Read Learning to Fly Online

Authors: Misha Elliott

Learning to Fly (14 page)

BOOK: Learning to Fly
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Honey, take it easy.”  Mom’s words soothe the uproar inside of me.  “What’s going on?  Are you okay?”  I open my mouth and nothing comes out. When we make the turn into our driveway, I remember all the times Alex brought me home. 

Dad opens my car door and offers to help me inside.  “Do you want me to make you a cup of tea?”  Mom offers. 

“No thanks, I think I want to be alone.”  I say and walk to my room.

The first thing I do, even before I take off my graduation gown is to pick up everything Alex has ever given me and load them into a laundry basket.

I carry the basket full of the items out back and set it down on the concrete slab next to the fire pit.I slide the screen off to the side and drop them into the center of the pit.  I replace the screen, squirt in some lighter fluid, and strike the match.  I watch the fire consume everything that was so special to me. 

I feel numb and stay still as the thick smoke blows over me.  “Sophie what are you doing out here?” Dad’s voice sounds distant.  That was the last thing I remember before waking up in my bed.  I open my eyes and begin to cry all over again.

“Oh, it’s OK, my sweet baby; just let it all out.” She speaks softly and strokes my hair.I lie there cradled in my mother’s arms, as I had wished she would do for so many years.

“Why, Mom? What’s so wrong with me, that I can’t make anybody love me? “I ask through jagged sobs.

“Why would you say that; nothing is wrong with you?” 

“Alex doesn’t love me anymore and you don’t love me, not really.  I’m just the big mistake that you’ve been stuck with for last 18 years,” I say.

“You, my dear, are the first thing I ever did right in my life.  I was so busy searching for my happiness, that I neglected yours.  I never meant to hurt you Sophie, can you ever forgive me?”  My mom is crying and I can tell the words and tears are coming from her heart.

“Baby girl, let me tell you something it took me years to finally learn.”  I roll over to look up at her.  “It’s not always about you.  You have to be the person you want to be. Don’t change for a man. The man that truly deserves you will be happy with you just the way you are.  All those little things about yourself that you hate or think make you different from other girls are the same qualities that will endear him to you.”  She smiles and kisses my wet cheek.

Alex was the first boy to say those three special words to me and they made me happier than I have ever been. It only took three different words to crush me completely. I only have myself to blame for what has happened.  I should have never let him into my life.

I see Alex’s name in the notifications I decide to read the text:

A: Sophie please don’t do this.  It doesn’t have to end like this.  We can still talk and stay in each other’s lives.  I don’t want you out of my life.

I see I have a voicemail, too and I hit play just to hear his voice. 

“Sophie Ann Pennington, I’m outside your door, too scared to knock. I want to say I was wrong about what I said.  I told you I’m not good with words. I don’t know what to do. I am so confused.  I never imagined that I could have anything in my life except football. I have had tunnel vision for all these years, until you came along.  I wrote you a poem once and want you to hear those words again.

Let me fly you to a world high above the skies,

To swim in deep blue oceans that in her beauty lies

A place where love and flowers bloom in all their majesty

The treasures of my heart are yours; say yes, come fly with me.

I understand if you don’t want to do this today, but please let me do this one thing for my dad; the rest of my life will be mine to live.  I would give anything for you to give us another chance.  I also left something for you in your mailbox.  I hope you get it.  Goodbye, Sophie.”

I go out to the mailbox and get the envelope; it feels like a card is inside.  When I’m back inside the security of my room, I can’t open it.  I’m not ready to hear anything else he has to say to me.  I shove it into my Jane Austen book and put it back on the bookshelf.

I need to do something for myself, a permanent reminder of the pain that comes from not being true to me.The next day I go to the local tattoo shop and across the base of my neck, I have the words: The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow tattooed with a broken wing underneath the words.

After that, I keep myself locked away in my room.  It isn’t a matter of not going out because I am afraid of seeing Alex. I simply didn’t want to see anyone or anything that would make me remember. 

