From the Heart (A Valentine's Day Anthology) (20 page)

The silence returned, shock rendering the air still. I stared up at him, trying to convey with my eyes that, yes, I thought he was a dick… for revealing the one thing we were both still trying to get our heads around.

“What did you say?” Kara asked, and as Dec’s eyes moved to her, he realised his mistake.

“Shit. Eden-” He reached out for me but I stepped back.

I wasn’t upset that Kara and Lucas had found out, I was upset that it had happened this way. While we were all busy getting ready to pack up. While everything was such a mess.

“The fact that you still don’t understand that you come first for me, and that you don’t get that the only person I wanted to talk about this with is you tells me everything I was scared of is true. You really don’t trust me, and you would rather bury your head in the sand than deal with what’s happening. I don’t know what the hell happened at Meg’s last night, but right now, I don’t even care. I told you before I wouldn’t keep going through this shit with you, and I won’t. If you want time to think, that’s fine but don’t you dare look at me as if this is my fault, as if I’m finding this easy. And don’t act like you spending the night at the house of someone who has wanted you since she first set eyes on you is okay.”

With my pulse pounding in my ears, I turned away from Declan, my head down to avoid the stares of my friends, and went to the kitchen. The loaf of bread I’d made my toast from sat on the table, but the toaster and the coffee machine were both gone. I suspected Kara and Lucas would bin it before we left, but I grabbed a slice and ate it dry, hoping it would go some way to settling my stomach and easing my headache.

Chapter 4

The food didn’t help. Nothing helped. My head continued to ache, and the atmosphere in the house was so tense, we all just sat around watching the clock until Kara and Lucas left. Once they’d gone, it was just me and Declan for fifteen minutes before we had to leave to get my mum. We stood in the hallway, leaning against opposite walls, neither of us speaking.

As much as my head hurt, it didn’t compare to the ache in my chest. I stood by the things I’d said, but that didn’t mean I liked them, or that I didn’t care about the possibility that something had happened between Dec and Meg. In fact, the thought of it was eating away at my insides, along with the shitty way he’d been acting towards me. This wasn’t him. When we started dating, I’d accepted it was a
part
of him. That he wasn’t good at talking things through, and he was especially bad at being vulnerable or feeling so completely out of control of  a situation, and when those things happened, he needed to back away to figure things out. To get himself to a place where he felt more comfortable. Since we’d been together, that side of him had barely made itself known. We were happy. He was the same guy I’d always loved, insecurities and all, except now he loved me too, and it was better.

But now? We were strangers.

“Nothing happened with Meg.”

I glanced up at Declan where he stood, his back against the wall and his feet forward, toes close to my bag that I’d dumped on the floor while we waited.

“Nothing?” I asked.

“I was walking. I needed to walk. I just planned to walk around the block a few times to clear my head, but as I was turning out of what I now know is Meg’s street, she got out of a taxi and called out to me. I guess I looked… I don’t know… stressed. She said I should go back to hers for a drink, and I wasn’t thinking clearly. We went inside, she got me a beer, she asked what was wrong. I didn’t tell her anything, but it wasn’t too hard for her to figure out that we’d had an argument. She made a…
suggestion
that I could ‘use’ her to make myself feel better. I told her it wasn’t going to happen, but she still said I could crash there. I know that was stupid, but I wasn’t ready to come back.”

That sounded pretty much exactly like Meg. I had no idea when it became okay to attempt to screw over your friends, but on the plus side, I wouldn’t have to see her again once I left York.

“Why was your shirt off?” I asked.

He lifted his head to look at me. “Because it was hot as fuck last night, and I couldn’t exactly take my trousers off. I couldn’t trust her not to help herself to the goods while I was asleep!”

My lips twitched at his words, followed by a laugh I hadn’t meant to let out, and the atmosphere lightened just a little.

“Well, she has been trying to get her hands on them for a while,” I said, sighing.

“She never stood a chance, Eden.”

I heard the subtext in his words; read it in his eyes.
Nobody stood a chance
. But it only made my heart heavier because that might not be enough for him. Not compared to the bombshell I’d dropped on him. Would he be like my dad and dump all responsibility? Would he give me money for the baby in the hope that he wouldn’t have to have any further involvement? Would he be a weekend dad? Or could he talk me into adoption, keeping us together but knowing nothing would ever be the same?

