Read How to be a Pirate's Dragon (Hiccup) Online

Authors: Cressida Cowell

Tags: #General, #YA), #Fantasy & magical realism (Children's, #Children's Fiction, #Action & Adventure, #Juvenile Fiction, #Pirates, #Historical, #Treasure troves, #Dragons, #Mythical, #Animals, #Juvenile Nonfiction, #Humorous Stories, #Medieval, #Vikings, #Science Fiction; Fantasy; Magic

How to be a Pirate's Dragon (Hiccup) (3 page)

BOOK: How to be a Pirate's Dragon (Hiccup)
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40

everybody else, "we're going to have to forget about the Advanced Rudery lesson. This is an Important Discovery and I think we should take it straight to Stoick the Vast and the Council of Elders. Bearhug, Sharpknife, Wartihog, Clueless, pick it up and carry it back to the Hooligan Village. ..."

The boys hauled the coffin onto their shoulders.

"Don't just hang about shivering, you lazy lug-fish," Gobber bellowed crazily. "This is Pirate Training, not a holiday with your mother on the Mainland. QUICK MARCH, one-two, one-two, one-two...."

He set off at a brisk trot towards the Hooligan Village.

The boys sighed and began to stumble after him.

Snotlout and Dogsbreath the Duhbrain sauntered over to Hiccup, who was sitting, trying to catch his breath on a large rock, shivering violently.

"A shame that Dogsbreath was interrupted," sneered Snotlout, "just when things were getting interesting, don't you think, Dogsbreath?"

"Yeah," grinned Dogsbreath the Duhbrain.

"I reckon," said Snotlout thoughtfully to the remaining boys, "that Hiccup must be the most pathetic swordfighter I have EVER seen, don't you

41

think, guys? I mean, face it, Hiccup, somebody who fights like a granny with a back problem is NEVER going to be Chief of this Tribe...."

"Oh, and so who
is
going to be Chief of this Tribe if Hiccup isn't?" asked Fishlegs, still lying spread-eagled on the sand in the exact position where he had fallen off the coffin. "Let me guess ... YOU, I suppose?"

Snotlout flexed his muscles, making the skeleton tattooed on his right biceps grin smugly.

"I AM the obvious choice," he said. "I've got noble blood" (Snotlout was Hiccup's cousin, the son of Baggybum the Beerbelly, the Chief's younger brother), "charisma, good looks" (Snotlout stroked the rather unpleasant little straggly hairs on his upper lip that he was trying to grow into a mustache), "and I'm BRILLIANT at absolutely everything...."

Unfortunately this was true.

Snotlout was a natural at Mindless Violence, superb at Advanced Rudery and practically everything else.

"... particularly swordfighting," said Snotlout, drawing his sword from its scabbard.

The other boys gasped.

42

"Wow," breathed Speedifist. "The latest Double-Sided Extra-Biting Supa-Sword. Curving inner edges, silverpoint finish ... where did you get THAT from, Snotlout?"

"This is the Flashcut," boasted Snotlout, swishing the beautiful sword around so that everybody could get a good look. "Makes that silly Swiftpoint Scaremaker that Dogsbreath lost for you look pretty weak, doesn't it, Hiccup? Let me show you how swordfighting should be done. This," sneered Snotlout, lunging athletically, "is a Perfect Pointer. ..."

Hiccup dodged.

[Image: The latest double sided extra-bitin supa-sword like Snotlout's flashcut.]

"And this is the Destroyer's Defense. ..." Snotlout gave an animal howl and brought the sword down over his head, stopping just before he cut Hiccup in half.

"And that," jeered Snotlout, slashing the Flashcut expertly from side to side and then leaping forward suddenly, the sword ending up just inches away from

43

Hiccup's heart,
"that
is a Grimbeard's Grapple.... But I expect a loser like you, who couldn't even beat a three-year-old in diapers, hasn't even
heard
of moves like that."

Hiccup said nothing.

"THAT, dear cousin," sneered Snotlout, "is HOW TO SWORDFIGHT." He put his sword back in its scabbard.

"Yup," he said, very pleased with himself, "I'm a genius. I'm going to make the best Chief this Tribe has ever had."

"It's just a shame," said Fishlegs, "that your brain isn't as big as one of your nostrils."