 

 

Chapter Fourteen

 

I can’t get over him.  He was my first love; the first guy to ever tell me he loved me.  Did he even mean it?  How can he be done with me completely, when he still has my heart?  I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I couldn’t help myself.  I spend the beginning of my big summer as the Facebook stalker.  I read all the updates from my friends and look at Alex.

 

This is the only thing left of us and I hold onto it like a life preserver.  Alex immediately fills his free time attending parties.  I scroll through tons of pictures of him, with lots of different girls, at parties.  Sometimes, he has a drink in his hand or he is making out with one of the girls.  Somehow it made me feel better to know he isn’t happily ever after with Katie.

I close out the app on my phone and head to the kitchen, counting.  It’s been 15 days since we broke up, or 360 hours, I’ve spent without him.  I only hated him for two of those hours.

 

I return to the land of the living just in time to pack for Brown. I received an offer to move into my dorm room early and I think it might be a good change for me.

I wish Heidi was going with me to Brown, but she was offered an opportunity to study abroad for one year.  She would have to be out of her mind not to take it. I carry out the last box from my room.  “Here, let me take that.”  Dad grabs the box and places in the back with the others. 

I look back at the house one more time.  I have some pretty good memories here.
“Let’s go, we have a long drive ahead of us.”

“Coming Dad.”  I toss my bag on the floor of the back seat.  There is just enough room in the back for me sit down.  A pile of boxes are stacked snugly beside me. 

 

When we finally arrive at Brown, I can’t wait to get out of the car and start my new life.

“Do you have everything you need?”  My mom asks me for the thousandth time. 

“Angie, sweetie, I think Sophie has more than enough stuff to fill two more dorm rooms besides hers.” Dad says and kisses mom on the cheek. 

“Alright kiddo, we’re going to head out and let you get settled in.  Here’s a card to use for emergencies.”  Dad says and hands me a credit card with my name.

  “Well, if you need anything, be sure to call us.  I’m going to miss you,” Mom rambles surprising me.

“I’m going to miss you guys, too, and I love you both so much.”  I walk them to the door and give them each of them one more goodbye hug. I sit on my bed and wait for my roommate to make an appearance.

I lay back, turn on my iPad, and start to read.

“Sophie.” I jump. “I didn’t mean to startle you. Are you alright?”

“Yes, I was reading and must’ve fallen asleep.  What did you say your name was?”  I ask. 

“Oh, I’m Rachel.” She drops the bag in her hand to shake mine. 

“Nice to meet you,” I say. I watch as she fumbles with her bags and a large box. 

“Are you hungry?”  Rachel asks as she opens the box.

“My mother made each one of my favorites and sent them with me. There’s no way I can eat all of this.”  She makes me a plate with lasagna, pasta salad, and peach cobbler. 

“Thanks, this is delicious.” I say and take another bite of the perfectly baked cheesy lasagna. 

Rachel is a really nice girl and I enjoy the time we spend together.  She works part time and chose a later class schedule, leaving me alone most of the time. I am finally grown, on my own, and I wish I could go back in time. Instead of the joy of being in my first semester of college, all I can feel is the knot inside my stomach. I feel alone, hopeless, and broken hearted.  I make the decision to isolate myself from the social scene online and on campus.  I will go back to being the old Sophie, the one who studies, makes plans for her life, and doesn’t have time for men. 

It’s funny how quickly things can change. The transition to college is hard enough without complicating it with a long distance relationship all the online articles say. 

My phone rings and it’s my mom doing her weekly check in.

“Hey, Mom.” 

“Hey, honey, how are you doing?”  I can hear worry and concern for me through the phone lines.  “I’m good; classes are keeping me really busy.”  I lie because I can’t tell her the truth.  College sucks.  I hate it and can’t wait for each day to be over.  My mind keeps going back to Alex and I wonder if I was wrong by not choosing Penn

“I’m so glad to hear that,” she says. “We miss you, Sophia. It’s hard, knowing that you are so grown up.  I’ve been seeing a Doctor, Sophie.  I want to apologize to you for so much, I should have been a better mother.  I wish you would come home every weekend, but I understand that would be too hard on you.” 

