Get Smart 6 - And Loving It! (7 page)

“Man the lifeboats!” 99 cried.

“What seems to be the problem?” Max asked.

“I’m about to ram a lighthouse!”

“99, that isn’t a lighthouse. That’s me. I’m flashing a light around, trying to unhypnotize that guard.”

Again, Max attempted to shine the light in the guard’s eyes. But the guard simply would not hold still long enough. Finally, Max gave up.

“We’re sunk, 99,” he said dismally.

“Shhh! Don’t let my passengers hear you say that!”

“They might as well know the worst. There is no possible way for us to survive. And it’s all the fault of that KAOS agent, V. T. Brattleboro. What a double-dealer! Although, I don’t know why I expected any more. A KAOS agent is the lowest form of life.”

At that instant, the guard, who had been six feet tall, skinny and bareheaded, stopped giggling and squirming, became short, fat and topped by a derby hat, and leaned over the edge of the well and said indignantly, “Oh, yeah!”

“V. T. Brattleboro!”

“Come out from behind that ferry boat and say that!” the KAOS agent said threateningly. “I dare you!”

“So it’s you, is it!” Max replied. “Mister Bad Guy in person! You just pull me out of this well and I’ll thrash you to within an inch of your lowest form of life!”

“You and who else!” Brattleboro sneered.

“Me and my ferry boat, that’s who!”

Furious, Brattleboro grabbed the crank and began hoisting the bucket from the well. Max and 99 were tossed about. The moonlight, reflected in the hand mirror, flashed in 99’s eyes.

“Max!” she cried suddenly. “Where am I?”

“I couldn’t say exactly, 99. Somewhere between Staten Island and lower Manhattan, but that’s as much as I can tell you.”

“Max, why, for heaven’s sake, would I be there?”

“Because that’s where the Staten— 99, you are the Staten Island Ferry, aren’t you?”

She stared at him. “The Staten Island Ferry! Max, I’m 99! Don’t you remember me? Did Guru Optimo hypnotize you?”

“I’ll explain it later, 99,” Max replied. “Right now, I have to—”

V. T. Brattleboro reached into the bucket, got Max by an arm, yanked, and hurled him across the dungeon, where he splattered against a stone wall, then dropped in a heap to the stone floor.

“Call me a lowest form of life, will you!” Brattleboro said, outraged.

Dazed, Max struggled to his feet. He shook his head, clearing his vision. “Not only are you a lowest form of life,” he responded, “but you are also unclean, irreverent, untrustworthy—”

“Don’t try to win me over with compliments now,” Brattleboro snarled.

“—and nasty to your mother!”

Brattleboro charged.

Max sidestepped and dropped him with a karate chop.

Stunned, Brattleboro dragged himself slowly to his knees.

“Max, we’re supposed to be working together,” 99 said. “Why are you two fighting?”

“Because our friend almost fed us to the crocodiles.”

“I don’t remember that, Max. When did it happen?”

“While you were the Staten Island Ferry, 99.”

“Max! Are you going to start that again! I have never been the Staten Island Ferry!”

“Ed Sullivan is going to be very unhappy to hear that, 99.”

Brattleboro had regained his feet.

“Max! Watch out!” 99 cried.

Max and Brattleboro hit each other with karate chops at the same instant. They dropped to the floor together and lay side by side, unconscious.

99 shook them. “Max . . . Brattleboro . . . get up!”

Max opened his eyes. “Well, I lost fairly, anyway,” he said. “That’s something.”

Brattleboro opened his eyes. “Well, I lost unfairly, anyway,” he said. “That’s something.”

“It was a draw,” 99 informed them. “You both lost.”

Max and Brattleboro jumped to their feet and raised their hands to karate chop each other again.

“Stop it!” 99 said. “You’re acting like children!”

“He started it,” Max pouted. “The first thing he did when we landed on the island was try to kill us!”

“A little joke—all in fun,” Brattleboro said. “How did I know you’d misunderstand. I wouldn’t have done it if I’d known you were going to shoot back at me with a machine gun.”

“All right, your apology is accepted,” Max replied. “But what about when you were dropping us into that well in that bucket.”

“I don’t remember that, Max,” 99 said.

“It didn’t happen. He made it up,” Brattleboro said to her.

“Max, you shouldn’t make up stories,” 99 said.

“Stories? 99, I remember clearly that—” He interrupted himself, looking puzzledly at Brattleboro. “Why aren’t you squirming and giggling any more?” he said. “I saw Guru Optimo zop you with a spell.”

