Get Smart 6 - And Loving It! (3 page)

“I hear something,” 99 said.

“Yes—so do I. It sounds like . . . gurgle, gurgle, gurgle. There must be a stream somewhere nearby. Either that, or—Brattleboro? Are you, by any chance, strangling?”

There was no reply.

“Brattleboro!” Max called.

Again, no answer.

“99, where is Brattleboro?” Max asked.

“I don’t know, Max. The last time I saw him was when we jumped down from the plane. He must be—Max, his survival kit is missing too! I think he’s deserted us.”

“99, that’s ridiculous. We’re working together. He probably just—”

A shot rang out! A bullet zinged past Max’s ear!

“Down!” Max shouted, flattening himself against the ground.

“He’s trying to kill us!” 99 cried.

“Wouldn’t you know it? Once a KAOS man, always a KAOS man!”

Another shot rang out. A bullet hit near them.

“Shoot back, Max!”

“At what, 99? I don’t have the eyes of a cat.” He raised himself on his elbows, peering into the pitch blackness. “Although, I
can
see that the beacon on the Empire State Building is out again.”

“The survival kit, Max—maybe it has a flashlight.”

Max zipped open his kit. “Yes, I think . . . You’re right, 99. Here’s a flashlight.”

“Shield the light, Max. Don’t let Brattleboro see it.”

Max switched on the light, but kept a hand cupped around the beam. “Let’s see, now, what I can find in this kit,” he said. “It seems to contain a number of tiny capsules. Here’s a capsule of scrambled eggs . . . good . . . and a capsule of parsley . . .
very
good . . . and a capsule of fresh water, thirty-seven gallons . . . excellent . . . and a capsule of . . . ah, here’s what we want, 99—a capsule of collapsible machine gun!”

“How will that help, Max?”

“Well, it would be pointless to fire into the darkness with a pistol, when I can’t see Brattleboro. But with a machine gun I can spray the whole area with bullets and perhaps, if luck is with me, hit him by sheer accident.”

“I suppose it’s worth a try,” 99 said.

Max broke open the capsule and a full-size machine gun popped out. Gripping it tautly, he jumped to his feet. “This is it, Brattleboro!” he shouted. He began firing, turning slowly in a circle. Bullets tore into the trees and underbrush. And the trees, sliced away at the base, began falling.

“Max! Watch out! That tree!”

He dived out of the way just in time. Then, leaping to his feet again, he began firing once more. To the right, the trees fell! To the left, the trees fell!

“Max! Stop!” 99 cried. “You’ll get us killed.”

He lowered the machine gun. “99, you don’t seem to understand. I’m trying to get Brattleboro, not us.”

“But, Max, you’ve leveled all the trees already!”

Max looked around. “I guess I have, haven’t I? Well, that takes care of the man from KAOS.”

“How can you be sure, Max?”

“99, remember when we first met Brattleboro? He was posing as a painting. This time, unless I miss my guess, he was posing as a tree. And, as you just pointed out, all the trees are now lying flat on the ground. We’re safe!”

“Max . . .” 99 said, looking worried. “Remember that gurgle, gurgle, gurgle? Listen—”

Max cocked an ear. “Yes, I see what you mean. It’s become a sort of brogum, brogum, brogum—and much louder.”

“Flash the light over in that direction, Max.”

He aimed the beam of the flashlight at the spot that 99 had indicated. They saw that a number of the trees had fallen across a stream.

“Max—the stream is dammed.”

“99! Watch your language, please!”

“No, Max, I mean the trees are stopping the water from flowing along the stream bed. That could be dangerous. It could cause a flood. If the dam breaks, all that water that’s building up behind the trees could—”

“99,” Max interrupted, “I think you have a tendency to exaggerate. Forget about the stream. Our problem now is to find that castle.”

“But, Max, listen—Now, the stream is going hargaber, hargaber, hargaber! I’m afraid the—”

“Forget it, 99! That’s an order!” He picked up the survival kit. “Do you suppose they included a map of the island in here? It would certainly be a help.”

“Max! Those tree trunks—they’re going skreek, skreek, skreek!”

“I think that’s what I’d do too, 99, if I were holding back a stream that was going hargaber, hargaber, hargaber.” He took a capsule from the kit. “Ah . . . this is interesting, a capsule of paddles for a collapsible boat. I wonder if—”

“Max!” 99 said, shuddering, “Those tree trunks are going gramf, gramf, gramf!”

