Killing Honor (6 page)

I glanced down. I was still in my gear. Still dirty and bloodied from being too near my team when they were all shot. And I had my gun. What the hell. I was home. A quick perusal of the kitchen showed no one there. Or outside on the back porch. And it was quiet. Too quiet. Even for a dream. I raised my gun up and proceeded to the stairs.

Blood soaked the carpeted steps, so thick and crimson.

“Hello?”

No answer. This was my house. Why was the enemy here? Was it because they’d seen my face all those months ago? Had they returned for retribution? A lump stuck in my throat. Where was Devyn? Where were the girls? Were they safe? Were they upstairs? Panic seized hold of me, squeezing so tightly it was difficult to breathe.

Then through the silence, the piercing cry of a toddler reached my ears. Was that Riley or Jackie? Were they hurt? I raced up the stairs, the blood squelching and bubbling around the sole of my shoes. My breath echoed in the silence, and I wondered if the whole world could hear it.

I kept my gun parallel with the angle of the stairs, watching, waiting for something to jump out at me. At the top of the stairs, I heard a woman cry out, followed by babies giggling. And then more giggling.

What was going on here?

“Devyn?” I called out, though it probably wasn’t the smartest thing I’d ever done. Wasn’t this how horror movies went? Guy walks in, follows a weird trail of blood, finds his wife on the floor, and gets his head chopped off buy a creepy doll while he’s not looking. 

I shuddered. “Devyn!” My voice was louder this time. I was getting desperate. This was my house. And there was blood on the stairs. And there was no sign of my family.

I glanced up and down the hall the stairs opened out into. Nothing. And it was dark.

The strangled cry came again, this time from the bedroom. My bedroom.

Rushing down the hall, waiting for a silent moment before I threw open the door with my gun at the ready. That’s when I saw her. Devyn. My Devyn. My love. My wife. She wore a pastel blue sundress, but it was soaked with dark red blood. Her eyes were listless, vacant. Her slender fingers were covered in blood.

I fell to my knees beside her, not caring that her warm, sticky blood soaked through my uniform trousers. Rage and sorrow spun inside my heart, squeezing it so tight, it was sure to pop. I pulled her into my arms, my hands sliding along her slippery skin.

“Devyn!” My voice cracked midway through her name. I tried to pull her into my arms. Her head lolled back, lifeless, limp. Tears built behind my eyelids, blurring my vision. She couldn’t be dead. Not my Devyn. She wasn’t even supposed to be there. I wasn’t supposed to be there.

“Devyn!” I screamed it at her again and again, but nothing happened. She didn’t wake up.

I sobbed, like a fucking baby, touching my forehead to hers, my thumbs on her cheeks and my fingers tangled in her once brilliant auburn tresses. Her name left my lips over and over, and still she didn’t move. She wouldn’t ever move.

The click of the safety moving caught my ear. Where was my gun? I’d had it beside me. I never set it down out of my sight. Yet, it had vanished. I turned my head, and there was Riley. With impossible strength for a toddler, she held my gun in her tiny hands. The gun was as big as she was. Her face was as vacant as Devyn’s when she leveled it at me.

“Riley?” I set Devyn down and reached for my daughter. Her mouth opened in a wail that made my ears hurt and then she fired that gun. Light exploded around me, and then there was darkness.

Brody

I shot up in my bed, my body quaking and a layer of cold sweat coating my skin. I gasped for breath. My entire body ached with the strain of tensed muscles.

A fucking dream.

“Brody?” Devyn’s sleepy voice relieved me more than I thought possible. I whirled around, cupping her face when she sat up. “What’s wrong?”

I scanned her face, checking every little feature for any kind of injury. She was here. She was alive. Her warmth filled my hands, which were freezing against her skin. I ran my hands down her neck, across her shoulders and down her arms. I needed to know she was okay. “You’re here. You’re okay.” The words were more for me than her.

