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LOVE AFTER DESPAIR
By Donald Webb

Donald Webb resides in Victoria, BC. He has been published in numerous gay magazines and anthologies.
Contact him at
[email protected]

The telephone roused me from a deep sleep. It was 10:25 a.m. I rolled over onto Steve’s side of the bed and picked up the phone.


Hi, baby,” Steve said, “I wake you?”


Yeah ... but it’s time I got up. I didn’t even hear you leave for work this morning.”


Well, I didn’t hear you come home last night, so we’re even.”


What’s up?” I asked.


Just called to tell you I loved you.”


I love you, too, Stevie. Don’t know what I’d do without you.” I yawned and sat up on the edge of the bed.


You been in the living-room yet?” he asked.


Uh-uh.”


Well go take a look.”

Carrying the cordless phone with me, I walked into the living
-room. The sweet scent of roses filled the air. Twelve red roses, arranged in a cut-glass vase, sat on the coffee table. A card rested against the vase. I opened the card and read the message:
Happy twenty-fifth anniversary, Baby ... I couldn’t live without you! Steve.

A warm fuzzy feeling permeated my senses and tears sprang to my eyes.
“They’re beautiful, honey,” I said clutching the card to my chest. “I couldn’t live without you, too.”

He giggled like teenage boy.
“I’ve made a reservation for dinner at eight ... so get your glad rags ready.”

I could hear a beeping noise in the background.
“Got to go, baby,” he said. “They’re paging me. See you later ... kiss, kiss.”

After he disconnected
, I sat down on the sofa and picked up the photograph of the two of us taken five years ago when we’d finally been able to tie the knot in Vancouver. It was hard to believe twenty-five years had passed since we’d first met, but it had. We often joked about being engaged for twenty years.

Memories of the day we
’d first met came flooding back. It had started out like any other day. I was cleaning the apartment I shared with my then lover, Ryan, when a pounding on the door interrupted my dusting. I opened the door. Chris, my friend since high school, stood on the threshold. Using a wad of tissues, he dabbed at his red swollen eyes.


What’s up?” I asked. “What’s happened?”

He walked past me and collapsed on the sofa.
“Jason’s dead!” he sobbed.


He can’t be,” I said. “Stop fooling around, Chris. It’s not funny”


I’m not, I’m not,” he wailed. “It’s true!”

I took a big breath and sat next to him.
“What happened? I didn’t know he was sick.”


It was awful,” Chris said, between sobs. “I found him on the floor when I got home from work this morning. You should’ve seen all the blood, Tyler, and, oh, God, he’d been mutilated. My beautiful Jason was cut to ribbons.” He paused, blew his nose, and then continued. “I called 911 right away and started CPR, but it was no use. He was pronounced when they got there.”

I put my arm around his shoulders. I couldn
’t believe what I was hearing. “Oh, God, that’s terrible, honey. I’m so sorry.”


I was working the graveyard shift last night. The police think that it must’ve happened around midnight. Jason worked until eleven. Ryan would know – they worked the same shift didn’t they?”

My lover, Ryan, worked with Jason. Ryan, Jason, and Chris were all registered nurses at Brook County Hospital. Chris worked in the surgical suite, while Jason and Ryan worked in the trauma unit.
“Yes, he did work evenings yesterday,” I said. “He’s not here now though – they phoned and asked him to come in this morning. Do the police know why? I mean was he robbed?”

Chris blew his nose.
“No they don’t think it was robbery. They think Jason knew his murderer.”


What! Someone he knew. Why do they think that?”


The police asked me not to tell anyone about this, Tyler. They don’t want the details to get out.”


I’m not going to tell anyone,” I said as I took his shaking body in my arms and gently wiped the tears from his face.

After he had calmed down he continued,
“There was no forced entry, and nothing seemed to be disturbed. His wallet was on the bedside table.”


This sounds really weird. Why would someone he knew do that to him?”


I haven’t told you the worst part yet,” Chris said.


What could be worse?”


They found three ampoules of Demerol on the coffee table.”


Demerol ... what’s that?”


It’s a narcotic that we give to patients in pain.”


But why would there be Demerol in your apartment?”


They’re going to check, but I could see that they think he was stealing it from work.”


That’s crazy,” I said. “Jason would never do anything like that. He’s always been against drugs. I mean he won’t even try poppers.”


I know, I know. There’s got to be a logical explanation”

The telephone interrupted us. I let it ring for a while, not wanting to speak with anyone, hoping it would stop. It didn
’t. I went into the kitchen to answer it.


What took you so long?” Ryan asked.


I was talking to Chris. He was ...”


What’s he doing there?” Ryan interrupted. “You know I don’t like you seeing him. What’s he saying about me?”


About you! Why would he be talking about you? Surely you must’ve heard about Jason?”


Yeah, I did. I know he doesn’t like me ... that’s why I don’t want him there.”


Oh, shit. What’s your problem? I don’t have time for this crap now, Ryan. He’s come to me because I’m his friend, and he doesn’t have anyone else to turn to. Why do you always have to be so selfish?”


Well. Yeah ... I guess. Anyway that creep got what he deserved. He was always acting so high and mighty, and now they know he’s been stealing drugs,” he said.


That’s terrible. How can you be so hard?” I thought for a few moments. “How do you know about the drugs?”


The police’ve been here, so it’s common knowledge.”


