Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It (6 page)

Every time Dick sees Jane around the house, he ridicules her.

Every time Jane sees Dick, she tries to avoid him.

Dick stokes his feelings of superiority by ridiculing Jane.

Jane’s avoidance reinforces Dick’s feelings of superiority.

Every time Jane sees Dick, she tries to avoid him.

Every time Dick sees Jane, he ridicules her.

Jane stokes her feelings of inferiority by avoiding Dick.

Dick’s ridicule reinforces Jane’s feelings of inferiority.

Partners maintain a balance between them that they both resist changing, even when the relationship is strained. Each person reinforces his or her own self-view by behaving in a way consistent with it. This behavior also elicits responses from the other partner that confirm this self-perception. With such feedback “proving” what they already “know” about themselves, people again act in line with their self-perceptions…it’s a closed loop.

In a bizarre way, the above pattern of interaction gives both Dick
and
Jane a sense of safety—they know what to expect from themselves and each other, and how to respond. This predictability provides a comfort even for Jane—how much harder would it be for her if Dick was sometimes really nice and other times nasty? And imagine how confusing and uncomfortable it would be for Jane—even if it also felt good—if Dick treated her consistently well when she deeply believed that she was unlovable and expected him to reject her at any moment.

When others treat you in a way that fits with your self-perceptions, you feel validated and the relationship feels comfortably familiar, even if it is painful. You are also more likely to continue the relationship than if the person did not seem to really “get” you. For example, as you might assume, secure people who feel good about themselves want to be around others who think highly of them. However—and this is perhaps not as intuitive—anxious people with low self-esteem often leave when their partners persist in viewing them as precious and lovable. Instead, they tend to stay with and marry less supportive partners—which, of course, just reinforces their sense of being unlovable. This places them in a situation where there is legal and social pressure to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy for them.

Because such predictability is comforting, any changes in a relationship—even
positive
ones—are often met with resistance. People feel pulled by themselves, as well as by their partners and others, to return to more predictable ways. Although this draw to old patterns is strong, people
can
develop new ones. When a person does change, some old relationships accommodate to the change, others die off, and new relationships develop from the “new self.” Recognizing and accepting this ahead of time can ease the transition.

A good example of this was provided in the movie
Pretty Woman
(1990). I’m not talking about the title character, but about Edward (Richard Gere), a strong, capable, and extremely successful businessman whose approach to life is coldly calculating. When he meets a call girl, Vivian (Julia Roberts), she challenges him to open up. He resists at first, preferring to hold on to his more distant persona. But with time and the new emotionally intimate relationship, he becomes a warmer person. Then he begins to approach his work more humanely. These changes wreak havoc. His lawyer rails against this change, and the other “suits” who work for him balk. But in grand Hollywood style, the audience is left to believe that Edward is a changed man. He marries the woman who has changed him, and his employees must learn to adjust to the new him or find a new job.

One of the most common problematic relationship styles is the pursuit-withdrawal pattern, which emerges between an anxiously attached partner (more frequently a woman) and an avoidant partner. In fact, it’s so common that there’s a good chance that you’ve experienced it at some point. It works like this: Each time the anxious partner steps forward or leans in for closeness, the avoidant partner pulls back, which prompts the anxious partner to try to get close again. Sometimes it can be hard to see this dance of intimacy beneath everyday topics, discussions, and interactions. To get a sense of how this plays out, consider Lucy and Ken. After dating for about a year, they moved in together. Unfortunately, within just a few months, their relationship had become increasingly strained:

Lucy: When you come home, you barely even say hi to me.

Ken: Well, I’m tired and need a chance to just breathe. But after I’ve settled in, I do ask you about your day, and you give me the cold shoulder.

Lucy: Sure, you come down after having showered, changed clothes, and relaxed a while. Meanwhile, I’m stressing out getting dinner on the table for us. You never even offer to help. I get home from work not that long before you, so I’m tired, too.

Ken: (
weakly
) I’ve tried to help, but you don’t even like how I set the table.

Lucy: You call what you do setting the table? Dropping a napkin and fork near our chairs hardly qualifies. I have to go back and fold the napkin and put the fork on it. You do everything like that—halfway—and then I have to finish it up.

Ken: (
shrugs his shoulders
) No matter what I do, you’re not happy.

Lucy: I just wish you would do some things around the house unprompted by me; and
finish
what you start. How hard is that? But you don’t, and I end up having to do everything by myself—like the laundry and cleaning up and even planning our vacations. You say you love me, but I don’t feel it anymore. I just feel so alone in it all.

Ken: (
matter-of-fact manner
) Well, I promise to do a better job setting the table; and I’ll do more laundry, too.

Doesn’t sound very promising, does it? Interestingly, they both
think
they’re working on the relationship, but…

Like Lucy, you might get caught in this pattern, focusing on either wanting to feel connected or on feeling a lack of connection; sometimes both. And so you protest against your partner’s distance. Lucy does this by demanding attention and responsiveness. But her avoidant partner’s distance reinforces her sense of not being loved and her fear that she is not worthy of love. Desperate, she does all she can to fight for her relationship, including making many concessions to her partner, but also making frantic demands for more responsiveness from him. Their interactions make her feel lonely and reinforce her negative thinking about him and their relationship (for examples, see the table that follows). Steeped in her own emotions, she does not recognize his distress in response to her demands.

