My Brother's Famous Bottom Goes Camping (9 page)

Dad looked at Mum. Mum looked at Dad. Granny looked at Lancelot and Lancelot looked at me.

‘Oh dear,’ we chorused.

Gloom, gloom, gloom. For several minutes we stood there, hardly exchanging a word, while the hens quietly clucked and glanced at us from time to time, like naughty children. The small crowd of campers that had gathered to watch Mr Tugg’s performance drifted away. It was Mum who spoke first.

‘I thought we came on holiday to escape the farm but somehow they all seem to have ended up here too – Rubbish, the hens, the tortoise. I’m surprised Mr Tugg didn’t bring all our lettuces and carrots too.’

‘That man’s a fool to himself,’ growled Dad.

‘All he had to do was keep his doors and windows shut.’

Cheese and Tomato arrived back from the hunt for Cecily Sprout. They had Lewis in tow. Tomato had been crying and was still sniffing a bit.

‘You didn’t find her?’ asked Mum. Tomato shook her head.

‘It’s a stupid doll,’ Lewis stated. ‘It’s a carrot.’

‘A parrot?’ asked Granny. ‘No, dear, these are hens. Parrots are quite different. They have bigger beaks and longer tails and they can talk, some of them. When I was a little girl my uncle had a parrot that used to say “Doughnuts made of dynamite are a deadly danger to Dodos”.’

Lewis looked around for help. He obviously thought Granny must come from outer space.

I took Tomato’s hand. ‘Let’s go and play a game,’ I suggested.

‘What –
sniff
– game?’ she asked.

‘We can play Catch the Duck!’ shouted Lewis, diving towards the hens. Lancelot just managed to grab Lewis before he could open a cage.

‘No you don’t, laddie,’ said Lancelot firmly.

‘Those animals are hens and they’re pets.’

‘Put me down or I’ll tell my mum!’ shouted Lewis, waggling his legs and trying to wriggle free. Lancelot put him back on the ground and scratched his head.

‘I used to be a Hell’s Angel,’ he murmured, giving me a pathetic look. ‘I’m supposed to be scary.’

I laughed. Lancelot is about as scary as a teddy bear.

‘I’m sure someone can think of a good game to keep you all busy,’ he suggested hopefully.

‘You could play safari park,’ I said, and Cheese and Tomato and even Lewis began to shout like crazy.

‘Yeah! Safari park! We can play safari park! Hooray!’ They began jumping about and laughing until they suddenly stopped and Tomato looked at me solemnly.

‘How do we play safari park?’ she wanted to know.

Lancelot and Granny looked at me too. ‘Yes, Nicholas. Do tell us. How do you play safari park?’

I shrugged. I didn’t know. It was just a kind of idea that popped into my head when I saw the hens and Schumacher. Then I had a thought – maybe that was it! ‘We’ve got a goat and a tortoise and some chickens. You can pretend
they’re animals in your safari park and you have to look after them. You must make sure they have enough to eat and they don’t run away.’

‘Yes!’ shouted Lewis. ‘And we all have to wear caps!’

‘Caps?’ repeated Mum in bewilderment.

‘I think he means like a zookeeper or something,’ I suggested.

‘I’m in charge of the goat,’ Lewis declared. He seemed to think that because he was the biggest child he should have the biggest animal. I thought that was unfair, but Dad smiled broadly and said that of course Lewis could look
after the goat. Dad winked at me. He knew perfectly well that Rubbish wouldn’t let
anyone
look after her. She had a mind of her own and did what she wanted.

Granny said that the three safari park officers could have their safari park outside their yurt. ‘There’s more room over there,’ she pointed out. ‘Come on. You come too, Nicholas. You can help keep an eye on things and then your mum and dad can have a bit of peace and quiet for a change.’

I love Granny and Lancelot’s yurt. It’s amazing. It’s SO different from the other tents and caravans. Loads of people stop to stare at it.

Some of them even ask if they can have a tour inside.

We carried all the animals across to the yurt.

We didn’t carry Rubbish, of course; she trotted after me. She often follows me around because I’m the one that usually milks her. Lancelot let the chickens out so they could peck over the ground and showed Lewis how to hold Mavis Moppet without squeezing her like bagpipes.

‘This is a good safari park,’ said Tomato, who seemed to have forgotten all about the disappearance of Cecily Sprout.

‘We should have lions and tigers and a big snake,’ complained Lewis.

‘What would you put in the lake, dear?’ asked Granny.

‘What lake?’ Lewis gazed around.

‘The lake you just mentioned,’ Granny smiled.

Lewis’s mouth dropped open but he couldn’t think what to say.

‘He said
snake
, babe, not lake,’ laughed Lancelot, shaking his head.

‘Oh! I do beg your pardon!’

Lewis looked at her blankly. It was impossible to tell what he was thinking, or even if he was thinking at all. He was, because he suddenly announced that there should be some proper big animals in the safari park.

‘You’ve got a goat,’ Lancelot pointed out.

‘We can have my dog, Henry,’ Lewis said.

‘He’s big.’ Before we could say anything Lewis had dumped Mavis Moppet and run off to his parents’ caravan. Cheese watched him go.

‘Lewis has got a big dog,’ he told us proudly.

‘It’s this big!’ Cheese stretched as high as he could, exaggerating as usual.

‘That’s huge!’ I laughed. ‘That would be a giant dog.’

Cheese nodded. ‘Yes. Henry’s a giant, giant, GIANT dog.’

At that moment I spotted Lewis walking slowly back towards us. He had his father with him,
and Henry. My eyes almost fell out of my head.

Henry really was a big dog, and I mean he was BIG, the most gigantic dog I have ever seen, practically as tall as ME!

‘Henry is an Irish Wolfhound,’ Lewis’s father smirked. ‘Wolfhounds are the tallest dogs in the world. There’s no need to be scared. Henry is as gentle as a lamb and very well behaved.’