Authors: Monica Murphy
Tags: #Literature & Fiction, #Genre Fiction, #Coming of Age, #Teen & Young Adult, #Love & Romance, #Contemporary, #Romance
I don’t understand.
It doesn’t help that I’m a little drunk. A little frustrated. Drowning my sorrows with alcohol, I’ve turned into my mother and I haven’t even graduated high school yet.
I’m a mess. Over you. It hurts so much, your rejection. Why?
See…I’m back to that word. Why. It’s the dumbest word in existence because it doesn’t help anything. You don’t help anything. You don’t help me.
You left me. You didn’t want me. No one wants me. Poor stupid little Reverie, believing in love and truth and family—I’m left disappointed. The only one who really takes care of me is the last person who I thought cared and that’s my brother. But then again, if I can’t count on my brother, then who can I count on?
Certainly not you, Nick.
Don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. The truth hurts. I’d rather live in my little bubble and pretend I never knew you.
But I can’t. You haunt my thoughts. I went to a party. I drank tonight to escape you. I kissed another boy to escape you and all his lips and wandering hands managed to do was make me miss you.
I hate you.
I love you.
I know you won’t get this email. I’m writing it on my phone and saving it in the drafts folder because I don’t even have your email address. I tried texting you and I know the messages were delivered but you didn’t reply. Did they take your phone away? Or are you just ignoring me?
I deserve to be ignored. I ignored you, which was stupid but I thought it was for the best. They put me in jail. Again. They could only hold me there for a few hours though. They have nothing on me in regards to Krista’s death because I didn’t do it. You already know this because you were with me that night. Not that I told them. I wasn’t about to put you into a bad situation. How could you explain why you were with me to your parents? I know they’d freak out and the last thing you want to do is disappoint them.
You know I was frustrated with Krista and the things she did to us. To me. To you. Yeah, I didn’t like her much but I definitely didn’t want her dead. I feel terrible about that. They still don’t know who did it. They suspect her dad but they can’t hold him either. There was evidence showing she had sex with someone but it was contaminated. Ruined.
They have no idea who she was with that night but I know for sure it wasn’t me. And you know it too.
I still think about that night, at what had started out as one of the best nights of my life before it spiraled out of control and turned into a nightmare. You’re my alibi but I kept that to myself. No way did I want you to risk your relationship with your parents. I know they mean a lot to you. Family is important. I miss my mom every single day and wish she were still with me.
But wishes are for fools.
I miss you too. You have no idea how much. I hate that the last time I saw you, you were walking into your parents’ house, your back to me, thinking everything was going to be okay. I wish I could go back in time and really make everything okay, you know? But there I go again, wishing for things that can never happen. That’ll get me nowhere.
I heard about your dad and I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s truth and what are lies but I know it must hurt to have such horrible things said about your parents. You’re in school now—are they treating you okay? How’s Evan reacting to all of this? Your mom? I heard from Michael and Heather that your family packed up and left within twenty-four hours of my dropping you off at your house.
Considering I was still being held at the jail when that happened, I had no idea. I missed out on telling you goodbye and I regret that more than anything.
I’ll probably never see you again. But just know this—this summer was the best time of my life. Being with you, falling in love with you, was like nothing I ever experienced before. I wish I could talk to you. See your smile. Hear your laugh. Hold you in my arms. Kiss your sweet lips.
I want it all.
But I can’t have you.
So I’ll wait for you to come to me in my dreams.
ome on,” he murmurs against my lips, his voice low and persuasive. “You gotta give me a little something.”
I’ve given this guy way more than I should have already. I can’t believe I’m even doing this but I drank too much tonight. Partied a little too much, which has become my new norm no matter how much I secretly hate it. I have new friends. A new attitude. Good girl Reverie Hale doesn’t exist anymore.
She’s gone. Wiped from existence.
He had his eyes on me all night and I finally gave in and talked to him. Smiled and flirted with him. Let him drag me into a dark bedroom where he tugged me down so we were both sitting on the edge of the mattress. His hand in my hair, his mouth locked with mine, kissing me so thoroughly my jaw is sore.