I appreciate her being sweet.  I don’t have to be home to think of the high I had ridden senior year, with him by my side. But it’s gone now and I think I finally understand how mom felt each time a relationship ended.

“Are you eating and taking care of yourself?”  I don’t want her to worry needlessly, so I tell her another lie. 

“Yep my roommate’s mom sends food all the time and I have to get to sleep early to make it on time for class.”  I’m glad she can’t see me; I barely sleep and have lost weight because I don’t feel like eating.  The only things I feel are the sickening knot that churns inside my stomach and total hopelessness. 

“That makes me happy, knowing you have made a friend already.  I don’t like the thought of you not having someone.”  We say goodbye and I shove my phone back in my pocket. The world as I knew it came crashing down at my feet; it left me broken hearted and alone. 

The big rival game with Penn is coming up and it seems to be the only topic for conversation.  “So are you going to the game this weekend?” Rachel asked me. 

I turn at my desk to look at her.  “No, I am not a fan of football.  I have some studying I need to get done,” I say in monotone.

“Come on! This is going to be an awesome blood bath. Penn is our biggest rival,” she says excitedly, “Plus everyone says the new quarterback is a hottie.” She says fanning herself. 

“I hate to disappoint you, but I plan on spending the weekend right here.” I point to the stack of books on my desk.

I sit and study for another hour before I get up to head to my first class. I am just another nameless face in the ocean of students, or so I think.  Alex is at Penn and when everyone starts talking about the rival team and their quarterback, it seems everyone has learned of my connection to Alex. The week before the game, I have several invitations to hook up, and two guys ask me out on dates.

 

I walk into the Physics room and the seat I normally sat in is occupied. 

“Hello, Sophie.”  In my seat sits a boy with skin that looked like it has been kissed by the sun. 

“That’s my seat.” I say, gesturing to the chair. 

“Well, Sophie, I will make a deal with you.  You promise to go to dinner with me tonight and I will give you your seat back.” I scowl at the suggestion.

  “How about you keep sitting in my seat and I go find another?” I move away and take an empty seat two rows back.

I have trouble concentrating in class and he keeps turning around to look at me; it makes me nervous.  I didn’t know what is worse, having him look at me, or the weird way it makes me feel.  When the class is over, I hurry out before anyone, meaning the brown-eyed boy with sun kissed skin, can engage me in conversation.

Things get worse on Friday. The tall redhead from my Humanities class walks towards me like a woman on a mission. “Hey, you’re Sophie right?” I couldn’t stand the singsong way she spoke.

“Yes, I am.”

“I have to know is it true, you used to date Zander?” She asks and looks at her friend, who holds up a picture of us from one of his games. 

“Yep, that’s me.” Instead of letting them see my hurt, I own it. 

“I knew it! OMG, I knew it.” She looks back at the short brunette who is seldom missing from her side. “Tiffany, I was right, I said the other day in class, that you had to be Sophie, and OMG, it‘s you.” 

I pull my phone out from my pocket, fiddling with it as if I have an important message.  “I have to go; I’m late meeting friends.” I move past Tiffany and her mini me and head down the hall to my next class. 

“Wait, we’ll walk with.”  I let out a sigh when Tiffany reaches my side.  “So since we’re buds and all, I was wondering if you could introduce me. Brown plays his team this weekend.” I look at the excited look on her face and I feel confused as to why she would enlist my help. 

“I can’t help with that, I won’t be at the game, sorry.” I don’t know what is worse, guys asking me out because I was with Alex or girls wanting to be my friend in hopes of getting close to Alex.

