Floating (3 page)

Helping Ronnie into my bed, I prop her up with some of those poofy ass cushions behind her back, turn on the TV, and power up Netflix.  On second thought, maybe they do have a purpose, and my choice to burn them ASAP might need to be put on hold for now. As I turn back to her and hand her the remote her fingers brush mine, and an electric current run between us complete with sparks crackling off our skin. If this is what the simple touch of our fingers does, there won’t be any denying the attraction between us for long, and that works for me.

“Search for a movie or something for us to watch, Babe, while I make us some lunch, yeah?” She looks less than impressed, but honestly, I really don’t give a fuck. I had to hide my smile when I realised Ronnie recognised she was stranded here. She looked so fucking pissed that if she could’ve had steam coming out of her ears like they do on those cartoons, she would have.

“Seriously, Nate? This is unnecessary. I’m fine. I can go home, you know.” Of course I know that. The thing is, I won’t allow it, so it’s not happening. She isn’t a hundred percent, and there are thirty-two stairs to get up to her studio apartment with no lift. Moreover, I want her here so I can keep an eye on her, making sure she isn’t overdoing things. I know her well enough to know that she’ll push herself too hard and fast, if she’s left unattended. The God’s honest truth is; if I have any say in it, she won’t be leaving ever. I’ll gradually start moving her things having them appear as if by miracle until I’ve moved her in here completely. She’ll fight me at first, but given time I also know I can get her to relent. As long as I don’t push her too hard or fast, eventually she’ll cave and see thing my way. Well, I hope she does anyway.

There’s nothing I want more that to have Ronnie back in my life permanently. She doesn’t know it yet, but she’s MINE, and in this, she simply doesn’t have a choice. Sure, she can throw sass, which secretly I fucking love, she’s extra fucking sexy when she’s pissed, and generally deny me, but I’ll win in the end. I always do. Sighing I take her soft, manicured hand in mine and rub my thumb over her palm. “You’re not going home, Ronnie we already talked about this shit. This is home for you for now, so get used to it. Now, you can sit here and stare at the wall, or you can fire up a movie, quit your bitching, and we can eat some lunch. What’s it gonna be?”

Huffing and snatching her hand from mine she asks, “Were you always such a bossy asshole, or is this just a new development?”

Chuckling at her I lean in, so our noses are only an inch away from each other,

“I’ve learned a lot in the years we’ve been apart, Baby. One of those things is, when I know what I want; I get it no matter the cost and I don’t stop until I do.”

Her eyes widen and her breathing picks up. I almost feel her sweet clean scent slowly invading my senses. She smells like spring and hint of orchid, it’s a heady mix and fucking does things to me.

“Oh.” Her gorgeous, naturally red lips part in an O shape and her eyes are glazed. She’s just as turned on as I am and it’s going to be a hell of a ride watching her try and deny it.

“You want to know what I want, Ronnie?” I know the answer is ‘no’. Fuck no, she won’t want to hear what comes out of my mouth next, but I don’t give her the opportunity to answer anyway. “I want you. I want us. I want what we should have had years ago. We’ve lost a lot of time, Baby, and I intend on making that up to you. We’re just going to do that here, in my house, in my bed, with me in your life and you in mine, like it should’ve been all along.” Her breaths are now coming in shallow pants, and Ronnie’s looking at me with a mixture of fear and something else I can’t quite put my finger on. It doesn’t take me long to figure out what it is though. Fuck! Terror. Ronnie looks fucking terrified. The last thing I want is for her to be scared of me, and terrified is even worse. I’ll never hurt her, and she knows that, or at least I won’t hurt her physically. The truth is; I did fucking hurt her emotionally. I ripped her fucking heart out, and stomped on it effectively killing part of the sweet, caring girl that literally helped to save me from myself.

Sucking in a deep breath, the sheer extent of damage my actions years ago caused finally dawns on me. The weight of the realisation is staggering and leaves me struggling to catch my breath. If emotional distress could cause actual pain, this would be at a twelve on the pain scale. This shit fucking hurts.

