He Comes Next (15 page)

A
S WE PROCEED
with techniques for direct genital stimulation, the most important thing to keep in mind is how to integrate arousal with desire. When all is said and done, these techniques are intended to be inspirational rather than followed in a rote manner. Not only can and should lovemaking be improvised, but also the techniques are not nearly as important as the overall connection and spirit with which it is done: maintaining eye contact, talking, interacting, asking if he likes it, telling him you are in control and plan to make him wait and you intend to give him the best orgasm of his life. That’s what’s cherished and remembered. Permitting him to kick back, knowing it’s okay not to be in control (hell, you prefer him that way!), can be one of the sexiest experiences to a man accustomed to remaining in control. Make sure you let him know that you know what you’re doing, you like what you’re doing, and you intend to be doing it a damned long while regardless of how much he wants or begs for it. If he’s not totally hard, all the better. You will take your sweet time, up until you decide that he’s ready and worthy to come.

Remember that sex is ideally a holistic integration of emotional desire and intimacy, intellectual spark and creativity, sensual pleasure and physical arousal. The best sex fuses and builds on all these dimensions. And the way to achieve this with a man is to make him realize you are turned on by him being turned on, that you do not want to rush through it or let him take control. Let him know that you want to make him wait, savor, and enjoy; that you want to know exactly what he wants and plan to use it against him without mercy; that you will tease, taunt, tickle, nibble, suck, and stroke him until he cannot take another instant; and that there is no specific road to Oz. You will take your time playing with him, and then, if he is very, very good and asks extremely nicely,
perhaps
in due course you will…set…him…free.

• Many men tell me that the first touch to the penis sends shivers throughout the body, especially after the rest of his body has been amply aroused. Did you know that men produce significantly higher levels of testosterone when they are being touched by someone else as opposed to themselves? He may know how to touch himself, but his touch can never replace the connection, freshness, and unpredictability of yours. But very often, women don’t take the time to touch; they go straight for the rhythmic stimulation, thinking that’s what he wants or that’s what it takes to build and sustain an erection. And while he may indeed want that rhythmic stimulation straight out of the gate and it may provide a shortcut to a powerful erection, your goal is to provide him with a new and varied sex script. So take the time to really touch and experience his response. This first touch is a vital part of the excitement and sense of connection you’re going to forge. Style is borne of substance, and the most important part of being a responsive lover is just that—being engaged and responsive.
  
• Start with gentle strokes, and be exploratory. Remember your goal in this phase—whether you’re using your hands, mouth, or vulva, or, ideally, a combination of the three is to fill and maximize his erectile potential and set out at a slow pace. He may instinctively want to speed you along and encourage you to grab his penis. Or, he may grab it. (This could be the ideal time to experiment with a bit of bondage, by tying his hands together.) Still, hold your ground and remain in charge. At this stage, you should not be engaging in rhythmic stimulation, but rather unfocused genital touch. At key moments, you may create an expectation of rhythm, but, as we will discuss further on, rather than pursue the rhythm, you should then slow or even cease genital stimulation for a few moments to build, rather than race, toward the next level of physical arousal.
  
• Think of his body as a vast erogenous landscape, one that throbs luminously from the heat of your touch. As you’re generating heat in his genitals, you want to keep the other areas warm. Don’t divert
  to
  the penis, but rather integrate and build connections and pathways to the penis from other areas. Stimulating two body spots together ignites a wider swatch of nerve endings and provides twice the erotic anticipation,
  especially
  when one of those areas is his penis. Focus on keeping his upper and lower body connected. Some hot pathways (think of them as the major erogenous interstates connecting north and south) include: lips/penis, neck/penis, nipples/penis, and earlobe/penis.
  

Hands

• Lying comfortably next to him, drape your fingers over his penis and focus on light sporadic touching throughout the genitals. Use your fingertips to caress and lightly tickle or ever-so-lightly scratch, rather than squeeze or grab.
  
