How to Win Friends and Influence People (19 page)

PRINCIPLE 5

Get the other person saying “yes, yes”

immediately.

THE SAFETY VALVE IN HANDLING

COMPLAINTS

Must people trying to win others to their way of thinking

do too much talking themselves. Let the other people

talk themselves out. They know more about their business

and problems than you do. So ask them questions.

Let them tell you a few things.

If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt.

But don’t. It is dangerous. They won’t pay attention

to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their

own crying for expression. So listen patiently and with

an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to

express their ideas fully.

Does this policy pay in business? Let’s see. Here is

the story of a sales representative who was forced to try

it.

One of the largest automobile manufacturers in the

United States was negotiating for a year’s requirements

of upholstery fabrics. Three important manufacturers

had worked up fabrics in sample bodies. These had all

been inspected by the executives of the motor company,

and notice had been sent to each manufacturer saying

that, on a certain day, a representative from each supplier

would be given an opportunity to make a final plea

for the contract.

G.B.R., a representative of one manufacturer, arrived

in town with a severe attack of laryngitis. “When it came

my turn to meet the executives in conference,” Mr.

R---- said as he related the story before one of my

classes, “I had lost my voice. I could hardly whisper. I

was ushered into a room and found myself face to face

with the textile engineer, the purchasing agent, the director

of sales and the president of the company. I stood

up and made a valiant effort to speak, but I couldn’t do

anything more than squeak.

“They were all seated around a table, so I wrote on a

pad of paper: ‘Gentlemen, I have lost my voice. I am

speechless.’

" ‘I’ll do the talking for you,’ the president said. He

did. He exhibited my samples and praised their good

points. A lively discussion arose about the merits of my

goods. And the president, since he was talking for me,

took the position I would have had during the discussion

My sole participation consisted of smiles, nods and

a few gestures.

“As a result of this unique conference, I was awarded

the contract, which called for over half a million yards of

upholstery fabrics at an aggregate value of $1,600,000 -

the biggest order I had ever received.

"I know I would have lost the contract if I hadn’t lost

my voice, because I had the wrong idea about the whole

proposition. I discovered, quite by accident, how richly

it sometimes pays to let the other person do the talking.'

Letting the other person do the talking helps in family

situations as well as in business. Barbara Wilson's relationship

with her daughter, Laurie, was deteriorating

rapidly. Laurie, who had been a quiet, complacent child,

had grown into an uncooperative, sometimes belligerent

teenager. Mrs. Wilson lectured her, threatened her and

punished her, but all to no avail.

“One day,” Mrs. Wilson told one of our classes, "I just

gave up. Laurie had disobeyed me and had left the

house to visit her girl friend before she had completed

her chores. When she returned I was about to scream at

her for the ten-thousandth time, but I just didn’t have

the strength to do it. I just looked at her and said sadly,

‘Why, Laurie, Why?’

“Laurie noted my condition and in a calm voice asked,

‘Do you really want to know?’ I nodded and Laurie told

me, first hesitantly, and then it all flowed out. I had

never listened to her. I was always telling her to do this

or that. When she wanted to tell me her thoughts, feelings,

ideas, I interrupted with more orders. I began to

realize that she needed me - not as a bossy mother, but

as a confidante, an outlet for all her confusion about

growing up. And all I had been doing was talking when

I should have been listening. I never heard her.

“From that time on I let her do all the talking she

wanted. She tells me what is on her mind, and our relationship

has improved immeasurably. She is again a cooperative

person.”

A large advertisement appeared on the financial page

of a New York newspaper calling for a person with unusual

ability and experience. Charles T. Cubellis answered

the advertisement, sending his reply to a box

number. A few days later, he was invited by letter to call

for an interview. Before he called, he spent hours in

Wall Street finding out everything possible about the

person who had founded the business. During the interview,

he remarked: "I should be mighty proud to be

associated with an organization with a record like yours.

I understand you started twenty-eight years ago with

nothing but desk room and one stenographer. Is that

true?”

Almost every successful person likes to reminisce

about his early struggles. This man was no exception.

He talked for a long time about how he had started with

$450 in cash and an original idea. He told how he had

fought against discouragement and battled against ridicule,

working Sundays and holidays, twelve to sixteen

hours a day; how he had finally won against all odds

until now the most important executives on Wall Street

were coming to him for information and guidance. He

was proud of such a record. He had a right to be, and he

had a splendid time telling about it. Finally, he questioned

Mr. Cubellis briefly about his experience, then

called in one of his vice presidents and said: “I think

this is the person we are looking for.”

Mr. Cubellis had taken the trouble to find out about

the accomplishments of his prospective employer. He

showed an interest in the other person and his problems.

He encouraged the other person to do most of the talking

- and made a favorable impression.

Roy G. Bradley of Sacramento, California, had the opposite

problem. He listened as a good prospect for a

sales position talked himself into a job with Bradley’s

firm, Roy reported:

“Being a small brokerage firm, we had no fringe benefits,

such as hospitalization, medical insurance and pensions.

