More Than A Four Letter Word (5 page)

"You need to forgive Roberta because despite
everything that happens between the two of you, you still love her.
Roberta wants to be you so badly that she can't see how she's
ruining her life. Roberta wants to take everything you have. I
understand her hate; I use to feel the same way towards your Aunt
Helen."

"Why? She’s your twin sister."

Henrietta looks down at her hands before
continuing with her story. Her husband puts an arm around her and
nods for her to continue. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to
tell you children. Clarissa it breaks my heart to tell you that
Daddy isn’t your natural father.”

“
What are you saying?”
Clarissa and her brother Raymond look at each other as if they
cannot comprehend what their mother is saying. Their parents and
Aunt Helen remain sitting, waiting patiently for them to absorb the
news.

Henrietta tries to offer comfort by squeezing
Clarissa's hand. "You see, your natural father, James Wilson was in
love with Helen, and he was one more thing that Helen had that I
didn't. The night he was due to leave for boot camp, I took Helen's
place and met him. I had sex with him, but before he left, I made
sure that he knew that I wasn't Helen. James looked at me as though
I was dirt under his feet."

When I got home from my rendezvous with
James, I couldn’t wait to tell Helen. In my eyes, Helen had
everything, but this time I took something from her. When I told
her what I had done her eyes filled with a kind of pain I never
wanted to see again.

Helen moved out of our parents’ home without
any explanation. I knew the reason why; however, I didn’t tell my
parents. I didn’t tell anyone about the changes my body was going
through. I was seeing another guy by then; I liked him a lot, so I
had to tell him that I was pregnant by another man. He loved me
enough to marry me anyway...”

Clarissa couldn’t take her mother’s self-pity
speech. “I’m James Wilson’s daughter, aren’t I? Is that why you
hate me so much Mother? Every time you look at me, you see your
actions of deceit.” Clarissa looks around the room for an avenue of
escape.

Henrietta is at a loss for words. “I don’t
hate you Clarissa, but you’re right you do have your natural
father’s eyes. Every time I look into your face, I see James
Wilson. That night his eyes were full of loathing. Pretty much like
yours right now.”

“
So why tell me now Mother?
Why did you wait all this time to drop your bomb? “It isn’t even
about me is it Mother. You didn’t tell me that I have a different
father because you feel I should know. The possibility that I could
be a donor for Roberta is that much slimmer isn’t it Mother.
Roberta's illness is the catalyst for telling me the
truth.”

“
Your blood test would
surely reveal that you and Roberta are not full blood sisters. So
your father and I think that you should hear about the circumstance
of your birth from us and not the doctor.”

Helen Dyers watches Clarissa's body language
as she speaks to her mother. Helen understands that Clarissa’s pain
stems from the memories of a child. “Rissa give her a chance to
explain. Don’t shut the door on your mother.”

Clarissa begins to cry. “How could you
forgive her Aunt Helen? How can you stand to be in the same room
with her?”

Helen knows that she needs to be alone with
Clarissa. She put her arms around Clarissa as she signals for
everyone else to leave the room. Junior didn’t want to leave, but
Raymond grabs him by the arm and pulls him out of the room. “Rissa,
let’s sit down, you and I need to talk.”

Clarissa sits on the sofa with her Aunt
Helen. She wipes the tears from her face with her hands. “Roberta
and mother are just a like Aunt Helen. I cannot believe that mother
hurt you as much as Roberta hurt me. How can you be so
forgiving?”

“
Henrietta was a silly
eighteen year old girl who was doted on by everyone. The only one
who genuinely cared about me was James Wilson. When Henrietta told
me what she had done, I ran to the base to see James. It was too
late, by the time I got to the base they had already shipped out. I
was so upset that I fell on the ground and started crying. Someone
helped me up; I looked into the eyes of Raymond Marks. I met
Raymond and his brother Clarence earlier that year when I was on a
date with James. Raymond had just seen his brother off, but he had
a chance to talk to James, and James gave him a letter to give to
me. Raymond had his father’s truck, so he gave me a ride home.
Henrietta was sitting on the porch when we arrived. Raymond took
one look at her and was lost.”