• With one hand, softly cup his testicles and hold for a moment. While cupping his balls, use your fingers to delicately massage the lower part of the shaft where it meets the scrotum. While cupping his testicles, focus on some of the upper body-lower body pathways already mentioned: Kiss or nibble his lower lip, whisper something sexy in his ear, nibble his earlobe, stroke his hair with your free hand, or lick or kiss a nipple. After engaging in the aforementioned filling activities, you’ll be able to feel the rush of blood to his genitals and see the change in his erection. Think of this position (cupping his testicles) as a place to return to after stimulating his penis. It’s a place to maintain contact, but also to take a break from some of the more intense stimulation.
  
• Return to his penis, and this time apply deeper fingertip pressure. Think of yourself as a potter gently kneading a piece of clay. Take the shaft between your fingers and squeeze it from different positions: the sides (where you’ll probably notice his dorsal veins swelling); the top and underside; the lower part toward the scrotum, and the upper part below the head which encompasses the frenulum.
  
• Press the flat surface of your fingernails against the shaft. All of these different forms of pressure and textures stimulate the receptors in different ways and create different exhilarating sensations.
  
• As you touch the frenulum (the underside of the penis encompassing the area just below the glans), you’ll probably notice a tensing of the body, a bucking of the hips, or a kegel contraction (as we discussed in Part I). This area, the frenulum, is often referred to as the sweet spot, and many men consider it the most sensitive part of the penis. It’s typically the area that gets the most rhythmic stimulation during masturbation. Tease this area lightly: Starting at the tip of the head, use a single finger to lightly pet the entire underside of the glans and frenulum—like you’re petting a cat between the eyes with a single finger.
  

Mouth

• When you use your mouth in the filling phase, focus on kissing, licking, and nibbling, as opposed to sucking.
  
• Again, think about what you’re doing with your hands and how to continue that upper-lower body connection. Or simply use your hands to cup his testicles or graze the sensitive skin just below his navel. And, above all else, talk! Make eye contact. Physical arousal is nothing without some desire to go with it.
  
• Intersperse your finger work from above with light kisses.
  
• Gently nibble on the shaft—don’t bite, but press your teeth against his shaft, as you did earlier with the flat surface of your fingernails.
  
• Place one hand under the shaft and lift his penis a bit toward your head as you gently nibble on it. Avoid clenching, squeezing, or rhythmically massaging. Rather, use your fingers to help his penis come to attention, and nibble as though you were eating straight from a plate.
  
• Add some tongue. A single ice-cream lick up the shaft and across the frenulum will send shivers throughout his body. But don’t lick consistently. Keep it random and unpredictable. Think of this phase as the ultimate tease.
  
• Holding the base of the shaft with one hand, come in from above, press your tongue against his urethra and the tip of his penis. Make a tongue-to-tip connection. Now
  slowly
  begin to take the spongy head into your mouth. Stop at the edge (the corona), think of it as the edge of a cliff. Don’t suck. Simply hold the head in your mouth and let it bathe in the wet warmth of your tongue. As you do this, use your fingers to gently squeeze up and down the shaft.
  

Vulva

• Use his penis to stimulate your clitoris. Lying next to him and facing him eye to eye, take his penis in your hand as you would a vibrator and use his glans to gently massage your labia and clitoral head. Focus on using the top part of his head to stimulate yourself, which shouldn’t be hard if he’s taller than you and you’re eye to eye. Do unto yourself as you are doing unto him: In other words, hold off on rhythmically massaging your clitoris. Rather, focus on the connection between your respective heads and hold the moment. If you do take his penis inside you, as with the previous mouth-technique, only take the tip of the glans in—do not go beyond the corona, and don’t let him thrust. If you need to, gently grasp the shaft just below the head to ensure that he doesn’t penetrate deeply. In this position, with the head of his penis against your clitoral glans, focus on the upper body connection. Kiss him; connect your heads: lower
  and
  upper.
  
• In the same position as above (side by side, face to face), gently push his penis downward so that it is horizontal and perpendicular to your vulva. Now move your body closer to his and press your labia and vaginal entrance against the top part of his shaft. Ride his shaft. In this position, your labia will enfold the top part of his shaft, applying pressure from above. Your clitoral glans will be nestled against his pelvic bone. Hold the position. Stay still. Focus on eye contact. Kiss, nuzzle him, nestle into him, talk to him, tease him, do anything but thrust. Let yourself get turned on. Build your own sexual tension. Take from him as you give. In this position, cross your ankles and press your inner thighs against his shaft.
  

