Justice (24 page)

As the eulogizers speak about the deed’s multitude of achievements, I scan the pews. More than a few mourners whisper to their friends, eyes on me the whole time. My hands start shaking, and I ball them into fists as I set them in my lap. It takes every ounce of self-restraint not to run out of this church. The guilt is suffocating. I can do this. I
will
do this for him.

Rev. Matthews concludes the service with a prayer about forgiveness, and the moment I can I leap up, excuse myself, and rush toward the door behind the altar. I know there’s an empty office. I shut the door, and take several deep breaths. I pace back and forth, wringing my hands to stop the shaking, trying and failing to expel the pent-up energy that’s about to explode out of me otherwise. Geoff steps in, but I tell him I need a minute. He listens, but I’m sure stays close. I keep pacing on those wobbly heels, now my whole body shaking while I try to catch my breath. I was doing so well. No tearful breakdowns or drinking binges, and now I’m a second away from a full-blown panic attack.

They all know. All of them in there know. How I feel about him, how I felt about her and God knows what they’re all thinking. Who knows how long it will be until he figures it out too? I can’t keep this up. The pretending. I almost wish Alkaline would just come in and kill me already. He—

There’s a knock on the door.
“
Jo?
”
Harry asks on the other side. He steps in, and I stop my crazy person routine.
“
I saw you run in here. Are you okay?
”

“
You know, I am
so
sick of people asking me that. ‘Am I okay?’ No. No, I am not okay. Not in any way am I okay. I am…exhausted. And pissed off. And scared out of my mind. All I want to do is take a few pills and fall into oblivion for a few months, and when I wake up I’ll find out this was all a dream. That my friend hasn’t shattered into a million pieces, that you don’t hate my guts, and that I’m not responsible for either.
”

“
Jo—
”

I start pacing again.
“
Everyone is just being so fucking nice. It’s driving me insane.
”
I can feel my blood pressure rising.
“
They just want to keep hugging me, and saying kind things to me. I can’t stand it. I can’t. Especially when I know it’s all fake. All those people in that room know who I am. What I’ve done. Then why won’t they just fucking say it? Once, just
once
I’d like someone to look me in the eye and say, ‘Joanna, this is your fault. You let him slip through your fingers twice. You challenged a cold-blooded murderer, and he just rose to that challenge. We know you didn’t mean it, but there it is. Their blood is on your hands.’ Just one person, instead of platitudes and—and—and fucking comfort I don’t deserve!
”

Harry doesn’t respond right away. He just keeps looking at the floor as I keep walking.
“
Okay,
”
he finally says as he takes a step toward me.
“
Speaking as head of the investigation, the strongest motive for the murders we have found is revenge.
”
I stop pacing.
“
We have surmised this due to the savagery inflicted on Dr. Thornton, the fact he used your name to check into the hotel where he stalked her, that he most likely summoned you to the prison that night, and the picture left at the scene. No other known connection to the victims has been found, so that leads us to conclude that you are at the center of this. We have examined the lives of the victims and Justin Pendergast, and none have had dealings with James Ryder or any of his known accomplices, and believe me we have looked.
”

“
See? I told you—
”

“
I’m not done talking, Joanna,
”
he says with another step my way,
“
so kindly
shut up
and let me finish.
”
He’s never spoken to me like that. I’m stunned into silence.
“
As I was saying, as best we can figure, this was retribution.
”
Suddenly, he takes my arm and pulls my ear toward his mouth.
“
But that still doesn’t make this your fault, Jo,
”
he says quietly.
“
He didn’t do this because you cared for her, which I know you did despite everything you said or did. He didn’t do this because you asked for it in anger a few times. And he didn’t do this as some divine punishment you feel you deserve. He did this because he’s insane, and cruel, and evil.
You
are none of those things. So stop torturing yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. It’s wasted energy.
”

He releases my arm.
“
And I don’t hate you,
”
he continues.
“
Am I pissed off you didn’t trust me? Hell, yes. Am I hurt? Damn straight. But I could never hate you. You try my patience, and you make me nuts sometimes, but you also make me laugh and make me feel good about myself. I like being around you. You’re beautiful, and strong, and fiercely loyal. I just don’t know why you can’t see that. That’s why you’re in love with a man who can’t love you back. You think that’s all you deserve—misery and heartache. You’ve built this damn wall around your heart, and I don’t know if I have the strength to bust it down. I don’t.
”
He shrugs.
“
You gotta help me here.
”

Before I can respond, there’s another knock on the door. Without permission, Justin steps in. Harry steps away and composes himself, but I have to take a deep breath and turn my back on the men.
“
I’m sorry,
”
Justin says,
“
am I interrupting something?
”

“
No,
”
I say, struggling to calm down.

Justin steps next to me, trying to read my face.
“
Are you okay?
”
I turn away, and his gaze whips back to Harry.
“
What’s going on?
”

“
Jo, you want to tell him?
”
Harry asks with an undercurrent of anger.

I open my mouth, but have no clue what to say. Each of them stares at me, waiting for an answer. I don’t know where to look.
“
I, um…we were just talking.
”

“
Were you harassing her?
”
Justin asks Harry.
“
I know what people are saying, but she—
”

“
Justin, we were just talking! Calm down!
”
I say.
“
Can we just get the hell out of here, please?
”
I pull Justin away before he makes things worse. Harry watches with a small scowl as we pass. I can’t leave like this. I turn back.
“
Thank you.
”

“
For what, Jo?
”
Harry asks, no longer hiding his anger.