When I left Patterson, in search of work at the age of eighteen, I did it knowing when I eventually came back, my sunshine would still be there waiting for me, ready to make my dark days brighter. That’s what Ronnie’s always done for me, whether it was in person or just via the memories of her, she’s forever been my beacon. What we had was special because for me, her smile was wider, brighter even; her laugh was louder and more melodic, and her hugs tighter, leaving me feeling complete afterwards. After what happened with Ronnie’s sister, I could never put my finger on exactly what part of Ronnie being gone was the worse. I felt more alone than I ever had before, and the pain of her absence was excruciating. For fucks sake, the love of my life had left me, was gone without a trace, it was expected, that I’d feel all that shit, but that wasn’t what was missing and I couldn’t until now work out what was.

Until this moment I hadn’t realised the most devastating part of all of it was the loss of my sunshine. I’d had so little in my life that brought me joy, warmth, light, and love. Ronnie was the only person that gave me that and did it naturally. She did it without question or expectations, never asking me for anything. Ronnie simply listened to me, paid attention to everything about me, everything I said, I think she knew everything about me in less than a year after meeting her she listened that well. Ronnie sympathised with my situation without resorting to pity holding my hand when she knew I needed the support.

Sitting down heavily beside her outstretched legs, I hang my head in my hands. It literally hurts. My fucking head feels like it’s going to explode. I deserved the consequences of my actions, of course I did, and I’ve never denied it, but having it hit me all over again years after the fact feels borderline cruel. I can feel Ronnie shuffle in behind me, followed by the soft touch of her hand on my arm. Looking up, I see her eyes are filled with the same pained look as my own.

“I’m so fucking sorry, Ronnie. Fuck me. I’m so sorry.”

Clutching intently now at my forearm, Ronnie gives me a sad smile and says, “I know you are, Nate. For what it’s worth, I forgive you. It’s all in the past and you need to move on and find a way to get past it.”

My sweet fucking sunshine. If only it were that easy. “Is that what you did? Got past it? You got over me and moved on?”

Shaking her head sadly she adds, “Yes Nate. I got past it, I had to. I forgave you almost as soon as it happened. I knew Verity…” I stop her.

I can’t hear that cunt’s name, and not want to tear some shit apart. I also notice she didn’t actually say she got over ME. A glimmer of hope slides through me. It might be too much to hope for that she still cares for me, but fuck it, I’m a stupid man after all and hope’s all I’ve got.

“Don’t,” it comes out in a harsh bark, harsher than I intended. “Don’t speak her name in this house, especially not in my bed. She doesn’t belong here, and she never will.” Sighing and reclining back to her previous position on the bed, Ronnie shocks me with what she says next. Maybe it’s a shock because we’ve never spoken again since the day she found me with her sister, or maybe it’s a shock because I don’t expect her to be so open with acknowledging the past. All I know is what she says can’t be unheard, and I don’t want to.

“You have to understand, Nate. I loved you. With every piece of me I loved you. You were the only thing that had ever been truly MINE in my life. That meant something to me. No,” she says with a sad shake of her head. “It meant everything to me. Having to see that, seeing you with her, tore me apart in ways that I didn’t know a person could be torn apart. My heart didn’t break that day, Nate, it broke EVERY
day after that. Every day I spent away from you, every day I spent wondering where you were, if you were ok, or what you were doing it broke a little more. It broke for what wasn’t only mine anymore, what SHE ruined. I knew she had a crush on you, way back when, she lusted after you because she told me as much. She told me I was never good enough for a man like you, and I’d never be able to keep you. She TOLD me she was going to steal you away. I wasn’t worried about all that though, I knew that you didn’t want her, you’d told me so, and I believed you.” She says on a small self-depreciating chuckle.