Snotlout looked irritated for a second as all the other boys laughed. He grabbed Hiccup by the scruff of the neck and lifted him clear off the ground.

"Amazing how the wooden case to that sword fell off, wasn't it?" he spat right into Hiccup's face. "You were lucky this time ... but the question is, can you be lucky ALL the time? Think about it, LOSER. Come on, Dogsbreath. Let's leave the girlies to get their beauty sleep."

He dropped Hiccup and as he went he trod heavily and deliberately on one of Fishlegs's hands.

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"Whoops," laughed Snotlout.

"Har Har Har Har," snorted Dogsbreath the Duhbrain.

And they jogged off.

"If Snotlout is EVER Chief of this Tribe, I'm emigrating," said Fishlegs, shaking his hand.

"Are you all right, Fishlegs?" asked Hiccup with concern, as he gazed down on Fishlegs still lying flat on his back.

"Perfect," croaked Fishlegs, coughing up a bit more seawater. "I do love an early morning swim. How about you?"

"Oh, couldn't be better really," said Hiccup bleakly, taking off one of his boots and pouring out a flood of seawater and a couple of small fish.

[Image: Hiccup.]

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"My first day at Pirate Training and I've already been humiliated by my pathetic swordfighting, beaten to a pulp, shipwrecked, and narrowly escaped Death by drowning. And it's not even ten o'clock yet."

"Maybe it was the SWORD that was the problem," suggested Fishlegs kindly but untruthfully.

Hiccup brightened up.

"You could be right," he said eagerly. "It felt a bit light in my hands. Perhaps I need something a bit chunkier, you know, to get some weight behind my swing." He did a few imaginary lunges in the air. "That must be it, because I still have this feeling that swordfighting is going to be my thing, you know?"

"Um, yeeeessss," said Fishlegs, not wanting to hurt Hiccup's feelings by mentioning that it had been the worst display of swordfighting he had seen, EVER. "And you need a lot more PRACTICE, don't you think?"

Hiccup nodded enthusiastically. "Anyway," he said, "we need to get after the others. I'm freezing, and I've a horrible feeling that some idiot is going to suggest OPENING that coffin which says quite clearly DO NOT OPEN. It would be just the sort of mindlessly stupid thing they would do."

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"What do you think could be in it?" asked Fishlegs.

"I don't know," said Hiccup, "but a pirate like Grimbeard the Ghastly won't have hidden the treasure in it without booby-trapping it in some way. You read what it said on the top. ... A man like him could have thought of all SORTS of unpleasant surprises."

Fishlegs sighed and struggled to his feet. They set off slowly towards the Hooligan Village, Toothless hitching a ride on Hiccup's helmet.

"They wouldn't open it, would they?" worried Fishlegs. "Surely, surely, SURELY, they couldn't be that stupid?"

[Image: A pirate.]

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5. DO NOT OPEN a Coffin That Says "DO NOT OPEN" on the Front

As soon as they got to the Hooligan Village, Hiccup and Fishlegs changed into dry(ish) clothes. (Berk was one of those damp places where clothes never really dried. They just became warm and wet rather than cold and wet.)

They hurried as quickly as they could towards the Great Hall.

[Image: The Hooligan Village.]

By the time they got there, Stoick had called a Big Meeting of Everybody and the Great Hall was already packed to bursting with great Hairy Hooligans jostling each other for a good view of the coffin, which had been placed on a table in front of the fire.

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Bit by bit Hiccup and Fishlegs managed to wriggle their way through the crowd to the front.

"Ah, Hiccup, there you are," said Hiccup's father Stoick the Vast absentmindedly, as he consulted with the other Elders in front of the coffin.

Stoick was a terrifying red-headed bull of a man whose belly turned a corner a good foot or two before the rest of him.

"Interesting find you've made here, my boy," said Stoick, ruffling his son's hair proudly. "The Lost Treasure of Grimbeard the Ghastly, eh?"

"Yes, Father, but... ," said Hiccup.

"We're just about to open it," said Stoick.

