Louise Rennison_Georgia Nicolson 03 (4 page)

Anyway, you'd have to be on fire for Jas to notice anything. She was rambling on. “Do you think I should get my hair cut really short at the back and kind of longer at the front?”

I hadn't the remotest interest in Jas's head, but I know you have to let her rave on about herself a bit, otherwise you never get to talk about yourself. Then she said, “Ellen really likes Dave the Laugh.”

I thought, Oh does she really? How patheticosimus. Ellen my so-called mate likes my castoff Red Herring. She is like a lurking piranha fish in a skirt.

But live and let live I say. OGs display pride and general sophisticosity at all times. Jas was unaware of my sophisticosity and went looning on. “She stayed round at my place for the night and we talked until about four
A.M.
That's why I am so tired.”

“It's nice that you have got a new lezzie mate, Jas, but what has that got to do with me?”

“She didn't sleep in my bed.”

“So you say.”

“Well, she didn't.”

“It's nothing to be ashamed of, Jas. If you swing both ways that is your personal choice. I'm sure Tom will understand if you tell him you are a bisexual.”

“Oh shut up—you're being all moody and stressy because Robbie hasn't phoned you.”

She was right actually, which is annoying. I feel all pent up, like in
Cell Block H
. I said, “Let's put some really loud CDs on and go dance crazy.”

We did this fab dance routine. It was duo head shaking, kick turn, jump on bed, snog teddy, then back to the head shaking. I was feeling quite perked up. Then, of course, someone had to spoil it. I had forgotten about the Return of the Mad Bearded One. He came in the front door and it was stomp, stomp, “Bloody hell!”, then crash, stomp, stomp, yell. “Georgia!!! Are you deaf?!!! Turn that racket down, I could hear it at the end of the bloody street!!”

I shouted back, “Pardon? Can you speak up, Dad, there's really loud music playing!!!”

Which made Jas and me laugh a lot. But not El Beardo.

4:00 p.m.

Jas, my so-called best mate, had to go because she was doing her homework. How sad is that? Very, very sad. Also, she was doing it with her boyfriend Hunky. Hell will freeze over and become a skating rink for the mad before I will do my homework with Robbie. Sex Gods and their girlfriends do not “do homework.” Life is too short.

I tried to explain the tragedy of what she was doing, but Jas just said, “I want to do well in my German exam.” I laughed. But she was serious.

I said, “It is so naff to do well in German, Jas.”

Jas went all huffy. “You only say that because you can't do it.”

“Oh, that is so
nicht
true, Jas.
Ich bin ein guten
German speaker.”

But old swotty knickers went off anyway. Hmmm.

5:00 p.m.

Swiss Family Robinson have gone to the cinema together now. It's just fun fun fun, all the way for them.

All aloney. On my owney. It's bloody nippy noodles as well. What a life. I have been back a whole day and a night and he has not called me. Why oh why oh why?

I am so fed up.

5:10 p.m.

I might as well go to bed and grow my lurker.

5:20 p.m.

Phone rang. Probably Jas asking me something about her homework. I said,
“Jahwohl!”

5:22 p.m.

The Sex God wants me to go round to his house!!! His parents are out.

I am so HAPPY!!!

5:30 p.m.

I changed into my jeans and quickly got made up. I went for the natural look (lip gloss, eyeliner, mascara and blusher) with a touch of panstick on the lurker. You could only see the lurking lurker if you looked up my nostril, and what fool was going to do that?

But as I was going out of my bedroom door I remembered my nungas. Perhaps I should take some precautions to keep them under strict control. Maybe bits of Sellotape on the ends of them to keep them from doing anything alarming? I'd like to trust them, but they are very unreliable. Sometimes they act like they have lives of their own. One day I will look down and they will have gone out to some nunga-nunga party by themselves. Oh, oh, I have early signs of absent brain coming on!!!

outside robbie's house

6:00 p.m.

I walked through the gate, breathing the atmosphere of Sex Goddiness, and knocked on the door. My heart was beating really loudly. The door opened.

The Sex God.

Himself.

In person.