Please, Squeeze, at Ease

This first phase of genital stimulation is one that usually gets short shrift as the tendency is to proceed straight to rhythmic thrusting, which heightens arousal but also the inevitability of orgasm. Think about ways you can linger in each phase. Use the above techniques as a general menu, but be sure to do a full-tasting menu, taking your time to savor each dish.

• As you
  please
  him (and yourself), end each technique with a
  squeeze
  of the glans. Approach the glans from the top and position its tip in the center of your palm. Now wrap the rest of your hand around the fleshy head and give it a good firm squeeze. This squeezing action pushes blood down from the tip of the penis and decreases his ejaculatory inevitability. Get into the habit of pleasing and squeezing him.
  
• The main thing is to try to stay attuned to where he is in the process of arousal. Is he doing everything he can to thrust, or is he allowing you to linger and indulge in this phase? Is he, indeed, filling, or do you feel it necessary to proceed to rhythmic stimulation? Follow his rhythm, pace, and unique arc of arousal. If he’s seriously excited (which is likely), follow your squeeze with an at-ease. Break from direct genital stimulation and do something else. Kiss him, whisper in his ear, massage him. Tease him. Taunt him. Tie him up. Take a trip to the south side of town, and touch, lick, or
  gently
  finger the anus (if he’ll let you). And, always, let him pleasure you. Or better yet, have him watch you pleasure yourself and make him beg to get in the last lick.
  

 

Is He Ready to Move on to the Next Stage?

 

• Does he seem to have achieved a full erection?
  
• Can you see the veins in his penis?
  
• Is he flexing his PC muscle?
  
• Is he seeking out rhythmic stimulation?
  
• Is his body starting to tense with the development of sexual tension?
  
• Most important: Are you turned on? Are you ready for more?
  
• Test the temperature of his arousal. Take his penis in your hands and engage in about ten seconds of nonfocused filling activities. Tease him; titillate him. Then give his penis one quick stroke from bottom to top. Did his hips buck? Did his heart skip a beat? Did his penis visually flick with a deep pelvic contraction?
  

If so, it’s time to move on….

H
IS TIME HAS NEARLY COME.
But don’t let him regain the reigns of control. You need to be sensitive to his rhythm and move with it, but not be controlled by it. During this all-important penultimate phase, you are focusing on building and expanding tension throughout his body. You are thinking locally, acting globally, as they say. You must be attuned to his local state of arousal and aware of how close he is to the point of no return, but remember that the more you work him up and diffuse the pleasure throughout his body, the more shatteringly intense his orgasm will be. Again, sex breeds sex, and desire feeds desire: What you do today will fuel tomorrow’s fantasies and an endless spectrum of exciting, unpredictable adventures.

That said, during this phase you should:

• Continue to intersperse and punctuate nonrhythmic stimulation with forceful rhythmic strokes that encompass the full length of his penis (shaft and glans).
  
• As you increase the pace of your rhythmic strokes, decrease the period of nonrhythmic stimulation. As you transition to rhythmic stimulation, start with, say, a ten to one ratio: After approximately ten seconds of nonrhythmic stimulation, hit him with a couple of solid rhythmic strokes. Then gradually work toward a five to one ratio. Now dispense with the nonrhythmic stimulation all together and focus on slow rhythmic strokes. Do not take a stopwatch to bed. Sex should never be mechanical or formulaic, and each man’s arousal arc is unique. The key thing to think about at this stage is
  slowly
  transitioning from nonfocused teasing, squeezing, building, touching, licking, nibbling, and manual stroking to actual rhythmic stroking.
  
• Pay attention to his levels of arousal. You will want to lead him close to the point of ejaculatory inevitability, but do
  not
  take him to the point of no return. The longer you can keep him in this intense state of peak arousal, the more gratifying his orgasm will be.
  
• Use the “squeeze, please, at ease” method described earlier to transition between genital approaches and to keep his arousal at bay.
  
