Love... And Sleepless Nights MAY 2012 (27 page)

The wine. The wine is the answer and our salvation.

My brain is, as ever, one step ahead of me and is absolutely right.

I take another gulp of the lovely liquid.

…then another.

…then I refill my glass.

Right to the top.

…and take another gulp.

By the time our meals arrive I’ve already got quite a buzz on and feeling much more relaxed about the whole Poppy situation. Even if Mel has left her in the kitchen, she can tie a pork chop round her neck so the dog will play with her.

I giggle.

‘What’s funny?’ Jamie says from over his enormous steak.

‘Nothing husband of mine. Eat your big old bit of meat.’
Slosh
. Giggle.

Jamie returns to his mastication. I fork some lasagne into my mouth. It tastes quite nice, but nothing can compare right now to the orchestra of flavour the wine is playing on my taste buds.

Oh dear, I might be getting a bit tipsy here. I have to get a grip!

Drink more wine, that’s the ticket.

You’re utterly right brain! More wine it is!

Slosh
. Giggle.

By the time our meals are over I’m soaring on the wings of inebriation.

‘You’re pissed,’ Jamie says as I hurl wine over the table cloth. Thankfully I’m not drunk enough to want to suck the liquid out of the cotton just yet.

‘Don’ be so… so bloody silly, Jamie. I am a mother and have responsibililies.
Big, fat responsibililies.’
To show how big and fat they are I hold my arms out wide, nearly punching a passing waiter in the genitals.

‘Yeah… maybe I’ll put Poppy down later, eh?’

‘What’s that suppos’ to mean?’ I am indignant! How dare Jamie cast aspersions on my parenting abilities! ‘Are you sayin’ I’m norra a good mother, so called Jamie Newman?’

‘No… I’m just saying it might be wise if I took care of her in your present state.’

‘Presen’ state?! What d’you mean by presen’ state, cackface?’

‘Well, you’re drunk enough to call me cackface, how’s that?’

‘Bollocks. I’m a fantastic mother. Not like yours!’

Oh shit.

I hate you wine, you utter, utter bastard.

‘What the hell’s that supposed to mean?’ Jamie looks angry. I can’t really blame him.

His turn in mood sobers me up a bit. ‘Sorry baby. I shouldn’t have said that.’

‘No, you bloody shouldn’t.’ He leans his elbows on the table. ‘What’s going on Laura? You’ve been acting weird for a few weeks now. I keep trying to ignore it, but something’s up. You’re so busy with Poppy it’s been impossible to bring it up, but I’m sick of it and want some answers.’

I fiddle with the stem of the wine glass. ‘Nothing’s wrong, Jamie.’

‘That’s a load of crap. I know you too well.’ He takes a long swig of his one beer for the evening. ‘Are you having an affair, Laura? You might as well tell me.’

‘Of course I’m not! That’s just stupid.’

‘Is it? You get in moods with me for no reason, you don’t want…
you don’t want to have sex.
Every time I suggest seeing my family you act like I’m asking you to do something horrendous.’

‘I… I…’

‘What?!’

Oh God, I’m going to have to tell him.

I wanted to wait, but if I don’t say something now, this evening - and possibly my marriage - will be completely ruined.

‘Please don’t be mad at me.’

He takes a deep breath. ‘I won’t be honey, just tell me what the problem is.
Please
.’

‘Well, last month Poppy was teething really badly and I had no-one to ask for help, so I went round to your mother’s - ’

‘You went to
mum
? Christ, it must have been bad.’

‘It was.’ I glug my wine. This probably isn’t the wisest decision, but Dutch courage and all that.

‘She didn’t answer the door when I got there,’ I continue, ‘so I went round the back to find her, and… and…’

‘And what?’

Just take the plunge you silly bitch.

‘I saw her being rogered over the sofa by Nigel the gym instructor!’

Hmmm.
I could have perhaps used a better turn of phrase to break the news to my husband that his mother is an adulteress. We’ll blame it on the wine.

Jamie’s face goes slack.

Oh my, this is very bad.

This was the last thing I wanted to do tonight, but the evil Pinot has led me astray once again.

Then something quite unexpected happens.

Jamie, who I thought would be distraught, starts to laugh. It’s one of those laughs that begins as a quiet chuckle, before rapidly ascending into a full blown guffaw.