"But what
I'm
trying to say is," interrupted Old Wrinkly (the cleverest and most ancient Elder of the Hooligan Tribe), "it is written quite clearly on the top, 'DO NOT OPEN THIS COFFIN, Cursed be he who disturbs the remains of Grimbeard the Ghastly, the greatest pirate who ever struck Terror into the Inner Isles.' ... In my considerable experience it is always a good idea NOT TO OPEN a coffin that says 'DO NOT OPEN' on the front...."

"I agree," said Hiccup nervously. "Grimbeard

49

[Image: A man.]

50

the Ghastly was a nasty piece of work. Anybody who opens that coffin could be in for a horrible shock."

"Rubbish," scoffed Stoick the Vast. "A warning like that to put off grave robbers should not stay the hand of Fearsome Vikings like ourselves. Shall we, who laugh in the face of Death and spit in the eye of the Great Typhoon, quail at a simple curse to scare infants and old men?"

Cries of "No!" and "Not likely, guv'nor!"

"All those in favor of opening up the box and seeing whether the Lost Treasure of Grimbeard the Ghastly is inside say AYE!"

"AYE!!!" bellowed out every member of the Hooligan Tribe, except for Fishlegs, Old Wrinkly and Hiccup.

"R-r-run for your lives!" yelped Toothless, and hid in Hiccup's shirt. Fishlegs edged backwards into the crowd.

"NOT a good idea, NOT a good idea, NOT a good idea," muttered Hiccup. He started backing away from the coffin as Stoick fiddled clumsily with the iron clasps.

"NOT a good idea, NOT a good idea, NOT A

GOOD IDEA," repeated Hiccup as Stoick slowly
c-r-e-a-k-e-d
up the coffin lid....

c r-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-a-k...

51

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The coffin lid dropped open with a bang.

Stoick jumped away to avoid being splashed by the seawater gushing out of it from all sides.

Everybody else tried very hard not to look nervous.

Stoick peered into the coffin.

There was a bit of a pause.

"Not pretty, was he?" sniffed Stoick the Vast, trying to show off how much he laughed in the face of Death.

"Oh, I don't know, sir," said Gobber the Belch, leaning in to look as well. "I think I can see a bit of a family resemblance."

"I know what you mean," said Baggybum the Beerbelly, turning his head thoughtfully. "There's a look of Great-Aunt Heftythighs."

Hiccup forced himself to open his eyes. If he was ever going to be a pirate, he would have to get used to this sort of thing. He made himself peer over the edge and into the coffin.

There, in a state of green and yellow decay, lay the corpse of Grimbeard the Ghastly. It wasn't so bad really. The face was all slimy and drippy, but it wasn't crawling with maggots or anything disgusting. Rather peaceful really, lying so still....

53

And then Hiccup was sure he saw one of the paper-white fingers twitch slightly.

He blinked and stared hard at it.

Nothing for a second.

And then ... there it was again, a definite quivering....

"The c-c-corpse!" stuttered Hiccup. "It's m-m-moving!"

"Nonsense, boy!" snapped Gobber the Belch. "How can he possibly move? He's DEAD, isn't he?" And he gave the corpse a prod with one fat forefinger.

The corpse of Grimbeard the Ghastly snapped straight upright, propelled by some appalling force from within it, yellow eyes popping, dribbly green face contorted in a ghastly grimace.

"Aaaaaargh," gurgled the corpse of Grimbeard the Ghastly, straight into the face of Gobber the Belch.

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"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" screeched Gobber the Belch, jumping quite three feet in the air with his hair and his beard sticking out in all directions with the shock of it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" yelled the rest of the Tribe.

For while Hooligans do indeed laugh in the face of Death and spit in the eye of the Great Typhoon, they have a morbid fear of the SUPERNATURAL.

Stoick dived underneath the table with his arms over his head in the vague belief that if he couldn't see IT, IT couldn't see HIM.

Seawater poured out of the coffin. The corpse of Grimbeard the Ghastly made disgusting choking noises. The veins on its popping yellow eyes stood out, its grey mouth quivered horribly.

Only Old Wrinkly remained calm.

"Don't panic," said Old Wrinkly, "this is NOT the corpse of Grimbeard the Ghastly...."

Hiccup had frozen in sheer terror. But he trusted Old Wrinkly, and he opened his eyes.

Nobody else took any notice whatsoever. They went on panicking like crazy.

BOOK: How to be a Pirate's Dragon (Hiccup)
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