Hard to Love (2 page)

I tore
my eyes from the thin
fabric stretched taut across her chest, but not before she caught me looking. She looked down at her chest
to see what I was staring at
and frowned. She pulled an oversized Q-tip
I hadn’t even noticed
from the pocket over her breast. “Don’t
worry,
I won’t be using this on you.”

That wasn’t what had captured my attention,
but was relieved all the same at not being caught ogling her breasts. I felt like a real asshole, sitting here sporting wood and staring at the
nurse’s
tits
.
Classy.
It was as if my dick thought we were here to pick up a willing participant to ease his discomfort.
Sadly, no, little man.
I felt his pain.
I cleared my throat and looked down.

Alexa
worked quickly and methodically,
pumping up the arm cuff and
pressing
her fingers
into my wrist to get my pulse while she studied the
ticking
hands on her wrist
watch.
I took the opportunity to study her more closely, noticing the way her face held absolute concentration as she worked. She was trying her damnedest not to be distracted by me. It wasn’t the usual effect I had on
females
. 

“
So can you tell me more about when this problem began?”
She glanced down at my forms, which I’d
deliberately
left
vague, jotting down only the most critical issues
—
name, medical insurance, and oh
,
yeah, a
painful
erection
.
I
’d been
hoping to speak with a male doctor who’d seen this kind of thing before, not an attractive young nurse
, damm
it.

I hesitated and Rick laugh
ed
. “We were beginning our film shoot and my star here got stage
fright. I gave him a couple of the little blue pills I keep on hand just in case.”

Her mouth pursed into a po
u
ty frown again as she looked from Rick
back
to me. I glanced down, motioning to the tense erection straining against my jeans.

“Oh
,
my.”
Her hand flew to her mouth and she involuntarily took a step back.

Her response was so honest, so damn innocent, I almost chuckled.
Almost.
But
the majority of my blood supply was sitting south at the moment, which delayed any normal responses
.

“So
, wait…
what business are you guys in?”

“Adult entertainment,”
Rick and I
answered at the exact same mo
ment
.

“
You mean…p
orn?”
Alexa
asked.

I winced.

Rick reached across to hand Alexa a business card. “Mrs. X Entertainment,” he said proudly.

I didn’t explain that it was
the
romantic, softer stuff,
and
that the film company had won awards for being
female
-
friendly
—
the features that had attracted me to working with them in the first place.
Because frankly, none of
that
mattered
.
I
t was porn, and that was all she was going to see.
She probably figured I was some sort of player or a sex addict. I saw it in her eyes, and there was no use fighting it. It wasn’t like I would ever see this girl again.
She would never know about
the little girl
in my custody
,
and
the mortgage, groceries, or utilities I was responsible for.

After taking a moment to compose herself
the nurse
jumped into action, grabbing a
white paper gown
and thrusting it towards me. “
Here.
Get undressed and put this on
so that it opens in the front
and I’ll be
right
back.” She fled the room without
another word
.

A few days ago when I
’d
signed on for
the whole adult entertainment thing
it’
d been
easy. I showed up and posed for some modeling photos
for the website
.
Wearing just boxers I lounged
on a bed with a beautiful girl
named Desiree
.
T
hey had us pose in various positions
that grew increasingly intimate—
me licking her neck, her nipples, and then her clit. It wasn’t sexual, like you’d think it would be. We had to hold still and hold each pose for several seconds while the camera clicked away, so it wasn’t like I was actually getting her off. I just sort of held my tongue against her. It was…different.
And when they’d asked me to shed the boxers, I wasn’t hard
yet
.
W
ithout a word
, Desiree—like the pro she was
—
reached down and rubbed her long, manicured fingers over my package until I was erect.
After that I
spent another hour posing with her.
M
odeling was the easy part.
It was the filming that would prove to be
difficult
.

*****
**

Three Hours Earlier

Rick sauntered over to give me a pep talk. “You ready for this?”

I took a deep breath and glanced at the staged set
—
a white leather couch set against floor
-
to
-
ceiling windows in the chic loft the studio had rented. It all felt cold and
contrived
, but what did I expect? It was just sex. I could do this. It was the one thing I knew for sure I was good at
. And most importantly, it paid
a
lot
—
e
nough for me to afford
Lily
’s medical
care
.

I pictured her sweet face
peeking out over the edge of her quilt
when I’d tucked her in earlier tonight
.
I’d
told her
Becca
was going to babysit and she wouldn’t see me until morning. She’d tightened her lips and nodded. She didn’t like the dark, and sometimes even preferred to crawl into my bed at night, but she was putting on her brave face.

