Ghost Time (42 page)

He was one of those bland mall cops, a big guy, not quite overweight, with pink skin and pudgy fingers and a crew cut. He didn’t say anything, but you could tell by the way he tiptoed around us that we were in big trouble. And the whole time we were sitting there, waiting for Knox to show up, the guy was trying not to stare at Mel, but he wasn’t doing a very good job. So finally, Mel goes,
Dude, look or don’t look—god, you’d think you’d never seen a palsied girl with a Siouxsie Sioux haircut and a Meat Is Murder shirt before
, and I started laughing. And then Mel did, too, and I had a feeling it would be the last time we laughed together for a while.

When I heard Knox’s footsteps, outside, Mel goes,
You ready, Thee?
I looked at her, smiling, and I go, Born ready, and I clasped her hand, standing up, watching the door open. When Knox saw us, Mel goes,
Thee?
And I go, Yeah? And I looked at her—she was Melody, my Melody—the real girl, holding my hand in hers, standing beside me, shoulder to shoulder. Mel said,
No matter what happens, this is the best birthday I’ve ever had
, and I had to swallow and roll my eyes—I kept it together, though, and I go,
Me, too. And we knew this would happen—it was part of the plan—that’s what we planned all along. Not just no more lying, no more secrets, hiding from her mom. Mel always wanted to be a teenager—to break rules, get caught, to know how it feels—to live. She wanted to live, on the inside and outside, and we did. Still, ohmygod, we were in such trouble, I was really scared.

Knox couldn’t even look at me, he was so angry, walking in, and then, when he saw Melody, his face turned beet red. I’ve never ever seen him so angry, and I thought he was about to explode, but he managed to get out of the office, and we got to the parking lot, and he got Mel situated in the back. The mall was closing; it was almost ten o’clock, and when I got in, I was about to apologize when Knox lost it. He said, Do you, do you have any idea how much trouble you’re in? Heather lost her shit when she found out I’d left Mel alone with you, and she called the cops—she reported Melody missing. Mel goes,
Oh, Jesus Christ, Dad!
And I raised my hand:
Jesus Christ, Dad.
And Knox shouted, I trusted you! How could you do this, Thea? How could you do this to my daughter! Then Mel started yelling back at him,
Why are you yelling at her?
I raised both my hands, Why are you yelling at me? Melody goes,
This is what I wanted, this is what
I wanted,
and I have a right to be a girl like every other girl!
I didn’t even realize for a moment I was yelling along with her, word for word, and Knox just stared, his mouth hanging open.

I raised my hand and told him exactly what Mel said, word for word:
Every day, all day, all night, you wish I was normal, a normal healthy girl, and then, when I act like a normal teenager, you wish I was a vegetable again!
And he goes, Don’t say
that—don’t ever say that! And she goes—I spoke for her:
It’s true. It’s true, Dad! Every night, you drink. You drink and you feel sorry for yourself and you blame your family and blame the war—you always find someone or something to blame!

Don’t you understand, Dad?
she said, and I raised my hand, saying, Don’t you understand? She goes,
Don’t you see? It’s nobody’s fault, what happened to me, Dad. Nothing could have been done to stop it—it’s a disease, and it’s just what happens in this world sometimes to some people and I know it’s not fair. I know, I do, and I try to accept that—every single day; I have to accept that the world’s just not fair, but you don’t want to accept that. You think I don’t know? You think I don’t I hear you at night, Daddy? I know the truth about you. And you aren’t protecting me from anything: Jesus, you’re so upset over, what? I cut my hair?
God, it’s just hair, I said, raising my right hand, yelling at him, but he wasn’t listening.