I knew I’d make him cry when I told him about this, but I didn’t think it would be with tears of laughter.

‘What’s so funny, Jamie?’ I ask. Maybe the terrible news has driven him instantly insane.

‘Ro… rogered over the sofa?’ he repeats and goes off into another gale of laughter.

‘Yes!’

‘By… by a gym instructor?’

‘Yes! Called Nigel.’ I try to think of something else to say. ‘He had a big willy. I saw it when he fell over.’

‘He fell… he fell…’ Jamie can’t get the words out. He’s now holding his sides.

I have to try and salvage this. I have to say something to mitigate the awfulness of my dirty secret.

Sadly, Pinot is still in control of my speech centre and comes out with this fucking zinger: ‘Your mother has a very peachy bottom for a woman of her age.’

For a second Jamie stops as still as a statue. His eyes become saucers as he stares at me, digesting this latest piece of information. Then he lets out the loudest laugh so far and starts banging the table. ‘Oh God, no more… please, no more. I don’t think I can take it.’

‘Why is this so funny Jamie? Your mother is
cheating
on your father!’

Jamie wipes his eyes and takes a deep breath, trying to regain some composure. He looks at me. ‘Yes Laura. I know. We
all
know. She’s been doing it for years. I nearly caught her at it once myself.’

I’m amazed.

No, I’m bloody
flabbergasted
.

‘Does your dad know?’

‘He’s the one who originally told me, Chris and Sarah about it ten years ago.’

‘And he doesn’t
mind
?’

‘Mum and dad’s marriage has been a bit of a sham for a long time. I’m pretty sure he’s knocking off one of the women who works at his golf course actually.’

‘But your mother doesn’t realise that you all know what she’s doing?’

‘Good God no.’ Jamie offers me one of his trademark lop-sided smiles. ‘Where would the fun be in that?’

And there is all the revenge I could ever want for the way haughty Jane Newman has treated me. The fact she runs around terrified of anyone knowing she’s banging different men left, right and centre - when it’s common knowledge among her entire family is just too rich for words.

Something else occurs. ‘I’ve been walking around for weeks worrying about this,’ I say in a very dark voice. He might find the whole thing hilarious, but the stress of thinking I knew something that could destroy Jamie’s family has been awful.

‘I know baby. Why didn’t you just tell me?’ There’s a look of such relief on my poor husband’s face that the anger I can feel bubbling upwards is immediately taken off the boil.

I take another swig of wine. ‘You know what Jamie?’

He takes my hands in his across the table. ‘What, my gorgeous wife?’

‘There have been times when I’ve been jealous of you because you have a family. Now though, I’ve decided I’m bloody glad I don’t.’

‘But baby,’ Jamie gives me a mock serious face. ‘They’re
your
family too now.’

I fling one arm in the air. ‘Waiter!’ I screech.

‘What are you doing?’

‘Ordering another fucking bottle of wine.’

The rest of the evening went well.

I moderated my alcohol consumption to a level that kept me at the mildly pissed stage I’m pleased to say. This was helped by the gigantic chocolate pudding we ate between us as the time rapidly sank towards eleven o’clock.

Poppy was absolutely fine in Mel’s company, of course. In fact, when we picked her up she was fast asleep with a content look on her face. I may have to leave her with my friend more often.

…say for a couple of months or so.

What a very strange, but equally cathartic night this has been, Mum.

When you marry a man, you don’t realise what baggage comes with him until something like this happens. You do marry into the whole family after all, whether you want to or not.

I suppose that’s why Jane’s behaviour towards me in the past has bothered me so much. She’s part of my family now and the idea that we didn’t like each other was upsetting.

On the flip side, I have to confess it does make me feel warm inside to think that I have a brother, sister and father in my life.

No-one could replace you of course, but having the void of other family members filled makes me very happy.

…even if Michael does keep staring at my tits.

Love you, miss you, and am very glad you never had a thing for gym instructors, Mum.

Your tired, but still ever so slightly drunk daughter, Laura.

xxx

Jamie’s Blog

Tuesday 4 November

The following is a direct transcript of a conversation recently held between Jamie Newman and his eleven month old daughter Poppy:

‘Morning Poppy!’

‘Ufurgul gurglke munna’

‘Did you sleep well?’

‘Murble turble munna dadda meeooowww purb.’