Love... And Sleepless Nights MAY 2012 (32 page)

When they give it to me, they tell me it’s all about me being born.
Literal
.

I read it coz it sounded kinda cool.

Wish I hadn’t now…

My units are soooo embarrassing. There’s all this stuff about mum getting preggers – which is far, far gross.

Would you believe dad lost me in some ancient real world shop when I was only a few months old?

Then there’s all the stuff about grandma. That freaked me out too. Can’t see how the little old lady we go see every week could have been like that. Mind you, she does look at the pool guy funny whenever he comes over.

You know how I keep saying I don’t feel like I’m normal? Like I’m kinda ‘outside’ everyone else?

Now I
know
it.

You only have to read this stuff for a few pages to be sure.

You get a mensh, chick. Your mum does too. Seems like she baby sat me when the units went out on a date. Never knew mum was such a booze hound back in the day!

Dad blogged about me having pneumonia. Didn’t know how bad it was. Guess I know why mum always bugs me large about dressing warm when it’s cold out.

It’s not all bad I guess. Some of it’s kinda sweet. Clear they love each other – and me.

Eeerggh…

You have NO idea how much my skin crawls thinking of the units as being
sweet
. I’m used to them either being bossy, boring or embarrassing.

Reading about when they were young and still had it?
Terrifying
chick. Dead terrifying.

Next time I crash I’ll bring it with. You can have a read yourself.

I could go on about it here, but better you see with your own spheres. You wouldn’t believe half of it if I just told you.

The blog and diary only go up to my first birthday though…

I was kinda bummed, coz I wanted to read about what happened after. From what they’ve told me in the past, that’s when things
really
started to get good!

Okes, gonna flip out now chick, gotta do an essay for tomorrow.

Loves ya, misses ya, and can’t wait to kick it with you on Sats.

Your mate,

Poopy.

The End

Titles by Nick Spalding available on Amazon Kindle:

Love… From Both Sides

Sometimes, the hardest part of finding love is keeping a straight face...

For Jamie Newman, being a single guy isn't proving to be much fun, especially when confronted with a sexually belligerent divorcee and a goddess so far out of his league she might as well be a different species.

Mind you, being a girl in search of love isn't a bowl of cherries either. Just ask Laura McIntyre, who's recently contended with a horny estate agent on a quest for light relief and a rabid mountain bike enthusiast with a penchant for displaying his genitals.

When Jamie and Laura bump into one another (quite literally) it looks like their luck may have changed - but sometimes finding the right person is only the start of your problems...

Based on real-life tales of dating disaster and relationship blunders, Love... From Both Sides is a warts-and-all romantic comedy for everyone who knows how tricky (and occasionally ridiculous) the quest for love can be.

Love… And Sleepless Nights

Sometimes, the hardest part of becoming a parent is keeping a straight face…

Just ask Jamie and Laura Newman, who (thanks to a rather relaxed attitude to contraception) find themselves about to have a baby. It’s obviously a terrifying prospect for a newly married couple, but as long as they stick together they’ll be fine, right?

They’d better, because the path between conception and those first few baby steps is littered with many obstacles - such as public sickness, rabid insomnia, violent mood swings, complicated sex, and copious amounts of swearing.

Featuring a cast that includes an overbearing mother-in-law, a terrifying midwife, and at least one chorus of mating humpbacks, Love… And Sleepless Nights is the hilarious sequel all about what happens next.

Falling in love with another person is easy. Making a new one with them is where things get complicated.

Life… With No Breaks

Nick Spalding tried to write a book in 24 hours. Turns out that's impossible... it took 30!

Life... With No Breaks is a unique, hilarious and heartfelt look at the modern world we live in, told by a master story-teller with much to say - and only a weekend to say it in.

You'll laugh out loud reading Nick's odyssey of non-stop writing in a collection of anecdotes, asides and stories - all dredged up from an over-stimulated brain functioning on caffeine, nicotine and the occasional chocolate biscuit.

The book is a conversation with
you
, and with Nick you'll venture into the thorny topics of love, life, sex, horribly timed bowel movements and a deathly fear of sponges (among many other things).

After you've read Life... With No Breaks, you may never look at the world the same way again!

Life… On A High

Nick Spalding is back... and this time he's airborne!

By popular demand (and because those counselling sessions won't pay for themselves) Nick returns in the sequel to Life... With No Breaks - with a new collection of anecdotes, stories and asides.

This time he's writing at 40,000 feet... and what better way is there to kill forty eight hours on a round trip to
Australia
than holding another conversation with
you
?

Sit back - don't worry, we're in Business Class so the seats are comfortable - put your feet up, and laugh out loud as Nick wends his merry way through a plethora of subjects, including age, hobbies, crime, dating the wrong women and pretending to be a banana (among many other things).

After you've read Life... On A High, you may never look at the rest of the world the same way again!

The Cornerstone