“While he was zopping me with a spell, I was zopping him with a spell,” Brattleboro explained.

“I don’t think I quite understand that.”

“Well, as he hypnotized me into thinking I was ticklish, I hypnotized him into thinking that he had hypnotized me into thinking I was ticklish. But, actually, his zop was canceled out by my zop. So, although I had hypnotized him into thinking he had hypnotized me into thinking I was ticklish, actually, I wasn’t hypnotized at all—he was. Clear?”

“No. But forget it. Let’s go back to where you were dropping us into the well. That was your second attempt to try to kill us.”

“Only teasing,” Brattleboro said. “I would have pulled you out.”

“You pulled us out only because you were angry about me calling you a lowest form of life.”

“Just a minute, Max,” 99 said. “Why don’t I remember any of this?”

Max explained. He told her everything that had happened since Guru Optimo had hypnotized her.

“Well . . . I still don’t remember it,” she said.

“But you believe me, don’t you?”

“Yes, Max, of course. That is, all except the part about me being the Staten Island Ferry. That’s preposterous.”

“I agree,” Brattleboro said. “You shouldn’t make up stories, Max.”

Max raised his hand to deliver a karate chop.

“No, Max!” 99 intervened.

“All right,” Max said grudgingly. “I’m willing to forget everything that’s happened up ’til now and declare a truce. But he’ll have to stop trying to kill us.”

“Do you agree?” 99 said to Brattleboro.

“I agree—Max is willing to forget everything that’s happened up ’til now.”

“And the rest, too.”

“Okay—and he’ll have to stop trying to kill us.”

“No,” 99 said, “
you
’ll have to stop trying to kill us.

“I promise—for what it’s worth,” Brattleboro replied.

“Say ‘We’ll all be friends and we’ll work together,’ ” 99 insisted.

Brattleboro put a hand behind his back and crossed his fingers. “We’ll all be friends and we’ll work together,” he said.

“Now, you, Max.”

Max put a hand behind his back and crossed his fingers, “Ditto,” he said.

“Good,” 99 beamed. “Now, what next?”

Max pointed to Brattleboro. “I think we better bind him and gag him and hide him somewhere before he double-crosses us again,” he said.

“Max!”

“That wouldn’t be very smart,” Brattleboro said. “I couldn’t tell you my plan if I were gagged.”

Max eyed him suspiciously. “What plan?”

“Well, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this case,” Brattleboro replied, “and this is the way it looks to me. I think the real danger is not Guru Optimo, but Lucky Bucky Buckley. When Guru Optimo is alone, he’s probably harmless. It’s Buckley’s influence over him that makes him a threat to civilization as we know it. Right?”

“Maybe yes and maybe no,” Max replied. “What’s your plan?”

“We heard Buckley say that they were going to bed,” Brattleboro continued. “That means that, right now, they’re in separate rooms. Buckley will be in his bedroom, and Guru Optimo will be in his bedroom. In other words, at this particular moment, Buckley is unable to work his influence on Guru Optimo. Right?”

“I’d rather not commit myself,” Max replied. “What about the plan?”

“We’ll separate,” Brattleboro said. “You and 99 will look for Buckley’s room. And I’ll look for Guru Optimo’s room. When we find them, we’ll destroy them both.”

“Why didn’t you just say that? Why all that involved explanation?” Max asked.

“I’m a fuzzy thinker.”

“Oh.”

“But this is such a big castle,” 99 said. “And we don’t have any idea where their bedrooms might be.”

“See what a fuzzy thinker I am,” Brattleboro said apologetically.

“Maybe I can straighten it out,” Max said. “How does this sound? Brattleboro, you go one way, and look for Guru Optimo’s room, and 99 and I will go another way, and look for Buckley’s room.”

“Fantastic,” Brattleboro said. “Why didn’t I think of that?”

“Because you have a fuzzy mind,” Max informed him.

“But, Max, that doesn’t make the castle any smaller,” 99 pointed out.

“Did I say it did? Are you catching Brattleboro’s fuzzy-mindedness, 99?”

“I better go before I start an epidemic,” Brattleboro said.

Max stopped him. “Just a moment. We’re in the dungeon. And there’s only one way out. So how can we separate?”

“By cracky, you’ve done it again—lit a candle in the darkness!” Brattleboro said, impressed. “But what’s the answer?”

“We’ll go to the first floor—
then
we’ll separate,” Max decided.

“Brilliant! Brilliant! Now, I know why Control is the organization that it is!”

