Authors: Carrie Noble
John was missing Charlie and Emily and knowing how protective
Patrick was of them, I knew that they would be the key again. So
when I found out that they would be at a family birthday party that
we were not planning on attending, I had a sudden change of
I convinced John that we
should go so that he could see Charlie and Emily and that maybe
when Patrick saw how happy he was to see the children he would
realise how irrational he was being. I was so convincing that I
nearly believed it myself. There was not a chance.
arrived at Isabel’s bearing gifts for the birthday girl as well as
for Charlie and Emily, the children ran to John screaming, pleased
to see grandad again. The rest of the guests fell silent. They all
knew what had happened, had already quietly taken sides and were
now eagerly anticipating what was going to happen next.
John surprised us all by
walking up to Patrick and saying hello. Oh no, maybe this was not
going to end the way I had planned. But no, thank heavens for
Patrick. He couldn’t believe that his father had walked up to him
after all those months and was acting like nothing had ever
happened. The pain of those months became clear when Patrick let
rip with a ten-minute rant about what had happened and how it had
affected him and the children. When he had finished Cara got all
their coats, he apologised and they all left. Nobody in the room
spoke, they just looked at John, before going back to their
previous conversations. We left, knowing that we were not wanted
I knew then
that I wouldn’t have to worry about Patrick anymore. That last,
very public row would be the last straw for both of them. The
wounds were too deep and would never heal.
‘Oh babes, everything you
have been through has been so awful. But that is behind you now. So
come on, tell me, what is married life like then? You still all
If only she knew. I start
to laugh but I can’t control it anymore. The tears start to
‘What have I
‘Michelle, you’re not
making any sense. What do you mean?’
‘I had to do it. I had to
get rid of them. They would have split us up. John was all I wanted
and I just wanted everything to be perfect, but Lou, if I had known
then what I know now.’
I had been convinced that
I knew best. John didn’t need anybody else. He just needed me. I
could make him happy.
wedding, reality started to set in. I knew that John liked a drink
but after the wedding it seemed like he was drinking more and more.
Maybe I just hadn’t noticed because I had been so busy with
planning the wedding.
Another thing, had he
always been this argumentative. Some days it was like nothing I did
was right, everything I did annoyed him. It was only a matter of
weeks before snappy comments about the way I cooked tea or for
talking during the football started to take on a nasty
made him worse, when he had had a drink he would become so nasty
that I would often end up running to the bedroom crying, wondering
where the charming, kind man I had met had gone, wondering if he
had actually ever existed. I had spent so much time trying to get
him to myself, scared of losing out on spending time with him. As I
sat on the bed alone after being told to get out of his sight again
I realised how much I wished I could send him over to his sister’s
or send him out to the pub with Patrick.
Even if it
didn’t get him back to the person I had fallen in love with, it
would have given me a break from the snarling, the nasty comments
and the heavy atmosphere charged with regret and
He loved them
and he missed them. I knew he blamed me, resented me. it was making
him bitter and he wasted no time in showing me.
I had thought that maybe
it would get better. I thought that I could cope. But that had
changed when John returned from the doctors yesterday. His poor
health, another factor that added to John’s now constant sour mood,
had deteriorated again. The doctor had made it clear. He was
retiring. Now we would be together all the time.
Now I knew
that no, I couldn’t take anymore. That was when I had phoned
Louise. I needed to talk to someone. Tell her everything. She would
help. She would know what to do.
‘Michelle, tell me what’s
As the tears rolled down
my face I realised that the words wouldn’t come. This was my mess.
I had made my bed and now I was going to have to go and lie in
‘Oh nothing, I am just
being silly. I think everything has just got a bit on top of
spending an hour talking about Louise and catching up on what was
going on with her, I told her I had to go.
As I unlock the door I
can hear Sky Sports and hear the sound of a can being
‘Decided to come home
have yeah. Pity. Seeing as you’re here get me some lunch. You may
as well be of some bloody use.
All I wanted was to have
this man all to myself and that is exactly what I have got. Nobody
to give me a break from the vitriol and misery he emits. He is all
mine now. Forever mine.