I can’t believe you, he said, speaking to me, and I go, Me? You’re the one, I said. You
like
controlling her, you like that she’s never going to grow up! Mel started yelling, and I started yelling for her:
Quit feeling so sorry for yourself, quit blaming everyone and everything, quit drinking and pretending you don’t wish I’d never been born!
Knox goes, Take it back, and she goes, and I raised my hand,
No
, I said.
Because it’s true! You tell everyone I’ve taught you more about love than you ever knew was possible, but you wish that weren’t the case—you’d rather have a normal daughter than know anything about love!
Knox swerved, pulling off the road, just before we reached our building.

The car snapped, like a rubber band snapped the air, and no one said anything. He looked at Melody, and then he looked at me again: I said,
take it back
, he said. And then, I raised my hand, like I was taking an oath, and I told him exactly what she said:
Fuck you
. Knox’s mouth fell open, then he raised his hand and slapped me—he slapped me across the face. There was a sharp, cracking sound, and then Mel started screaming and flailing in the backseat, and Knox yelled: She’s having a seizure! I yelled back at him, She’s not! It’s not a seizure! And Mel was yelling in my ears:
Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me, you bastard!
Knox got in the back and held her down until she stopped kicking, and I just watched, waiting for her to calm down. She did—a few minutes later, Mel stopped, didn’t say a word, and then, when Knox sat back, tears started streaming down her cheek. Black tears, mascara.

Knox hid his face in his hands for a minute, then we heard this roar.
What’s going on? What’s happening? Thee, what’s going on?
Mel was beginning to panic, and I was beginning to panic, and Knox said,
Holy fuck
, seeing the crowd of reporters in front of our building.
Thea, what’s happening—tell me what’s going on
, Mel said, twisting her head to see, and I said, Me. I’m happening. Just then, Knox got back in the front and he said, Get out, as someone in the crowd pointed, seeing us, and people started to turn. Some people started walking toward us, a few at a time, and then, almost the whole mass of them started moving straight for us. Get out! Now! Get out! Knox yelled at me, before leaning over and throwing open my door, unfastening my seat
belt, almost shoving me out of the car.
No! No, Dad, no!
Mel screamed. I almost fell, and Knox closed the door, and I got up, pounding on the window, Please, I said, barely able to talk: please don’t leave me! I held my breath, waiting for him to turn around, but he didn’t. So I started screaming at him, down the highway: Come back! Don’t leave me! But they didn’t turn around. He just left me there, feeding me to the wolves.

Trying not to cry, trying to hold on, I turned and I started walking back to our building. Steeling myself, I looked at the crowd, but the only person I recognized was Jenna Darnell, and she saw me right away, and she actually looked scared, just this look in her eyes, and then everyone started streaming around her, rushing toward me. All these reporters and cameramen, and all I could think was,
Now what? Haven’t you people seen a sex tape before?
I thought they would stop, let me through, but they didn’t. I made it to the middle of the parking lot, before they surrounded me, and it was like a storm hit, with lights flashing and flashing, voices shouting and shouting, Thea! Thea! Thea, over here! Thea, is it true… Blinding, deafening, couldn’t breathe. Let me go! Let me go! I said, trying to push my way through.

I was crushed, literally crushed by people pushing against me, unable to breathe, starting to panic. The thing is, when I saw them, I thought they’d stay back, because why would they push like that, why would anybody behave like that unless it’s an emergency? But it was not an emergency; it was just news. I’m the news, being swarmed by this crowd of reporters, all asking questions, and I kept trying to follow their words, but I couldn’t see who was talking, because they were shining lights in my face,
and they all kept pushing, and I was trying not to trip or step on anybody, thinking,
This isn’t really happening.
You see it so many times on TV, you think you’d know how to deal with it, but you don’t, trust me. No one knows how to deal with a stampede.

