Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It (10 page)

Chapter 6

As I’ve explained, you have good reasons for maintaining your attachment-related anxiety—it can feel like a matter of survival. If you try to reduce this anxiety, your resistance will naturally run deep. This is true even if you consciously want to change and would be healthier for it. So if you are intent on improving your relationship, or searching for one, approach it diplomatically. Expect inner resistance and plan to persist. Instead of trying to overpower (or bully) yourself with demands to be different, try to “make friends” with your experiences. As with any new friends, you will earnestly try to get to know and understand them. Also, remember that those aspects of you that are holding on to attachment-related anxiety are trying to protect you—so engage with them sensitively.

Begin by opening yourself up to the idea of changing. Then you can move on to becoming more aware and accepting of your emotions, gaining awareness and perspective regarding your thoughts, and increasing your ability to mentalize. The sections below offer ways to develop in each of these areas. Try the exercises that seem to touch on where you need to—and are ready to—grow. Do them in whatever order seems to be most helpful, and repeat exercises as you see fit. Be alert to a strong desire
not
to do an exercise or to an aversion to thinking about some particular section. That could be a misguided effort by your unconscious to protect you, and might reveal an important area that you need to work on. So give serious consideration to what that section is addressing and to trying the exercise in it.

Resist the temptation to “push through the book” without really absorbing what the exercises have to offer. Feel free to work on any particular exercise for a while, or even to return to that exercise later after reading on.

To develop a secure romantic relationship, it helps to be aware of your ambivalence toward opening yourself up to the vulnerability that this goal invariably brings. It’s this awareness that can help you to see when and how your attachment-related anxiety prevents you from improving your relationship.

For instance, Andy knew that communication is important in relationships, so he forced himself to talk with his wife about her recently being distant. However, because he failed to acknowledge just how threatened he felt, he unconsciously protected himself by delivering the message in a hostile and accusatory manner (“We might as well not even be married. Honestly, you’re of no use to me!”). This only served to create more distance. Had he been more aware of wanting to talk but also wanting to avoid getting hurt, he would have had the opportunity to talk about his fear, which would have been more likely to elicit a caring response from his wife.

By facing your ambivalence, you are also facing your fears that you are unworthy of love (or that your partner might see you this way), and that you might lose the relationship you want so much. This is no small task. But by doing it, you will notice when you delay or self-sabotage attempts to improve your love life.

As you gain this awareness, approach your fears and anxieties gently. Take small steps. Prepare yourself for change by consciously working with your ambivalence. Do this in whatever way works for you, such as giving yourself time to think about your struggles, journaling, talking with a supportive friend, or expressing your struggles creatively, perhaps by painting or writing poetry.

It’s very important to understand that greater self-awareness does not mean you have to act any differently. So remove this pressure from yourself. For instance, acknowledging that you feel disrespected by your partner does not mean you
must
leave her. However, when you are caught in a bad pattern, greater awareness will help you to see how your patterns of behavior are painful. This increases the chances that you will
want
to do something differently. To this end, it might help to talk with someone you trust about your problems, or to read a good self-help book. In some cases, you might even find inspiration in a novel or movie. For instance, watching the movie
Silver Linings Playbook
(2012) might help you to feel that you can find love and happiness even with your emotional struggles.

Facing ambivalence is something you’ll need to do repeatedly as you challenge yourself to become more secure and to respond differently along the way in relationships. But at each of these times, when you are ready to take the next step, whatever it is, just do it. Be careful not to fall into the trap of thinking…and rethinking…
and rethinking
about your situation. Remember the adage, “Strike while the iron is hot”? Now’s the time to apply it.

People have difficulty identifying their emotions for many reasons. If you have trouble with this, it may be because you are out of touch with them. Or perhaps you don’t know the words to best describe them. Or you might be focusing more on your thinking. Or glossing over your emotions with general descriptions, such as “upset” or “bothered.”

If you have attachment-related anxiety, you are likely to find that your emotions frequently build in intensity and seem to meld together, leaving you feeling overwhelmed by one large, unidentifiable mass of emotion. Simply acknowledging and labeling emotions can deactivate and calm the amygdala, the part of your brain that triggers your intense distress.

By completing the next exercise, “Identifying Your Emotions,” you can learn to identify and differentiate your emotions. In doing so, you’ll also lessen their intensity and your distress—which will, in turn, enable you to learn to tolerate them better. Then you’ll be in a better position to nurture a closer relationship by communicating them to your partner in a productive way.