“
You and Mother are
identical twins. What does he see in her that he didn’t see in
you?”

“
Your mother had a way of
making the most of her assets and I ignored mine. I left Raymond
and Henrietta alone together, and I went to my room and locked the
door. James told me everything that happened between him and
Henrietta. He said that if I forgave him that he would still like
to marry me.”

“
What happened to James
Wilson? Was he killed overseas?”

Tears came to Helen’s eyes as remembered the
events that led up to James’s death. “His helicopter crashed two
months after he arrived somewhere in North Africa. Raymond notified
me as soon as soon as his parents got the news from the army, his
brother Clarence was on the same helicopter.” Helen took Clarissa’s
hands into hers; she noticed that Clarissa still wore the ring she
had given her on her eighteenth birthday.

“
Aunt Helen, you
okay?”

Helen rubs her thumb across the mother of
pearl ring on Clarissa’s finger. “James gave me this ring when he
asked me to marry him. He told me that it took all of his savings,
but he didn’t care, as long as I agreed to marry him. I was
eighteen when I received the ring, so I thought it was befitting
that James’s daughter received the ring when she turned
eighteen.”

“
How can you stand to be
around me Aunt Helen? I must remind you of all the things you can
never have. Most of all, how can you be so forgiving towards
Mother?”

Helen smiles at Clarissa and kisses her
cheek. “When I found out that your mother had married Raymond and
that she was pregnant, I came back to town. Henrietta was well into
six months of pregnancy. There was no way that Raymond was the
father. James was the father of the child that Henrietta was
carrying. You ask me how I forgave my sister. She had you, and you
are the child that I never had. Every time I see you, I see my
James, and it was the one thing that made me care about
living.”

“
You’re a strong woman Aunt
Helen. I don’t know if I can be that strong or that
forgiving.”

“
You must forgive your
mother and Roberta. Because of their betrayal, they have punished
themselves far more than we ever could. When we let hate manifest,
we become the exact thing that we dislike in others."

"I'm not that strong Aunt Helen."

"I knew that when you were born you would be
a constant reminder to Henrietta of what she did to James and me.
So I had to be there for you to make sure that you weren’t bogged
down with your mother’s guilt.”

“
For all your efforts Mother
still can’t bear to look at me. How could Daddy marry her knowing
what a horrible person she is especially being pregnant with
another man's child?”

“
People make mistakes, no
one is perfect. Raymond loves your mother. Love is more than just a
four letter word, when you love someone; you take on everything
that is a part of that person."

"I thought Lawrence would be that man."

"Is there a chance that you can forgive him
and marry him anyway? He seems so remorseful over the phone. He
wants to come by and talk to you and your parents about
reconciliation"

"He's only sorry that he got caught. Lawrence
isn't the man I thought, and I can't believe he has the audacity to
come by my parents' house."

"Helen thought Lawrence is a disaster, but
she believes in keeping her opinions on affairs of the heart to
herself. Well I can help you cancel the wedding arrangements. I can
notify all guests if you handle the food and floral arrangements.
What are you going to do with your wedding dress? Are you going to
keep it and hopefully wear it when you're truly ready for
marriage?"

"Are you kidding me Aunt Helen? That wedding
dress shares the taint of betrayal; the Good Will can find a use
for the dress."

"I'm sure that you're right. One person's
trash is another's treasure."

"Where do we go from here Aunt Helen? Can our
family recover from this situation?”

“
It will take some time, but
this family is too close to let the ghosts from the past take
control. I didn’t let it destroy me, and you can’t let it destroy
you.”

“
I love you Aunt Helen, I’ve
always been closer to you than Mother. I thought Mother and Daddy
were going to tell me that you were my real mother."

"Where did you get that idea?"