I couldn’t hear, couldn’t see, so I started shouting, I can’t breathe! Please, I can’t breathe! And then a hand grabbed my arm, and turning, I screamed, because it was Foley. Don’t touch me! Get your hands off of me! I yelled, but he wouldn’t let go, pulling me through the crowd, bulbs flashing everywhere, and Foley said, Theadora Denny, you’re under arrest. Arrest for what? I said, covering my eyes as more flashbulbs went off, and there were so many people shouting; I could barely hear Foley answer: You are under arrest for the kidnapping of Melody Knox. Her mother is pressing charges, and your mother is waiting for us at the police station, Foley said, and then he started reciting my rights, and I said, You’re joking—you must be joking, but he wasn’t. He led me to the black SUV and opened the back door, covering my head with his hand and pushing me inside. Once the door closed, it was silent, and it was dark, inside. I could open my eyes again, hearing Foley get in the cab, up front, and then, very carefully, the driver pulled out.

We reached the highway, about to turn, and sitting on the side closest to our building, I looked up, at our empty doorway, remembering the last time I saw Cam. Then I closed my eyes, and I told him the truth, thinking,
You are the very best thing that has ever happened to me. And I am the very best me when I’m with you. If we’d never met, I wouldn’t know what it is to love with all my heart, and I would never have met Melody, the best
friend I’ve ever had, and I never would’ve seen how beautiful I am, through your eyes. But right now, at this moment, if I could do it all over again, if I had a choice and I could go back in time? Honestly, Cam, I love you more than anything in this world, but if I were God and I could do anything, if I could do it all over again, I would never meet you. No, we would never meet again.

There was a black glass partition between the front seat and the backseat, so I didn’t have to look at Foley, and then I opened my eyes, seeing something flashing in the glass, something right behind me. Then I saw that it wasn’t behind me: it was me: I was flashing again. Leaning my head against the window, my sweater had fallen down, and the scar on my shoulder was glowing green again, and I could see the reflection in the opposite window. But it was a different shape—the big heart with an arrow through it had turned into an anarchy symbol, and it was flashing: dot dot dot; dash dash dash; dot dot dot… SOS.

(SEVEN MONTHS EARLIER)

3:00 PM

Another year. I can’t believe I’m back here again. I can’t believe how everything and nothing changes, but that’s high school, I guess. It’s funny, though, because people keep double-taking, looking at my new haircut. At first, they look all excited, like maybe there’s a new girl in school from some faraway place—you can totally see it in their eyes. But then, when they see that it’s me, they’re like, Oh. Oh, yeah. It’s that crazy girl. And I’m just like, That’s right. So stay the hell away from me, because you don’t know what a crazy girl might do, now, do you? I don’t care anymore. I really don’t; let them stare.

I was so bummed, though; because of all the school I missed at the end of last year, they’d already set me up for tutoring. Like seven hours a day in class wasn’t enough, I had to stay an extra hour twice a week? Whatever, let’s just get it over with. So I went to the library right after last bell, because I wanted a table at the
back. I should’ve sat in the front, where I could be seen, clearly waiting for my new tutor, but I was like,
No. He’s the one getting paid, so let him find me, and if he doesn’t, I’m outta here.
I took out my sketchbook—I’ve been working on this American Apparel series, using all these famous men as models, and once I started drawing, I forgot all about school. For a few minutes, and then I felt someone standing over me.

All I could see were his feet. He was wearing Vans and Levis and he looked tall, thin. Maybe because he was standing right over me, staring at my notebook, but when he said, Who knew Stephen Hawkins was so flexible? all the hair on the back of my neck stood on end, and out of nowhere, I could feel the blood heading straight for my cheeks, and I didn’t even know why. Just this feeling in my guts and tingling between my legs. Then the strangest thing happened, because there was this voice in my head that said,
Don’t turn around, Thea. Whatever you do, do not look at him. Just get up, take your books and walk away.
Then there was this other voice in my head that said,
Look—look at him, because your life’s about to change forever.
I mean, I just sat there, gripping my pencil, no idea where these voices were coming from, and I knew it was completely crazy to think looking at some kid could change my whole life, but crazy as it was, deep down, I had to believe that anything was possible.