Learning to Live Again (5 page)

“Austin, it wasn’t like that
,” Trevor tried to explain.

“Fuck.” Austin rubbed his hands over his face. “I can’t do this right now.” He turned and walked back toward the condo.

“Austin, don’t do this, man!” Trevor hollered, but Austin barely heard him over his own thoughts.

“What the heck is going on back there?” Talia asked as they watched the guys surround Austin. It appeared they were having a heated discussion, but Rachel couldn’t hear what was being said.

The girls walked toward the guys
, but when Austin looked up at Rachel and then shook his head and said, “I can’t do this right now,” Rachel stopped. It was obvious that it had something to do with her, and she had a feeling she knew what it was about.

“What happened?” Chelsea asked Nick.

“I fucked up.” Nick looked at Rachel, and she knew he must have said something. “Rachel, I didn’t mean to say anything. We were just commenting about how great you look, and before I knew it, I said the “C” word, and fuck, Austin just kinda freaked out. I’m so sorry.” Nick wrapped Rachel in his arms.

“Its okay, Nick. I just didn’t want anyone to treat me differently, you know?” Rachel shrugged her shoulders, holding back the tears that threatened to escape. “I guess it doesn’t matter now.”

It didn’t matter if Austin would treat her different now. He obviously didn’t want to deal with her at all anymore.

Rachel shook her head and shrugged. “Come on, we have a mountain waiting for us.” She turned and started walking. She glanced back and saw that everyone else was following. She was determined to make this a fun day.

The cool wind blew across Rachel’s face as she and Talia rode the lift to the top of the mountain. Her first couple runs on the bunny hill went perfectly, and she could feel her confidence returning. No one else had mentioned what had taken place on the walk over, and she was fine with that. It was hard for Rachel to put it out of her mind, but she refused to let someone bring her down. Like it or not, cancer was as much a part of her life as anything else, and if Austin didn’t like that, well then, he could just screw off.

“I need to tell you something
,” Talia spoke softly and then turned to look at Rachel. The way she looked slightly unsure was very unusual for Talia. It didn’t sit right with Rachel.

“Did Austin tell you anything about our families?”

“No.” Rachel thought about it and realized they hadn’t really talked about much at all.

“Well, Austin had a younger sister, Angie.” Talia paused. “She was four years younger than him, three years younger than me.
When she was a junior in high school, she was diagnosed with leukemia.” Rachel gasped. She didn’t know where Talia was headed with this, but her stomach tightened in preparation for what would come next.

“
Her cancer was fairly aggressive, and although she put up one hell of a fight, she died nine months after her diagnosis. Austin was in college, and I was still in nursing school. Well, you can imagine that Austin took it pretty hard. He wasn’t a match for a bone marrow transplant, and he felt so hopeless. It hit our families pretty hard when we lost Angie, and Austin retreated into himself a lot. He has always been driven, but now he throws his entire self into things that he can control—like his work. It has been nice to see him these last few days because he has been quite smitten with you, and I think you have felt the same, right?” Talia smiled at Rachel, and Rachel nodded. She had only known Austin for a few days, but she was already pretty tangled up in him.

“Well, we all tried to respect your wishes by not mentioning your cancer to him, but I think when Nick let it slip, it hit Austin like a punch to the gut. Imagine
if he was the first person you had allowed yourself to get close to in years, and then come to find out you might lose him, too.”

Rachel shook her head. “I get it, but
it’s not the same. I’m done with my treatment. Currently, there is no sign of cancer in my body. As of right now, I won the battle,” Rachel stressed.

“I know that, and so does everyone else, but by keeping this all from Austin, he doesn’t know that. He just heard ‘cancer
,’ and he associates it with death,” Talia explained.

“Shit
,” Rachel whispered.

“Yeah.” Talia smiled. “
Come on, let’s just enjoy ourselves today. You can decide what to do about Austin when we get back.”

“Thanks for sharing that with me, Talia
,” Rachel said before they exited the lift.

Rachel spent the rest of the day gliding down the mountain like she’d done it all her life. Once she got started again, she just let go, taking in the beauty of her surroundings and the feel of the wind blowing across her face.

Nick and Chelsea were snowboarding, but the rest of them skied. For the most part, they all stayed together, laughing at Nick’s antics, especially when he ended up on his face trying to impress Chelsea, like he hadn’t already won her heart.

Tom was simply amazing in the way that he took to the mountain like he had been born without one leg.
Watching him was something to behold. He looked as if he was floating on top of the snow. Effortless.

It didn’t take long for Talia and Nick to start up
a verbal war, and it was freaking hilarious to watch. They had all just stopped at the bottom of the mountain, trying to decide if they were done for the day or if they should take one more run.

“Nick, for God’s sake, pull up your freaking pants. Your scrawny ass is just about hanging out.” Talia pulled on Nick’s baggy snowboarding pants. Rachel thought he looked fine, but they did seem to be hanging a bit more a
fter all the times he went down on his butt.

“You should talk. Camel toe is not an accessory
, my friend. Leave
that
pet at home.” Nick fell backward trying to get out of Talia’s reach, tripping over his snowboard.

“Don’t hide your flaws by looking for mine, asshole
,” Talia told Nick, but there was no fire in her words. It was hard to look mad when you were cracking up. “And I
don’t
have a camel toe.”

“You look perfect, honey.” Tom pulled Talia to him, planting a huge kiss on her as he slid his hands over her flawless backside. She wore her ski pants like a second skin, and even Rachel could admit she looked incredible.

Chelsea helped Nick up, brushing off his backside in the process. Trevor and Rachel stood there watching them all, shaking their heads. “Can’t you ever behave?” Trevor asked both of them.

“I can behave … I just choose not to.” Nick winked.