“Cade?” Rick asked, pulling my attention back to him.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

“That’s my boy. Our actress should be here soon. She’s a new girl. You’ll love her. Young, sweet…” He made a sucking sound with his lips and his eyes got a faraway look to them. I shuddered. Throwing aside the fact
that
he was an adult
-
film director, Rick’s demeanor just screamed sleazy.

I was almost starting to regret my decision to work for him,
but visions of dollar signs kept floating before my eyes. Rick had
seen
me in the boxing ring
several
times
over
the
previous
year, and a few months ago
had begun
approaching me after matches, promising big money if I was ever interested in working for him. At the time, I laughed it off. But
the fights brought in less than steady money and
as things
got worse
with
Lily
I bit the bullet and decided to give it a shot.

The make
up artist approached
, thankfully distracting Rick from whatever perverted thoughts were currently running through his head.
I removed my robe at her request and she began
airbrushing
some type of bronzing
spray
over
my shoulders and chest. I didn’t like the smell of it, but I pushed it from my mind and focused on what I had to do.

“So the biggest thing for you to remember is
control
. No money shots until I say so. So if you need to slow down, or switch positions, just go ahead and do it. As long as you don’t come until I
give the signal
. We need plenty of shots and po
sitions before that can happen,” Rick reminded me.

“Got it.
Shouldn’t be a problem.”

He laughed. “Confident. I like that.”

Confidence u
sually wasn’t a problem for me,
but I couldn’t deny there was a hint of performance anxiety at the thought of having sex with a girl I’d never met, on camera, in
front of
a roomful of people—lighting techs, director, film crew, and a few others whose roles I didn’t know
.
I tried not to focus on all that and instead
reminded myself about
the money Rick had promised me.

“What about her
?
S
houldn’t I
talk to her
first
?
F
ind out what she likes, how she gets off?”

Rick laughed, and slapped my shoulder.
“Silly boy.
This is a porn shoot, not a first date. She’ll fake it, so don’t worry about her having an orgasm.
Just focus on you.”

I could only imagine what a conversation like that with a stranger might sound like….
So do you like penetration or clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm?
God, was I an idiot or what
?
I was overthinking this shit.

The front door open
ed
and everyone turned. “And there she is! Beautiful girl…” Rick headed over to greet the wide-eyed
starlet
entering the apartment.

I couldn’t help but notice how scared she looked.
And young.
Holy shit, was this girl even eighteen? I watched as Rick helped her out of her jacket and steered her by the shoulders over to the makeup chair.

*****
**

When
Alexa
returned I was seated on the exam table, the
paper gown
loosely
closed
around me
. Rick hadn’t offered to leave while I changed. He and a whole room full of people had already seen me buck-naked though, so I figured it didn’t matter much at this point. This whole night just needed to fucking end.

Alexa
wash
ed her hands
and
carefully arranged an ice pack over my groin. I shifted and let out a grunt at the surprise of the coldness, and
Alexa
’s eyes flicked up to mine.
“Is it okay?” she asked, softly.

“Fine,” I muttered and bit back the string of curse words I wanted to let rip
and
adjusted the ice pack so it wasn’t sitting
directly
on my nuts.

Rick
leaned against the exam table and
chuckl
ed
to himself
as if he found our
interaction
amusing
. It was clear I was intrigued by her and the way her eyes wandered the room, desperate to look anywhere but directly at me, or rather at my swollen appendage, she was clearly uncomfortable.

“You can see why we hired him, huh, sweetheart?”
Rick
grinned
proudly
and elbowed her softly in the side.

Her cheeks
flushed
pink and she tucked her chin to her chest.

“Let’s just get on with it,” I growled. I didn’t care about the exam or being exposed, I just wanted to end her embarrassment as quickly as possible.

I didn’t know why I’d listened to Rick and taken those damn pills.
I was attracted to the model he’d hired, that wasn’t the problem. She was very pretty, petite and trim, but she
’d
looked fucking terrified. I’d tried to make polite conversation before the shoot began, but even small talk was too much for her. She excused herself to the kitchen, where she sat perched on a bar stool
,
her eyes closed
tight
, chest rising and falling as she took deep breaths.
After
she finally talked herself into
going through with it
, I was so
weirded
out that I couldn’t even
keep my erection up
—
something that
had never been a problem for me before.