“We should go,” I said, quietly. “Mum’s probably already waiting for us.”

**

The journey home was awkward to say the least. The only conversation was small talk, and I could see Mum’s eyes seeking mine in the rear view mirror, trying to decipher why the air felt so tense. I never once met her eye, and I knew I was in for some severe grilling when we got home.

When Dec pulled up outside our house, I told Mum to go in ahead because, in spite of how awkward it was, I couldn’t get out of the car without any mention of the forbidden topic.

“I have to tell her when I get inside,” I said, shifting my knees to the side and turning towards him.

Declan nodded. “I’m not ready to tell my parents yet. Do you think it would be okay if you asked her not to contact them yet please? I just… I have to think before they get involved. You know what they’re like.”

Boy, did I. They were actually pretty decent people, but for some reason, Declan was like the runt of the litter to them. Nothing he ever did was good enough, and if they found out about this from anyone but him, there’d be hell to pay.

“I can do that.” I was fairly confident once Mum calmed down that she could manage that if I asked her to. Of course, the upcoming shitstorm I faced had to be extinguished first. My mum wasn’t intimidating on a day to day basis, but this was the only thing she had ever begged me not to do. Get pregnant too young and/or outside of a very stable relationship. The only good thing was that at least uni was over. It wasn’t going to ruin anything in that area. But things would be a struggle if I decided to be a mum.

“Thanks,” Dec said.

“What will happen now?” I reached out and gently turned his face to mine so he had to look into my eyes. “When you go home, what will happen? When will we talk?”

“I’ll call you this evening.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

I gave him a tight smile, and he leaned forwards and placed a single, soft kiss on my lips. “I do love you, Eden. I just need some time, okay?”

I nodded, his words filling me with a warmth I hadn’t felt in almost twenty-four hours. “I love you too.”

Declan helped me take the boxes and my suitcase into my house, and with another slightly chaste kiss, he left me in the kitchen with my mother who had an expectant look on her face.

The conversation that followed was one of the most harrowing of my life. There was shouting, crying, apologising, and hugging. Mum was disappointed in me more than anything. And I think disappointed in herself because she felt like she hadn’t made it clear enough just how hard it is to be a parent, especially with the added possibility of having to do it alone. The truth was, I really had done everything right. I was unlucky. I was one of the few who still got pregnant in spite of using birth control correctly and now I had to figure out what to do. In the end, Mum said she would support me whatever my decision – no pressure. I guess in some ways it made it easier that she’d been in my position. She understood everything I felt, everything that would probably keep me awake for quite some time.

Declan didn’t call that night. He didn’t call the next morning, either. The only person who called was Kara, and she told Lucas to go find something to do so I could go over and talk to her. Just me and her. Just me and her hadn’t happened in a while, and as I sat on her brand new squishy sofa in her and Lucas’ new flat, holding a cup of tea, I was grateful to have this time together. It wasn’t that I didn’t want Lucas there, he was as much a friend as Kara, but this felt like a girl thing and I needed it to be that way.

“So… have you called Dec?” Kara asked, tucking her feet up underneath her.

I shook my head. “I tried once. No answer. He asked for some time so I’m giving it to him. I’m… angry, hurt, upset, disappointed that he didn’t call when he said he would, but what good will it do to push him?”

“You could go and see him.”

“If he’s not answering the phone to me, I doubt he’ll open the door. And also, as much as I need to talk to him, why do I have to do all the running? He promised he’d call and he broke that promise. I think I just… I have to accept that he’s done with me.”

Kara untucked her legs and shuffled closer to me. “You can’t know that until you speak to him.”

“Maybe not. But his silence says a lot. It always has.”

Inside, where everything ached… it seemed like I should be crying, sobbing over what was probably the end of my relationship and a future that was nothing like the one I’d planned. But it was like my emotions were on hold. Even though I’d felt constantly sick, and every thud of my heart seemed to puncture my chest, I couldn’t get the tears to fall. It was like I was resigned and trying to deal with whatever happened next.

“Have you made any decisions about what you want to do?” Kara asked gently. “About the baby?”

