon in the coffee house. Some of the conversation was interesting and some of it was probably better left unheard.

We walk home slowly, taking our time as we maneuver our way past the crowds. It was freezing outside, frost lining the edges of the sidewalk. Very fitting for this time of year; it was the end of November, the 29th to be precise. The lead up to Christmas was my favorite time of the year, it was stressful, but generally everyone seemed to be in a jolly mood and the children were always so excited. It was magical, especially in New York.

We finally reach our apartment block and Freddy walks me to my door, I suppose he had to walk past it anyway.

“Well, thanks for your company; hopefully we’ll do it again some time?”

“Yeah, sure, I really enjoyed catching up with you again, Harmony, it was a nice way to spend the afternoon”.

I smile at him and he starts to walk down the hall but then stops and comes back to me.

“Oh, and I meant to say congratulations on your engagement…”

My face should’ve lit up at that comment but I couldn’t force a smile, I couldn’t lie to Freddy, I wasn’t overjoyed at my engagement and the tone of Freddy’s voice and the expression on his face tells me he’s all too aware of my feelings towards it. I’d accepted Leo’s proposal for all the wrong reasons, we’d have to have a proper talk about it later, but my ability to procrastinate could get in the way.

“Yeah, well I wouldn’t rush to buy your hat any time soon…”

He gives me a half smile, suggesting his belief in me to do the right thing… I wasn’t so sure.

“Freddy, can I ask you something, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to..?”

“Ok, what is it?”

“Uhm… what’s the deal with Miranda?”

His face twists up at my question, it had clearly made him uncomfortable but he proceeds to answer me.

“It’s a little complicated… I know you and Trey have issues and I really hope you can work through them together, but please, promise me you won’t get involved with Miranda? She’s bad news, Harmony, no matter how much you try to fight it, I know you still care about Trey, but don’t get involved with him at the risk of getting involved with her…”

With that said, he gives me a gentle hug then heads back home.

It sounded like a warning, I didn’t get a good vibe from her but what had Miranda done that made her such a bad person, even Freddy seemed a little wary of her?

I’d never been as utterly confused in my entire life as I was now. Everything felt like riddles, I couldn’t work anything out; nothing seemed to make sense any more…

If Miranda was so dangerous, why was Trey with her?

Trey had killed a part of me that I thought was impossible for anyone to get to. A place in my heart I never thought I’d surrender. But I gave in. I weakened myself with one stare into those velvet eyes. Those eyes that used to look only at me are now looking at Miranda. I’ve lost the only bit of heart I had left. Now I can truly say I’ve lost everything.

It was a dangerous position to be in. I still loved Trey, I still wanted to fight for him and, despite Freddy’s warning, I had nothing left to lose, what could this Miranda possibly do to me that was any worse than what I’d already been through?

              Why is it that every time you pluck up the courage to actually turn your life around, every time you decide upon a suitable course of action, every time you’re all geared up and ready to go after what you want, fate deals you a wicked blow and sends you straight back to the start again?

I’d hit a brick wall. I hated that brick wall.

Freddy had informed me that he and Trey were going back to Germany to visit their family and he didn’t really know how long for, it could be anything from a couple of days to a couple of weeks, hell they might not even come back all together. So as it stood on my whole ‘pursue my true love’ ordeal, I couldn’t really make any further advances when the man in question wasn’t even in the country.

But at least I could still get the whole engagement thing with Leo out of the way, right?

Wrong.

Fate had decided that the jury was out on that one as well. Leo had gone to L.A to work on some more material in the studio with some new upcoming band. The duration of his stay there would depend very much upon how much work he got done. He was likely to be home before Christmas but that was no good either, the whole dumping your fiancé right before Christmas was a little too cold hearted, even for me.

So as it stood, it was the run up to Christmas and I was all by myself with only my thoughts for company. That wasn’t a good thing. The more time I had to myself, the more time I had to reevaluate everything. That very likely meant there was a good chance I’d chicken out of following my heart and do the more rational thing, which was stay with Leo and act like nothing had ever happened…

No, I couldn’t talk myself out of pursuing Trey. I’d just have to sit tight and keep myself occupied as I waited for them all to come back home. For the first time in my life, I genuinely didn’t know what was going to be in store for me next. This whole thing could blow up in my face and then where would I be?

I’d love to sit down and have a chat with a psychologist, they’d have a field day trying to work out was going on in my head.

If one thing was for certain, this Christmas was going to be one to remember.

Chapter Five

As horrible as it sounds, I was a little disappointed when Leo was the first one home. I was kind of hoping that if Trey got home first, then I could talk with him and get everything straightened out a little before Leo got back. But alas, that wasn’t to be.

Like so many times before, I put off confronting the issue that was at the forefront of my mind, every minute of every day. I may not have loved Leo the way I loved Trey but I did still love him. I was still attracted to him; he still did it for me. And so I neglected the idea of leaving him, for now anyway and just concentrated on playing happy families and making sure we both had a good Christmas together.