Or maybe you’re more like Ken. You might be a generally avoidant person, but feel anxiety as well. An avoidant person caught in this pattern focuses on wanting to keep an emotionally safe distance and to stonewall his partner’s anger or disapproval. Ken is more comfortable when he is independent and in a powerful—not vulnerable—position with Lucy. When she becomes upset, he tries to emotionally distance himself from her feelings and from his own fears of separation. He does this by thinking about her in a negative way (for examples, see the table). He also withdraws, turning more strongly to his inclination to be self-reliant. In doing this, he fails to recognize or understand Lucy’s bids for closeness, warmth, and reassurance; or how his lack of emotional expressiveness and lack of warmth make her feel painfully alone.

The most frequent long-term pattern for these couples is that both partners become more extreme in their positions. However, for many of them, there is eventually a flip in their roles. Over years, the avoidant person becomes more distant and hostile; and the anxious person becomes more upset and resorts to more intense protest behaviors, such as also being hostile or threatening to leave. But in between stormy times, the anxious person reflects on positive memories and feelings, leading her to reach out in a more positive, reconciliatory way. The avoidant partner, however, remains withdrawn and angry. Gradually, the anxious partner gives up trying. Often, in those couples that marry, the wife—who is likely the anxious partner—decides to leave after the children grow up and move out (though she doesn’t always wait that long). Taken unawares, the husband then sometimes desperately pursues her. Although complex, this is a very common scenario.

The pursuit-withdrawal dynamic goes especially wrong in some relationships, which end up being controlling and sometimes abusive. An anxious partner may resort to intimidation or aggression in order to get attention, reassurance, or love from an unresponsive and detached partner. Occasionally, it’s the avoidant partner who is aggressive, though this is more often passive aggression—expressed, for instance, in cold silence, rolling eyes, or other ways of being disrespectful. This behavior is the avoidant partner’s way of trying to get the anxious partner to back off.

Exercise: What Would a Fly on the Wall See in Your Home?

It can be very enlightening to pay attention to the patterns of communication in your relationship—especially those related to conflicts. Noting the feelings, thoughts, and actions of each partner can help to provide important insights. Consider the following example:

Jill
feels
hurt that Paul doesn’t spend time with her on the weekends and instead hangs out with his friends. She
thinks
he doesn’t care. She expresses this by crying and telling him he’s selfish. Paul
feels
attacked,
thinks
she is overreacting, and
reacts
by withdrawing. Jill
feels
hurt, and the cycle repeats.

With this in mind, think of a conflict that tends to repeat in your relationship. Now consider the following questions related to it. (Although these questions assume that you are the one initially upset, you can modify them to accommodate your partner initiating the conflict.)

As the conflict is going on…

FEELING: How are you feeling about what’s happening?

THOUGHT: What are you thinking about your partner?

ACTION: How do you express the problem?

FEELING: What do you imagine your partner is feeling on the receiving end?

THOUGHT: What do you imagine your partner is thinking about you?

ACTION: How does your partner respond?

Note how the interaction continues and how it finally ends (for instance, there is an explosion; or both of you withdraw). For the questions about your partner’s experience, it can be helpful to ask your partner what he was feeling and thinking—but only if you can talk about this productively with him. Otherwise, try empathizing with him to imagine his responses; or ask someone you trust for help.

Review Your Patterns

• How do you and your partner affect each other’s feelings and actions?
  
• What patterns do you notice?
  
• How does this interaction reinforce your beliefs about how worthy of love you are?
  
• How does this interaction reinforce your beliefs about how emotionally available your partner is?
  

At an appropriate, calm time, you might want to talk with your partner about this exercise, sharing the insights it’s given you. You might also ask your partner about how the interactions affect his sense of being worthy of love and his sense of how emotionally available you are.

There is a lot here to make sense of within yourself, as well as to try to work through with your partner. So this is an area that you might find helpful to spend some time reviewing. You might also find it helpful to think this through a bit now, then return to it again at a later time.

In this chapter, I have shown how your attachment style, self-verification, and the confirmation bias combine to keep you repeating old patterns. They distort your perceptions and support frequently counterproductive ways of viewing yourself and your partners (past, present, and future). That’s a lot to try to understand and really absorb. To fully get it, you need to spend some time turning it over in your mind. And you absolutely need to apply it to how you’ve lived your life, and continue to do so.

In the next chapter, I lay out more of the nitty-gritty about how it’s possible to know all of this information in an abstract and still be blind to your problematic ways of interacting in the world. This understanding can help open your eyes to ways you can break the pattern and establish happier, healthier relationships.

Chapter 4

Even when people are aware of their relationship patterns and are motivated to change, they often unconsciously undermine their attempts at self-improvement. For instance, Vito loved Miranda and knew that his intense (and unjustified) jealousy upset her. He worried that he would drive her away, so he committed himself to placing trust in her, especially after she yelled at him for snooping on her cell phone. One week later, though, he impulsively picked up Miranda’s phone to see if she had been texting other men. With her just in the next room, this behavior appeared blatantly self-destructive, but that was certainly not the intent. This happened only one day after he saw a former girlfriend happily holding the hand of a man at the mall. Though misguided and risky, his quick peek at Miranda’s phone was actually his attempt to
help
himself regain his sense of security.

As I’ve noted, people need a sense of security to function in daily life. The drive to find it is especially heightened when you are scared of losing your partner. This can trigger you to reexperience the same primal panic you might have felt as an infant, when every danger threatened your survival and you desperately searched for your parents to comfort and protect you. In other words, when you sense that your partner might not be there for you, you can feel—at a core level—
scared to death
. Or when you try to change in ways that conflict with your attachment style, which is designed to keep you safe, you are likely to instinctively return to your familiar attachment behaviors—even if those behaviors (like Vito’s) are counterproductive and fly in the face of your conscious commitment to “do better.” This way of understanding behavior is not always intuitive and can be confusing. So let’s take a closer look.