Ronnie’s right. I never wanted Verity. Being identical twins you’d expect they’d be similar, in their case, they couldn’t have been more different than if they were complete strangers. Sometimes I thought they practically were strangers, just living in the same house and sharing the same DNA. Where my woman is sweet, kind, compassionate, patient, loving and all sunshine; her sister is pure darkness. Bitter, greedy, manipulative, and self-centred. Verity may be beautiful on the outside, but her inside was ugly it overshadowed her beauty. Spend enough time around them you began to notice the subtle differences in their appearances too.  If I’d been sober, not high as fuck that day, I would have known instantly the woman riding my dick wasn’t mine, but her sister. I still curse myself daily for getting fucked up enough I didn’t realise and put a stop to it.

Ronnie has delicate, soft as hell, porcelain skin with a smattering of freckles across her chest that are almost unnoticeable, but I’ve worshipped every inch of her, so I can probably tell you by heart exactly how many there are. She has a tiny birth mark on the inside of her left thigh in the shape of a strawberry that I’ve licked, kissed, and caressed as I thrust inside her body. The most noticeable difference of all is the paintbrush tattoo on Ronnie’s hipbone though.

The brush is done in black outline, and the grey shading makes up the majority of the piece. The brushes bristles are stained with moss green coloured paint with the tip of the brush starting at the beginning of the word, so that the brush flows with the curve of her shapely hip. Ronnie got it on her eighteenth birthday, and I’d been blown away by it. She rendered me speechless, humbling me with what she’d done. When she uncovered her new addition I spent the next three hours making love to her, worshipping her amazing body, and showing her all the things I couldn’t say with words.

In moss green ink, to match my eyes she told me, Ronnie had the word NATE tattooed in stylised calligraphy resembling paint brush strokes. Not only was the colour of ink an almost identical match to my eyes, it complimented her flawless skin and stunning deep red hair perfectly. Four weeks later, Ronnie left my life, and I’d been fucking torn apart inside. I’m sure my external appearance wasn’t much better at the time, either. Some small part of me was glad she had my name inked on her skin before all that shit happened. She’d have to take me with her whether she wanted to or not. I’d always be a part of her, she would have to remember me and that thought alone gave me some small measure of peace. It’s funny how shit like that happens. People have told me, if you get a girl’s name tattooed, it’s the beginning of the end, I never believed in that shit. Maybe they’d been right. Maybe it had been an omen.

Snapping me out of my memories that have nowhere to go but downhill, Ronnie continues. “Things changed when I was on my own, going to college, and getting an apartment by myself. My perspective on life got a little skewed for a while there. I thought I wasn’t enough. That I wasn’t……”

Shaking my head emphatically, I stop her. She can’t really believe that shit can she? There was never once that she wasn’t enough for me. Fuck that. She was and still is everything to me. “No. Don’t say that shit. You were always more than enough, it was only ever you. You were too good for ME, Ronnie. You always have been. I felt like the luckiest son of a bitch alive that you wanted anything to do with me. It was me that wasn’t enough for you, Baby.”

I hang my head back in my hands. The fact she ever thought she wasn’t enough for me, perfect for me, is almost too much to bear. “You didn’t let me finish Nate,” she says with her mouth pulled into a tight frown. “I felt like that for a while. After a few months, I realised it wasn’t about me at all. It might have killed me to see you with her, but you’d always had demons chasing you, things in your life you needed to escape from. I knew you weren’t all there that day. I looked into your eyes and they were so vacant. I’d never seen you like that, and you’d definitely never been like that WITH me. It was like you were looking through me, but not seeing me. My sister looked smug, like she’d won the lottery, so I knew something wasn’t right. I learned to accept you probably had little to no knowledge of what was going on.” I nod at her statement because I abso-fucking-lutely agree. I had no idea what the fuck was happening that day until about five minutes after she left. “I could forgive you quickly because of how much I loved you. That was the easy part. Accepting what happened took longer, a lot longer because my heart and my head weren’t in sync. Saying that, I made the decision that I’d never give my heart to anyone, ever again. That includes you.” I intake a huge lungful of air. That fucking kills, but what she says next hurts even more. “Part of me will always love the boy that needed me as a friend. The boy that made me laugh all the time, and part of me will always love the man that taught me how to love, but that’s where it ends for me. I can’t open my heart up to that kind of pain ever again.”