Ma Folie Française (My French Folly) (3 page)

I realised very quickly that I was the
bête étrange
on the block. A constant joy to passers-by, who inspected my every move with curious abandon. Ridiculously, my choice of new curtains was the talk of the town for several weeks alone. And when I chose Spanish terracotta pots to adorn my front steps … well! How audacious could this woman be? Strangely enough, my choice of décor was soon to be repeated throughout the cobbled streets and passageways. Apparently,
la bête étrange
wasn't that strange after all. She had excellent, if not unusual taste so, why wouldn't we copy her?

Complimentary as this may sound, I soon became ambivalent. I couldn't step outside my front door without my peroxide blonde, next-door neighbour peering through her ghastly, windmill incrusted, lace curtains, to spy on my attire. Eerily, within days of monitoring me from her third storey window, she would set out on her daily errands, small child in tow, dressed as my identical twin. People began to notice. I was aghast. I was being stalked by a fashion pervert. My hairdresser,
Nicole
, was quick to inform me, that she had even dared to ask for the exact haircut to mine. As extreme action was necessary, I decided to dress as hideously as possible and wear my hair in a non-descript, slightly dishevelled chignon, in attempt to disarm her.

It eventually worked, though I suffered weeks of pathetic glances from the village
Bourgeoisie
. I was now the talk of the town, for all the wrong reasons but it was the price I had to pay for my independence. Temporary embarrassment held no stead, in the name of fashion
liberté
.

Now that I was aware of what it took to survive with my sanity intact, I grew stronger and more resilient. This was the start of my newly chosen life. A life I had dreamt of for years and that very thought kept me sane and motivated. If this was how it was going to be, then so be it. I was ready, willing and able for any new challenge and was comforted by the assurance that my cherished
Jean
, would be forever by my side.

The human psyche functions rather peculiarly, at times. I became increasingly aware of this idiosyncratic phenomenon as my subconscious, bilingual mind took charge. Oddly, having learnt to use an object for the first time in France, I adopted a perpetual tendency to refer to that object in the French language. To this day, I regularly forget its name in English. That said; the common, all-purpose crow bar would forever remain in the corridors of my mind, in its French form as
la barre à mine
.

In casual conversation with our builder's son,
Jean-Christophe
, a particularly handsome and extremely appealing young man, we learnt that our beautiful, medieval village was riddled with mysterious, underground passageways dating back to the 13th century. This hidden labyrinth of medieval chambers and tunnels zigzagged across the length and breadth of the original village site; a honeycomb of intricately burrowed chambers once linking the homes of the noble and wealthy residents, to the impenetrable, fortified safety of the
Seigneur's Chateau
.

Jean-Christophe
warned us of the dangerous conditions in the tunnels and explained that it had been many years since anyone had ventured into their dark depths. For centuries, amorous, young
villageois
had used them as secret ‘Tunnels of Love', where they would partake in their
liaisons dangereuses
. In recent decades, anxious parents had become aware of their children's dangerous ‘hankypanky', and had forbidden all access to the crumbling hideouts.

We were told of their precarious state of collapse and wondered how the entire village hadn't been engulfed in a cloud of ancestral dust. Rest assured, we were also informed that they held no danger to the buildings above them, as long as they were not tampered with and remained completely undisturbed.

This didn't deter either
Jean
or I from rushing to the nearest hardware store and purchasing a very solid
barre à mine
, determined to find our very own ‘love tunnel' beneath the stone foundations of our fortified, granite home.

We questioned
Jean-Christophe
about the presence of an opening in our cellar and he confirmed with great aplomb, that there was indeed an ancient staircase leading from the now, defunct guard tower, which had risen high above our abode. This then led to a massive tunnel, the width of a horse and carriage, linked directly to the
Château fort
. We pursued him relentlessly regarding its exact location, attempting desperately to appear innocently curious. We prayed that
Jean-Christophe
would not suspect our true motives.

‘You must not touch zee tunnel
Marisa
. It iz
très dangereux
,' he exclaimed.

‘Of course
Jean-Christophe
, we wouldn't think of it,' I announced dramatically, winking at my husband in delight.

‘If you promise to be careful, I will show you where zee entrance iz,' he replied.

‘We promise. Cross our hearts,' I declared, smiling as sincerely as I could and crossing my chest with my index finger.

‘
Bien
, come wiz me. It iz over here.'

