Authors: Jasmine Rose
Mars (6 page)
14
Oblivion
I walk through the UC Comprehensive Cancer Center halls, my heart struggling to keep its pace steady. I am so worried about him, how badly can he be suffering? I stayed up last night researching about cancer and the side effects of the first chemotherapy session. The first one is always the hardest.
I find a room where there are several beds with sleeping teenagers and I search the room for Logan. His mom appears and waves at me, crouching down beside a boy with the hospital robe, who is puking into a bucket.
Wondering why she is spending her time with that boy rather than her son, I approach her, swallowing my saliva. The smell of puke hits my nostrils and I instinctively gag before quickly recovering and breathing through my mouth.
She rubs his back and mutters soothing words. “Your friend’s here.” She hands him a water bottle and he rinses his mouth.
I have to restrain myself from turning around and looking if there’s another person around me.
Unless this is him.
“Logan?” I whisper, blinking. The boy looks up and turns around a little. Familiar gray eyes wide in surprise look straight at me. There are circles under his eyes and if that’s even possible, he’s become thinner than I last saw him a week ago. He turns to Jane with a questioning gaze.
“What is she doing here?” He says, his voice raspy in the beginning.
Jane looks surprised at his reaction, “Logan, I thought you needed a friend.”
“Why her? What the actual fuck, Mom? Why would you do this?” says Logan with a louder voice now. She doesn’t answer.
He turns to me with sad, angry eyes. “Please go.”
“But—”
“I said,
go away,
Amaryllis."
15
It’s all right to cry
“I didn’t want her to see me like this! I look like crap, I feel like crap! I don’t want her to see me like this!” Logan’s voice shouts, making goose bumps appear on my arms. His voice sounds tired and faded, even cracking in some places.
Hushed voices are getting louder in the room Logan's in. The voices quiet down to murmurs, then silence. All I can think of is how stupid I was to come here. Of course he wouldn't want to see me while he's in this state. How could I be so insensible? I mean, yeah, his mom asked me to come, but I could’ve just said no to respect his privacy.
The door opens a little to reveal Jane, looking exhausted. “I’m sorry about that, sweetie. I didn’t expect him to react like this.”
“It’s okay, I understand,” I nod. “Should I go?”
Jane shakes her head. “No, it’s fine. You can come in.”
I hesitate and my palms start to sweat. Taking small steps, I go in the room again and head toward his bed. All I see is the form of a body under the hospital covers.
“Logan? It’s me.”
The figure stiffens and the covers come off. Logan sits up and looks down into his lap, wiping his cheeks hastily. I sit on the chair beside him and keep my eyes on his hands. They are on his thighs. I want to reach out and hold his hands and tell him that everything is going to be okay.
“Logan? Are you okay?”
He looks up at me and for the first time, our eyes meet and I feel them reading through me. “Why’d you come?”
Because your mom asked me to and I care about you.
“Because I care about you.”
His eyes are blank and the mischief is gone. They look
so
sad. He looks so freaking sad.
“Are you okay?”
He shakes his head. “No. Chemo fucking sucks.”
“I know,” is all I can say.
“No, you don’t know. You don’t know what it’s like to be dying.”
I can’t answer.
His shoulders start to lightly shake and he puts his face in his hands. I reach out and take his hands away from his face. He looks at me with tears going down his eyes.
“I don’t want to die, Amaryllis,” he whispers, his voice cracking.
I quickly sit beside him and grab him in the biggest hug I’ve ever given. His body shakes into my arms, and I can feel my school shirt getting wet. He wraps his arms around my waist. As he sobs, I am softly clutching onto his hair and neck.
“I don’t want to die,” he repeats over and over. I can feel his breath on my neck.
Sadly, I pull back and look into his eyes. “I’m not going to let you die, Logan. Chemo will help you and you’re going to be okay, okay?”
“’Kay,” he mumbles, unconvinced, much like a kid.
“What would I do without you?” he says. His cheeks are tear-streaked and red. His eyes are bloodshot, but I don’t think he’s ever looked more beautiful.
“I don’t know.” I kiss his cheek. He smiles and slides into the covers even more, his eyes drooping. Chemo side effects and crying at the same time must’ve made him extra tired.
“I knew you liked me,” he says, grabbing my hand. This feels right, him doing this. Our hands fit together like missing puzzle pieces. He’s asleep by now. He looks like a sleeping angel, no matter how cheesy this is.
“I think I do like you,” I say. “More than I should.”
16
All about you
Logan tries to reassure me by smiling, but he continues to tap his pen on his desk. He is nervous, I can tell. Today’s the day he will announce to the class that he has cancer. His mom and I think it is a bad idea, since it will draw the eyes to him, but he insists to do so. He’d already talked to the principal and they agreed to make Jamie, a genius, tutor him at the hospital and I am to bring him his homework and assignments.
He put a beanie over his head this morning, confiding that he found a little bit of hair on his pillow and he wanted to avoid a dramatic cartoon scene where he became bald in front of the class.
“Excuse me, class?” says Mr. Gerald, the English teacher. “Logan here wants to talk to you guys.”
The girls look up with complete attention. Logan stands up and gets in front of twenty-five students, including me. He gives them all a big smile. I notice him throwing the cue cards we worked so hard on into the trashcan.
“Hi everyone! I have something to say.” He clears his throat. “I’m not going to be coming to school anymore.”
Murmurs arise in the class and he patiently waits for them to be over.
“I have cancer,” he announces calmly.
Some gasp, but others just gape at him. I can feel my own eyes filling with tears, even though I already know all of this.
“Thank you all for everything,” he says, grinning. “You all made my small stay here better. So, thank you.” Logan looks at me and smiles wider.