In his gorgeous black jeans and thingy top. And his dreamy army things and gorgey leggy whatsits and mouthy thing and so on. He is SO dreamy. Every time I see him it's a shock. He smiled at me. “Georgia…how are you?”

Excellent question. Excellent. Good. I knew the answer as well. That was the marvelous thing. I knew the answer was “Great, how are you?” Unfortunately, all the blood in my brain had gone for a bit of a holiday into my cheeks. I had a very, very red face and a completely empty brain. I couldn't speak; all I could do was be very, very red.

He just looked at me, and he smiled this really beautiful smile, all curly round the teeth. Like he really liked me. Yuuummy scrumbos.

Then he pulled me into the house and shut the door behind me. I just stood there trying not to be red. He put his arms round me and gave me a little soft kiss on the mouth, no tongues (number three on the snogging scale). But my mouth had gone into pucker mode so when he stopped my mouth was a bit behind and still a bit open. I hoped I didn't look like a startled goldfish.

He kissed me again, this time harder and longer. His mouth was all warm and wet (not wet like whelk boy though). He put one of his hands on the back of my head, which was just as well as I thought my head might fall off. And then he started kissing my neck. Little sucky kisses right up to my ear. Fanbloodytastic. After a bit of that,
and believe me I could have gone on doing that for years, he put his tongue ever so softly into my ear!! Really! Ear snogging!!! Fantastic.

I think I might have lost the use of my legs then because I fell over onto the sofa. However, I quickly leapt to my feet in a gazelle(ish) sort of way. I thought I would say something normal so that he would be fooled into thinking I was normal. I said, “Did you finish your demo-disc-type-thingymedendums?”

(Yes—very nearly English!! Good, good, keep it up!!)

He smiled at me and then went and put his demo disc on. It was very groovy, but I didn't know what to do with my face. Smile? Look dreamy? Hum? Nod along to the beat? In the end, I went for gazing out of the window and tapping my foot a bit. He came and stood behind me and put his hands on my waist.

So I turned around for more snogging.

bedroom

10:00 p.m.

I am in Love Heaven. What a mega fab day. He is the Sex God of the Universe and beyond.

I crept downstairs and phoned Jas. “Jas,” I whispered.

“Why are you whispering?”

“Because M and D are in the front room, and I don't want them to know I am calling you.”

“Oh.”

“I have had the most amazing time, I—”

“Well, I haven't, I just can't decide whether to have my hair cut for the gig…. Do you think yes orno? I mean, it's nice to have it long but then it's nice to have it short, but then…”

“Jas, Jas…it is my turn to talk.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do.”

“Oh.”

“Ask me what I have just done.”

“Why? Don't you know?” And she started laughing.

I forgot I was supposed to be whispering and yelled down the phone, “Jas!!!” Then I told her. “I went round to Robbie's house to see him.”

Jas said, “No!”

“Mais oui!”

“Sacré bleu.”

“Aujourd' hui.”

“Well, what happened?”

And I said, “Well, it was beyond marvy. We talked and snogged and then he made me a sandwich and we snogged and then he played me one of his tracks and then we snogged.”

“So it was like…”

“Yeah…a snogging fest.”

“Sacré bleu!”
Jas sounded like she was thinking which is a) unusual and b) scary.

I went on, “Yes, and guess what?”

“What?”

“He put his tongue in my ear.”

“Crikey. Did it…couldn't it…accidentally…like stick in your brain?”

Honestly, you would get more sense out of a potato. I ignored her obvious bonkerosity and went on, “But then this weird thing happened. He was playing me his demo CD and standing behind me with his hands on my waist.”

“Ooer.”

“
D'accord.
Anyway, I turned round and he sort of leapt out of the way like two short leaping things.”

“Was he dancing?”

“No…I think he was frightened of being knocked out by my nunga-nungas.”

Then we both laughed like loons on loon tablets (i.e., a LOT).

bedroom

10:21 p.m.

Vati made me get off the phone and gave his famous We-are-not-made-of-money speech, first given in 1846.

11:00 p.m.