“Haven’t I given you enough?” I say after I push him away. I’m breathing hard and so is he. He’s tall and broad shouldered and he tastes of beer. In the dark I can almost pretend he’s someone else, which is counterproductive because I’m trying to erase a certain someone from my brain, not pretend that certain someone is still in my life.
“Not nearly enough.” He lunges for me and I squeal when he takes me down so I’m lying on my back on the bed and he’s hovering above me, his shoulders blocking out most of the light, though it’s pretty dark in here to begin with.
I don’t even know his name.
Splaying my hands, I smack them against his chest, preventing him from kissing me again. “I should go,” I tell him solemnly, my gaze direct. My friends are downstairs waiting for me. Maybe. I saw Rachel had paired off with a guy and I don’t know about Talia. I need to find them and get out of here.
“You’re not going anywhere,” he says with a wicked smile, leaning in to steal a kiss.
I let him, trying my best to lose myself in the softness of his lips, the quickness of his tongue. He’s a decent kisser. I’ve gone from never been kissed to being kissed far too much in a shockingly short amount of time. I’m trying to shed the old me.
The me I didn’t like. The me who was sheltered and stupid and so naïve it’s almost embarrassing. I look back at those silly, childish journal entries and cringe in embarrassment. I was such a baby then.
When his hands touch my breasts I jerk away from his mouth and out of his hold, my entire body going cold. I may kiss many guys and pretend I like them but the minute they touch me below the neck, forget it. It’s like I shut down.
I can’t handle them touching me. It brings back too many memories. Memories of my short time with Nick. How sweet he was. How foolish I am now to still think of him.
All thoughts of Nicholas Fairfield are a waste of my time since he clearly doesn’t want me. Or love me.
Standing, I run a hand over my hair and tug at the hem of my sweater. “I really need to go.”
“I need to find my friends.” It sounds like an excuse. And my friends probably don’t give a crap what I’m doing. We’ve only hung out together for the last month and a half or so. It’s amazing how much I’ve done in that short amount of time.
I don’t know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
“Your friends are fine.” He reaches for me, his hand swiping at air as I leap away from him. This one is persistent, more than the previous ones. “Come on, stay with me.” He’s trying to sound coaxing but all I hear is the whiny tinge to his voice.
“See ya.” I flee the bedroom before he can say another word, before he can try and reach out and grab me again. I don’t want him near me.
I don’t want anyone near me.
I rush down the stairs, the loud music throbbing through my body, in my head. I spot Talia talking with a tall, dark-skinned boy with long black hair. He’s gorgeous and I can tell she thinks so too, what with the enraptured look on her face as she listens to him.
“Tally.” I stop beside her and flash a quick smile in the dark-haired boy’s direction. He stops speaking, staring at me like I just ruined his game, which I probably did. “You ready to go?”
“Not really,” she says, giving a side jerk of her head toward the guy. “We were talking, Justice and I.”
“Justice?” I turn to him. “Interesting name.”
“That’s what everyone says,” he mutters, looking irritated.
I reach out and touch his arm, marveling at how smooth and warm his skin is. “I have a weird name too.”
“What is it?” He drops his gaze, looking at my very pale hand against his dark skin before he lifts his head and stares at me.
Oh. I wish I would’ve met him before the other guy. I have a feeling this one is a lot more interesting. “Reverie.” I drop my hand away from his arm when I see the way Tally is glaring at me.
He frowns. “As in Reverie Hale?”
Crap. Everyone knows about me, not that I want them to. My family’s scandal has been all over the media and though I’ve gone into semi-hiding by moving into Evan’s apartment, I’ve been able to move in plain sight for the most part.
“I knew I recognized you,” Justice continues, a big grin on his face. He points at me and backs away a few steps. “How’s your holy roller dad huh? Spending all that money he stole?”
His voice is loud and drawing other people’s attention. The party goes quiet. I swear even the music fades and I’m left standing there staring at him, Tally watching everything go down, her mouth hanging open. She’s not rushing to my defense or telling Justice to shut up. No one is.