Get Smart 6 - And Loving It! (10 page)

“Isn’t it just possible, Max, that he built it for himself?”

“Hardly, 99. Lucky Bucky Buckley wasn’t even born then.”

“Do you see anything, Max?”

“Only total darkness. And I’m not even sure about that. It doesn’t show up too well in this darkness.”

“If only we had a light!”

“Patience, 99. I think I see one up ahead.”

“A light?”

“Yes. It seems to be coming from under a doorway or something.”

“It must lead to a room. We’re safe, Max!”

When they reached the light, Max leaned his weight against the wall. It held firm.

“It isn’t a door,” he said. “It doesn’t rattle.”

“It’s probably a secret panel.”

“I hardly think so, 99.”

“Why not, Max?”

“Well, the man who built the castle knows about it, and you and I know about it. That doesn’t make it much of a secret any more.”

“Max, we can’t stay here. Try to break it down.”

He threw his weight against the wall. The panel splintered, and Max tumbled headlong into a room. 99 stepped out of the passageway behind him.

“Max!” she cried.

Max got to his feet. They had battered themselves back into Guru Optimo’s room. And facing them, sitting up in bed, was Guru Optimo himself.

“Hold your fire, Guru Optimo!” Max said. “We want to talk to you—about rejoining Control! Do you understand?”

Guru Optimo grinned. “Me Tarzan, You Jane!” he replied.

“Okay, Tarzan, here’s the deal,” Max said. “Lucky Bucky Buckley is taking advantage of your good nature. And we at Control feel that we had the idea to take advantage of your good nature first. Fair is fair. You can see that, you and your good nature, can’t you?”

Guru Optimo beamed. “Give it to me straight, doctor—will I always walk with a lisp?”

“Ahh . . . I think that should be ‘limp,’ ” Max corrected.

“Tell him about all the advantages of working for Control, Max,” 99 said. “I think he’s interested.”

“Yes, well,” Max said, “there’s . . . uh . . . mmmm . . .” He turned to 99. “What advantages, exactly, 99?”

“Working with happy people, for one thing.”

“Happy? More or less happy, maybe, 99. But, frankly, I’ve had some pretty sad days since I joined Control. I remember the day a few weeks ago when the Chief made me sit in a corner with a dunce cap on my head. That was
not
a very happy day.”

“But you deserved it, Max, giving an autographed copy of our secret code book to that KAOS agent.”

“But she said she was a fan of mine. And how was I supposed to know that KAOS was using little old ladies as agents?” He shook his head. “Give me another advantage.”

“Good pay.”

“Oh, sure. Control
has
to pay well. Because every time you make a teensy-weensy mistake and destroy some item of Government property, you have to pay for it out of your salary. If we weren’t paid well, we couldn’t afford to work for Control. Big advantage!”

“Short hours.”

“I can’t argue with that,” Max nodded. He faced back to Guru Optimo. “Our hours are only forty-five minutes long,” he said. “Of course, we have to be on duty twenty-four hours a day. But by saving fifteen minutes an hour, we have a total of three-hundred-and-sixty minutes left over at the end of the day that we can call our own. Whereas, at KAOS, the hours are sixty minutes long. And, at the end of the day, what do you have left?”

Guru Optimo giggled. “Mr. Hyde, I’d like you to meet my physician, Dr. Jekyll,” he replied.

“Aha! Here you are!” a voice roared from the doorway.

Lucky Bucky Buckley and the guards had returned.

“You’re too late, Lucky Bucky!” Max said. “I think Guru Optimo has just switched sides again.”

“Guru Baby, is that true?” Lucky Bucky said, aghast.

“Anyone for tennis?” Guru Optimo replied.

“If you’ll just wait till I get my net,” Max said.

“What did he promise you, Guru Baby?” Lucky Bucky asked. “I’ll double it, whatever it was.”

“I don’t think that will do you much good,” Max said. “I promised him a forty-five minute hour. Double it, and he’s going to find his Mondays running into his Saturdays.”

“A forty-five minute hour!” Lucky Bucky scoffed. “You think I can’t do better than that? Guru Baby, I’m talking show business! Stick with me and you’ll meet a lot of nice girls. That’s what show business is all about!”

Guru Optimo broke out in a grin that covered his entire face.

“99,” Max whispered, “I think we’ve been out-bid.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised, Max.”

“Zop’em!” Lucky Bucky shouted.

Max and 99 whipped around and dashed back into the secret passageway. A flash of light exploded behind them. They raced down the steps into the total darkness.