• And, always, make plenty of eye contact, talk to him, ask if he likes what you’re doing. Tell him you’re going to make him wait. Remember, arousal is nothing without contextual desire. Remind him that you’re in control and you love it. Let him fully enjoy the sensations of kicking back, focus him on letting go, relaxing, and experiencing every touch, lick, stroke, command, kiss, smile, slap, and nibble.
  

IMAGE

Hands

• Focus first on a simple grasp and clasp. Get yourself in a comfortable position, and firmly grasp the shaft of his penis at the base. Don’t be afraid to apply pressure, I promise he will tell you if you’re gripping him too tightly. Many women worry that they’re hurting men when they squeeze tightly, while a common complaint from men is that women do not squeeze tightly enough when they are highly aroused. In a culture where women fret over vaginal looseness and are chided continuously to practice kegels or even to consider extreme newfangled vaginal rejuvenation surgeries, the reality is that a well-positioned manual clasp will serve the purpose more effectively.
  
• With your free hand, use your thumb and index finger to form a clasp just under the coronal ridge, around his frenulum.
  
• Starting at the coronal ridge, stroke down to the base and then back up. Keep the movement slow and easy at first.
  
• Vary this long stroke with short strokes that are confined to the frenulum. Many men masturbate themselves to orgasm with these shorter, more rapid strokes.
  
• It may be time to add lubrication, particularly if you are emphasizing manual stimulation. While your own natural vaginal lubrication is the preferred choice, if it’s not in ample supply, a water-based lubricant, such as Liquid Silk, is your best choice. Oil-based lubes are not compatible with latex and whatever safe-sex precautions you have in place and can also lead to yeast infections. Silicone-based lubes last longer than water-based, but they’re also harder to wash off and incompatible with silicone (and therefore lots of sex toys).
  
• The simplest way to add lubrication into your routine is simply to squeeze some onto your hands and rub them together and get to work. When it comes to adding lubrication, less is more. But, remember, if you’re using a water-based lube, keep the tube on hand, as it dries out more quickly. Too much lube may make matters too slippery and lead to more rapid stimulation. Some other fun ways to lube him up include dripping some on your stomach and letting him rub against you or dripping some in the cleavage between your breasts and letting him rub as you squeeze your breasts against his shaft. But take note: Stomach and cleavage rubs are also some extremely popular ways for men to thrust to orgasm. Don’t let him thrust. You’re in control.
  
• Once you’ve lubed him up, focus on slow intense pressured strokes from the bottom to the top that go up and over the head.
  
• You can also loosen your clasp and go up and down over the head more briskly, all the while maintaining a loose clasp that barely grazes him.
  
• Rule of thumb: When using a loose clasp, increase the speed of your strokes. On a tight clasp, slow down. Genital arousal is all about the relationship between friction and pressure. When men masturbate, they tend to find a comfortable balance between the two in their strokes, but often will emphasize one element over the other to vary the quality of orgasm. An orgasm that comes from longer, pressured strokes may feel deeper, whereas an orgasm that comes from lighter, shorter strokes may feel more ticklish and propulsive. Both are intense. But one of the reasons that men often thrust violently during oral sex or intercourse is to compensate for insufficient friction or pressure.
  
• Lube up both your hands, sandwich his penis (head and shaft) between them and rub them together as though you were warming your hands. (The same can be done with your breasts. Douse some lube in your cleavage and pull your breasts together, rubbing them up and down along the shaft and head of his penis, following the nonrhythmic to rhythmic stroke ratios we talked about earlier.)
  
• With a slightly dryer hand, get a good grip and wring his penis with both hands using the motion (but not the strength) you would use to wring out a towel.
  
• Remember to hold your grasp at the base of his penis—your grasp is going to help retain blood in the penis and heighten the quality and intensity of his orgasm. Additionally, use your free fingers to gently massage his testicles, pressing against his perineum or grazing his anal area. Feel free to break the grasp to engage his upper body, but remember to come back. (Chances are he won’t let you forget.)
  