In going through this process, it is important that you develop the ability to both open up to your emotions
and
close yourself off to them. For instance, you can help yourself really feel your fear of rejection, which will feel “right” in that it is your genuine experience. But then, after some time of connecting with that experience, you might find that you are just digging yourself deeper into a depressive hole, or creating a greater sense of emotional chaos. I have found in my clinical experience that people usually have a sense of when they are productively connecting with their emotions versus just making themselves more upset. The idea is that, just as with any new skill, you want to stay in the gray zone—a little beyond what is comfortable, but not so far out that you are overreaching. When experiencing your emotions becomes counterproductive, it’s time to let go of this process and engage in something comforting—maybe lunch with a friend, watching a movie, or enjoying a walk in the park.

Exercise: Identifying Your Emotions

You can find clues to your emotions in the current situation, your bodily sensations, and your behaviors. So monitor these on a daily basis. If you tend to do well with structured help, make a chart with a column for each of these areas, as described below. Or, if you prefer, simply think about the areas—it can help to do this at prescribed times, such as in the morning or at meals. You might also talk about them with a trusted friend or your partner.

Although I discussed the difference between thoughts and feelings in the last chapter, the separation between these two things is not absolute. People’s thoughts or perceptions of a situation often affect their emotions. For instance, you may feel deeply sad when you reflect on your perception of yourself as having no value to others. In this case, it is more accurate to say that you feel “worthless” or “pathetic” than to label your emotion as “sad.” Even though these words reflect thoughts or judgments, they also express an emotional experience. Similarly, after finding out that your spouse has had an affair, your hurt and anger would mix with your thoughts to leave you feeling betrayed. So as you consider your emotions, you might find that they are influenced or somehow intermingled with your thoughts.

Consider the chart below. Use it, and the explanation of it that follows, to guide your thinking or as an example for setting up your own chart.

Chart 1 (Exercise: Identifying Your Emotions)

Date:
By recording the date, you can help keep track of patterns in your emotions, especially if you return to this exercise at different times.

Situation:
Make note of the situation when you feel distressed. For instance, you might notice that your husband is not home for dinner for the third time this week, and that he only let you know he’d be late as an afterthought when you phoned him.

Sensations:
Pay attention to how you feel in your body. For instance, when you learned that your husband was going to be home late, you felt tight in your chest and even developed a headache soon afterward. In other situations, you might feel hot, dizzy, or shaky, or you might have “butterflies” in your stomach.

Behaviors:
Note what you did in response to the situation. In our example, you might write down that you got off the phone quickly and then cried—or threw something.

Thoughts:
Note your thoughts about the situation, yourself, and your partner. So, in this column you might write, “It’s not okay for him to keep doing this. I wonder what I’m doing wrong that’s pushing him away. I think he might be having an affair.”

Emotions:
As you attend to your sensations, behaviors, and thoughts, do particular emotions arise? Rather than trying to force a label of what you think you “should” be feeling, try letting the names of the emotions bubble up. For instance, you might write, “Frustration, anger, anxiety, fear of rejection, hurt, betrayal.”

If this proves too difficult, consult the list of emotions in the chart that follows. To be clear, this list includes labels for basic emotions (such as joyful, angry, and afraid); combinations of emotions (surprised + sad = disappointed); and combinations of emotions and thoughts (joyful + perceived success = proud). I provide all of these combinations to help you recognize the many nuances of the emotions that you might feel. So see which ones you connect with. You might even want to copy this chart and keep it handy throughout your day. Remember that you might be experiencing a number of emotions—even some that conflict with each other.

By identifying your emotions, you are acknowledging your experience. This is fundamental in understanding yourself, managing your feelings effectively, and communicating with your partner in a way that enables him to understand you—and hopefully to connect with you, too. So, especially if you struggle with identifying your emotions, this exercise is well worth practicing.