“Yes, I’m fine.” Her brow furrowed. She worried her lower lip between her teeth. Her eyes scanned me, carefully. 

I’d been prepared for nightmares, but this… this was worse than I’d ever thought dreams could be. Seeing my wife dead and bloody? My two-year-old daughter holding a gun that was bigger than she was? It was too much.

I shuddered out a breath. I was too hot now, even though I’d woken up cold. I tossed off the comforter and got out of bed.

“Brody… Are you okay?” Her voice was unsure and quiet.

I scrubbed my hand down my face. “I’m okay. It was… it was a bad dream. That’s all. I’m okay.”

“You’re not okay. You’re shaking.”

Was I? I glanced down at my hands, the tremble impossible to hide. I swallowed, my throat aching and dry. “I’ll be okay. I’m just… gonna get a drink.”

“Want me to come with?”

I shook his head. “No. You should get some sleep. Kids will be up early. I’m just going to get a drink, and I’ll be back, okay?”

She nodded, but she didn’t look so sure. I’d worried her again. I didn’t blame her. I was feeling a little batshit crazy.

“Seriously, Devyn. I’m okay.” I walked back to her side and sat down on the edge of the bed. I cupped her cheek, the ghosts of her life’s blood beneath my fingertips. I blinked away the image. It wasn’t real. She was there. She was alive. She was safe. Her skin was still warm, smooth.

I gave her a chaste kiss on the lips. “Sleep, sweetness.”

“You’d tell me if you weren’t okay, right?” She laid back against the pillow. Her eyes were intense, and focused on me. I was left on the spot, so isolated.

I nodded, but I didn’t have the strength or the words to reply. She didn’t look completely convinced. She curled up on her side, her eyes still boring into me. I leaned over and kissed her cheek. “I’ll be back in a bit.”

Getting up, I focused on reaching the door, my knees still shaky from the nightmare. I hoped I didn’t look like I was shaky, or Devyn would be on my ass in a hot second for lying to her. I just didn’t want to worry her.

I shut the door quietly behind me and silently stepped down the stairs, trying to ignore the remnants of blood from my memory. But no matter what, it wouldn’t leave me. I was barefoot, and there was no blood on the stairs, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Panic turned my stomach over. It had been too real.

But Devyn was alive. She was safe. The girls were asleep. They were safe and warm. My team was at home, alive. I was not alone.

Except I was.

If anything in that dream ever came true, I’d never forgive myself. Not ever.

I grabbed a glass from the cupboard, and stuck it under the water dispenser on the fridge until it was full. I drank the entire thing in one long gulp and then filled it again. The panic seized my gut. Flashes of dream me as I’d come into the house hit me like a snow shovel. I sunk down to the couch putting the cup on the end table. Burying my head into my hands, my body began to shake again, my chest tight and constricted. I breathed through it, counting silently through each breath until the constriction passed and I dragged in a deep breath again. The shaking was the last thing to go, and I wasn’t sure how long I’d stayed there before it stopped.

Panic attacks. Nightmares. The guys said it happened sometimes. Some of the older guys said it never stopped. That after every mission, they got the dreams. Being a SEAL was all I’d wanted growing up.

Oak Creek left a boy with nothing to do but shoot things and get drunk. The Navy offered me that same opportunity, and a chance to get out of Oak Creek. 

But I was seriously second guessing that SEAL assignment now, even after spending two years of training to get there. It was crazy. I’d spent months getting ready for boot camp and BUD/S. I’d pushed myself through training, never ringing that damn bell. I’d been so focused on the goal. Devyn had supported that goal, and I’d put a ring on her finger when I’d shipped out.

I let out a shuddered breath. I’d dragged her into a world of fear and hatred and she had no idea. Someone out there knew my face. The woman. Or the other men who’d escaped. What if there had been cameras that weren’t destroyed?