Blowing out a breath, I rested my hand on my stomach and said, “I think I have, and then I consider something else, and something else, and I chase myself around in circles. I never… I never considered an abortion. Right away, I didn’t feel like I could do that, but I’m also not sure I can handle having a baby yet. There’s so much involved. It goes beyond just thinking about sleepless nights and how I’m going to support us both. How would I hold down a job and make sure my baby was taken care of, and didn’t feel like I was abandoning them? That was how I used to feel. When Mum was working every hour, and I was always at my nan’s house. I didn’t understand that she was working so she could take care of me... not for a long time. What if my own child never understands that? What if I become a stay at home mum and try to survive on handouts? If I did that, what was the point of getting a degree? It just feels as though being a single parent would be a constant uphill struggle, and even if I tried, I still might screw it up.” I paused, wearily rubbing my eyes. “So I thought about adoption. Okay, maybe eventually it would come down to the same thing. A child wondering why I didn’t work hard enough to keep them. To keep us together. But hopefully they’d have a great life with parents who could give them more than I can. And then I think… could I really do that? Carry my baby for nine months, only to give it up at the end? Maybe then abortion would be better. I just don’t know, Kara.”

Kara sank back against the sofa cushions, her head falling back as she sighed. While I waited, I pressed my hand a little harder on my stomach. I didn’t think I was supposed to really feel anything yet, but I knew there was a life growing in there. A tiny, yet very real life.

“It’s a heck of a decision,” Kara said eventually.

“Do you have any words of wisdom? Any advice on how to figure this out?”

“No. Because you need to be making this decision with Declan. If you absolutely had to make these decisions alone, then I’d probably have some advice for you, but you don’t have to. Declan just needs to get his head out of his arse and help you.”

“Like I said, I think his silence is his answer. So, let’s assume I am alone. What would your advice be?”

She raised her head and looked at me. “I guess I’d tell you to look deeper into your options. All of them. Talk to an abortion clinic, find out about adoption, and look into how you would go about bringing up a child alone. And then, I think, once you’ve done that, you’ll have a better of idea of what you are or aren’t comfortable with.”

Chapter 5

Kara’s advice for me was way better than me chasing my thoughts around in my head, so when I got home that afternoon, I did as she suggested. I opened my laptop and did some real research into abortions and what happens, and also discovered that clinics offered a chance to discuss options and offered advice no matter what steps were taken next. If I couldn’t figure it out on my own, what harm would it do to make an appointment and talk to someone unbiased?

Just as I was about to call the number of a local clinic, there was a knock at the door. I sighed to myself as I stood up to answer it. I suspected it might be Lucas. Kara had said he might drop by to see me this afternoon, and it was kind of him, but I finally felt like I was making some steps, and I didn’t want to stall or get confused again.

My jaw dropped when I saw Declan on the doorstep. It was three thirty in the afternoon – he should have been at work. Just like always, my heart beat faster at the sight of him and for a second I wasn’t sure what to do. My first instinct was to throw myself into his arms and let him heal some of the pain I’d been living with. But then I remembered how he’d distanced himself. I registered the seriousness in his brown eyes. He looked as tired as I was, with dark circles under his eyes and a two-day-old beard on his chin. I liked him clean shaven, but the scruff was kinda sexy too, and it added to my need to touch him. I swallowed, trying hard to resist.

“Hi,” I said, keeping my voice as neutral as I could.

“Can I come in?”

I stepped back, opening the door wider for him, and he came inside. As I closed the door behind him, my brain raced with thoughts.
Why is here now? Where has he been? Has he made any kind of decision about us? About the baby? Or is he going to do his usual thing of ignoring the issue?

“Would you like a drink?” I asked as he lurked in the hallway, head down and his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

“Coffee would be good, thanks.”

I nodded towards the living room. “Take a seat.”

Declan slowly walked into the lounge, and I took the few minutes making our drinks to prepare myself for what was coming. I already felt the prickle of tears and the strengthening of the ache in my chest. I breathed deeply and blinked the tears away. I needed answers from him, no matter what they were. I needed to know where we stood.

As I entered the living room, I stopped abruptly when I saw Dec holding my phone. His eyes flicked to my laptop screen then to me.

“You were going to make an appointment for an abortion?”

His voice was quiet. Not angry, just softly questioning.

I placed our steaming cups on the table. “I was going to make an appointment to discuss my options.”

His jaw clenched, his teeth clashing together so hard I was surprised they didn’t shatter. “Your options? I thought they were
our
options.”

A small flame of annoyance lit up inside me, ready to ignite me in a burning fury if he continued to look at me with such accusation in his eyes.

“Where were you, Declan? You promised to call me.
Promised
.”