“
Trying.
”

I walk away.

***

Only about twenty people are invited back to the mansion for the reception. The mourners stand around with their plates of food and stories. Since I’ve never been good at gatherings, big or small, even in the best of circumstances, I help Dobbs with the serving and clean-up. Keeping busy has gotten me this far. When I have time to think I’ll end up going crazy in a church.

About an hour into the reception, I notice Justin has vanished. The last time I saw him he was talking to one of the eulogizers, but she says he excused himself. I check the whole house, but he’s nowhere. Even the guards have lost track of him. There’s only one other place he could be.

He sits alone on the beach facing the ocean, barely moving. I tell Geoff to hang back by the stairs and walk over to him. He doesn’t turn around, doesn’t look at me even when I sit next to him. There are two bottles of Jack Daniels in the sand, one almost empty. In all our time, I’ve barely seen him finish a glass, let alone a whole bottle.

“
Hey,
”
I say.

“
Hey.
”
He picks up the bottle and finishes it off, tossing the empty glass into the surf.

“
Where’s Bryan?
”

“
I’m the boss. I told him if he followed me down here, I’d fire him. He believed me. You gonna give me shit for it?
”

“
Considering I got a lecture for making Geoff wait inside instead of outside when I was on the patio,
”
I pause and pretend to think hard about it,
“
um, yes. Yes, I am.
”
I punch his arm.
“
What are you thinking?
”

“
Ow. Don’t hit the bereaved. I just…had to get away from everyone and their good intentions.
”

“
Just you and Jack Daniels, huh?
”

“
You’re
going to lecture me on drinking? How many times have I held your hair while you puked?
”

“
Countless. And I’m not going to lecture you.
”

He opens the second bottle.
“
Good.
”
He takes a swig and holds it out to me.
“
Want some?
”

“
No, thanks.
”

“
The woman who drank my entire frat under the table is abstaining?
”

“
Yep. It makes me…horrible. But as an authority on the subject, I will tell you that if you take one more sip, I will probably have to take you to the hospital for alcohol poisoning where the entire staff will fawn over you and smother you with love. Is that what you really want, lots and lots of love from hot nurses?
”

He holds out his arms and touches his nose with each pointer finger.
“
I can recite the alphabet backwards too, Detective.
”
He picks up the bottle again and drinks.
“
I’m barely buzzed. Me and my freak metabolism. Can’t even drink myself into unconsciousness. I sure as hell am going to try though.
”

We just sit and watch the ocean crash for a minute while he chugs the whiskey. I can practically feel the anguish coming off his body. It seeps into me like an itch I can never scratch.
“
Do you remember that summer before you went to college? We tried to learn to surf?
”

He smiles after another swig.
“
Aunt Lucy hired that, I don’t know what the hell he was, a stoner, hippie Martian or something. What did he want us to call him?
”

“
Buddha Moon, but we just called him B.M.
”

“
Right,
”
Justin chuckles,
“
and before we could go into the ocean we had to thank mother Gaia and father Poseidon for creating the waves we were about to disturb.
”

“
Well, you did something to piss off Poseidon because he kicked your ass. I don’t think you ever were upright on that board.
”

“
I guess I’m not a water person.
”

“
Understatement of the damn year.
”
I tick his shoulder with mine.

“
What? Like you did much better. At least I didn’t laugh my ass off every time you fell like my best friend did.
”

“
I had just never seen you fail at anything. I was so overjoyed to find you were actually human.
”

“
That’s up for debate,
”
he mutters as he swigs. We’re silent for a few seconds, all the mirth gone again. I wait for him to speak.
“
I was going to teach Daisy to swim this summer. It was to be my first official act as her step-father. I even read a book on the correct approach.
”

My heart clenches.
“
She would have loved that. She adored you.
”

He shakes his head.
“
At first, I was so scared around her. What did I know about four-year-old girls? That lasted all of a second. It was like I looked at her and I knew. With both of them, I guess.
”

“
Knew what?
”

“
That they were for me. That I was supposed to love them. To care for them. To be there for them. That I’d lay down my life for them. Same thing happened when I saw you.
”
He pauses and chokes back a sob.
“
And I failed. I failed. Oh, fuck!
”
He leaps up, and then almost falls back down.
“
I have to get out of here,
”
he says as he stumbles away.

“
Justin, where are you going?
”
I ask as I follow.

The alcohol is working now as he can barely walk.
“
I—I don’t know. Not here. I can’t breathe here.
”

“
Okay, but I’m coming with you.
”

“
No! I need to be alone. Why do you even want to? You should stay away from me. I’m useless. It’s never enough. All I do and it’s never enough.
”
He’s talking to himself now. My best friend is drunk for the first time in his life.
“
Why do it? What’s the point?
”

I grab him by the arms. It’s worked on me.
“
Justin, stop it!
”

His face crumbles until he’s near tears.
“
I can’t go back up there.
”

I put his arm around my shoulder to help him walk.
“
You don’t have to.
”

We go up the stairs and sneak him around the side of the house to the garage. Getting upstairs for my purse and car keys is harder. Five people stop me to ask after Justin. The one person I tell the truth to is Lucy, who promises to cover for us. Justin is nursing the bottle by the Cobra convertible when I get back. Geoff steps in behind me.