"Oh, it's a childhood fantasy of mine. You
should have been my mother; you love me more than Mother ever
could. I’ll never forget everything you’ve done for me.” Clarissa
hugs her aunt and moves from the sofa. “I have too much on my mind
to stay for lunch.”

“
If you ever want me to tell
you about James let me know. His parents are still alive, and they
would love to see you.”

"Do they know about me?"

"They know about you and I've sent them
photos of you over the years. They respect your parents' wishes to
keep the secret of your birth."

This is more than Clarissa can deal with
right now. She feels truly alone. “Why didn’t you and Daddy tell me
sooner? I should have known all along about my parentage, family
secrets have a way of blowing up in people's faces.”

“
Rissa, if this situation
with Roberta didn't take place, there would be no need to tell you
about your natural father. I don’t want you to hate your mother or
disassociate yourself from Raymond. He has been the only father
you’ve ever known, and he truly loves you. Please don’t hurt him
because you’re angry and full of vengeance.”

“
I could never turn my back
on Daddy, but right now I want to be alone. The results of my blood
work should be available this week. There might be a slight chance
that I could be a donor.” Clarissa put on her jacket and heads for
the front door. She turns around when she hears her brother call
out to her.

“
Where are you going
Clarissa? I thought you were going to stay for lunch.”

“
I just need to be alone
right now.”

“
You need to be with your
family!”

Clarissa’s eyes clouds with tears. “My family
is causing all the problems.”

Junior hugs Clarissa before she leaves.
”Rissa, please don’t shut me out.”

“
Junior I would never shut
you out, but right now I need some space.”

Junior watches her until she shuts the door
behind her. He heads for the door when he hears Aunt Helen calling
him back. “Let her go Junior, she’s has a lot of things on her
shoulders.”

“
All of us have a lot on our
shoulders. First, we find out Roberta has Leukemia and Clarissa
doesn’t have the same father. She’s always been there for me, and I
want to do the same for her. It doesn’t matter to me that we don’t
have the same father.”

“
What’s your point baby?
Clarissa is still the same whether you have the same father or not.
Rissa has to deal with her feelings before she can move on. We have
to give her the space she needs.”

“
You and I see that Aunt
Helen, but how does Rissa view the situation. I’m afraid that if we
give Rissa too much time to think about things, she’ll decide that
she doesn’t need us at all.”

***

Clarissa spent most of Sunday morning in her
guest bedroom. She replays the scene at her parents’ house
constantly in her mind. Still emotionally numb from the betrayal of
her sister and Lawrence. She wonders more than once how would she
feel if Roberta was pregnant by Lawrence. Clarissa realizes that
she doesn't love Lawrence, not enough to marry him after his
indiscretions. Maybe Roberta did her a whopping favor. In her mind,
it's her sister's betrayal causing her so much pain.

It's noon, way past time for her to get out
of bed. She doesn't miss church often, but she always has a good
reason when she does. The only positive thing to come out of this
weekend is Julian Ross's job offer. "Uhmm, Julian." Clarissa
thought about the sexually intense, imposing, handsome, arrogant
man. She concludes that he is responsible for sending the damaging
photos of Lawrence to her office.

To her chagrin, Julian can mesmerize her and
not even be in the room. She thought about calling Julian several
times this weekend and accepting his offer of a job in Chicago. If
she accepts the job, she would have to make something clear to
Julian. No matter how attractive the package she would not engage
in an affair with her boss.

Who knows, this position may be the exact
thing she needs at an impossible time in her life. She has a few
weeks to ensure that the transition went smoothly for her
employees. With her skills in computer programming, architectural
design, and hacking, she has viable skills in any industry.

The doorbell starts ringing, pulling Clarissa
out of her reverie. The last thing she wants is company. Both her
cell phone and landline keep ringing incessantly until she turns
them both off. She doesn't want to talk to Raymond, and she's never
going to return Lawrence's phone calls. She sits there quietly
hoping that her unwelcome visitor would go away. Whoever it is
refuses to go away, he or she just keeps ringing the doorbell.
Clarissa decides that the person on the other side of that door is
going to be sorry.