Every representative is an independent agent. We

don’t even provide leads for prospects, as we cannot advertise

for them as our larger competitors do.

“Richard Pryor had the type of experience we wanted

for this position, and he was interviewed first by my

assistant, who told him about all the negatives related to

this job. He seemed slightly discouraged when he came

into my office. I mentioned the one benefit of being associated

with my firm, that of being an independent contractor

and therefore virtually being self-employed.

“As he talked about these advantages to me, he talked

himself out of each negative thought he had when he

came in for the interview. Several times it seemed as

though he was half talking to himself as he was thinking

through each thought. At times I was tempted to add to

his thoughts; however, as the interview came to a close

I felt he had convinced himself, very much on his own,

that he would like to work for my firm.

“Because I had been a good listener and let Dick do

most of the talking, he was able to weigh both sides

fairly in his mind, and he came to the positive conclusion,

which was a challenge he created for himself. We

hired him and he has been an outstanding representative

for our firm,”

Even our friends would much rather talk to us about

their achievements than listen to us boast about ours.

La Rochefoucauld, the French philosopher, said: “If

you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want

friends, let your friends excel you.”

Why is that true? Because when our friends excel us,

they feel important; but when we excel them, they - or

at least some of them - will feel inferior and envious.

By far the best-liked placement counselor in the Mid-town

Personnel Agency in New York City was Henrietta

G ---- It hadn’t always been that way. During the first

few months of her association with the agency, Henrietta

didn’t have a single friend among her colleagues. Why?

Because every day she would brag about the placements

she had made, the new accounts she had opened, and

anything else she had accomplished.

"I was good at my work and proud of it,” Henrietta

told one of our classes. " But instead of my colleagues

sharing my triumphs, they seemed to resent them. I

wanted to be liked by these people. I really wanted

them to be my friends. After listening to some of the

suggestions made in this course, I started to talk about

myself less and listen more to my associates. They also

had things to boast about and were more excited about

telling me about their accomplishments than about listening

to my boasting. Now, when we have some time

to chat, I ask them to share their joys with me, and I only

mention my achievements when they ask.”

PRINCIPLE 6

Let the other person do a great deal of the

talking.

HOW TO GET COOPERATION

Don’t you have much more faith in ideas that you discover

for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you

on a silver platter? If so, isn’t it bad judgment to try to

ram your opinions down the throats of other people?

Isn’t it wiser to make suggestions - and let the other person

think out the conclusion?

Adolph Seltz of Philadelphia, sales manager in an automobile

showroom and a student in one of my courses,

suddenly found himself confronted with the necessity of

injecting enthusiasm into a discouraged and disorganized

group of automobile salespeople. Calling a sales

meeting, he urged his people to tell him exactly what

they expected from him. As they talked, he wrote their

ideas on the blackboard. He then said: “I’ll give you all

these qualities you expect from me. Now I want you to

tell me what I have a right to expect from you.” The

replies came quick and fast: loyalty, honesty, initiative,

optimism, teamwork, eight hours a day of enthusiastic

work, The meeting ended with a new courage, a new

inspiration - one salesperson volunteered to work fourteen

hours a day - and Mr. Seltz reported to me that the

increase of sales was phenomenal.

“The people had made a sort of moral bargain with

me, " said Mr. Seltz, “and as long as I lived up to my part

in it, they were determined to live up to theirs. Consulting

them about their wishes and desires was just the shot

in the arm they needed.”

No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold some-

thing or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that

we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own

ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our

wants, our thoughts.

Take the case of Eugene Wesson. He lost countless

thousands of dollars in commissions before he learned

this truth. Mr. Wesson sold sketches for a studio that

created designs for stylists and textile manufacturers.

Mr. Wesson had called on one of the leading stylists in

New York once a week, every week for three years. “He

never refused to see me,” said Mr. Wesson, “but he

never bought. He always looked over my sketches very

carefully and then said: ‘No, Wesson, I guess we don’t

get together today.' "

After 150 failures, Wesson realized he must be in a

mental rut, so he resolved to devote one evening a week

to the study of influencing human behavior, to help him

develop new ideas and generate new enthusiasm.

He decided on this new approach. With half a dozen

unfinished artists’ sketches under his arm, he rushed

over to the buyer’s office. "I want you to do me a little

favor, if you will,” he said. “‘Here are some uncompleted

sketches. Won’t you please tell me how we could finish

them up in such a way that you could use them?”

The buyer looked at the sketches for a while without

uttering a word. Finally he said: “Leave these with me

for a few days, Wesson, and then come back and see

me.”

Wesson returned three davs later, got his suggestions,

took the sketches back to the studio and had them finished

according to the buyer’s ideas. The result? All accepted.

After that, this buyer ordered scores of other sketches

from Wesson, all drawn according to the buyer’s ideas.

“I realized why I had failed for years to sell him,” said

Mr. Wesson. " I had urged him to buy what I thought he

ought to have. Then I changed my approach completely.