“Come on, let’s call it a day,” Trevor said, making the decision, leading the tired group back to the condo.

“Shit!” Austin kicked the door to the condo shut, dropping his ski gear in the entryway before heading to the living room. He needed to get his head on straight and decide what he wanted to do. Part of him wanted to just pack his things and head back to the city, lose himself in his work again, but there was another part that felt compelled to stay.

Austin sat on the couch and rested his head in his hands.
He knew he hadn’t handled that situation in the best way, but it all happened so quickly and rattled him to the core. The thought of Rachel having cancer brought back so many painful memories for him, and to be honest, Austin wasn’t sure he could go through that again.

A warm hand on his shoulder startled Austin. Without looking up, he realized it must be Ava. He’d forgotten she would be there since she hadn’t gone skiing with everyone. “Do you want to tell
me what that poor door did to deserve that kick?” Ava sat next to Austin, nudging him as she did.

When Austin looked up, Ava smiled softly
, almost like she knew exactly what happened. Austin had known Ava for a long time, basically from the time she and Talia had become friends. He took in a deep breath and slowly let it out. “Why didn’t you guys say something? Why didn’t anyone tell me about Rachel?” He hated how small his voice sounded.

“Oh, honey.” Ava placed her arm across Austin’s shoulders. “Rachel asked us not to say anything. You have to understand, she has lived nothing but cancer and treatments for the last year. She just wanted a time where nobody treated her differently.”

“Fuck, Ava. I don’t know if I can do this.” Austin sighed.

“Do you like her?”

“Of course. Way too much for the short time we’ve known each other.”

“Well, I guess you need to decide if pursuing a relationship with Rachel is worth the risk.” Ava shrugged
.

“This whole situation
…” Austin swallowed a sob. “Angie ...” He put his head in his hands and cried. He felt like an idiot for losing it in front of Ava, but she just sat there and rubbed small circles on his back, giving him time to get it all out. “I can’t fall in love with someone who could die,” Austin whispered more to himself than to Ava as he wiped his hand across his eyes.

“
Oh, Austin.” Ava sighed. “What did Rachel say after you found out?”

Austin shook his head. “I didn’t give anyone a chance, I just walked away.”

Ava took his hand and squeezed. “I think it is important to remember that you aren’t the only one who is vulnerable in this situation.”

Austin nodded. “I know.”

“Honey, losing Angie was devastating. God, she shone so bright, and her being gone is going to leave a void, but you did everything you could to try to keep her here longer. It was out of your control, Austin, but this isn't, and if you care for Rachel like you say you do, you need to sit down and talk to her.”

“Somewhere along the
way the real you—the vibrant, happy man—took a vacation. It’s time to find your way back. You can't keep hiding behind your work, Austin. It's time for you to learn to live again, for both of you.” Ava stood up and kissed him on the head.

Austin sat there for several more minutes before he went to his room and
lay down. He had a lot to think about, and he was emotionally exhausted.

When he woke, he realized he’d been asleep for hours. Obviously he had needed it. Austin could hear voices in the living room, so he decided to get up and see what was going on. He needed to apologize for running away.

Talia was the first one to see Austin as he entered the great room. “Hey,” she said softly as she pulled him into a hug. “You okay?”

“I think so. Shit, Talia … I’m
so sorry I walked away like that.” Austin looked around and saw someone was missing. “Where is Rachel?”

“She’s okay. She just went for a walk through the village.”
Talia squeezed his arm as Trevor walked over to him.

Austin prepared himself for big brother’s wrath, but
Trevor just put his arm around Austin and pulled him into a sideways hug. “Talia told me about your sister. I’m so sorry.” Trevor swallowed hard before continuing. “I can’t imagine … I couldn’t even when Rachel was so sick. I get it. I understand.” Trevor nodded and clapped Austin on the back as he headed into the kitchen.

Chelsea, Ava
, and Talia started heating up dinner as the guys ventured out onto the balcony. They each drank their beers in silence, which had to have been quite a feat for Nick. The mood was laid back, almost reflective.

Shortly before dinner was ready, Rachel walked through the door, cheeks flushed from the cold. The room seemed to stop as everyone looked at her. Austin wanted to go to her and pull her into his arms. He knew he owed her an apology for the way he had acted, but there were too many eyes right now.

Austin’s eyes locked with Rachel’s, and they seemed to have a silent understanding, and if her subtle smile was any indication, He was thinking she just might listen to what he had to say.

As soon as dinner was over, Austin approached Rachel. “Can we talk?”

“I’m kind of tired, Austin, but I was hoping you would be willing to spend the day with me tomorrow. There is something I would like to do, and I think you would really enjoy it, too.” Rachel watched him, waiting for his answer.

“I’d like that. Do you want to let me in on what we are doing?” Austin asked.

“No,” Rachel said simply with a smile.

Austin chuckled. “Okay, well then can you tell me what time and what to wear?”

“We need to be there at ten in the morning. You can wear whatever is comfortable, and bring a swimsuit.” Rachel giggled at Austin’s confusion.

“
You’re not helping me much.” Austin shook his head.

Rachel smiled. “I know. Goodnight.” Rachel turned to head upstairs, but before she took another step, Austin grabbed her arm. When Rachel turned to see what he needed, Austin stepped forward and lightly kissed Rachel’s lips. He felt a zing go straight through him.

“Goodnight.” He spoke low and could tell Rachel was caught completely off guard, reaching up and touching her lips. All she could manage was a nod before making her way up to the loft.

“Did you guys work things out?” Talia stepped up next to Austin.

“Not completely, but we are spending tomorrow together.”

“Good.” Talia winked.

Austin grabbed a beer and made his way out to the balcony. He needed to think, and Austin had a feeling the cool air would help him do just that. He hoped tomorrow would be a better day, because today pretty much sucked.