Max smiled modestly. “Why?” he asked.

“Because it has the Government behind it. KAOS could be the organization that it is, too, if it had all that tax money to support it.”

“Frankly, I doubt it,” Max replied scornfully.

With Max in the lead they made their way along the narrow corridor, then up the steps to the main floor. The main floor halls were almost totally dark.

“I’ll go that way,” Brattleboro said.

“I can’t see which way you’re pointing,” Max replied.

“That way.”

“Nevermind. Just go.”

Brattleboro disappeared into the dimness.

“We’ll go this way,” Max said to 99.

They started out, staying close to the walls.

“Excuse me,” Max said.

“You’re excused.”

“99, your voice is changing.”

“That wasn’t me, Max.”

“It was me,” Brattleboro’s voice said. “What are you doing here? You were supposed to go the other way.”

“I didn’t know which way the other way was until now,” Max replied. “99?” he said. “Are you still here? We’re headed in the wrong direction.”

“I can’t see you, Max.”

“Here . . . take my hand.”

“I’ve got it, Max.”

“That’s my hand,” V. T. Brattleboro’s voice said.

“I thought you’d left,” Max said.

“I did. But in this dark, I must have gone in a circle.”

“We need a light of some kind,” Max said. “Anybody got a match?”

“I have a miniature flashlight,” Brattleboro said.

“That’s even better.”

“You think so? Every try to light a cigar with one?”

“For this purpose, I mean, it’s better,” Max said. “Light your miniature flashlight, then go in whatever direction you want to, and we’ll go in the other direction.”

“You did it again,” Brattleboro said.

A pinpoint of light suddenly appeared. Then it moved down the corridor.

“Shall we go, too?” 99 said to Max.

“Shhhh!”

“Why, Max?”

“I don’t want Brattleboro to hear you.”

“But he knows we’re going to go.”

“Yes, but he doesn’t know which direction we’re going to go, 99. Let him get a little bit ahead of us, then we’re going to follow him.”

“Max . . . that isn’t the plan.”

“It’s my plan, 99. Brattleboro’s plan is to double-cross us. That’s why I’ve instituted my own plan, which is to double-cross him.”

“Could you explain that to me, Max?”

“99, while we were having dinner with Buckley and Guru Optimo, Brattleboro had plenty of time to wander around the castle. It’s my guess that this isn’t a wild goose chase he’s on, that he knows exactly where Guru Optimo’s room is located.”

“But why wouldn’t he share the information with us?”

“Because, while we were roaming around in these corridors, chasing that goose, he would have time to go straight to Guru Optimo’s room and talk him into rejoining KAOS.”

“Max, maybe, but—”

“Come on, 99,” Max broke in. “We can’t let that light get out of our sight!”

They moved quietly down the corridor in pursuit of Brattleboro.

“Max, what’s the rest of your plan?” 99 whispered.

“We’ll let Brattleboro lead us to Guru Optimo’s room, then we’ll put Brattleboro out of commission—temporarily, of course—then we’ll talk Guru Optimo into rejoining Control.”

“Max . . . I lost the light. Do you see it?”

“I haven’t taken my eye off it since Brattleboro first lit it, 99. There it is, right up ahead. It seems to have stopped. Let’s get closer.”

They crept nearer.

“Max,” 99 whispered, “that doesn’t look like the light.”

“I tell you, I’ve had my eye on it every second.”

“But, Max, that looks like the moonlight from that window over there shining on a suit of armor.”

“Exactly what Brattleboro wants you to think, 99.”

“You mean—”

“Isn’t it obvious? Brattleboro has clouded our minds, making us think that he’s a suit of armor with the moonlight shining on him. Very romantic, but it won’t work. You’ll notice that the suit of armor is standing by a doorway. That doorway leads to Guru Optimo’s room. As soon as we leave, thinking we’ve lost the light, Brattleboro will enter the room and do his dirty work.”

“What can we do, Max?”

“Since we now know where Guru Optimo’s room is located, we no longer need Brattleboro to lead us to it. I’ll stroll up to that suit of armor, pretending I’m lost, then I’ll suddenly turn on it and put it out of commission with a karate chop.”

“All right. But . . . careful, Max . . .”

Max meandered up the corridor, looking as if he were lost. Then, reaching the suit of armor, he abruptly raised an arm and chopped it across the back of the neck.

There was a clanging sound.

“What happened, Max?” 99 called.

“I think I broke my hand, 99.”

“How is Brattleboro?”