How to be a Pirate's Dragon (Hiccup) (5 page)

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"No, no," said Alvin reassuringly, "you've got natural ability, I can see that. You just need a little coaching, that's all. Let me show you."

Alvin carefully put his helmet by the side of the ferns for safekeeping. Hiccup watched, fascinated, as he untwisted the claw attached to his right arm. In its place he fixed a "sword-holder" mechanism. He then drew his sword and showed Hiccup how he could fit it into the mechanism. He twisted it tight so it wouldn't fall off.

"A clever little contraption I designed myself," said Alvin. "I think I even fight better now than I did before the accident. ..." He twirled his mustache and demonstrated the Grapple himself.

"You see," said Alvin, "the weight should be kept on the left foot."

Hiccup followed him carefully ... and fell over again.

"BRAVO!" clapped Alvin, to Hiccup's surprise.

"But I fell over again," said Hiccup.

"But with such STYLE," said Alvin. "You can't teach that, it's in the blood."

Alvin replaced the sword with the claw and picked up his helmet. He made a grimace as he put

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it back on his head. He took it off again and peered inside. "There seems to be some sort of MUD in here, some sort of very SMELLY mud. ..."

"It's all over your hair, I'm afraid, sir," said Hiccup.

Alvin looked horrified. He was very particular about his personal appearance. He hurried away to wash it off.

[Image: A dragon.]

Toothless, who had been hunting rats through

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the ferns, came and perched on Hiccup's shoulder. He had the giggles.

Eventually, when he got his breath back, he choked out, "P-p-pooed in his
helmet....
"

"TOOTHLESS!" scolded Hiccup. "That's revolting and unkind. Why did you poo inpoor Alvin's helmet?"

"H-h-he's a BAD MAN," replied Toothless.

"Who, Alvin the Poor-but-Honest Farmer?" asked Hiccup in surprise. "Don't be so prejudiced, Toothless. Just because he's not from round these parts doesn't make him a bad man...."

"S-s-suit yourself," shrugged Toothless, checking out his wings for dragonfleas. "Toothless thinks he's an O-O-Outcast."

Hiccup started nervously.

Outcasts were Vikings who were so vicious, so terrible and sneaking and burglarous, that they had been cast out of regular Viking society, and had formed an extraordinarily ferocious Tribe of their own. It was even rumored that some Outcasts ate their enemies.

"Oh, come ON," protested Hiccup. "He doesn't look anything LIKE an Outcast."

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"Y-y-you ever seen one?" asked Toothless.

"Well, no," admitted Hiccup,
"but neither
have you, and
y
ou haven't a shred of evidence. Let's go and get some lunch and forget this rubbish."

That conversation sowed a little seed of doubt in Hiccup's mind.

He was already feeling uneasy because he knew that he and all the other boys were going to have to join in this suicidal quest to the Isle of the Skullions, which would set out just as soon as Stoick and Alvin had worked out a Plan to avoid the Tiny Problem of everybody being eaten alive the moment they landed on the island.

[Image: A dragon.]

And he knew that he, Hiccup, as the Heir to the Hairy Hooligans, was supposed to be the one

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to find the treasure. So when he wasn't doing his swordfighting, or being shouted at by Gobber on the Training Program, he was bustling Toothless out of the door to practice sniffing for treasure.

The first morning was typical. Fishlegs turned up with his dragon Horrorcow, and they stood watching in polite astonishment as Hiccup went through the elaborate game of getting Toothless out of the front door.

Firstly, Hiccup went through the house shouting Toothless's name.

No answer.

Next, Hiccup stole a mackerel from the pantry.

"Ohhhhh, Toothless," he sang craftily, waving the fishy stench around a bit to get Toothless's interest. "I've got a lovely piece of mackerel for you."

A very muffled but thoughtful voice replied, "T-t-toothless sick. T-t-toothless can't come out 'cos he's V-V-VERY VERY sick."

"Then you won't want this mackerel then," sang Hiccup.

Another pause.

"M-m-mackerel good for the sick. Have mackerel but NO GO OUT."

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Hiccup had worked out where the voice was coming from. He peered up the chimney, and there was Toothless, hanging upside down in a cloud of smoke.

"NO, Toothless," said Hiccup in his firmest voice. "You have the
mackerel
, you have to go out, THAT'S the deal. And you have to PROMISE."

"Okay, then," said Toothless, flapping out of the chimney, "Toothless p-p-promise."

Hiccup held out the mackerel.

With a shriek of "T-T-TOOTHLESS CROSSED HIS CLAWS!" Toothless grabbed the fish, pushed Hiccup heavily in the chest, and disappeared at high speed into the other room, leaving Hiccup to topple over into the fireplace in a cloud of ash.

It didn't take long for Hiccup to find him again.

A telltale drift of bluey-gray smoke was curling out from the end of Stoick's bed.

Hiccup tiptoed up and dragged him out from under the covers.

With a squawk of outrage, Toothless grabbed hold of one of the bed knobs in his powerful jaws.

Hiccup got him by the tail and pulled.

"Come ON, Toothless," said Hiccup, "time for

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LEARNING TO SPEAK DRAGONESE

Dragonese is punctuated by shrill shrieks and popping noises, and sounds

MOST EXTRAOROINARY when spoken by a human. The word " pishyou," for example, is pronounced very like a sneeze.

MORE COMMON DRAGON PHRASES:

Pishyou na munch-munch di miaow-miaow

Please do not eat the cat

Hoody chuch-it-up un di jum-jams di pappa?

Who has been sick in my father's pajamas?

PARKA DI BOTTY, forsakes di Woden, or me do di girly boo-hoo.