I urged him to give me his ideas. This made him feel

that he was creating the designs. And he was. I didn’t

have to sell him. He bought.”

Letting the other person feel that the idea is his or

hers not only works in business and politics, it works in

family life as well. Paul M. Davis of Tulsa, Oklahoma,

told his class how he applied this principle:

“My family and I enjoyed one of the most interesting

sightseeing vacation trips we have ever taken. I had long

dreamed of visiting such historic sites as the Civil War

battlefield in Gettysburg, Independence Hall in Philadelphia,

and our nation’s capital. Valley Forge, James-town

and the restored colonial village of Williamsburg

were high on the list of things I wanted to see.

“In March my wife, Nancy, mentioned that she had

ideas for our summer vacation which included a tour of

the western states, visiting points of interest in New

Mexico, Arizona, California and Nevada. She had

wanted to make this trip for several years. But we

couldn’t obviously make both trips.

“Our daughter, Anne, had just completed a course in

U.S. history in junior high school and had become very

interested in the events that had shaped our country’s

growth. I asked her how she would like to visit the

places she had learned about on our next vacation. She

said she would love to.

“Two evenings later as we sat around the dinner table,

Nancy announced that if we all agreed, the summer’s

vacation would be to the eastern states, that it would he

a great trip for Anne and thrilling for all of us. We all

concurred.”

This same psychology was used by an X-ray manufacturer

to sell his equipment to one of the largest hospitals

in Brooklyn This hospital was building an addition and

preparing to equip it with the finest X-ray department in

America. Dr. L----, who was in charge of the X-ray department,

was overwhelmed with sales representatives,

each caroling the praises of his own company’s equipment.

One manufacturer, however, was more skillful. He

knew far more about handling human nature than the

others did. He wrote a letter something like this:

Our factory has recently completed a new line of X-ray

equipment. The first shipment of these machines has just

arrived at our office. They are not perfect. We know that,

and we want to improve them. So we should be deeply

obligated to you if you could find time to look them over

and give us your ideas about how they can be made more

serviceable to your profession. Knowing how occupied you

are, I shall be glad to send my car for you at any hour you

specify.

"I was surprised to get that letter,” Dr. L ---- said as

he related the incident before the class. “I was both

surprised and complimented. I had never had an X-ray

manufacturer seeking my advice before. It made me feel

important. I was busy every night that week, but I canceled

a dinner appointment in order to look over the

equipment. The more I studied it, the more I discovered

for myself how much I liked it.

“Nobody had tried to sell it to me. I felt that the idea

of buying that equipment for the hospital was my own. I

sold myself on its superior qualities and ordered it installed.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson in his essay “Self-Reliance”

stated: “In every work of genius we recognize our own

rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain

alienated majesty.”

Colonel Edward M. House wielded an enormous influence

in national and international affairs while Woodrow

Wilson occupied the White House. Wilson leaned

upon Colonel House for secret counsel and advice more

than he did upon even members of his own cabinet.

What method did the Colonel use in influencing the

President? Fortunately, we know, for House himself revealed

it to Arthur D. Howden Smith, and Smith quoted

House in an article in
The Saturday Evening Post.

" ‘After I got to know the President,’ House said, ‘I

learned the best way to convert him to an idea was to

plant it in his mind casually, but so as to interest him in

it - so as to get him thinking about it on his own account.

The first time this worked it was an accident. I had been

visiting him at the White House and urged a policy on

him which he appeared to disapprove. But several days

later, at the dinner table, I was amazed to hear him trot

out my suggestion as his own.’ "

Did House interrupt him and say, “That’s not your

idea. That’s mine” ? Oh, no. Not House. He was too

adroit for that. He didn’t care about credit. He wanted

results. So he let Wilson continue to feel that the idea

was his. House did even more than that. He gave Wilson

public credit for these ideas.

Let’s remember that everyone we come in contact

with is just as human as Woodrow Wilson. So let’s use

Colonel House’s technique.

A man up in the beautiful Canadian province of New

Brunswick used this technique on me and won my patronage.

I was planning at the time to do some fishing

and canoeing in New Brunswick. So I wrote the tourist

bureau for information. Evidently my name and address

were put on a mailing list, for I was immediately overwhelmed

with scores of letters and booklets and printed

testimonials from camps and guides. I was bewildered.

I didn’t know which to choose. Then one camp owner

did a clever thing. He sent me the names and telephone

numbers of several New York people who had stayed at

his camp and he invited me to telephone them and discover

for myself what he had to offer.

I found to my surprise that I knew one of the men on

his list. I telephoned him, found out what his experience

had been, and then wired the camp the date of my arrival.

The others had been trying to sell me on their service,

but one let me sell myself. That organization won.

Twenty-five centuries ago, Lao-tse, a Chinese sage,

said some things that readers of this book might use

today:

" The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage

of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below

them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain

streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth

himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth

himself behind them. Thus, though his place be

above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place

be before them, they do not count it an injury.”