I am in a hurry to get outside and eat my lunch. I thought you used to date Zander.
The words replay in my head and suddenly, I can’t finish my sandwich.  I pull my hat down over my eyes and close them.  Instead of sun, I feel a shadow over me. Maybe if I just keep still, it will go away.  No such luck; whoever it is; they’re still standing in front of me.  If he’s another guy, asking me out because they assume things about me based on my ex’s reputation, he is going to find himself on his knees clutching his balls.  I tilt my head up and see the guy from Physics again. “Um, my name is Aaron,” he says.

“Good for you,” I answer and resume the quiet position I was in. 

“I noticed you sitting here and wasn’t sure if I told you my name earlier,” he says and I keep my eyes down on my iPod.

“Did you also notice the ‘do not disturb’ sign I have taped to my forehead?”  I give him a deadpan look as he sits down beside me.

“You listening to music, Sophie?”  He asks. 

“What a guess, captain obvious,” I say to him.  I’m clearly sitting here in front of him listening to music. 

I find Alex’s song and hit repeat.  I press the bar on my earphones and raise the volume.  The bass of the song is vibrating in my ears and I successfully tune him out. 

He kneels beside me, tugs on the cord, and my left ear bud pops out of my ear.  He puts it in his left ear and makes a face like he is concentrating very hard on something.

“No wonder you’re always in a pissy mood, listening to hard rock like that. You need to listen to sweet songs that speak of love.” I shrug in response, and can’t help to laughing to myself. When Alex and I were together, I thought the same and hated listening to this band.  Now that we are no longer a couple, I find myself listening to them daily, it’s my last connection to Alex.  “And what are you, the campus music police?”

“Something like that.”  Alex pulls the cord from my iPod and places it in his.  He fiddles with the buttons on the screen and I watch him hit the triangle to play a song.  It was a simple melody sung by a guy and a girl, accompanied by a guitar.  The words and the melody make me feel happy and content.  I don’t realize it but the song makes me smile. “That’s better.” He unplugs the cord and hands it back. 

“Who was that?” I really want to add their music to my playlist. 

“No so fast, will you be here tomorrow?” He says with a devilish grin. 

“I each my lunch here every day.” I reply and hold up other half of my sandwich. 

“Ok, it’s a date, then.  You bring an extra sandwich and I’ll bring the tunes.”
He tugs the cord and the ear bud flops out of my ear. 

“See you tomorrow, Sophie.” He runs back towards the main wing of the campus.  Wait, what did I just agree to?

 

I‘m exhausted after my classes and all I want to do is crawl into bed when I get to my dorm.  “It’s about time.”  Rachel is sitting on her bed cleaning her flute.

  “What do you mean?  I just finished my classes.” 

“So, did you happen to hang out with Aaron today?” She asks and cocks a brow at me. 

“Yes, he’s in one of my classes and tracked me down, interrupting my lunch.” I narrow my eyes and look at her suspiciously.  “How do you know about Aaron?”

“Well, he’s a music major like me, and he asked me your name and if I knew if you were seeing anyone.  He’s quite the little hottie, isn’t he?”  She asks with a laugh.

“I wouldn’t go that far.  I will say that he is annoying and persistent.”  For some reason, he has gotten under my skin.

 

The next day at lunch, he is at the tree before me. “You beat me here.” I sit down beside him and pull two ham sandwiches out of my bag. 

“Thanks for the sandwich.” He gives me a smile and puts the sandwich down on his lap.  “Sophie, yesterday I introduced you the Civil Wars, today I will play my favorites for you.” When he reaches to take the ear bud from my ear, I feel a chill when his fingers brush against my cheek.
The first song is called ‘On the Tip of My Tongue’, then he plays ‘To Whom It May Concern’. “Should I play another one?” He asks and I nod my head.  The next song, I swear, was written for me.

I’m overwrought with emotion, lean my head down on his shoulder, and we stay still frozen in the moment. I let the music soothe the ache in my heart.  When the tears start to fall, he does the most amazing thing; he simply puts his arm around me and holds me close.

BOOK: Learning to Fly
12.34Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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