“I told you I needed some time.”

“But you still said you’d call and you didn’t. And you ignored my call, and you didn’t call back. What was I supposed to think?”

“You called once. If you were ready to make this decision, why didn’t you try harder?”

Unbelievable. So far he’d blamed me, stormed out, spent the night in the home of a woman who’d been trying to get in his pants, blurted out the news of my pregnancy to people before talking to me about it, broken his promise to call me, and
I
was supposed to try harder?

My stomach twinged sharply, and I placed my hand over it, my eyes widening at the pain. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if it was a baby thing, or if it was the sheer agony of this conversation. All I knew was I needed to sit down immediately, and Dec moved aside and pulled out the chair I’d been sitting at in front of my laptop. He knelt down in front of me, the indifference in his eyes turning to concern.

“Are you okay?”

I nodded, still holding my stomach as whatever it was that had come over me slowly ebbed away as I inhaled and exhaled deeply.

Declan took my hands. “Are you sure?”

The confusion of his behaviour made me drop his hands, and I stared at him. “Now you care?”

“I always cared.”

“Really? Because so far that hasn’t exactly been clear.”

He swiped his tongue over his lips as if trying to moisten them then took a few slow breaths. “Eden, you know how crap I am with things like this. I can’t handle them, and I can’t process them the way you do. You’ve always known this about me. And this… you being pregnant… it’s messed with my head, but I’m here, okay? I came back to talk. I know I should have done that sooner, but fuck, if this had happened a year ago, you’d never have seen me again. That’s not a reflection on how I feel about you though.”

No. It was a reflection on how he felt about him. About how he never felt good enough.

Declan took my hands again and this time his brown eyes stared into mine. “When I came here today, I thought I knew what I wanted to say. I thought I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be a father because I’m not ready. And then…” His eyes flicked to my laptop screen again, and they seemed to dim a little. He nodded towards the clinic webpage. “I saw this. I saw the number on your phone, and I wanted to yell at you. Not because you didn’t discuss it with me though. Because in that one second when I thought you might go through with an abortion… I felt like I was losing everything.” He looked up at me again, and tears clouded his eyes. “How can that happen? How can that small thought of you actually calling an abortion clinic have made me see things differently?”

I shook my head, my own tears forming again. “I don’t know,” I whispered. “I don’t think I could ever have gone through with it though. I’m pretty sure I want this baby, Dec. There are so many reasons why I shouldn’t, but I do.”

Dec let go of my hands and brushed his fingers over my cheeks. “Eden, I’ve spent the last few days imagining how things would be without you. And I hated it. I didn’t think I could do the dad thing, but I still wanted you. But…” He moved one hand down to my stomach. “This is real. This is happening, and I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose either of you.”

The warmth of his hand on my stomach made me want to smile the biggest smile, but I couldn’t trust it yet. He’d had his decision made, and then he’d changed it in a moment. What was to stop him changing it back?

“Declan, this… it’s not going to be easy. This is you supporting all three of us for a while. This is us sacrificing going out whenever we want, being able to afford a takeaway whenever we want. It’s going to make us tired and cranky, and it’s going to mean that we can’t be selfish. Ever again. It means, if you’re telling me we can do this, you have to really mean it. Because the idea of losing you and having to do this by myself is terrifying.”

Declan’s familiar, warm smile made my tears spill over and he used his thumbs to wipe them away. “Do you know how long I wanted to be with you, Eden? Because it’s a lot longer than you realise. Probably longer than you wanted to be with me. I fucked things up over and over, and then I finally got you. I am not going to fuck this up too. I might be an emotionless dick sometimes, but that’s never stopped me loving you. Never.”

Closing my eyes, I allowed myself to breathe again. To feel his hands on my face, to feel his words as they sank into me.

“For an emotionless dick, you’re pretty good with words sometimes.”

I heard him laugh softly before he pressed his lips to mine, breathing life back into my body. “Don’t get too used to it. Before you know it, I’ll be back to my usual self.”

My own laugh sounded more like a sob – a happy sob – as I said, “That was the boy I fell in love with.”

“Well…” Dec trailed his lips across my jawline, sparking my nerve endings into action. “Now it’s time for be the man you deserve. You reckon I can do it?”

“Declan Fox.” I wound my arms around his neck and kissed him again, basking in the joy of tasting him again. “I think you already have.”

The end.