Get Smart 6 - And Loving It! (14 page)

“He had a lot of enemies that were too skinny to squash,” Lucky Bucky replied. “He’d squash them, but they’d look the same as before. So he got himself a dieing room.”

“For what, may I ask?”

“What else? For dieing his skinny enemies.”

Max looked up at the ceiling. “I suppose this pipe is in here for some purpose other than spoiling the looks of the room,” he said.

“That’s where the gas comes out,” Lucky Bucky explained. “It shoots out of the pipe and fills the room and after a couple minutes or so, you die.”

Max turned to 99. “Do you suppose that when Brattleboro left us he rushed in here and turned himself into a pipe?” he said.

“I don’t think we can count on it, Max.”

“Then, my guess is that we’re in big trouble, 99.”

“So long, secret agents,” Lucky Bucky called in, “I’m leaving now. Have a nice die.”

“And the same to you!” Max called back.

A moment later, gas began shooting into the room.

“Oh, Max, this is really the end!” 99 wept.

“Not necessarily yet, 99. Quick—climb up on my shoulders!”

“Won’t we look a little strange when they find us, Max?”

“99, don’t argue—I’m trying to save our lives!”

“I’m just thinking about my reputation, Max. When our bodies are found and word leaks out that I was standing on your shoulders, people will say that, at the last minute, I panicked.”

“Then how about this, 99? I’ll stand on your shoulders.”

“Well . . . if you don’t care what people say about you.”

With considerable difficulty, Max climbed up onto 99’s shoulders. He then put his hand over the end of the pipe, stopping the flow of gas.

“Max! That’s marvelous! We’re saved!”

“For the time being, anyway, 99. Of course, a lot is going to depend on how long we can keep this position. How long will you be able to hold me up, would you guess?”

“Maybe five or ten minutes, Max.”

“In that case, I think I better telephone the Chief and have him send help. Ahhhh . . . will you hand me my shoe phone, 99?”

“Lift your foot, Max.”

“99, if I lift my foot, I’ll fall. And if I fall, the gas will come shooting out of this pipe again.”

“But I can’t get your shoe off your foot unless you lift it, Max!”

“Then let’s try this. Instead of me—”

There was a ringing sound.

“It’s your shoe, Max,” 99 reported. “The Chief must be calling you.”

“Perfect timing.”

“Except that I still can’t get your shoe off unless you lift your foot, Max.”

The shoe rang again.

“Here’s my idea, 99. Instead of me lifting my foot, how about you lowering your shoulder?”

“Of course! Why didn’t I think of that!”

99 lowered her shoulder, removed Max’s shoe, then handed it up to him.

Max:
Agent 86 here. Is that you, Chief?

Chief:
Brattleboro? Is that you? Are you still trying to masquerade as the late Max Smart?

Max:
Chief, I’ve never been late in my life. What can I do to convince you that I’m not dead?

Chief:
There’s only one way. Have 99 tell me that you’re still alive.

Max (looking down): Chief, unfortunately, 99 can’t come to the phone right now. I’m standing on her shoulders.

Chief:
I was sure you’d have some excuse.

Max:
Let me try something else, Chief. Suppose I could tell you something about Max Smart that no one but Max Smart could possibly know?

Chief:
Well . . .

Max:
Please, Chief. It’s a matter of life and death. Now, suppose I were to ask you: What was the name of Max Smart’s drama teacher when he was in second grade? What would you answer?

Chief:
I haven’t the faintest idea.

Max:
How do you mean that, Chief? You haven’t the faintest idea what your answer would be, or you haven’t the faintest idea who the drama teacher was?

Chief:
Both.

Max:
That’s right, Chief! How could you possibly know who my drama teacher was? I’ve never told anyone but 99. Now, are you convinced that I’m me?

Chief:
All right, Max, I’m convinced. Nobody but you could think up a method like that to prove your identity.

Max:
Thank you, Chief. Now, about why I called. You see, 99 and I are—

Chief:
Max, you didn’t call me. I called Brattleboro. But, since you’re still alive, you can handle the matter as well as he could. I’m making out my end-of-the-month report and I have an expense item here, charged to you, that I can’t explain. It’s for twenty-eight cents. Will you look through your pockets and see if you can find a receipt for something for twenty-eight cents.

