Mars (7 page)

18

Stay with me

"He seldom smiles with his lips, but it is his eyes that shine instead,

and it is this radiance that makes every man and woman who sees it

feel the irresistible impulse to smile, too."

Francesca Milton

“So, what are your intentions with my daughter?” asks Dad, taking a bite of the ravioli he ordered an hour ago. Logan swallows whatever he has in his mouth.

“Completely pure, sir. Once I make her fall in love with me, which I think is happening, I intend to make her my girlfriend,” he answers.

Jenna’s eyes and mine go wide at that. I kick him under the table roughly, but Jenna squeals in pain and glares at me.

Dad looks calm. “And why, pray tell, do you want to make her your girlfriend?”

“I don’t want to die alone,” is Logan’s reply. “I want to be loved.”  He answered this more confidently than any of the other questions. He looks at me with a sparkle in his eyes that, if I weren’t in public, would make my knees go weak.

We are sitting in our little dining room, on the small table my dad and I use. There are four chairs, which is enough for Jenna, Dad, Logan and me.

The day Dad found out my secret, he had a long conversation with me about lying and being untrustworthy. He told me that it would take him a little while to trust me again. He was taking my laptop away, and the fate of my phone was yet to be decided.

He decided to invite Logan to dinner, which to him would determine my punishment.

Logan is wearing the same beanie again. After the first three chemo sessions, his hair is missing patches in several places. He makes jokes about being bald all the time now. He’s wearing a nice gray sweater that matches his eyes.

He told me he wanted to impress his girlfriend’s dad.

Although I would never actually admit it, all the girlfriend talk made me all gooey inside. His semi-confession the other day in the hospital didn’t exactly go unnoticed by me.

“So, do you like rugby?” asks Logan, knowing exactly what to say to bait my dad into loving him. These are my instructions to him, of course.

“Heck yeah!” exclaims my dad, grinning as if he was talking to one of his old buddies. Ethan never was interested in rugby; he was more of the occasional soccer/basketball kind. So, he never got along with Dad as well as Logan is right now.

Logan smiles. “So, are you watching the game between Wales and USA this Sunday?

“Obviously! Do you have a TV in your room?”

“Yes, sir.”

Dad nodded. “Then we’ll watch the finals this Sunday, together. I bet you five bucks USA will win.”

“Oh, come on! I’m betting for USA, too. You can’t get money out of a teenager! It’s illegal!” says Logan. After a moment of silence, he grins. “Never mind, I’m betting for Wales, too.”

Once Dad turns away, Logan turns to me and wiggles his eyebrows once. I was betting that he would get his semi-bald head chopped off after he came here, but he bet that my dad would love him. What was the bet based on? A hug. A proper hug.

Technically, Logan is breaking a shitload of rules to be here. He is exhausted, but he promised to be here.

Logan whispers: “You’ll help me make a Wales flag later.”

The dinner and dessert are soon eaten. After a few jokes, Logan has my dad wrapped around his finger. Jenna is obviously enjoying all of this because she is the apparent biggest shipper of 
Amagan
, which is mine and Logan’s “ship name” as she calls it.

Jenna leaves and Logan is at the door. He shakes Dad’s hand again and gives him a polite smile.

“I’ll see you on Sunday?” he says.

Dad nods. “Of course.”

There is a small awkward silence as I signaled my dad to leave, so I can say my proper goodbyes. Logan is just standing there, with the corners of his lips slightly up.

“Oh! Alright, Goodnight,” he walks away. I shut the door behind me.

I breathe a sigh of relief and laugh.

“You actually managed to charm my dad! You have superpowers!”

Logan flips imaginary hair. “I’m fabulous,” he says in a ridiculously high voice.

“Yes, you are!” I laugh again and look at him.

He stretches his arms out for me and smiles. “Time for my hug.”

“Fine,” I say. “Neck or waist?” Debating on the way I should hug him out loud.

“Abs, so I can feel like I make you safe and that you’re tiny.”

I let out a small chuckle and oblige. I wrap my arms around his waist? Or abs? I’m not even sure if he has one.

But he is right, indeed I feel safe.

Logan is like a field of roses, which only grow during spring. He is enough to make me smile and he is the only place I can identify as another home. He is warm, everything about him is.

He is that one song you listen to over and over and you never get bored of. He walks like sunshine. He is a drug and I fear I’ve become addicted.

Since he is tall and I am a few inches shorter than him, the way I hug him makes me listen to his heart beat.

“Logan?”

“Hm?” His face is buried in my hair.

“You should go. This hug lasted too long.”

“No.”

I try to pull away, but his arms are like rock around my shoulders.

“Logan?”

“Hm?”

“Please let go of me.”

He smells like mint and hospitals.

“I never want to let go,” he says quietly.

Neither do I.

“Please don’t let go. You make me happy,” he says. His heart pace quickens, I feel it.

“Logan—"

He pulls away just enough for me to be an inch or two away from his face. There are tear streaks on his cheek. They glisten, looking silver. His eyes are beautiful. They seem to have mixed with a pale blue in this light.

“Amaryllis?”

“Hm?”

“I lo—like you as much as a fat kid likes cake.”

“I like cake,” I say. “I have the spirit of a fat kid too. So, I like you as much as I like cake.”

He smiles and lets me go. “Your dad is probably preparing his gun. Go inside.”

“Okay.”

“Cool.”