“After them!” they heard Lucky Bucky cry. “The guard that catches them gets a star on his dressing room door!”

Max and 99 reached the bottom of the steps.

“Now, to find where the wall opens,” Max said. “Ready, 99?”

“What do you want me to do, Max?”

“The same as last time. I’ll pretend I’m a tennis court and you—”

“Max! That won’t work!”

“You’re right, 99. I forgot. I left my net in the dungeon! We’ll just have to break our way through this wall the way we broke our way through that panel upstairs.”

There was a crunching sound as Max threw his weight against the wall.

“Max? Are you all right?”

“Well, I’m not in as good shape as the wall is, 99.”

Lucky Bucky’s voice was heard again. “They’re here someplace! Grab ’em!”

“We’ll have to fight our way out, 99!” Max said.

The guards and Lucky Bucky reached the foot of the steps. A battle began. Karate chops hacked through the darkness.

“I got one, 99!”

“That was me, Max.”

“Sorry about that, 99.”

Bodies dropped to the floor. Guards chopped guards. Guards chopped Max. Max chopped Lucky Bucky. Lucky Bucky chopped 99. 99 chopped Max. Max chopped the wall.

“Owwwwwww!”

“Max, there are too many of them!”

“Give me your hand, 99!”

“Here, Max!”

Max grabbed the hand and raced back up the stairs. He reached the opening to Guru Optimo’s room.

“We’re free, 99!” he said. “We can—”

He found that he was holding Lucky Bucky’s hand.

“Zop’im!” Lucky Bucky shouted to Guru Optimo.

Max ducked back into the secret passageway, dragging Lucky Bucky with him. He dropped Lucky Bucky with a karate chop, then dashed back down the steps.

“99—that wasn’t you! Where are you?”

“Here, Max!”

Max found a hand. Holding it firmly, he started back up the stairs—then stopped.

“99,” he said, “are you sure this is you? I’d feel a little silly if I dragged a guard up these steps.”

“I think it’s me, Max. Somebody has hold of my hand.”

“It might be a guard, 99.”

“How can we tell, Max?”

“Let’s see . . . I know. Here’s something a guard wouldn’t know. What was the name of my drama teacher when I was in second grade?”

“Miss Himmelman?”

“That’s right, 99. It’s you! Come on!”

They scampered up the steps—and reached Guru Optimo’s room just as Lucky Bucky was recovering.

“Zop ’im!”

They turned and dashed back down the steps.

“Max! The guards are coming back up after us!”

“This way, 99!”

There was a crash! Max had broken through the wall into another room.

“That was quick thinking, Max,” 99 said.

“Actually, 99, I thought I was heading back up the steps. Apparently I lost my sense of direction in the darkness.”

They looked around the room they had entered. It was crowded with glass cases that were mounted on pedestals. Inside the cases were ancient musical instruments.

“It’s the music room, Max,” 99 said, fascinated. “Look at all those wonderful old instruments. There’s a sixteenth century Strumplecord, and a bass saxopular, and a thirteenth century hinkenschmaller, and a—”

“99, that’s very interesting. But when the guards and Lucky Bucky get to that hole in the wall they’re going to guess where we are.”

“I know, Max. But, look, there’s a fourteenth century aphelkhnocker! ”

“99, will you—”

“In there!” they heard Lucky Bucky shout. “Grab ’em!”

Max and 99 ran to the door. Max yanked it open and they darted out into the corridor.

“Which way, Max?”

“It’s time to split up, 99. If they get one of us, the other can try to complete the mission. You go that way, and I’ll go this way.”

They ran down the corridor, each in a different direction. Max turned left and raced down another corridor. Meanwhile, 99 turned right and dashed down a different corridor. At the next corner, Max turned left again. 99, reaching the next corner, turned right. They met head-on in the corridor, crashed, and staggered back, stunned.

“I think we better stick together, Max,” 99 said.

“Either that or work out some signals,” Max replied.

Lucky Bucky and the guards appeared at the end of the corridor.

“Grab’em!”

“Is that all he can say, grab’em and zop’em?” Max complained. “I’m getting a little tired of hearing it.”

“I don’t think you’ll be hearing it much longer, Max. He’s bound to catch us sooner or later. He knows the castle, and we don’t. Oh-oh! Here they come again.”

Max and 99 turned and ran back along the corridor. When they reached the corner they turned right, then, at the next corner, took another right. They came to an open doorway and ran into the room.