Well, I don’t believe it. Not for a moment. I mean he was a straight A guy.”


I’m the one who worked with him. Don’t you think I would know? How come you’re suddenly the expert?”


I have to go. Chris needs me.”


Just make sure he’s gone when I get home. I have enough crises to deal with at work, without having one when I get home.”

I hung up. I was furious with him for being so insensitive.
Why am I still with him?
Flashed through my mind.
It’s time I moved on with my life. When this crisis is over I’ll confront him.

When I went back into the living
-room Chris was pulling on his jacket. “What’re you doing?” I asked.


I have to go home and rest. I’m due in at work at eleven.”


Surely you don’t have to work tonight? I’m sure they’ll give you the night off if you explain.”


Explain what? That I’m a fag, and my lover has been murdered? Sure they’ll understand,” Chris said. “Never mind I’ll be okay. Anyway it’ll be good to concentrate on something else. Thanks for listening.”


Are you sure you’re okay? Will you be able to get into your apartment? You can stay if you want.”


Oh yes, sure. Ryan would just love that. Thanks for asking anyway. The cops told me that they’d be finished checking the apartment by noon, so I’ll go home.”

Later that day, when Ryan arrived home, I was still thinking about Jason. I just couldn
’t get it out of my mind. I was ready for a fight, still fuming because Ryan had been so callous. Before I could say anything, he defused the whole situation by immediately apologizing. “Sorry about the earlier call,” he said. Taking me in his arms, he continued, “I shouldn’t have been so insensitive. Chris must be knotted. If you want he can spend a few days with us.”

Ryan
’s mood swings always amazed me. He could change from one minute to the next. He had seemed so hard earlier, and now he was all soft and cuddly. “Thanks, that means a lot to me,” I said. “You know he’s like a brother to me. Anyway he’s going into work at eleven, and he doesn’t want to stay here.”


I’m sure that’s the best thing for him. By the way, I’ve made plans to meet Steve at the gym this evening,” Ryan added. “He’s been after me for a while. I’ll probably bring him home afterwards to meet you.”


Steve? Who’s he?”


He’s one of the trauma docs. I’m sure I’ve mentioned him before. He’s the only one on the team with any brains, the rest are all incompetent. I don’t know how I’ve put up with them for so long. Maybe I should be looking for a new job.”


What are you on about?” I asked. “You’ve only been there for six months. You can’t be thinking about leaving already. Why don’t you give it a fair trial?”


Oh hell! What would you know anyway? The least you could do is support me. It’s not my fault if they’re all assholes.”

Oh, shit
, I thought.
Here we go again
. Why do our discussions always end up like this? This was his third job in two years. We never seemed to have any friends. I was just beginning to get settled in the new apartment, and still looking for a job, and here he was talking about moving again. I knew that it wasn’t the right time – if any time was right, to continue the topic, so I let it drop.


Will you be expecting dinner when you get home?” I asked.


No. We’ll have a snack at the gym. You go ahead and eat. We’ll probably be here by eight.”

After Ryan left
, I settled down with a book. I was bored and would like to have gone out for a drink, but I knew that would make Ryan mad. I couldn’t even go out for a walk because I knew he would probably phone to make sure I was home.

At 8:15 p.m., I was relaxing in the recliner, in a pair of old gym shorts, watching television, when Ryan arrived home with Steve in tow. I couldn
’t remember Ryan talking about him before, but if he had, he hadn’t told me how gorgeous Steve was. He didn’t look the least bit like a doctor. He was dressed in tight black jeans and a form fitting white sleeveless T-shirt. His well-defined pecs and hard abdomen were clearly visible through the tight shirt. The earring in his left ear, intricate tattoo around his left bicep, and punk blond hair style, all added up to hunk.


Would you believe the goddamn showers were closed? They’re doing some work on the plumbing,” Ryan exploded. “What a bunch of morons. You’d think they’d get something right for a change.”


Hi, I’m Steve,” the hunk said, as he came over to me. “Ryan’s told me all about you, but he left out all the good parts. He didn’t tell me how cute you were.”

I could feel myself blushing as Steve took my hand.
“Hi, I’m Tyler,” I said. I felt an immediate sexual attraction to Steve, so I quickly changed the subject. “Would you guys like a drink?”


That sounds great,” Ryan said, “but I think I’d like a shower first. What about you, Steve?”


Yeah, that sounds good. I’m all sweaty, but you go first.”


Would you like a beer?” I asked Steve.


I’d kill for one.”

When I came back into the living
-room with the cold beer, Steve had already stripped to his bikini briefs. I could feel myself getting hard as I stared at his tanned body. It had been quite some time since Ryan and I had fucked, so I guess it was only natural that I would react that way. He held the cold beer against his forehead, and then flopped down onto the sofa next to me. I could smell his sweaty body as he lifted his arm and took a swig from the bottle. “Ah,” he sighed, “just what I needed. Ryan practically wore me out at the gym, but then I’m sure he often wears you out.”


Not really. I don’t go to the gym with him. I think he’s scared I’ll show him up.”

I could hear the shower running when Steve placed his hand on my naked thigh.
“You’ve got a beautiful body. I don’t believe that you don’t go to the gym.”


Well I do, but not at the same time as Ryan. I try to go first thing in the morning.”

BOOK: Lover Boys Forever
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