Emergency snogging scale update:

• (1)
  holding hands
  
• (2)
  arm around
  
• (3)
  good-night kiss
  
• (4)
  kiss lasting over three minutes without a breath
  
• (5)
  open-mouth kissing
  
• (6)
  tongues
  
• (6½
  ) ear snogging
  
• (7)
  upper body fondling—outdoors
  
• (8)
  upper body fondling—indoors (in bed)
  
• (9)
  below waist activity (b.w.a.)
  
• (10)
  the full monty
  

friday october 29th

9:58 a.m.

Dreamt of Robbie feeding me chocolate sandwiches. Which was really cool. But then he started nibbling my ears in a sort of peckish way, and he nibbled them both off. Then for some reason we were in the south of France at some big gig and it was really sunny and I got my shades out to put on and they just fell off because I had no ears to balance them on.

I don't know what this means. Probably it means I am feverish with love.

Very nippy noodles again. Brrrr. Oh, it snowed during the night, that's why. When I got out of bed and stood in the cold air my nipples did that sticking-out thing again. On the whole I seem to have very little control over my body.

Still, so what!!!

6:00 p.m.

Spent the day in a love haze punctuated by rescuing bits of my underwear from Angus's basket. He is in an awful mood. He climbed up the curtains like a Tyrolean mountaineer in a furry suit. If he
was a human he would go down to the gym and work out his frustration by hitting something. Or jogging. I know how he feels.

9:00 p.m.

I tried to encourage Angus to go cat jogging. He didn't get it though. When I set off jogging he trotted along quite nicely on his lead. For about a minute. Then he got bored. He ran round and round me like a mad loon until his lead was wrapped round my ankles and all I could do was fall over into a thorn bush.

9:30 p.m.

Phone rang. OhmyGod. I almost ripped it off the wall.

It was Rosie checking arrangements for tomorrow. I could hardly hear her because there was such loud music in the background. She said, “Greetings, Earth creature…SVEN!!!!! You adorable Norwegian fool, turn the music down!!”

I heard laughing and stamping and then the music went quieter. Rosie said, “Jas said you did ear snogging yesterday.”

Oh, thank you, Radio Jas.

saturday october 30th

9:30 a.m.

Phoned Jas for gang discussion. Where we should all meet today and so on. When she answered I came over a bit French. (Because I am in
Le
Luurve Heaven.) “
Bonjour
, Jas, it is
moi, ta grande amie
.”

“Ah, bonjour.”

“Ah, d'accord
, I have just
mang
ed my breakfast; I
mang
ed the
delicieusement
toast and
le coffee de
Monsieur Nescafè.”

“Magnifique.”

“De rigeur.”

We are meeting at gang headquarters (Luigi's Cafe) at one o'clock and then going for a bit of heavy makeup trying-on in Boots, etc. I have only got a measly five pounds to spend. I hope Dad manages to persuade some poor fool to give him a job soon because I am running out of lip gloss.

11:00 a.m.

Bloody hell. You take your life in your hands going into the kitchen for a snack. Angus is in there and he is not pleased. I had to fend him off with a frying pan to get into the fridge.

Still, lalalalalala.

midday

Still in a European mood, I dressed French casual (same as sports casual—black Capri pants, black rollneck top, ankle boots—but with a lot more eyeliner). In fact, the combination of French osity and my snogging extravaganza made me come over all forgiving and relaxed. I even waved to Mr. Next Door as I went down the road. Typically, he just tutted. But hey ho, tut on. Nothing can spoil my mood. Mr. Next Door was wearing an extra ordinary pair of trousers; they seem to start under his armpits and be made out of elephant. He said, “I hope you are keeping that wild animal under lock and key. It's about time something was done with it.”

Nobody can take a joke around here. Alright, Mr. Across the Road does have a point in that Angus did abscond with Naomi, but what does Old Elephant Trousers have to complain about?

What they both fail to see are Angus's very good qualities. He has many attractive cat qualities. For instance, he has EXCELLENT balance. Only last month he herded Snowy and Whitey, Mr. Next Door's Prat Poodles, into the manure heap and then leapt down from the wall and had a ride
round on Snowy's back. Like Snowy was a little horsey.