As soon as he indicated the starting point, it all became so clear. There were definite signs of carved stone stairs ‘in situ' that were aligned with the curvaceous walls of the garage. The same walls had stood aloft the house for centuries, until a destructive bolt of lightning had destroyed the magnificent
Tour de Guet
(Watchtower), and its contents, in the early 20th century.

‘If you were to excavate here, you would find zee staircase leading underground. However it iz now full of rubble and you would never succeed. I remember my father working here many years ago when zee guard tower was struck by lightning, and zey filled zee stairwell with all zee rubble from zee tower. It would be impossible to make your way through it after all zeese years.'

‘Of course it would. Don't worry
Jean-Christophe
, we were just curious that's all. It's so exciting for us to even imagine there was such a thing under our house, once upon a time. You understand, don't you?' I said smiling sweetly.

‘
Bien sûr
,
Madame
. Well I must be off …
C'est l'heure du déjeuner. A bientôt
. (It's lunchtime. See you soon.)'

‘
A
Bien
tôt
Jean-Christophe et Merci
,' we replied.

As soon as he turned to leave,
Jean
and I exchanged a conspiratorial grin and headed straight for the
barre à mine
.

‘I'll start tomorrow during my lunch break,' he declared. ‘No one will be around and they'll never know.'

‘Great. I can't wait,' I said clapping my hands mischievously.

The following day,
Jean
couldn't get back from work quickly enough. He shovelled down his midday meal, avoiding his post lunch espresso, in preference to descending into the bowels of our dungeon-like garage.
La Barre à mine
stood in wait for the assault, all shiny and new.
Jean
had quickly changed into old jeans and T-shirt in preparation for the dirty job ahead.

‘You'll give yourself indigestion,' I cried after him.

‘Worry about your own stomach,' he scoffed.

With a look of dogged determination plastered on his face, the pounding began. The upper levels of fine concrete quickly crumbled under the weight of the powerful
barre à mine
and within minutes, the first signs of carved stone came to light.

He scrambled on hands and knees to clear the rubble that surrounded the step. We knew at that moment, we had indeed uncovered the start of something interesting. The pounding resumed,
Jean
's enthusiasm peaking as he realised we were onto something big. The sweat now poured from his freckled brow and I stood eagerly watching his every move. Having found at least two steps, we realised we would have to stop. He still needed to shower and dress in time to return to work, although it was with much regret that he lay down
la barre à mine
for the day. I knew she was in for a royal workout tomorrow.

Several days passed and we remained totally enthralled with our secret, archaeological quest. No one had even noticed our comings and goings, for once. Usually, we couldn't step out the front door without someone stopping to say hello and enquire about our health or state of affairs.
Jean
had cleverly picked his time to coincide with the village ‘siesta'. That time of the day, in most European villages and towns, when every street and laneway resembles a lifeless, ghost town. When every brightly coloured shutter is firmly closed against the midday light and only the odd, lonely pigeon can be seen wandering the footpaths, pecking on the gourmet crumbs of shaken table clothes.

With walls over a metre fifty wide, we were positive no sound could be heard outside the confines of the stone garage. We guessed that if someone were going to hear, they would have by now.

It was the sixth day of our ‘dig' when I ventured to the corner grocer for some much-needed provisions. I had been too preoccupied with our archaeological excavations, to drive as far as the local
supermarché
(supermarket), all 1.5 kilometres away. I wasn't particularly fond of the grocery store owner. She was the official, village sticky beak and gossip, whose sickly sweet smile made me want to gag. She had always demonstrated a healthy amount of sanctimonious self-worth but since her beloved husband had recently been appointed as Mayor to our fine, little shire, her elitist attitude has soared to dizzying new heights. Her eyes glistened with newfound self-approval, which bellied her poor and unexceptional beginnings. She constantly charged too much for her shop-goods and gave very little service in return. However, as the newly elected Mayor's wife, she felt compelled to look her very best at all times and must have spent ages coiffing and preening each morning, as her grooming was always impeccable. She paraded about in elegant, matching twin-set, tailored skirts and lengths of cultured pearls but true to her country heritage, protected her fine garments with an imposing collection of hideous, floral aprons.

I remained patiently diplomatic whenever in her presence, and I am sure she never once suspected my annoyance or disdain.

‘
Bonjour Madame Raoul. Vous-allez bien
? (Good morning Mrs
Raoul
. Are you well?),' she asked sourly through her plastic smile.

‘
Très bien Merci, Madame. Et vous?
(Very well, thank you
Madame
. And you?)' I replied, in politically correct fashion.