“Probably a speech impediment,” Max replied. “Yes, here it is,” he said, taking another capsule from the kit. “A capsule for—”

“Max! The dam is breaking!”

He looked up. The tree trunks had splintered, and a great wall of water was rushing toward them.

“Talk about the nick of time,” Max said. “I just found a capsule of collapsible boat to go with that capsule of paddles.”

Quickly, Max broke the two capsules. A fully-inflated rubber boat and two paddles popped out. He and 99 leaped aboard, grasping the paddles, just as the wall of water reached them. The boat was swept up by a huge wave, and moments later they found themselves bounding downstream, carried along by the irresistible force of the flood.

“Max! Do something!” 99 squealed, struggling to stay aboard the boat. “We’re going to be carried out to sea!”

“99, I
am
doing something—I’m paddling!”

“It isn’t helping, Max!”

“I didn’t say I was doing something constructive, I just said I was doing something.”

The boat was hit by another huge wave. With Max and 99 still clinging to it, it submerged. When it bobbed to the surface again a few seconds later, both Max and 99 were paddling furiously. Then 99 stopped.

“Max—the island, where is it?” 99 cried.

“I’m having trouble enough as it is, 99. Let the island find its own boat.”

“Max, it’s gone. We were swept out to sea!”

“Good riddance!” Max said. “It was nothing but trouble, anyway.”

“But, Max, we’re lost! Lost at sea!”

The boat had stopped pitching and tossing. Max sat up and looked around. “Well, we’re at sea, 99, I’ll go along with you that far,” he said. “But we’re hardly lost. After all, we’re intelligent beings, we can determine direction. And we know that the mainland lies to the east of us and the island lies to the west of us.”

99 sat up too. “From here, which direction is which, Max?”

“Offhand, I don’t know. But we can find out easily enough. We know that the sun rises in the west and sets in the east. So all we—”

“Max, it’s the other way around.”

“Oh. All right, then, we know that the sun sets in the east and rises in the west. So—”

“No, Max, when I said the other way around, I meant to transpose east and west, not rises and sets.”

“Skip it, 99. It’s the middle of the night and the sun isn’t out, anyway.” He looked up into the sky. “Maybe we can use the stars to guide us.”

99 peered up too. “Wliat are we looking for, Max?”

“A group of stars in the shape of an arrow that blink on and off and spell out ‘To the Mainland.’ ”

“To the mainland, Max? We want to get back to the island, don’t we?”

“99, we wouldn’t survive an hour on that island. We lost our survival kits. Our only chance is to reach the mainland, get new kits, then have that helicopter pilot fly us to the island again.”

“All right, Max, if you say so. But if the stars won’t point the way, how are we going to find the mainland?”

“Instinct, 99. How do the birds find the north after they’ve been down south all winter? Instinct, that’s how.” He pointed. “And my instinct tells me that the mainland is thataway.”

Max and 99 began paddling, steering in the direction that Max’s instinct told him would take them to the mainland. They paddled throughout the rest of the night, and then at the break of dawn they spied a shape on the horizon.

“The mainland!” Max said exultantly. “Score another victory for instinct!”

“Max . . . it looks awfully small to be the west coast of the United States.”

“That’s because we’re still a long distance away, 99.”

“Then how come our boat is bumping on the beach?”

Max looked over the side and saw sand. The boat had beached on an island. “Well, at least I’ve learned something today, 99,” he said. “It isn’t instinct that guides those birds back from the South. I think they must follow the railroad tracks.”

They got out of the boat and pulled it up on dry land.

“Do you have any idea where we are, Max?” 99 said.

“On an island—that’s about as far out on a limb as I’m willing to go at this point. Let’s look around.”

“But, Max, it looks just like that other island we were on—it’s nothing but jungle. We’re really doomed this time, Max. No one will know where to look for us.”

“There’s a stream over there,” Max said. “Let’s follow it. We may be doomed, as you say, 99, but as long as we keep to the stream, at least we’ll have fresh water.”

They plunged into the jungle, staying close to the stream. Their clothing snagged on brambles. They had to fight their way past thick, low-hanging vines. But then soon, almost miraculously, they emerged into a small clearing.

“Look at those trees, 99!” Max said, appalled. “They must have been hit by some terrible disease.”

“Max . . . I know where we are,” 99 said.