Max:
Chief, how could Brattleboro have helped you with a problem like that?

Chief:
I was going to ask him to find your body and look through the pockets.

Max:
Oh. Well, I’m sorry, Chief, but I can’t get to my pockets right at this moment. You see—

Chief:
Max, this is very important.

Max:
I’m sure it is, Chief. But both my hands are busy at the moment. I’m holding my left hand over the end of a pipe, and with my right hand I’m holding the phone. If I move my left hand, the room will be flooded with gas.

Chief:
Max, if there’s gas in the room, you better put out that pipe.

Max:
You don’t seem to understand, Chief. It isn’t that kind of pipe. It’s a gas pipe. So, could you send help, please?”

Chief:
Max, it’s lunchtime here. Nobody’s around.

Operator:
I’ll come, Maxie. I’m not on duty.

Max:
Operator, if you’re not on duty, what are you doing at the telephone company? Why don’t you go home?

Operator:
Go home? I haven’t been home in over a year, Max. I have a cot right here by the switchboard where I sleep. If I left, I might miss one of your kooky calls.

Max:
Just let me talk to the Chief, Operator. This is an emergency. Chief? Are you still there? Now, try to picture this. I’m standing on 99’s shoulders. With my left hand, I’m stopping the gas from shooting out of the pipe. And with my right hand, I’m talking to you. Got it? Now—

Chief:
Max, I understand all that. But I can’t send help if I don’t have anyone to send. Do you have any other suggestions?

Max:
How about calling the Gas Company, Chief, and asking them to shut off the service to the island?

Operator:
They probably won’t even talk to him. They’ve probably heard about him from the Electric Company.

Chief:
That’s a brilliant idea, Max. I’ll do it right away.

(sound of dialing, then muffled conversation)

Chief:
All right, Max, the gas is shut of.

Max:
Hold on a second more, Chief. I’ll take my hand off the end . . .Yes, you’re right! No gas!

Operator:
Maybe you didn’t pay your bill.

Max:
I think 99 and I can handle it from here, Chief. Thanks for the assist.

Chief:
You’re welcome, Max. Now, about that twenty-eight cents. Could you—

Max:
Could I call you back on that, Chief? We’re still not out of the rough. We’re locked in a room. And, for all we know, Lucky Bucky and Guru Optimo might be getting away. We might never see them again until they took over the world. And that could be too late, you know.

Chief:
You’re right, Max.

Operator:
I can’t bring myself to believe it.

Max:
That Lucky Bucky and Guru Optimo could take over the world?

Operator:
No, that you could be right.

Max handed his shoe down to 99. “Can you lower your shoulder and then slip this back on my foot?” he said.

“I’ll try, Max.”

Slowly and cautiously, 99 lowered her shoulder.

“You’re doing great, 99.”

“It’s all a matter of balance.” Bit by bit she slipped Max’s shoe back onto his foot. “Okay, Max,” she called. “What next?”

“Next, we have to try to get out of here,” Max replied.

“Now, take it easy, and see if you can walk me over to the door.”

Cautiously, 99 took a step.

“Oops! Careful!”

“Sorry, Max. This is so new to me.”

“Step by step, 99. You can do it.”

“All right, Max—ready? I’ll—”

“What is it, 99? Trouble?”

“Max, why am I carrying you on my shoulders?”

“99, you’re holding me up so I can keep my hand over the gas pipe. If I let go, the gas will come shooting— Just stand still, 99—I’ll be right down.”

Max hopped down to the floor, then moved on the door, got it by the knob, and rattled it.

“What do you think, Max?”

“Rattling the knob isn’t going to get us out of here.”

“It’s too bad we don’t have that dynamite with us, now that we’re nowhere near any peanut brittle.”

“99! That’s it!”

“Dynamite?”

“No.”

Max reached down and got his shoe.

“Peanut brittle?”

“No, 99, a new gadget developed by R & D. It’s an electronic sound, so high-pitched that when it strikes an object it shatters it to bits. I’m going to call the Chief and have him send the sound over the telephone line.”

“And knock down the door?”

