Gratitude & Kindness (3 page)

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The Glass Half Full

“A grateful outlook does not require a life full of material comforts but rather an interior attitude of thankfulness regardless of life circumstances.”

[ROBERT A. EMMONS & Charles m. shelton]

The experience of gratefulness is very complex. We cannot even move forward in talking any further about gratitude at all without taking our hats off to the amazing early work of Baumgarten-Tramer in 1938.

Some of us may think gratitude is simply being polite and saying “thank you”, but more than 75 years ago Baumgarten-Tramer
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was already pushing the limits of what makes up gratitude:

1. There is the experience of receiving a gift or kindness.
   
2. There is goodwill directed towards the giver with a response such as, “Thank you.”
   
3. Then there is the social part: there is a positive noticing of the person that helped.
   
4. One can immediately feel a combination of feelings, such as delight and the desire to give back.
   
5. This can sometimes end up with us feeling like we have an obligation to the person who did the giving.
   

So this gratitude business is more complicated than it first appears. That’s okay. Let’s dig into it further and see where your family’s true gratitude sits on the scale.

Take Action
Create your parent values checklist to ensure what you have been teaching your children is want you want to be teaching your children. As we say to clients in our office: Walk your talk!

Note
s from the Real Parenting Lab about the
Difference between “Thank You” and Gratitude

We spoke at length with a mother who came to see us about her 11-year-old daughter. She exploded with many of the same complaints that other parents rant about, reciting a long list of situations where her daughter insisted that her mother cater to her every whim. And the demands were always delivered with no consideration for her mother whatsoever.

The mother shared with great frustration:

“Is it asking too much for my child to say ‘thank-you’ and actually mean it once in a while? Can’t I expect that at her age she could use some of the manners that I have been pulling my hair out trying to teach her for the past five years?”

Sound familiar? It is normal for parents to want their children to truly appreciate all that they do for them, but how do we teach our children the difference between speaking the words “thank you” and actually feeling grateful?

We noticed a disconnect here between what the mother asked for (a “thank you”) and what she really wanted from her daughter, which was true appreciation and feelings of gratitude.

Sometimes we parents have difficulty clearly communicating what we really want from our children.

A Closer Look at Gratitude

A concept such as gratitude is challenging to define because it means different things to different people. What is certain is that gratitude leads to happiness, mood improvements, increased work performance, and better physiological health. That is why we are going to take some time to explore the layers involved in defining gratitude.

When you think of the word “gratitude,” you imagine someone receiving a present and saying “thank you” for it. But how often do they mean it? Gratitude is not a word. It is more than an action. It is a state of being. Grateful people will more easily acknowledge the time, effort, and money spent on the gift and realize internally that the person cares about them and wants them to be happy.

Here are some concepts surrounding gratitude to think about:

• Gratitude fuels social emotion and makes you aware of positive benefits that have come from an outside source, even though they were not earned or deserved.
  
• Gratitude motivates people to repay their benefactors and pay it forward. Gratitude is therefore an adaptation for reciprocal altruism and has played a unique role in human social evolution.
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• Gratitude is an emotion expressing appreciation for what one has. Instead of always wanting more, you are able to consider what you have and feel lucky to have it.
  
• Gratitude is an affirmation that there are good things in your life and people who love you, who will give you good things.
  
• Gratitude can be taught in schools—if the teachers establish positive personal relationships with the children. Feeling connected in school can help children feel grateful for the environment they are in. Just ask your child the difference between her favorite teacher and her least favorite. Chances are, the best teacher stands out for giving the job one hundred per cent, and the children really appreciate that.
  
• Gratitude has the power to heal, energize, and change your life. It can turn contentious
  families around, stop constant fighting between siblings, and greatly improve the mindset of the child.
  

A Child
’s Perspective on Gratitude

Children’s ability to appreciate and understand gratitude is very different through the ages and stages of their development. Also, children and adolescents express that gratitude quite differently. Baumgarten-Tramer’s chart
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on types of gratitude at the different stages may help you to understand what to expect from your own child:

Appreciation and Gratitude

Counting one’s blessings can rapidly increase positive emotions, health, and even individual self-worth.

This is why the appreciation aspect of gratitude is so fundamental to children. If a child is able to regularly savor a positive experience,
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it leads to being able to cope with stressful life circumstances more easily.

Pretty simple, right? Children that really appreciate the good in their lives are less stressed.

What we know from the research is that a singular experience of gratitude can increase the fulfillment at that moment, but the regular conscious appreciation of what is good, leads to better mood, better health, and better sleep.

Gratitude Action
Spend some time with your child, and notice how he or she appreciates daily experiences. When the opportunity arises, ask your child why he or she appreciates these things. Being mindful of this can bring your child closer to understanding the importance of gratitude in daily life.

Appreciating something or someone almost always leads to a closer relationship between people. This can be an essential part of connecting with, and nurturing, family and friendships. It is likely that your child’s best friend became his or her best friend because they appreciated each other.