“Oh? Do you read sick trees, 99? That’s quite a talent.”

“Max, those trees aren’t sick. They were mowed down by a machine gun.”

“That’s terrible,” Max said sympathetically. “You can sometimes recover from an illness, but from getting mowed down by a machine gun, never. I wonder who— Oh. I think I’m beginning to see what you mean, 99. What you’re trying to say is that we’re back on the same island that we were washed off of last night.”

“I’m afraid so, Max,” 99 said gloomily. “All we managed to accomplish during the night was to lose our survival kit and everything that went with it.”

“Well, at least we weren’t idle,” Max said.

“What do you have in mind for today?” 99 inquired.

“I think that’s pretty obvious. First, we’ll find the castle. Then we’ll recapture Guru Optimo. Then we’ll contact the mainland and have them send the helicopter for us. Then we’ll take Guru Optimo back to headquarters and turn him over to the Chief.”

“Max, I’m hungry. I’m hungry and I’m tired.”

“But first we’ll have breakfast,” Max said. “Since we no longer have the survival kit, though, of course, we’ll have to depend on our wits to scare up some food. You look for some berries, 99. And, meanwhile, I’ll build a few traps and snare some small animals.”

“For what, Max?”

“To eat. This is a desperate situation, 99. We have to think of our tum-tums. By the time you collect a few berries, I’ll have a squirrel or a hedgehog roasting over the grill.”

“What grill, Max?”

“First things first. Go collect your berries and let me get at my trap-building.”

99 headed toward the bushes, and Max began gathering fallen branches. After he had collected a good number, he began stripping the bark from a few. “In times of crisis like this, the thing to do is keep your head,” he called out to 99. “As long as we don’t panic, we’re all right.”

“Max, what are you doing?” 99 asked, looking over.

“I’ll strip these strips into smaller strips and use them as cord,” he replied. “I’ll use the cord to tie together the parts of the trap.”

“Max, that’s brilliant!”

“Simply keeping my head,” Max said modestly.

He broke the branches into lengths of approximately equal size, then, using the strips of bark as binding, he began constructing the first trap. “This reminds me of last Christmas Eve,” he called over to 99.

She looked up into the sky.

“No, I don’t mean that it’s snowing. Last Christmas Eve, I was doing this same thing.”

“Building a trap to catch a squirrel?”

“No, no, putting something together. It was a tricycle.”

“Oh, yes, I remember. Your car was in the garage, wasn’t it?”

“99, it wasn’t a tricycle for me,” Max said. “It was supposed to be a gift for my nephew. But you know how you get things these days, all in parts, and you have to put them together yourself. Well, I was assembling this tricycle—just as I’m assembling this trap, now. Except that this is child’s play compared to that. Have you ever seen the instructions for assembling a tricycle, 99? It’s very complicated. They tell you to connect Part A to Part B, but then, in a very sneaky way, they tell you that Part A won’t connect to Part B until after you’ve connected Part F to Part M, which first have to be linked to Part Z.”

“That doesn’t sound so difficult, Max.”

“Part M looked exactly like Part Y.”

“Oh. Well, I can see how that—”

“Ouch!”

“What happened, Max?”

“Nothing. I just gouged myself in the hand with Part Z.”

“Part Z?”

“This branch.”

“Oh.”

“Putting that tricycle together taught me a good lesson, 99. After I lost my temper and threw Parts A through L into the incinerator and Parts M through Z into the garbage disposal, I realized that there’s never much to be gained by losing your head.”

“What made you decide that, Max?”

“Well, I had to go out and buy another tricycle and try to put it together. And a few minutes later I was back at the incinerator and the garbage disposal with the second set of Parts A through L and M through Z.”

“How’s the trap coming, Max?”

“Fine. Yes, 99, that experience taught me— Oh-oh.”

“What now, Max?”

“I tied my thumb to Part B.”

“Max, forget about the trap. We’ll eat berries.”

“99, I am not going to let a simple thing like a trap defeat me. I learned my lesson last Christmas Eve. If you keep your head—”

“Max? What is it?”

Silence.

“Max?”

“I think it would be better for all concerned, 99, if you didn’t babble at me while I’m trying to construct a very complicated— Drat!”

“Max—don’t lose your head!”

“I can’t find Part D!”

“Max—”

“Where is the incinerator around here!” Max shouted, jumping up.