“Knock it down? 99, this sound is so destructive it will splinter that door to ashes.”

“Wonderful, Max. What did our scientists have in mind when they developed it?”

“They were having trouble getting the lid off a jelly jar.”

“Oh. But, Max, if it’s that powerful—”

“Later, 99,” Max interrupted, dialing.

Operator:
Maybe you bought seven packs of gum at a going-out-of-business sale. At four cents apiece, that’s twenty-eight cents.

Max:
Nevermind that now, Operator. Get me the Chief.

Operator:
I wouldn’t call him if I couldn’t explain that twenty-eight cents.

Max:
Will you let me worry about that, Operator?

Operator:
I’m afraid you’ll get fired, Max. Then I wouldn’t have your kooky calls to listen to. I’d have to fold up my cot and go home.

Max:
Really, Operator, would that be so terrible?

Operator:
I’d miss my family. They’re living here at the telephone company with me.

Max:
Your
whole
family?

Voice:
Hi, Max—this is Uncle Ned.

Max:
Supervisor!

Operator:
All right, all right, don’t be a stool pigeon! With whom did you wish to speak to whom, Please?

Max:
The Chief! And fast!

(click)

Chief:
Control . . . Chief here . . .

Max:
It’s me, Agent 86, Chief.

Chief:
Good—got that door opened, eh? All right now, Max, about that twenty-eight cents. Do you have any idea—

Max:
Chief, the door is still locked. That’s why I called you. Remember that marvelous gadget that R & D developed last week—the one that works on the principle of high-pitched sound waves?

Chief:
You mean the jelly jar opener, Max?

Max:
Right, Chief. Now—

Operator:
Are you listening, Uncle Ned? Here comes the kooky part. Max wants to use the jelly jar opener on the door.

Voice:
Hee-hee-hee! Old Maxie!

Chief:
Who was that!

Max:
Ignore it, Chief. Here’s the thing—would it be possible to send that sound over the telephone line? I’d like to use it to disintegrate this door.

Chief:
We could try it, Max. I have the gadget right here. It’s sitting on my desk.

Max:
Isn’t that a little dangerous, Chief? A gadget like that, sitting around on a desk.

Chief:
I don’t intend to leave it here, Max. I’m taking it home with me tonight. I have a jar of pickles that’s been sitting in the refrigerator for months and the lid has rusted. I thought—

Max:
I understand, Chief. But, could we take care of my door first? I’ll aim my shoe at it, and you send the sound over the line—all right?

Chief:
Just let me know when you’re ready, Max.

Max:
Pardon, Chief? I didn’t get that.

Chief:
Ready, I said.

Max:
Ready?

(Sound of sizzling wires)

Chief:
Did that do it, Max?

Max:
I didn’t have it aimed at the door yet, Chief.

Chief:
Where was it aimed?

Max:
I’d rather not say, Chief. But I’ll tell you this much—it’ll be a long time before I ever have to wash my right ear again.

Voice:
Hee-hee-hee! Old Maxie!

Max:
Will you just stay out of this, Uncle Ned, please? Chief—try it again. When I say ‘now.’

Chief:
Now?

Max:
Yes, now.

(Sound of sizzling wires)

Max:
Perfect, Chief! Where that door was, there is nothing but a small pile of ashes!

Chief:
Good, Max. Now, can we discuss that twenty-eight cents?

Max:
I’d like to finalize this mission first, Chief, if you don’t mind.

Chief:
How long would it take to explain twenty-eight cents, Max?

Max:
All right—just say I made a couple phone calls.

Chief:
Phone calls are a dime apiece. This is for twenty-eight cents.

Max:
Then call it two and eight-tenths phone calls, Chief.

Chief:
Finally! I don’t know why you have to make such a big problem out of a little matter like twenty-eight cents, Max. All right, that takes care of it. Good luck with the mission.

Operator:
Max? Uncle Ned wants to know if he’ll have time for a nap before you make your next kooky call.

Max:
Supervisor!

(click)

M
AX AND
99 left the dieing room and made their way quietly along the corridor.

“Where are we going, Max?” 99 asked, whispering.

“To find Lucky Bucky and Guru Optimo.”

“I know that. But, I mean where are we going to look?”