“Oooookay.” I say again, waiting for him to leave.

“Right. Bye,” he says.

I lo—like you as much as a fat kid likes cake.

That sentence is repeated in my mind a thousand time.

19

You’re like perfection

“USA sucks! They suck so bad!” screams Logan, coughing after that. Everyone, Ryan, Jenna, Dad, Logan’s parents, Ella and I, turn to him in fear. He holds his hands up. “It’s all good.”

Jane rubs his back and pets his beanie. “Take it easy, baby.”

“Son, sorry to burst your bubble, but Wales is going to lose,” says Dad, standing up.

“I agree!” says Jenna and Ryan nods in agreement. Logan’s family continues arguing with the USA lovers, for what seems like the millionth time today.

We are all sitting in Logan’s private room, watching the match on the hospital TV.

“What about you, Amaryllis? Who are you rooting for?” says Logan, silencing everyone else.

I have to make a choice: Dad or Logan.

“…I’ve been silently rooting for USA?” I say, mentally apologizing to Logan. His face falls and he pouts.

Dad ruffles my head roughly. “That’s my girl!”

“Does anyone want to head down for food?” says Jenna, rubbing on her stomach. This girl is never hungry, but when she is, every plate in the world wouldn’t be able to satisfy her appetite.

Several hands go up and murmurs of agreement are heard. So, they all go out and make me promise to call one of them before the second half begins.   

Jenna pauses at the door and gives me a smile. “Have fun. Logan, do you want anything?”

“Nope, I got my dinner,” he says, pointing at the tube going through his nose.

Chemotherapy causes loss of appetite, so we’ve discovered that Logan is incapable of keeping any food down. The doctors inserted a nasogastric tube, which basically gives him all the nutrition he needs.

Before I realize it, Logan and I are alone. He is still pouting at me. When I say his name, he turns away.   

“Oh, come on! Seriously?” I whine.

He just nods. “You betrayed me.”

“It was you or my dad, the man who gave me half of my genes.”

“Too bad.”

I groan. “Stop being mad at me.”

“Make me,” he says, smiling at me. He scoots over closer; I go further away from him on the bed.         

Knowing him, he is probably going to make me do something silly like kiss his cheek or say he is awesome.

He points to his cheek.

“No.”

His face falls. “Why?”

“You’ll turn at the last second, I know it.”

“I thought you wanted to kiss me,” he says.

“I—” I gulp.

“Fine, I’ll forgive you if you let me kiss your cheek.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Is there anything else I can do to get your oh-so precious forgiveness?”

He shakes his head.

I sigh. “Fine.” He ushers for me to come closer; because his tube is attached to a machine, it stops him from coming to me.

I feel like time has gone slower and as Logan approaches my cheek, I do the most insane thing at the last millisecond.

I turn my head and close my eyes.

20

Somebody to love

My mom used to tell me that when I found true love, I should hold on to it and never let go. When I asked how I’ll know if I’m in love, she told me that I’ll feel like the clouds have taken me to embrace and the world will never let me fall.

That’s exactly how I feel right now.

I feel like the world is smiling at me and saying: 
here, you deserve love.

He pulls away first, and smiles so big I feel like his face might explode. I think he’s never looked more like a kid.

“Amaryllis!” He exclaims, putting emphasis on the syllables, making it sound like I’ve done something horrible.

“What?” I say, blushing.

“If you wanted to be the one to have the power on the first kiss, you should have just said so!”

I don’t know what to say.

He looks so happy.

At that moment, my dad bursts in the room, not even looking at us. He sits on the couch and turns up the volume of the match and glares at us. The players in the game seem totally concentrated and I cannot
think.

“I told you to call me, Amy! Shame on you.”

I smile. “Sorry, Dad.”

The others sit and soon the room is filled with held breaths and fallen hopes. Jenna is the only one who notices something.

She nudges me and wiggles her eyebrows. “Did, uh, anything happen while we were gone?” she whispers, but obviously loud enough for Logan to hear.

“She kissed me,” he says, almost accusingly.

Jenna beams. “About time.” She sits back in her seat.

Logan takes my hand and holds it tight. I feel like the world can hear my heart beating.

A few minutes later, the match ends. “IT’S OVER!” screams Dad, standing up. Jenna and Ryan stand up too, doing their own versions of happy dancing. Logan’s family just boo them during the whole thing and looks bummed. Logan is just observing everyone, not having a reaction.

“Whaaaat? You paralyzed with sadness?” Dad tells him. 

“Oh, please. I have good sportsmanship,” says Logan. “Congrats.” He holds out his hand to shake. My dad shakes his hand so hard I feel like Logan’s whole body goes through an earthquake.

“Dad? Careful,” I warn him. Dad takes his hand away and mumbles an apology, putting his hand on Logan’s shoulder.

My dad is doing a horrible dance we used to do. He looks at me and tears me away from Logan.

“Dance!” he says, twisting his hips. I do the same, laughing so hard my stomach hurt.

“Shake; shake your body ‘cause USA won!”

Jenna and Ryan join in, and so does Logan’s whole family. We’re all dancing like mentally disabled freaks, but it’s the most fun I’ve ever had in forever. Logan is too tired to actually stand up and dance, but he just shakes his body on the bed.

“Aren’t you bummed they lost? You lost $5, man,” says Ryan to Logan.

Logan looks at me and says, “Nah, I won the best prize today anyway.”