I stand up and clap. Jenna and Ryan follow. The rest stands up as well, cheering for him. Logan gives a little bow and the bell rings. He is swarmed by hugs and goodbyes. After a minute or two, Mr. Gerald shakes his hand and Logan and I get out of class.
He puts his arm around my shoulder and grins. “See? I don’t know why you were so worried. It’s all good.”
“I don’t like the beanie,” I blurt out. His eyes widen and he instinctively reaches to touch his beanie.
“Why? The beanie likes you!”
I shake my head. “It hides your hair.”
“You’re right. And we all know you love my hair,” he says. So, he takes off the beanie and places it on my hair. He keeps on tucking in wild strands of my hair into it and I just stare at him.
“You look beautiful,” he says.
“It’s because of the beanie, isn’t it?” I smile and touch my head. He nods.
“Without the beanie, you looked horrifying! If you were in the Monsters. Inc movie, the monsters would run away from you and hide behind the kids,” he backs away from me.
My pace quickens and so does his. Soon enough, he is running from me. I run after him, but he stops. He puts his hands on his knees and leans against a wall.
“Oh God, you okay?” I ask, bending down so I can see his face. He is panting and his eyes are closed. He nods and after a few seconds, he opens his eyes.
“I’m a grandpa now. I’m old! I get tired of everything,” he exclaims, wiping a fake tear off his eye. “Hey, little girl, can you be my crutch?”
“Of course, old man!” I get closer to him and he loops his arm into mine.
Suddenly, he kisses my cheek. I gasp and touch my cheek. I feel like there’s a fire on my face.
“Payback,” he winks. “You thought you could kiss me on the cheek and you wouldn’t get one back? Next time, of course, when you kiss me on the mouth, the favor will be repaid several times.”
I hit his chest lightly. “We are not going to kiss, shut up.”
“Really?” He stops.
He pushes me against the wall and brings his face so close to mine I can smell the mint on his breath. Our noses are touching and I have to remind myself to breathe.
“Are you still sure?”
I don’t know what to say.
Just kiss me, pleasepleaseplease.
He pulls his face away and starts to laugh. Hysterically.
“I knew you wanted to kiss me!” he says, glowing. “I knew it!”
I knew that even New York’s lights at night were no match for the light that Logan had in his expression.
17
Two is better than one
Ella clutches her stomach and struggles to breathe. “A—and then he fell! He tripped on his own shoes! In front of dad’s boss!”
“Ellaaaaa, please stop,” whines Logan for what seems like the thousandth time. “You’re embarrassing me.”
I wave him off, laughing myself. “It’s funny.”
Ella keeps on making jokes about Logan and telling me funny stories for what seems like a lifetime. Even if he is annoyed, he chimes in to correct some details and he laughs at himself sometimes.
Someone knocks on the door and Ella stands up to open it.
“Mom’s probably here to—oh. Hi, do I know you?” She says, but I can’t see who it is.
“I’m looking for my daughter, is she here? It’s Amy.”
I recognize my dad’s voice and jump out of the chair. I rush to the door and look at him with wide eyes. Indeed, he is standing there, looking worried. He hasn’t changed out of his work suit yet, which meant he came here right after work.
I am supposed to be at Jenna’s, studying for a science test. Not here, with my sick… friend and his sister.
Logan coughs. "Who's Amy? We only have an Amaryllis in the room," he says. I glare at him and turn back to my dad.
“Dad,” I say, not knowing how to greet the situation. Lying is out of the choices. I can’t bring myself to be dishonest with him this time.
“Amy?! Aren’t you supposed to be with Jenna? Who is this?” He is talking in a low voice, but he is angry. He steps into the room, analyzing it.
“Why are you here?” he asks. “Who is she?”
“I’m here for my friend, Logan. He has cancer, Dad.”
My father’s expression softens for a second. His uncle passed away from cancer, so it was a soft spot for him. “That's him?" He points to Logan.
“Present!” says Logan, smiling.
My dad walks over to him and looks at him with a hard look that I know he only puts up for appearances. When he met Ethan, two years ago, he had the same expression on, but he ended up loving him.
“Harold Wolfe, Amaryllis’ father,” he says, putting his hand out. Dad never uses my full name except when he’s introducing me to someone or when he’s trying to be formal and strict.
Logan puts his hand in Dad’s and shakes it. “Logan Thomas Masterson, Amaryllis’ boyfriend.”
Visibly, my dad’s grip on Logan’s hand hardens and he lets go. “Boyfriend?”
“NO!” I cry out. “He’s not my boyfriend.”
Logan feigns to wipe a tear on his cheek. I am going to deal with him later.
“He just, um, he’s being delusional sometimes,” I say, pulling my dad and signaling
cuckoo/crazy
with my hand.
“Ah.”
Ah?
What is that supposed to mean? Is that the last word I hear before I get murdered by my own dad?
“Yeah,” I sigh.
“We need to talk,” says Dad. “Let’s go.”
I nod, putting my face down. “I’ll be out in a second.”
He leaves.
Silently, I pick up the homework on Logan’s bed and stuff what’s mine in my bag. Logan holds my wrist.
“Did you just call me crazy?”
I roll my eyes and turn away from him. Taking a book out of my bag, I give it to him. He looks at the title and raises an eyebrow.
“Divergent?”
I nod. “It’s amazing. You’ll be done with it sooner than you think.”
“I trust your judgment,” he says, setting it on the night table.
Lately, Logan would complain about being bored of staying at the hospital and doing nothing all day. So, he asked me to bring him books to read.
I hug Ella and mumble an excuse. Opening the door to leave, a voice stops me.
“Amaryllis?”
He makes me look at him again.
“If I’m crazy for loving you, then so be it,” says Logan, giving me a very handsome half-smile.