How to Turn Gratitude into Action

Effective Gratitude Talk
for parents does not mean endlessly voicing, “thank you, thank you, thank you.” We know all things lose their impact with children if repeated too many times.

So
what can you say? Here are some ideas:

• I truly enjoy the smell of the cookies baking in the oven.
  
• I really appreciate the friendly cashier I had this morning.
  
• I’m so grateful our family has enough food to eat
  every day of the year.
  
• I notice how much your hugs in the morning make
  me happy.
  

Okay parents, it’s your turn. Please complete the following:

• I truly enjoy
  
• I really appreciate
  
• I’m so grateful
  
• I notice
  

Gratitude Action
can be body language or facial expressions that show thankfulness that we as parents might feel. Parents, we need to be present. STOP doing whatever else you are doing and show your child, through your eye contact and body language, the pleasure and appreciation for what he or she has done.

Gratitude Talk
for parents when coaching your children:

• When your child shows gratitude, you need to be able to recognize it and validate it.
  
• Coach them in a way that they will hear it.
  

What not to say:

• “Why don’t you say ‘thank you’ like the neighbor’s child?”
  
• “I’m tired of having to ask you to say ‘thank you’.”
  
• “I’m tired of giving and you taking.”
  

What to say:

• “That time you high-fived me really showed me your appreciation, buddy.”
  
• “It would help motivate me to make those milkshakes in the morning if you showed me that you really appreciated them.”
  
• “I will do my part once you do your part.”
  

If you like these how tos, there are more in
Chapter 5 - What to Do
About It.

What Is Entitlement?

Let’s take a look at how entitlement is defined in modern culture:

• The belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.
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• A belief a person is owed certain rights and benefits without further justification.
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• The right to receive something or to do something.
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Entitlement is not about looking at the world from an optimistic “glass is half full” or a pessimistic “glass is half empty” perspective. It’s more like: “I expect that glass to be full, and I want you to fill it!”

People describe entitlement as an ugly characteristic. Children we have spoken to say they do not like the feeling that comes with taking things for granted. It is frustrating for parents and unflattering when noticed by others in the community. The good thing is that feeling like you have a “right” to something is a learned behavior—which means it can be unlearned.

Common
reactions to the word “NO”:

If you think your child might have caught the
Entitlement Bug
, these will likely be their reactions to you saying “NO!”

1. Disbelief:
   “You’re kidding right?”
   
2. Confusion:
   “What do you mean, ‘no’?”
   
3. Anger:
   “I hate you.”
   
4. Pleading:
   “Pleeeease…I’ll do dishes for a week.”
   
5. Rejection of parent:
   “I wish Joey’s parents were my parents.”
   

Entitlement Talk
that further proves that your child has likely been infected with the Entitlement Bug:

• All the other children have one.
  
• You never said NO before.
  
• It’s so unfair.
  
• I deserve it.
  
• You owe me.
  
• Why are you so mean?
  

Why Perspectives Need to Change

It is easy to not think about what you have, and who really means something to you, when you are a child. This is why children rarely discover gratitude on their own. Instead, they tend to focus on what they do not have and people they do not know. This can develop into a perspective that is overwhelmed with feelings of
sadness, deficiency,
or
inadequacy.

Gratitude is not about appeasing the people that are giving. It is about introducing your children to a better way of living their lives, one that will bring them closer to other people, and make they themselves happier. Gratitude really can transform our lives, but only if we bring it out and dust it off regularly, instead of just once a year on Thanksgiving holidays.

We hope this book does enough to change your perspective on gratitude that you start to take it seriously as well. Young children will always respond if they see their parents engaging in a gratitude-based action. When you are grateful for what you have, you reach out to others to express your appreciation for them.

Words Versus Emotions: The Difference

Parents confuse words such as “thank you”, with emotions such as gratitude. Whereas gratitude is a state of being, like happy or sad, a simple “thank you” does not have to have any gratitude tied to it at all. In children, most “thank you”s are said because they are expected, not because they mean anything.

How do you teach your children the difference between saying “thank you” and meaning thank you? Easy! Put them at the receiving end. When a child spends time working hard on something for you, all they want to hear is Mom or Dad’s thanks.

Did your own parents ever try to get you to appreciate things by telling you about starving children in Africa, or people without fresh water in India? These anecdotes don’t translate the meaning you intend. Children need more of an experiential understanding of what you’re talking about.
You may have briefly felt sad for those children, but your life circumstances wouldn’t have allowed for you to fully understand their circumstances, so it likely shot out of your mind as quickly as it entered.

In this instance, it is always better to show your children what you mean. For example, imagine the situation where you are driving home with your child and you both comment on being hungry enough to eat a horse. You let your child know that there are no snacks in the car and that it will be half an hour until you get home. Take the
gratitude-boosting
opportunity to talk about how good the snack will be when you get home, and say, “Being hungry sometimes makes the snack taste better, doesn’t it?”