SIT, for Woden's sake, before I burst into tears

(To big dragons):
Mi wobblediguts bigtime
.

I am very poisonous

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sniffing practice...."He tickled Toothless under one wing. Toothless wriggled a bit, going red in the face. Hiccup tickled him under the other.

Toothless let go, giggling, and there was a short kerfuffle, in which Toothless bit Hiccup several times, before Hiccup finally got him under control, tucking him under one arm and holding his mouth shut with the other.

"Now," said Hiccup, "you know we have to practice the sniffing. You want us to find the treasure, don't you , not Fireworm or Seaslug? You want us to show everybody what amazing sniffers Toothless Daydreams really are, don't you?"

Toothless nodded, still with Hiccup holding his mouth shut.

"Well, tien," said Hiccup, "we have to practice. Promise you won't bite me anymore, and no claw-crossing?"

As soon as Hiccup had removed his fingers, Toothless went all limp and floppy.

"T-t-toothless so w-w-weak... can't sniff when he's so w-w-weak...," he moaned pathetically.

"RIGHT," said Hiccup, "you can have the

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other half of the mackerel if you BEHAVE FROM NOW NO."

"Okay, then," grumbled Toothless, shaking his wings. "T-t-toothless Daydreams such g-g-g-good sniffers they don't have to p-p-practice, but OKAY."

Hiccup and Fishlegs scraped the disgusting mess of the rest of the mackerel from the bottom of Stoick's bed -- Stoick was NOT going to be pleased -- and fed it to Toothless, as well as a small haddock pie and three or four oysters.

"He won't be able to FLY at this rate," said Fishlegs.

They set off into the hills and bogs of Berk, Toothless whining the whole way, "C-c-carry me, c-c-carry me, my w-w-wings ache..... Are we n-n-nearly there yet?"

Berk was always a wild-looking place, tree-less and boggy, heather-blown and fern-filled. And, of course, it was practically always raining, anything from a light, persistent drizzle to a drenching downpour. (There are twenty-eight words that mean "rain" in the Hooligan language.)

But if you like your landscapes bleak and dramatic, Berk was attractive in its own way, and

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this was now spoilt by the great muddy holes the Hooligans were digging everywhere, ever since they had become obsessed with hunting for treasure.

What with avoiding the holes, and wading through waist-high gorse and bracken, it took the boys an hour or so even to get up into the hills to practice. And by the time they got there, Horrorcow had fallen into such a deep sleep on Fishlegs's shoulder it was impossible to wake her.

Hiccup brought out an old gold bracelet of his mother's for Toothless to sniff.

"That's the smell you're looking for," he said.

"N-n-no problem," said Toothless. "Easy-p-p-peasy..."

After two hot and breathless hours of running around after Toothless and digging where he said he could sniff something, the boys surveyed what they had found.

1 turnip

3 rabbits
(couldn't catch them)

1 small broken spoon

Um ... that's it, really.

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Hiccup shook his head mournfully. "It's not good, is it?"

"Not good? NOT GOOD??" exclaimed a jeering voice behind them. "It's
pathetic,
that's what it is."

Hiccup turned round, and there was Snotlout, laughing so hard Dogsbreath had to hold him upright.

"I mean, a VEGETABLE and a PIECE OF CUTLERY?" Snotlout wiped the tears from his eyes. "It's just so brilliantly Useless...."

[Image: A man.]

"Do you really think," tittered Snotlout, once

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he had recovered somewhat,
"that
microscopic amoeba," Snotlout pointed at Toothless, "is going to lead you to TREASURE? He couldn't sniff his way to his own bottom."

Toothless bristled angrily.

"But then he's just a mongrel Common or Garden ...," scoffed Snotlout.

"Toothless-not-repeat-not-a-Common-or-Graden-D-d-dragon!" Graden-D-d-dragon!" howled Toothless. "Toothless VERY RARE breed c-c-called a Toothless Daydream...."

"Now, Fireworm here is a Monstrous Nightmare, one of your pure hunting greenbloods.... Look what a REAL hunting dragon can find if she puts her nose to it...." Snotlout reached into a bag slung round his waist and drew out a large silver plate, a dagger with ancient runes winding round the handle and a couple of pretty bead necklaces.

[Image: A dragon.]

"And that's only an afternoon's work," said Snotlout.

Fireworm purred with pleasure. She shrugged her beautiful, shining, blood-red shoulders.

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"To tie nose of an aristocrat like myself," she hissed, "the thing was reeking like a week-old haddock."

"Naturally," said Toothless, "if you have a nose the s-s-size of an elephant seal it m-m-makes life easy for you."

Fireworm's nostrils flared furiously. "I have a beautifully proportioned nose," she snapped.

"Now, now, Fireworm," chided Snotlout, who didn't understand Dragonese but knew they were trading insults, "don't let the peasants upset you. Just think of when we get to the Isle of the Skullions and you sniff out the treasure and everybody will know that
I
am the true heir to the Hairy Hooligans.... Nice thought, isn't it, Useless?"

Snotlout leant forward, and with the edge of the plate he was holding, pushed Hiccup very gently backwards until he overbalanced into the mud.

"Har Har Har Har Har!" snorted Snotlout and Dogsbreath, and they sauntered off.

It was very depressing.

All in all, ever since Alvin arrived, Hiccup had been walking around with a sick feeling in his stomach

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and a prickle of fear crawling spiderishly down the back of his neck.

It wasn't just the thought of the quest to the Isle of the Skullions (although he was already having nightmares about being ripped to pieces by panther-like creatures with teeth like broken glass). It was this feeling that there was something evil, something POISONOUS lurking on the Isle of Berk.

And that something really terrible was going to happen ... sometime soon....

[Image: A dragon.]

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