• As you “please,” don’t forget to “squeeze” and add an “at ease” at regular intervals. This is especially important during the rhythmic stimulation phase, as you could easily continue your stimulation straight through to orgasm. The squeeze and at ease will help you bring him close to the point of no return, without sending him over the edge. Take a short break from direct genital stimulation altogether before transitioning into a different approach. This both heightens physical arousal, and, in my experience, is a big turn-on. Incorporate more teasing, tying up, and dirty talk here. Make him serve you by using his penis or tongue as your personal sex toy. Show him that you mean to make him wait, maybe even beg, and that you’re in control—that you will not release him until you’ve had your fill of pleasure. Alternate between stimulating him and yourself. Continue to maintain contact, keep him close, but do not send him over.
  

IMAGE

Mouth

• In the rhythmic stimulation stage, your mouth is going to be most powerfully used in combination with your hands, with oral attention largely lavished upon the head and frenulum, the most sensitive parts of the penis.
  
• Maintaining a firm grip on his shaft, place your lips over the head and form a seal. By bobbing your head up and down over the frenulum, you will naturally create suction, and you can experiment with how it feels. Some men love suction, others find it uncomfortable, and still others are indifferent.
  
• Press your tongue against his frenulum and use the hand around his shaft to move his penis up and down and back and forth across your tongue. Dote on the frenulum. Lick it slowly, delicately, while maintaining a very tight grip on his shaft. Think of your hand as a blood-pressure sleeve that’s increasing in pressure.
  
• While maintaining your two-fingered grasp around the base, create a seal with your mouth and take in as much of his penis as you’re comfortable with. Take heed: You
  don’t
  need to deep throat. You can certainly do it if it’s something you enjoy or think he may enjoy, but any stimulation you can provide from deep throating is something you can accomplish just as easily with hands and mouth. In surveys of men, deep throating is not a technique that features high on any man’s wish list, except as a quick bit of novelty or fantasy. The last thing he wants is for you to be anxious or uncomfortable while stimulating him. It’s more important that you stay engaged and attuned to the process. Most women enjoy performing oral sex on men, provided they don’t feel anxious or like they’re going to gag. They love the intimacy, the connection, and the power they exert, and the more strongly they feel about the man, the more intimate they consider the act. When women experience trepidation about fellatio, their anxiety usually stems from the following areas: Concerns about hygiene, fears of gagging, and discomfort (whether physical or psychological) about swallowing. So keep him clean, don’t take more of him in your mouth than you’re comfortable with, and if you don’t want to swallow, let his fluids dribble all over your face or tell him you want him to ejaculate on your breasts. Chances are he won’t mind. Related to gagging, some women also worry about the violence of his thrusting, particularly as he gets increasingly aroused. When he’s thrusting, it’s called irrumation, as opposed to fellatio. During the latter, you’re moving your mouth up and down his penis. You’re in charge: You control the rhythm, pace, and pressure. In the case of irrumation, he’s thrusting in and out of your mouth. In any session of oral stimulation, there’s likely to be a bit of both, but make sure, in general, you’re in charge, and remember that men tend to buck and thrust when there’s some sort of stimulation (either friction or pressure) they require to maintain arousal. As for swallowing his ejaculate, the main thing men enjoy is stimulation through orgasm. Many women stop at the point of orgasm, rather than stroking through the orgasm. Swallowing naturally provides that persistent stimulation, which is why men enjoy it. But if you don’t enjoy swallowing (and
  many
  women don’t), there are plenty of other ways to stimulate through orgasm and maximize his pleasure, with your fingers, breasts, and tongue. What’s most important is to understand that men love being orally pleasured in a countless number of ways. And a little fanciful fingerwork, plenty of talking, eye contact, teasing, and squeezing will out-lip any Linda Lovelace. There are many, many paths to sexual gratification, and no one approach is necessarily better than the rest. In fact, you should get out of the habit of taking the same path each time. What’s important is that you understand the principles of pleasure and continually find new and creative ways to attune yourself to his pleasure with confidence. Your excitement and sense of control will be the most erotic aspects of any sexual interaction.
  

