Karlology (2 page)

TH
ERE’S A FAMOUS
Q
UO
T
E
that goes somethin
g
l
i
k
e
“
S
h
ow me t
h
e
b
o
y
at seven an
d
I’
ll
s
h
ow
y
ou
t
h
e
m
a
n”
.
Mr
s
M
athews, my infant school head teacher, t
h
ou
gh
t s
h
e cou
ld
d
o t
h
at,
b
ut s
h
e cou
ld
n’t. T
h
ou
gh
s
h
e might have been right if she’d said it about John Totton, the school midget, as I’m guessing he didn’t change his looks t
h
at muc
h
. “Kar
l
wi
ll
never
b
e a
h
ig
h
-
fl
ier” was w
h
at s
h
e sai
d
to me mam an
d
d
a
d
at m
y
fi
rst
p
arents’ evenin
g
.
S
ome
k
i
d
s wou
ld
ta
k
e t
h
at comment as a c
h
a
ll
en
g
e an
d
g
o on to try to prove her wrong, but my brain decided to deal with it by going on strike
.

I don’t think anyone in that school was gonna be a high-flier. The kids hated being there and so did the teachers. I put it down to the state of the school. I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say the Colosseum in Rome is in better condition than some of them classrooms were. The fact the school was knocked down in 1979 and the Colosseum is still standing is evidence of this.

The school was a right mess. It must have been built
o
n the cheap in the late 50s or early 60s. It was made from more woo
d
t
h
an
b
ric
k
an
d
was p
l
ace
d
in t
h
e mi
ddl
e o
f
a
b
i
g
fi
e
ld
, wit
h
t
h
e counci
l
estate w
h
ere I
g
rew u
p
on one si
d
e, an
d
a
b
i
g
c
h
emica
l
pl
ant an
d
swam
p
surroun
d
e
d
by
e
lectricity pylons (that gave off a constant loud buzz) on the other. I don’t know what sort of chemicals they were
k
noc
k
in
g
out at t
h
e
pl
ant,
b
ut in ever
y
assem
bly
we were to
ld
by
Mrs Mat
h
ews to sta
y
awa
y
f
rom t
h
e
fi
e
ld
’s
b
oun
d
a
r
ies. We never knew why this was so important until one morning when she brought out a pupil who’d got too close to t
h
e
b
oun
d
ary an
d
h
a
d
b
urnt
h
is
f
ace on t
h
e grass. To t
h
is
d
a
y
I
d
on’t
k
now w
h
at it was t
h
at cause
d
h
is
b
urns,
b
ut
f
or
y
ears I t
h
ou
gh
t t
h
at’s w
hy
t
h
ere were “
k
ee
p
o
ff
t
h
e
g
rass” signs in parks.

There was also a major problem with flies coming from t
h
e swam
p
. It
g
ot so
b
a
d
one
h
ot summer t
h
at our
h
om
e
w
or
k
was to come u
p
wit
h
wa
y
s to
k
ee
p
fl
ies out o
f
t
h
e classroom. I asked me dad for help. His advice was “put
a
buc
k
et
o
f
s
hi
t
in
t
h
e
co
rri
do
r”
.
H
e
t
h
e
n
to
l
d
m
e
h
o
w
a
mate o
f
h
is put an a
d
vert in t
h
e
l
oca
l
newspaper years ago
that read, “Guaranteed to get rid of unwanted flies. Works 100%. Sen
d
p
a
y
ment to receive
y
our
fly
k
i
ll
in
g
k
it NOW”.
P
eo
pl
e sent t
h
e
p
a
y
ment an
d
a
ll
h
e sent
b
ac
k
to t
h
em was a small block of wood and some instructions that read, “Place
fl
y on block of wood and hit with hammer. (Hammer not inc
l
u
d
e
d
.)” Me
d
a
d
sai
d
t
h
e
bl
o
k
e got away wit
h
it as it
d
i
d
w
or
k
i
f
y
ou cou
ld
g
et
h
o
ld
o
f
t
h
e
fly.

I
came u
p
wit
h
Se
ll
ota
p
e s
p
rin
kl
e
d
wit
h
su
g
ar. I
d
on’t
l
ike killing things, so this seemed like a nicer way for them to go as at least they’d have a nice meal before they died – a
b
it
l
i
k
e
p
risoners on
d
eat
h
row. Most
k
i
d
s
j
ust too
k
in cans
of
fly
s
p
ra
y
. I t
h
in
k
t
h
e c
l
ass o
f
’79 sin
gl
e-
h
an
d
e
dly
d
i
d
in the ozone layer with all them CFC gases. Like I say, I don’t think any pupils who went to that school learnt much from
b
eing t
h
ere,
b
ut may
b
e now,
d
ue to t
h
e c
h
emica
l
p
l
ant,
p
oisonous
g
rass an
d
inta
k
e o
f
fly
s
p
ra
y
, a
f
ew o
f
t
h
em now
h
ave su
p
er
p
owers.

For the few years I was there, I can’t recall seeing a care taker. That job was done by kids held back after school fo
r
b
ein
g
nau
gh
t
y
. Instea
d
o
f
d
oin
g
l
ines or rea
d
in
g
a
b
oo
k
, t
h
e
y
’
d
re-
p
utt
y
win
d
ows or ru
b
d
own an
d
p
aint
d
oor
f
rames. I was held back twice and told to weed the play ground. There were some jobs that kids weren’t qualified to
d
o –
l
i
k
e repairing
h
o
l
es in t
h
e roo
f
an
d
wa
ll
s – so t
h
ey
w
ere just left to get worse, which meant that some of the sc
h
oo
l
’s rooms cou
ld
on
ly
b
e use
d
in certain weat
h
er. I was at t
h
at sc
h
oo
l
f
or two or t
h
ree
y
ears
b
e
f
ore t
h
e
y
k
noc
k
e
d
it down, and apart from one hot summer I don’t think I ever took my coat off
.