‘
Pas Très bien!
No good at all! My poor husband and I haven't been able to rest for several days, due to that infernal noise. I have a constant headache and it is giving my poor husband severe indigestion, which is no good at all, considering his new and important position as Mayor. He needs his rest,
Mon pauvre petit choux
(my poor little cabbage).'

‘Of course … what noise is that?' I asked red-faced. ‘I hadn't noticed any particular noise myself, lately.'

‘
Impossible!
The entire village has heard it. Well … we are not quite sure, but it is an incessant BOOM … BOOM … that always seems to start just after lunch. An indefinable sound that appears to be coming from under the house.'

‘Is that right? How bizarre,' I declared, trying earnestly to hide my guilt.

‘
Oui
. It is
très étrange
. Very strange. You could almost imagine it to be coming from the underground passageways, but surely it couldn't be. No one has ventured down there for years.
C'est trop dangereux
. Too dangerous. Only a crazy person would venture into those old, crumbling tunnels.'

‘Yes of course, it would be extremely imprudent. Surely no one would be foolhardy enough to go down there,' I replied, my hands trembling as I grabbed random tinned items off the shelves.

‘I hope not. Anyway, I just wish they would stop. They are disturbing half the village during siesta,' she yelled; now hot with anger. ‘All my customers are complaining and when we find out who the culprit is, we will be very angry,' she said, scrunching her chubby fists into tight, white-knuckled balls, then adding with her maple syrup smile, ‘That will be 75 Francs,
s'il vous plait, Madame Raoul
.'

‘
Oh … Oui … bien sûr.
(of course.),' I replied, only vaguely aware of my actions as I handed over a one hundred Franc note.

‘Well … I hope you find the culprits …
bonne chance
. (Good luck.),' I replied, almost running from the store, my semi-laden shopping basket held firmly under my arm as I waved good-bye.

As I scurried back home, red-faced and panting, I hoped to God that no one, especially
Madame
the grocer, had noticed my guilt-ridden demeanour. I had to tell
Jean
quickly, before he started on another day's energetic, steel-to-stone pounding.

‘
Jean
, we have to stop!' I yelled at him, as he walked through the front door from work.

‘Stop? You mean stop the digging? What for,
Marisa
?' he asked; a trifle annoyed by my abrupt manner.

‘Because, as it happens … we are keeping half the village from their post-
repas du midi
(luncheon) siesta. We'll be guillotined if they find out it's us!' I cried. ‘You know how vindictive the French can be!'

‘Calm down,
Chérie
. What are you carrying on about?'

‘
Madame la Brune
told me this morning. I hope to God she hasn't guessed it's us. She's such a suspicious old cow and now that her husband's Mayor … well … anyway, she told me that an incessant BOOM … BOOM was keeping half the village from their siesta, and she believed it was someone playing around with the underground passages. She said that the noise echoes all over the village. She also said that they are all very tired and very, very irate!' I rambled nervously.

‘
Mon Dieu!
(My God!)' he exclaimed. I didn't think of that. Of course it would …
bien sûr
. It's cavernous down there. The sound must reverberate throughout the entire network of chambers.
Merde!
(SHIT!)'

‘You can say that again.
Merde
and double
Merde
!' I laughed, now realising the comical situation we had innocently created.

‘God, I hope no one has told
Jean-Christophe
; otherwise he's bound to put two and two together and tell the whole village. We'll be discovered in no time.'

‘Hopefully not … though you have to admit, it's quite funny. I mean, here we are thinking we are being pretty darn clever, digging our little secret hole, and in the meantime half the village has heard us.'

‘SHIT!'
Jean
replied loudly, a large grin on his face, followed by a loud chuckle.

We both laughed for several minutes. The entire situation was a farce. We could well envisage all these little old French men and women, tucked neatly in their beds or seated comfortably in their reclining, padded armchairs, settling in for their daily, afternoon nap, when suddenly they would be shaken to their brittle bones by the pounding echo of steel on stone. Over a period of five days, we had, with no malicious intent, broken the age-old tradition of the siesta, for many of the village's residents.
Quel désastre!
(What a disaster!) We could go down in history for this, if found culpable. We decided then and there, no matter how disappointed we were, that our quest would have to stop, here and now.

‘We'll have to backfill it immediately,'
Jean
said. ‘We can't leave any traces of us digging down there, just in case someone notices. And
la barre à mine
will have to go. It's too obvious.'