“And a whelpschmacher,” 99 said. “And a pianissimo, and—”

They dashed back into the secret passageway and raced up the steps. A few moments later they reached Guru Optimo’s room. Once more, he sat up in bed.

“Have you been thinking about that offer to rejoin Control?” Max asked.

Guru Optimo grinned. “What do you mean, ‘limp,’ Doctor? You operated on my lower lip.”

“Oh. Well, it was a natural mistake,” Max replied.

Behind them, Lucky Bucky’s voice shouted, “Zop’em!”

Max and 99 dived under the bed.

The guards dived under after them.

Max and 99 emerged and ran toward the doorway.

There was a flash of light.

“Duck!” Max warned.

The flash missed them. They darted through the doorway.

Behind them, they heard, “Quack! Quack! Quack!”

“He got another guard,” Max guessed. “Poor fellow. I wish now that I’d yelled something besides ‘duck!’ ”

99 looked back. “Max, they’re right behind us! Where to now?”

“I’m not sure, 99. I guess we’ll— No! Up ahead! See that!”

“That door at the end of the corridor, you mean, Max?”

“Yes. It’ll save us!”

“Max . . . how?”

“See what it says over the door?”

99 peered ahead. “It says . . . ‘Squash Room.’ Max, what is that?”

“Squash is a game, 99. It’s played on a four-walled court that is sixteen-feet high by eighteen-and-a-half feet wide by thirty-two feet deep. The back wall, which is shorter than the front wall, usually measures about nine-feet. Horizontal service lines six-and-one-half feet high are marked on both the front and back walls, while a floor service line is marked off ten-feet from, and parallel to, the back wall. The court is marked into two service—”

“Max, that’s fascinating,” 99 interrupted. “But what makes you think a squash room will save us?”

“Don’t you want to know what the game is played with, 99?”

“All right, Max.”

“A hard rubber ball.”

“Gee.”

“It’s one-and-three-quarters inches in diameter.”

“Golly whiz. Now, what makes you think the squash room will save us?”

“Because I doubt very much that it’s a squash room, 99. When this castle was built, the game of squash hadn’t even been invented.”

“I see. Then what is the squash room, Max?”

“Unless I miss my guess, it’s V. T. Brattleboro.”

“Max—”

“It’s the only thing that makes sense, 99. Would a Spanish castle have a squash room? Of course not! What’s happened is, Brattleboro has clouded our minds, making us think that he’s a squash room.”

“Max, I’ve never doubted you as a source of wisdom, but—”

“Believe in me, 99. Don’t change sources in midstream.”

“All right, Max.”

They reached the squash room. Max opened the door, they dashed in, then Max slammed the door behind them.

The room was vacant. There were no windows, and no other doors.

“Didn’t I tell you, 99?” Max said. “Do you see any service lines? Do you see a hard rubber ball? I knew this wasn’t a squash room. It’s completely empty.”

“It doesn’t look much like V. T. Brattleboro, either, Max.”

“But it looks like Brattleboro masquerading as an empty room. You can’t argue with that, 99.”

There was a sound at the door.

“It’s Lucky Bucky and the guards, Max.”

“Don’t worry, 99, Brattleboro won’t let them in.”

“Smart! You’re in there—right, baby?” Lucky Bucky called in.

“Snug as a couple bugs in a KAOS agent!” Max called back. “Your luck has run out, Lucky Bucky. You’re locked out.”

There was a burst of laughter from outside.

“He’s taking it well,” Max said to 99.

“You know, Max, we’re also locked in,” she pointed out.

“But safe, 99. That’s what’s important.”

Then they heard another sound—the sound of a motor starting. This was followed by a different sound—the sound of gears grinding.

“Max . . . what was that? It sounded as if it were right here in this room.”

“Maybe it was Brattleboro shifting his feet,” Max suggested. “It probably gets tiresome masquerading as a vacant room.”

99 looked upward. “Max . . .”

“Yes, 99?”

“Max, doesn’t that ceiling look lower to you?”

Max, too, peered upward. “You’re slumping!” he called out.

“Who are you talking to, Max?”

“Brattleboro.”

“Max, this room isn’t Brattleboro. We’re in a trap. The ceiling is being lowered on us. We’re going to be smashed.”

Max thought for a moment. Then he called out again. “Lucky Bucky? Still there?”

“Still here, Max Baby. Still enjoying the little joke.”

Max went to the door and tried the knob. “Locked,” he reported to 99.