Intercourse

• As you did in the previous phase, use his penis like a vibrator or dildo. Lying side by side, face to face, eye to eye, take his penis in your hands and massage your labia and clitoral glans. Enjoy yourself; let yourself get aroused. Focus on taking pleasure, rather than giving. Use his body for your own enjoyment. Match your level of arousal to his. In controlling the sex script, you also need to take responsibility for your own pleasure. Being able to give pleasure is a relatively simple matter, but being able to take it is often a far greater challenge for many women.
  
• Do the slide, also known as femoral intercourse. Lube up his shaft, get on top, and let your labia enfold the underside of his penis. Slowly slide up and down his shaft. Lean forward slightly and press your clitoris against him. Feel free to touch yourself as well, grazing against his testicles and penis as you do. Take your pleasure.
  
• Lying side by side, push down his penis so it’s perpendicular to your vulva and let your labia enfold him from the top. One way to vary the femoral intercourse described above is to squeeze your legs together and press your clitoral glans into his pelvis. Again, use your fingers to keep his penis in place. Let him thrust between your legs, while you grab and caress his buttocks.
  
• Get on top, and let him barely penetrate you—just the tip of the head. Now slide down to encompass his entire head to the edge of the coronal ridge. Hold the position. Now push down over the ridge to the heart of the frenulum and then back over the ridge to the fleshy part of the head. Work this area with small, slow movements, focusing primarily on the feeling of going all the way up and down over the coronal ridge.
  
• Either from the top or the side, penetrate deeply with a single thrust and hold the position for at least ten seconds. Massage your clitoris against his pelvic bone. Now very slowly pull up and out. As with the fellatio techniques we discussed, remember that you’re in charge, you’re leading, and you’re the one doing the penetrating and thrusting. So try to focus on positions (like you on top or side by side) in which you can maintain a high degree of control.
  
• As you pull out from a deep thrust, squeeze your PC muscles (in other words, do a kegel) and tighten your vagina around his penis throughout the pull-out.
  
• Let him get on top and do the same thing. As he penetrates you, tell him to stay still and squeeze your PC muscles around his penis in rhythmic contractions, rather than letting him thrust. Control his movements by placing your hands on his butt. Hold the moment. Press your clitoris against his pelvis. Massage his buttocks, spread his cheeks a bit if he’s comfortable with it. Press his perineum and stimulate his prostate from the exterior. Tell him or prod him to slowly pull out. Squeeze your PC muscles as he withdraws.
  
• Let him penetrate you from behind doing the same movement as above. Encourage him to press against you with his weight (as much as you’re comfortable with), lying flat and still. In this position, the weight of his body will stimulate your G-spot, but you won’t get nearly as much clitoral stimulation as you did when you were in the male-superior or female-superior position. You may wish to rub your clitoris or have him do it at the same time with his hand or a vibrator.
  
• When employing deep penetration, the point is to focus on single thrusts that are controlled and provide clitoral stimulation. The danger with any of these intercourse positions is that the session could easily spiral out of control and result in the sort of wild thrusting that produces lots of vaginal friction and his orgasm, but not yours. Yes, he comes next, but not at the expense of your own gratification. This is not to say that you must strive for simultaneous orgasm or even mutual orgasm during intercourse. There is nothing wrong with him orally or manually pleasuring you throughout, especially during transitions from one phase of his arousal arc to the next.
  
• Whether you’re engaging in femoral sex or penetrative intercourse, make sure these approaches are interspersed with manual and oral techniques and do not eclipse them. That goes for both of you.
  
• Also know that though women’s magazines will often trumpet new positions every month, and yes, somebody somewhere is attempting to work their way through the kama sutra, there are really only four major positions and then nearly infinite derivations. The four major positions are female superior (woman on top), male superior (man on top), side entry (face to face), and rear entry. Each of these positions offers their own unique attributes. The female superior position is the most consistent position for vouchsafing the female orgasm. When you’re on top, you’re not only getting direct clitoral stimulation, but you’re also in control of the rhythm and intensity. You can focus on deep pressing more than thrusting, while also enjoying the feeling of being filled vaginally. Additionally, many men say this is their favorite position, not only because they know it’s the one you’re most likely to enjoy, but also because he can stimulate your breasts or simply lay back, relax, and enjoy the show.