Was that why I was having the dream? Because I was worried about the crazy I’s inflicted on my family. It had felt so much like reality, even in its ridiculousness. And now here I was, afraid to go back to bed, afraid to touch my wife in fear that I might inadvertently kill her.

God… I was a fucking mess.

~*~*~

Devyn

Morning came, with the space beside me cold and bare. Brody hadn’t come back last night. I wasn’t sure how to take that. He’d woken up screaming, and then told me nothing was wrong, yet he couldn’t even look at me.

It wasn’t right.
He
wasn’t right. I hated this.

I laid there, unsure if I should move yet. I glanced at the clock. Five thirty. The twins would be up soon, if they weren’t already. Sometimes, they were content to sit in their cribs for an hour or so before they wanted out.

But today, I didn’t hear anything.

After a few minutes of silence, I decided to get up. I headed toward the girls’ room, but found it empty and the sound of child laughter drifted up the stairwell. Curious, I padded down the stairs to the living room, but there was no one in there either. The voices I heard were in the kitchen.

I stuck my head in, wrapping my robe tightly around myself as I came in. The sight there completely blew me away.

Brody sat at the table, with the girls strapped into their high chairs. Jackie flew a piece of cereal around, giggling to herself while Brody played some takeaway game with Riley to persuade her to eat rather than dump her food everywhere. From the looks of it, he’d only been partially successful.

I watched them from the doorway for a moment. This was what I’d dreamed of for the last two years. To see my husband spending time with his children, to watch him bond with his girls. I choked up at the sight of them, letting out a strangled sob I didn’t want to let loose.

Brody looked up at the sound, and the smile on his face fell. “Devyn… I didn’t… Are you okay?”

I nodded. “Yes. It’s just… I’ve never seen this before. I thought about it a lot. You. Them. Us.” Tears flooded my eyes, and I fought them with everything I could to keep them from falling. “It’s beautiful.”

He stared at me with such intensity, I wondered if he was mad. And then as quickly as the intensity came, it was gone. “I didn’t sleep much last night, so I was awake when they woke up. I thought… it might be nice to hang out with them.”

“Da da da da da da!” Jackie yelled. She liked the sound apparently, because she did it some more in various volumes from soft to loud. And he was completely oblivious to any one else in the room.

“You had a nightmare.”

Brody didn’t say anything. My guess was that he didn’t want to talk about it. Hell, he could barely look at me this morning. His focus was on the girls, feeding Riley one piece at a time. By the amount of cereal on the floor, I’d guessed that he’d discovered Riley’s favorite pastime.

“Want to talk about it?” I asked. Maybe a push might help. “The dream.”

“No.”

Denied.

“Oookay,” I replied. I went to the coffee pot and opened the cabinet above it. I got my favorite mug out and filled it with coffee, leaving room for milk and sugar. I stirred the liquid as I came back to the table and sat in the seat across from Brody. “So, what’s the plan for today?”

“I don’t know. I don’t need to be at the base until Monday.”

“You don’t have leave?” I tried not to let my disappointment through. I’d been hoping I’d be able to usurp more time with him before I had to give him back to the Navy.

“No,” he answered. “We’re in the middle of a big mission. We have to keep going until it’s done.”

“Oh,” I replied. “I see.”

Now he glanced at me, his intense gaze just warming me. “It’s not another deployment. But it’s important for me to be there.”

Silence between us reigned as he continued to feed Riley. Jackie continued with her “da da” sounds and mixed them with muted airplane noises.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Okay.” I didn’t know what else to say to him. I couldn’t tell him no. It wasn’t my place, and likely, it wouldn’t do any good anyhow.

“I’m gonna go get dressed.” Brody stood up and walked out of the room.  I watched him leave, wondering if it was something I did that made him leave, that upset him. He’d barely been able to look at me. I let out a long sigh and moved over to the seat that Brody had vacated to finish feeding the girls. This homecoming wasn’t anything like I’d hoped.