List of Emotions

HAPPY

At ease

Ecstatic

Hopeful

Pleased

Thankful

Blissful

Elated

Humorous

Proud

Tranquil

Calm

Energetic

Inspired

Relaxed

Cheerful

Excited

Lighthearted

Relieved

Comfortable

Exhilarated

Optimistic

Satisfied

Wonderful

Content

Glad

Peaceful

Serene

Delighted

Grateful

Playful

Spirited

COMPETENT

Adept

Capable

Independent

Powerful

Self-reliant

Adequate

Composed

Indestructible

Privileged

Strong

Arrogant

Confident

Inspired

Savvy

Thoughtful

Brave

Courageous

Invincible

Secure

Together

Cocky

Important

Invulnerable

Self-assured

Worthy

VALUED

Accepted

Belonging

Included

Respected

Worshipped

Admired

Cherished

Loved

Revered

Wanted

Adored

Appreciated

Favored

Understood

Desirable

Desired

Idolized

Validated

LOVING

Affectionate

Attracted

Fond

Longing

Yearning

Adoring

Desirous

Horny

Lustful

Aroused

Enchanted

Infatuated

Passionate

CARING

Compassionate

Connected

Forgiving

Tender

Concerned

Empathic

Liking

Warm

INTERESTED

Absorbed

Challenged

Determined

Fascinated

Intrigued

Addicted

Committed

Eager

Fervent

Motivated

Anticipating

Curious

Engrossed

Focused

Resolute

Ardent

Dedicated

Enthusiastic

Intent

VINDICATED

Absolved

Appeased

Forgiven

Redeemed

UNHAPPY

Agonized

Discontented

Hurt

Negative

Stressed

Alone

Discouraged

Inadequate

Pained

Stubborn

Anguished

Disheartened

Inferior

Pathetic

Sullen

Blue

Disillusioned

Jealous

Pessimistic

Suspicious

Crushed

Dissatisfied

Lonely

Regretful

Tortured

Dark

Envious

Low

Remorseful

Withdrawn

Depressed

Gloomy

Melancholy

Sad

Despondent

Grief-stricken

Miserable

Shameful

Detached

Guilty

Moody

Somber

Disappointed

Heartbroken

Needy

Startled

INSECURE

Awkward

Confused

Indecisive

Surprised

Uncomfortable

Baffled

Disoriented

Lost

Torn

Unfocused

Bewildered

Embarrassed

Puzzled

Uncertain

Unsure

Common

Foolish

Silly

Uneasy

Worthless

OVERWHELMED

Burdened

Despairing

Hopeless

Pressured

Thwarted

Compelled

Devastated

Impotent

Worn down

Worn out

Confused

Disorganized

Obligated

Trapped

Consumed

Exhausted

Obliterated

Useless

Defeated

Helpless

Powerless

Weak

UNLOVED

Abandoned

Criticized

Hated

Lonely

Singled out

Aching

Cut off

Humiliated

Misunderstood

Unlovable

Alienated

Deserted

Ignored

Oppressed

Unsupported

Alone

Discarded

Insignificant

Overlooked

Used

Belittled

Disgraced

Judged

Rejected

Victimized

Betrayed

Disparaged

Labeled

Repulsive

Chastised

Excluded

Left out

Shamed

FEARFUL

Afraid

Cowardly

Frightened

Paranoid

Terrified

Alarmed

Defenseless

Hesitant

Petrified

Timid

Anxious

Distrustful

Horrified

Scared

Vulnerable

Apprehensive

Doubtful

Hysterical

Shaky

Worried

Cautious

Dreading

Nervous

Suspicious

Concerned

Exposed

Panicked

Tense

ANGRY

Aggressive

Defiant

Fuming

Infuriated

Offended

Annoyed

Disdainful

Furious

Irate

Outraged

Appalled

Disgusted

Hostile

Irritated

Repulsed

Bitter

Enraged

Incensed

Livid

Resentful

Contemptuous

Frustrated

Indignant

Mad

Scornful

INDIFFERENT

Ambivalent

Complacent

Lazy

Passive

Apathetic

Flat

Lethargic

Unmotivated

Bored

Lackadaisical

Numb

SURPRISED

Amazed

Astonished

Shocked

Tolerating Your Emotions

As you open up to self-awareness, it is essential that you be able to tolerate your emotions. You must be able to endure emotional distress while resisting the urge to try to make it immediately disappear, which would prevent you from fully connecting with, understanding, and coming to terms with the experience. Neural plasticity—the ability of the brain to change—is what enables this working-through process to help you eventually relate differently to your emotions.

You can increase tolerance of your emotions by exposing yourself to them, but carefully, and not so much that you feel overwhelmed. You can do this through mindfulness and meditation, which I will discuss in depth in chapter 8. You can also do it by approaching your emotions with curiosity.